Life According To Amber Lynn Haner

*Amber's POV*

I might be smiling, but really, I'm dying. I'm fighting a war with my mind, and my mind is winning. I won't tell anybody about it. You see, everybody has their own problems to worry about, and they don't need mine on top of theirs, that's not fair. So I bite my tongue, and I get through it alone. That's how it was for two years back home, and that's how it'll be here.

Everybody here means well, and they know I struggle with a lot of issues like my depression, and they urge me to let them know if there's something wrong. I can't do that to them, I can't have them living with the burden of have a suicial daughter or niece, and not knowing when I'll just break. Thats not fair.

I haven't left the house since I came back from Michelle's place, but I've barely noticed. I've spent a majority of the time in my room, thinking about a lot of things; suicide, death, and if I'll ever get better. I know I won't get better, I don't fear death and suicide is always on my mind. Even if I'm off having a good time with everybody, suicide creeps up like a spider, and stays on my mind.

They're all worried. Of course that's not what I want, but I can tell that they are. I can here them all talking downstairs in the living room, saying that I'm worrying them, and that I shouldn't have to go through this. Zacky and Val came upstairs to try and coax me to the living room, but I just faked being asleep. They believed me, however, and went back downstairs.

Danny came over once or twice to see me, and we sat upstairs for a while, barely speaking. I've also become a bit of a mute, and I wouldn't even look him in the eye. He's also become worried about me, but I can sense that he's wary of pushing me to answer, incase it was about my mom. He knows all of what happened, even about aunt Larissa. What he doesn't know is about my internal battles, and my self-harm and depression. If I tell him about those, I'm afraid that he'll leave me.

-----

I heard a quiet knock on my door, and Dad came and sat beside me. I didn't say anything, but just quietly begged myself not to cry. I turned down the volume on my speaker (I was already playing One Man Drinking Games pretty quietly on repeat, but I turned it down until it was completely off), and wrapped myself further into my blanket. I failed at not crying, and slowly, tears began to just fall. I'm screwed.

"Talk to me. Why are you like this? You've us all scared to death.." Dad said softly, and I shook my head. I'm spiralling out of control.

"Im sorry, I just can't help it..being suicidal isn't something you can stop.." I whispered, barely audible. I stared at the ground, focusing I the bit of eyeliner I spilled by my mirror.

"I know it's not something you can help, sweetie, but you need to talk to me about it..I could try and do something for you if you told me. I haven't yet found the ability to read minds." I laughed slightly at his last remark, but that laugh quickly faded.

"I'm distancing myself from you all.."

"Why?"

"Incase I crack, and incase i..I commit suicide.." I began to cry again, and I found myself enveloped in a hug. I can't continue to hurt them all in the way that I have already, but they just don't seem to see that, Dad especially. He doesn't see me as suicidal or broken, he just sees me as somebody who needs to be loved again, and that needs to learn that not everybody's bad.

"You won't crack, and you won't commit suicide. Because I won't let you. You're going through a bad patch, and that's ok. But you're going to get through it, even if it doesn't feel like it. You just need to learn to let me know if you're going through a bad patch, and I can help you out. I can't help you if you don't say anything."

"But I don't want to say anything. You all have your own problems, and you don't need mine too."

"Sure, we all have our own problems, but yours matter too. And it's not a case of having your problems on top of my own, it's a case of me just helping you out. Don't think about it so negatively."

"They don't matter, I don't matter."

"You do matter, you matter to me and to everybody here. Please don't think otherwise." I fell silent again, and watched as the tears rolled down my cheeks and onto my blanket. Mankind dark spots on the otherwise baby blue fleece material. "I tell you what, why don't you go out somewhere with Danny tomorrow? He came over earlier, but Michelle just told him that you weren't feeling so good. I know he's been dying for you to feel better, and maybe if you guys go on out somewhere, it might cheer you up at least a small bit."

"Wow, I never thought I'd see the day when you'd be suggesting that I go out somewhere with a guy."

"Danny's an exception, he's a good kid. There isn't a bad thing about him."

"I guess.."

"I think if you did something it'd do you the world of good. Believe me."

"Maybe.."

"Do you want to come back downstairs with me? I dot want you up here alone."

"I suppose.." We went downstairs (while I was still wrapped in my blanket) and joined everybody in the living room. I went mute once again, and sat quietly in the corner staring at the floor. I wouldn't shift my gaze from the floor, and I just wanted to be anywhere but here. I'd end up hurting everybody in one way or another, mostly by just being the way that I am.

Notes

I've just lost my best friend, because I told her it was better and safer for her if we weren't friends anymore...

I'd tell you guys the full story but like, you'd wouldn't care, and it'd take forever u.u

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