Life According To Amber Lynn Haner

*Amber's POV*

Its now Wednesday, and I've been in the hospital since the early hours of Sunday morning. It's also safe to say, I'm starting to lose my mind.

I keep tapping. Tapping everything I can, be it pens, my nails off of the side of the hospital bed, my foot on the ground, I'm tapping everything. And it's driving everybody up the wall.

I also keep hearing this high-pitched screechy noise in my ear, and it sounds like someone screaming. Dad reckons its just tiniteas, but it sounds like somebody's screaming in my head, like I'm hearing voices in my head. I'm losing the plot, I swear.

Being in the hospital so much has sent me stir-crazy, and I can tell that Dad's worried. I've heard him say on the phone or to whoever visits that I've gone awfully quiet, and in fairness to him, I guess I have. It's like I'm turning into a mute, which says something, as I don't ever shut up talking.

Then there's the situation that I'm always wearing sweaters or hoodies. Since I've been in here, I haven't once worn just a tshirt. I can't. Nobody knows it, but a day or two before I collapsed, I began cutting again. I haven't been getting a hard time at school, but it's rather just the voices in my head telling me to do this and that. I'm a slave to the voices in my head.

-----

"You're gone quiet again, is everything alright?" Dad asked, obviously extremely worried. I mean, why shouldn't he be? He's got a head-case for a daughter.

"Yeah, s'pose.." I muttered, barely audible. Blinking back tears, I focused my gaze on the paint-splatter effect floor, and I wouldn't look Dad in the eye.

"There's something bothering you, I can tell. What's the matter?"

"Nothin', I'm fine.."

"You don't seem fine. What's going on? If you're afraid that I'll get mad over whatever it is, you're wrong. I just need to know what's going on with you. You've been quiet for the past couple of days, and it's a bit worrying."

"You're going to freak out on me.."

"I won't, I swear." I gave up and rolled up the sleeves on my hoodie, and took off the thread bracelets that hid what I'd done to myself.

Once I took the bracelets off and showed him my wrists, the look on Dad's face was a mix of shock and sadness, and I knew I'd messed up. All up my two wrists lay cuts of all depths and sizes, each one hurting equally. I'd been doing so well, and had been clean since just after I'd gotten here. Something in me snapped, and I paid the price for it.

"Baby..why?" Was all Dad could manage to say, as I could tell that he was trying really hard not to cry.

"Because, there's all these voices in my head..and they won't leave me alone no matter what I do and.." I broke down. And I broke down badly.

I hadn't cried this much in ages, but it was as if once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I sobbed and sobbed, all the while wrapped in my dad's arms, while he rubbed my back in support and told me that it's all be fine, and that I'd be fine. It's a pity that I didn't think so.

-----

After about a half hour, I'd calmed down somewhat, and I was now only sniffling and gulping. I couldn't think properly, and my mind had just gone to mush. My breathing had steadied a bit better and I could still talk, obviously, though I didn't say much. I didn't want to talk.

"Now I want you to listen to me, alright? We all get down sometimes, but that's ok. It's not our fault, as we're only human. Ok, so you had a relapse, but aren't you still here? That means you're strong, and it's good that you're strong. It's ok to fall down sometimes. You've just gotta get back up there." Dad said quietly, and I know he was right. He always is.

"I guess so.." I muttered, closing my eyes. I was drained, and all I wanted was sleep.

"I know you're going to be a bit touchy and sensitive for a few days, and that's perfectly fine. Just don't hesitate to let me know if you need anything, ok? No matter what it is, just let me know. Promise?"

"I promise.." I began to yawn, and I knew then and there that a nap was on the cards for me. Dad released me from the hug he had me buried in (we were so close togetger that i could smell exactly what Lynx it was on his hoodie top, and it was my favourite Lynx), and chucked a blanket over mex making sure i was warm (ive been awful cold these past few days).
As soon as my face hit my pillow, it was as if somebody flicked a switch, because I was out like a light.

Notes

Well, today was awful, and I feel awful too.

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