Friday again. Rye couldn’t bear her excitement. She spent her entire vacation waiting for that particular day to come every week, because of just one special thing: Matt would be there with them, listening to her band, giving advices, being the coolest person in the world. On really hot nights, after the rehearsal, he would just take all of them for ice cream and they would hang around until one of the girls get reminded it was too late and they all had to go home. People were always throwing disapproval looks at their singular group on the streets but Rye couldn’t care less. Yeah, he was tattooed, yeah, he was American, and yeah, they were all girls following an older guy, and so what? For Rye, it felt like she had grown up with him, even though he wasn’t too open about his life or his feelings so far.

She could notice he was trying hard to have fun with them and she bet he really was but she could see something was still wrong through his eyes. And at one of those fridays, he simply didn’t show up.

She was worried. She thought about going there before the rehearsal but what if he just didn’t want to come today? What if he’s just sick of them?

Yeah, it’s probably it…

Rye couldn’t pay enough attention to any songs, something was missing there. He was missing. And just when they finished it, Leyla sat beside her on the garden bench, noticing how quiet and disappointed her friend looked as gazing at Matt’s window across the street.

“He didn’t come, huh?”

“Nope…”

“Have you seen him lately?”

“Nope.”

“Wow, Matt doesn’t show up and you get monosyllabic…”

Rye shrugged.

“Oh, Le, I dunno… When he’s not here is just… weird. It’s not the same anymore.”

“I hate to be the one to tell you this Rye, but… he’s gonna have to go back to California again someday, to face his family, friends, fans and everything he’s been running from. You better get used to this empty feeling.”

Rye caught her friend’s eyes for the first time and stared at them for a few seconds. She was right. Maybe he’s even packing his bags to go back tonight, without even saying goodbye.

“I don’t think I can…” Rye dropped her eyes from his window to the ground and shook her head in frustration. “I’m so naive for letting myself get carried away like this… I thought he would just be here forever. He fits so good here with us. I’m so stupid.”

“No, you’re not stupid. We’re all used to his presence somehow. I never thought an American could be that cool before I met him. But I know it’s different for you.”
Rye sighed. Her friend knew her too much for the small amount of time they knew each other.

“You know, huh?”

“It’s stamped on your face.”

“I know I don’t have a slight chance of being noticed by a man like him, I’m not that out of reality, but… somewhere deep inside, I had this spark of hope, you know.”

Rye faced Leyla again and she could see how much her eyes and smile glowed and then faded away quickly from her face.

“You know what? You should go there. Check if he’s okay, if he’s going away or not, ask why he didn’t show up. Show him you care. I know you are dying to have a true conversation with him without all of us around.” Leyla mixed a grin with a smirk and she chuckled softly, looking at her clock.

“It’s almost ten already. My parents will soon be in that front door with the face you know well and make me go back inside.”

“Tell them you are sleeping on my dormitory tonight. We have ‘studies’ to do.”

“LEYLA! What are you thinking? That I’m gonna spend the night in his room or what?”

Leyla raised her palms up and laughed. “It’s just an idea.”

“I don’t know…”

“Go. You have nothing to lose.”

Leyla stood up and showed her hand to Rye. She smiled widely, sighed doubtfully and finally took her friend’s hand.

“I can’t believe I’m really doing this…”

---

The receptionist already knew Rye so she allowed her to go directly to his door. Her concern with him was bigger than her anxiety of going alone to his hotel room at late night without telling her parents. She just put that aside on her mind and kept moving through the corridor that led to his room.

Before she could knock, she saw light coming from under his door, he was still there and awake.

“Matt? It’s me… Rye. Are you in there?” she called out quietly and she could hear his footsteps around the room. But the door remained closed and not an answer was heard. “I just… wanna to… check on you. See if you need anything.” she waited a few seconds and no reply, only the shadow of his steps coming and going. “Well… I guess you don’t wanna be bothered. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come… Bye.”

She was done trying and turned her back to the door when she heard it opening.

“Hey… wait.” Only his face appeared through the half-opened door and as she gazed back at him, their eyes locked and she was able to read his soul just by one look. He was far from okay. “Just… can you stay for a little while…?”

He practically begged through the glare of his eyes. How could she say no?

She came back and he stepped away for her to come inside. The first thing she noticed was how messy his room was. A few books spread around, clothes and a half empty bottle of vodka close to his bed. He had found alcohol after all, huh?

“We… we missed you there today. Why didn’t you come?”

He sat on the bed and she found a chair a little too distant from him.

“Well I… have this terrible migraine again that really makes me feel like breaking something so… I wouldn’t be the best company for your band today, you know?” he looked down to his hands and she felt the urge to go hug him but she held herself, she knew it wasn’t right.

“Did you go to a doctor to check it up?”

“No I… I didn’t have time for that after… everything. I didn’t even think about it. Now I can’t think about anything at all. The pain is eating my brain cells.”

“So I can take you to a hospital tomorrow, or maybe right now if you want. It can be something serious.” Rye was worried.

“No, Rye, it’s not physical. I can tell. It’s all in my mind.” He stood up abruptly and started pacing around the room, hands covering his eyes a few times. He looked desperate. “You know, I tried to… get my mind out of things by getting involved with your band and stuff but… it only worked for some time. I still wake up every morning sweating and trembling, afraid I would… I would lose him. But I already lost him, Rye… We already lost him.” He shrugged in front of her and went back to walk around. “I’m mad at God, I’m mad at Jimmy, I’m mad at myself, I’m mad at everyone. And I feel this madness can only go away if I… start breaking things or punching walls until my hands give out or… I’ve been trying to control myself but I just don’t know what else to do. I’m losing it.”

Rye kept following his moves with her eyes and she was getting more worried at each word he was saying. He shouldn’t be alone now, going through all of this. He should be with his friends, with his family. He only had Rye there. And if it depended on her, she wasn’t about to leave him behind like this. She was just trying to find the right thing to say.

“God… I was just hearing what I said inside my head and… You must think I’m just a psycho you’ll never want to get near again. I’m… I’m scaring you.” he was getting nervous.

“No, Matt, you’re not scaring me at all. I know you wouldn’t hurt me. All you’ve been trying to do is hurt yourself, like you deserve to be here suffering alone, away from your family, from the people who love you. And this is not right, this is only bringing you more pain.” She didn’t know if that was the right thing, she just said what was in her heart.

“I don’t wanna talk to them, I don’t wanna be around anyone there. I guess I blame everyone, you know? We should’ve done something, we… should’ve been there that night. I should’ve been there.”

“So you think you could’ve prevented this?”

“Yeah, damn, I think I could’ve! He called me earlier that day and invited me to that party. And I… I refused to go, I was busy working on our album on a freaking Friday night. I… was supposed to be there, Rye. But I blew him off. And… it makes me so angry at myself, so enraged of my skin.” he said those last words with clenched teeth and closed fists.

He stopped in front of the nightstand and grabbed the table lamp in a sudden move. Rye ran closer to him instantly as she noticed how tight he was gripping that thing. He was about to explode it on the closest wall when Rye’s touch prevented him from going further. She didn’t use any strength, in fact, she had any compared to his. But just the soft touch of her skin on his was enough to stop him. He had no idea why.

He glanced down at her and she witnessed his eyes watering. He closed them immediately but a single tear escaped from each of them. She moved her hand from his arm up to the lamp and took it away from his grip to put it back on its place.

“You can cry, Matt. It’s okay.” he turned his back to her for a while, hiding his tears that were now forming a river down his face. He never cried in front of someone before, he wasn’t about to do that now.

He was strong enough to win this alone, right?

“I don’t wanna cry.” His voice cracked in the most hurtful way. It even hurt on Rye’s ears.
When she was about to boldly direct her hands to his shoulders to show him compassion, he turned to her as quickly as he wrapped her into his arms and collapsed on desperate tears.

Her eyes widened. He kept holding her so tight and she could feel his warm tears soaking the fabric of her shirt on her shoulder. In face of his suffering, Rye made herself calm down, remembered no one was around to see that and understood what she had to do next. Her mission was to comfort him until he could fall asleep.

She managed to make him sit back on the bed but he wouldn’t let go of her so soon. And she wasn’t complaining, she felt comfortable around him, as comfortable as she never felt with someone before. And he needed her as he never needed someone before.

“I’m so sorry…” he mumbled in between sobs, his head now embraced on her chest.

“Its okay, Matt. It’s okay to cry, to talk about Jimmy, to suffer. Allah understands you, Jimmy too. You’re just a man, you don’t have to be alone now, you don’t need to be strong. I’m here for you.”

Somehow she knew exactly what he wanted and needed to hear but it only made his heart burst even more in weeping.

“Just let it all out of your chest…”

Now that she had any words left to console him, she could only mentally pray for his soul to be guided back to light.

---

When Matt had finally calmed down, Rye told him she would go to her house pick up some things and would come back. He didn’t know why she said that, he knew she couldn’t spend the night at his room without her parents’ knowledge. And she knew that well either. But when she got there, she just used the excuse Leyla helped her invent and luckily they believed and allowed her to go to her ‘friend’s’ dormitory. Well, they didn’t have to know what friend.

She grabbed her Haner, aspirins, and hesitated when she saw a few of her songs written on papers spread on her table. Maybe writing a few lyrics with her could distract him, so she nodded to herself and finally grabbed the papers. Then she remembered her gramma used to always tell her about an herb that could help decrease headaches and general pain. Luckily she had that on her mom’s garden and prepared a tea before going back.

“Moooom, dad, I’m going, I’ll be back in the morning. Bye.” Rye waited for their nod and closed the front door behind her in a hurry.

She knew her parents trusted her, that wouldn’t be a problem. But before she could cross the street and go back to Matt’s room, she checked every direction to make sure she wasn’t being watched by anyone. Anyone who could be evil enough to think bad about her.

“Hey, I… didn’t think you’d come back.” As soon as Matt saw Rye coming through his door and all the stuff on her hands, he was intrigued. “Your parents know you are here?”

She placed her guitar close to where he was sitting on the couch and handled him the bottle with a green tea inside it. He smelled it and grimaced at her.

“What is that!?”

“It’s a tea my grandma used to make when I had migraines before college tests, it’ll help you with the pain. I put some honey on it, it’s not that bad. But I brought aspirins too, just in case” she grinned brightly and he drank a sip with eyes closed. She wanted to laugh but she held it. How could a person drink that venom called alcohol and not enjoy a simple natural tea?

“The honey really did help and you didn’t answer my question.”

“I told them I went to a friend’s house.” he raised one eyebrow. If he knew Rye well on this month he was there, she wouldn’t lie to her parents like that. “What? It’s the truth! You’re my friend. Aren’t you?”

He showed some kind of disguised smirk and kept drinking. She sat by his side and on a little table close to the couch, she could see a few papers spread exactly like on her table. She tried to read it with the corner of her eyes without being noticed and yeah, they were sketches of a song. A song for Jimmy.

‘…Nothing is harder than to wake up all alone
Realize it's not ok, it's the end of all you've known
Time keeps passing by, but it seems I'm frozen still
Scars are left behind
But some too deep to feel…’

“Hey, what is this?” she grabbed the paper and he took it away from her hand right away.

“It’s… nothing, it’s just a few things I wrote. It’s not worth it.” He was acting just like her but… he wasn’t supposed to do that.

“Is it a song? Did you come up with the chords already?” she started to unpack her guitar right away and he tried to stop her.

“No, no, please, Rye, I… I can’t handle music right now, I can’t handle noises, my head is killing me.”

“It’s acoustic, I’ll strum really softly and… well show me the chords first.”

“I don’t have brain for that right now, I’m exhausted.” The dark circles around his eyes seemed worse now, but Rye knew she had to push him. He had to wear his energies on something he really enjoys to do. Music could bring him back.

“Tell me something Matt, do you believe in the healing power of music?”

He thought about it a little and nodded.

“Yeah, I do, actually.”

“So that’s what you need right now. Let’s do this, let’s finish this song. We have the entire night to do that.” She smiled gracefully and he traded glances between the paper and her glowing eyes.

“I’m mad at music too…” his sad eyes wouldn’t convince her to give up now.

“So I’ll help you make amends with it. C’mon, you need to do this. Then… who knows, maybe later I can show you one of my own too…” she smirked and he finally smiled back.

“I like that deal.” She chuckled and handled him the guitar. “No… I’ll tell you the chords and you play it. I like more when you play it.”

And once they started, they couldn’t stop anymore. Matt had almost finished the entire song when Rye came and helped him fix a few phrases and a few things missing. Sometimes Matt would simply remember a crazy story about Jimmy and they would laugh for about half an hour before going back to C sharps and Es. And on one of those times, he simply gazed at her and said it:

“This… you know… writing songs until late nights. It’s what Jimmy and I liked to do most together. It feels the same with you.”

And she kept strumming a chord aimlessly and almost soundlessly, she even got lost with her fingers when she heard those words.

With that sentence, he touched her heart really deeply.

On that night, she made him feel like his heart was beating again.

---

Next day, when Matt woke up with the sun shining on his eyes, the first thing he noticed was the horrible way he had slept in his bed, all dressed up, legs falling out and head away from the pillow. He couldn’t remember when and how he went into that deep sleep that made him out for hours. He hadn’t slept that well in months, even though he was all crooked in that position.

He stood up slowly, just waiting for the moment he’d feel his brain pounding and throbbing torturously inside his skull. But it never happened, he was only experiencing a little pain, much better than last night’s explosive migraine.

He stretched his arms, yawned and opened his eyes entirely. He frowned at the same time he caught a glimpse of a girl sleeping peacefully on his couch, all lopsided and crooked as well. He didn’t even remember Rye was still there in his room, all he could remember was the good time they shared with that blue guitar she slept embraced on. He had to smile at that beautiful scene his eyes were capturing.

The sun was illuminating her face traces and her hijab was a little out of place, allowing Matt to see just one lock of her dark curly hair hanging on her shoulder. That simple sight made his heart beat faster, he knew he was forbidden to see her hair. And on his mind, that was kind of exciting. He was sure she had amazing secrets still to unveil for him and…

Matt!!! What the fuck are you thinking? She’s just a college student, really much younger than you, way out of your league, man…

Right?

I can’t… possibly have… feelings for her.

Can I?

At the moment her eyes opened slowly and she showed the most beautiful morning smile he’d ever seen, he was sure. When she was around him he’d forget about everything else. She made him feel alive again with her kindness, her voice, her sense of humor; her way.

Now he knew he had strong feelings for her. And he knew damn well what those feelings were.

He was falling in love with her.

Notes

Heeey, I know I took too long to update, but now I know I could write this the way I wanted, so I hope you like it, Rye, this chap is really special to me <3

This chapter made me wonder... It's been a year now I met you first, than Mei and Kim... Wow, time flies huh?? I hope this can remind you how important our friendship is for me and how I wish we could have you back here to our writing 'club' hahaha I know my words is nothing compared to yours. Damn... I really miss yours...

(I can change Matt's photo for Jensen's here if it makes you wanna read it...hahahah xD)

With love, Le