Famous Last Words

Matt didn’t come back that night.

After waking up from another explicit nightmare, in which Anthony had his way with me again, I found out that no one knew where he was – not even Val. He wasn’t picking up his phone; he hadn’t been home, or anywhere any of the guys could think of. Zack even drove out to where Jimmy is buried to see if he was perhaps visiting his grave.

But nope; no luck.

And for some reason, I was really, really worried.

Something about the way he had reacted when he found out about me being… raped almost made me feel guilty for how heartless I had been towards him. It was like he cared about me. For a moment, at least, it seemed that way.

But worrying about Matt wasn’t the only thing that kept me up for the rest of the night. My nerves were running high at the thought of seeing Jim and Rhonda tomorrow – I knew that Michelle couldn’t not tell them about what had happened. They were still legally my parents; they had more rights to me than Matt or Michelle ever had, or ever will have. At the same time, I wasn’t sure that I necessarily wanted them to know just yet.

For the rest of the night, I pretended to be asleep while Michelle continued to lie next to me. The only time she ever left my side was to talk briefly to Zack.

“I’m worried about meeting Jim and Rhonda tomorrow,” Michelle had whispered, voicing my exact concern to the jaded-eyed guitarist. She kept her voice lowered, as if not to wake me. After all, they were just standing in the doorway. “How am I supposed to explain to them that their daughter…?” Her voice breaks.

“I don’t know,” Zack admits quietly. I can tell that he’s desperate to say something else, but he can’t think of the right words to say. And in his defense, I wouldn’t have been able to, either. “I don’t think you should say anything without Matt being here…”

“But if I don’t tell them soon, they may not ever let me see them again and I can’t…” She lets out a small sob. “I can’t lose them, Zack. Not when I’ve just gotten them back…”

“I understand, Michelle. I honestly can’t imagine what you must be going through, but I understand what you’re trying to say.” He sighs; I imagine him running a hand through his jet-black hair. “I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m so sorry…”

“It’s not your fault…” She lets out a long sigh. “I guess I’ll just have to tell them myself…” There’s a brief pause in their conversation. “What did the others say when Gus told them?” she asks.

I hold my breath. I hadn’t known that Gus had told them, though I guess that explains why Zack hadn’t seemed completely oblivious while he had been having this conversation. I’m not mad either, I find. In fact, I’m glad Gus told everyone else for me, so I didn’t have to relive that experience all over again.

“They were… Well, they were shocked to say the least,” Zack breathes. “Johnny certainly didn’t take it well. I know the two of them were never close, but…” I sigh slightly. I wish I was closer to Johnny than I am. I guess that’s what I get for isolating myself so much. “Meaghan and Lacey… They cried for a while. And Val hasn’t really said much since.”

“And Brian?”

“He fell asleep on one of the deck chairs, after he went to ‘get some air’.”

I try to imagine the mighty “Synyster Gates” falling apart after hearing his wife’s daughter has just been raped. Having to step outside because he doesn’t want his friends to see how broken this news has truly made him – falling asleep because he can’t handle going back inside.

Oh god… What have I done?

I begin to sob uncontrollably. Almost immediately, Michelle and Zack swarm over to my bed. Michelle cradles me in her arms while Zack turns on the light so they can see properly.

“It-It’s all m-my fault…” I cry, clutching her shirt tightly in my hands.

“No, it isn’t sweetie,” she tells me gently, brushing my hair out of my face. “None of this is your fault. Never think for a moment that any of this is your fault.”

I try to take her words to heart – I try to tell myself that it isn’t my fault; that it’s all Anthony’s fault. It’s his fault for raping me – us. It’s his fault he turned out this way. It’s his fault he’s a drug dealer. It’s his fault his life is a piece of shit.

It’s not my fault. It’s not Leda’s fault. It’s not even his parents fault, as far as I know. It’s his fault.

He did this to himself. He let himself get this way. I can’t blame myself – I can’t. Not when it’s not my fault.

It isn’t my fault.

I begin to calm down. I feel Zack rest a hand on the top of my head.

“It’s gonna be okay, kid,” he mutters. I open my eyes just a crack to look up at him. His face seems to swim through the tears in my eyes. But his face… It’s kind and calming… There’s fear in his eyes; he doesn’t understand what I’m going through.

But he certainly doesn’t lack empathy. I’ll have to give him that.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” I admit. My voice is hoarse. It doesn’t feel right, but it isn’t like there’s anything I can do. “I just wish it could end…”

“Please don’t talk like that, honey; please…” Michelle begs me quietly. Zack places a hand on her shoulder.

“Let me talk to her for a minute,” he tells her gently. She looks unsure of it, but the movements I make in her arms makes her let me go. She nods at Zack, and he takes her place beside me.

“I’ll be downstairs. Come get me when you’re done,” she tells him. He nods at her gratefully before making himself comfortable.

He lets out a long sigh. He doesn’t look at me; he just looks straight ahead. I’m afraid he’s completely lost his mind; the blank look in his eyes says it all.

But eventually, he finds his voice.

“I’m going to be completely honest with you kid,” he starts, looking over at me. “I don’t know exactly what must be going through your mind right now. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have something like this happen to you. And at such a young age, too.” He shakes his head. “God, it just doesn’t seem fair. You’re such a sweet girl… You had your whole life ahead of you. And now…”

“Wow, thanks; you’re making me feel so much better,” I say sarcastically. He chuckles slightly at this.

“I wasn’t done yet.” He gives me a playful look. “I was going to say that you can’t let something like this completely ruin you. Yes, you have every right to be upset – to be scarred for life, even. But you also have every right to make yourself better. To get better. I don’t like hearing things like you saying that you ‘don’t know what to do anymore’, because it sounds like you’re giving up. You can’t give up yet, Autumn; you’re still so young. And I’ve seen some of the things you’ve done – Gus was showing us some of it. You’re a really amazing artist. And this experience… You could use art as a way to channel your emotions of all that you’ve been through. You could make something out of this. But you can’t give up – I won’t allow it. And neither will Michelle, or Jim and Rhonda, or Gus, or me or Brian, or even Matt – believe it or not.”

“I don’t believe it,” I mutter, and he rolls his eyes.

“I expected that much.” He adjusts himself so he’s facing me a little more. “I hope you realize that Matt loves you very much, Autumn,” he says quietly. “And everyone, including Matt, knows how shitty he’s been since you’ve gotten here – they’ve all realized that he’s had a tendency to favor Gus over you. He knows he’s never going to make that up to you. But if I had to bet right now on where he is, I’d say he’s out looking for the guy who did this to you.”

“But that’s… stupid!” I exclaim, sitting up slightly. “Why would he do that? It’s not like he knows who Anthony is. Plus, what is he going to be able to do that doesn’t land him in prison?” Zack shakes his head.

“I honestly don’t know what could’ve been going through his head when he ran out like that. All I know is that Matt is one of those people who would give up anything for the people he loves – but he wouldn’t give up without a fight. Especially one that involves fists.” I shiver at the thought of Anthony’s blood on Matt’s knuckles.

What scares me the most is that I can’t tell if it’s out of fear or excitement – excitement at the thought of Anthony getting what he deserves most.

“Zacky?” I whisper. He looks at me expectantly “I really want him. Here – I want to talk to him.” I begin to cry. “If he really wanted to do what was best for me, he would’ve stayed here with me.” He runs a hand through my hair.

“I know, kid.” He wraps his arms around me and allows me to cry for a moment. “Do you… Do you know where Anthony lives, by chance?” It takes me a minute to process what he’s asking.

“W-Why?”

“Because that’s probably where Matt went.”

“Do you think he’s still there?” I ask hopefully, looking up at him. He just shrugs.

“I don’t know. But it’s a start.”

“Are you going to try and find him?” He looks at me for a second.

“Of course, kiddo,” he promises me, kissing the top of my head. “I won’t come back until I have, okay?” I can tell he’s being sincere. Still, I can’t help but feel a little surprised at how determined he sounds.

I wrap my arms around his stomach and bury my face in his shirt. “Thank you,” I say. “So much.” He laughs and begins smoothing down my hair with his hand.

“Don’t mention it.”

Notes