Trashed and Scattered

When I woke I felt nothing. I saw red. I heard nothing distinctive. Everything was clouded. Even my thoughts. I could feel no emotion. Yet I could sense the presence of my lover somewhere in the vicinity. I was clueless as to where I was. Dead? In Matt’s bed, the last place I remember being? The welling sadness grew on me as the cloud started to clear. I could form shapes in the corners of my eyes. Smell things. When I finally came to senses I began choking. I could finally breathe on my own, at least.
There was a commotion around my body. Fingertips prodding my face, pressing on painful bruises. Surely unintentional, but I knew I’d be in worse agony when I’d completely come around. I felt something in my throat, likely the intubation tube. Nothing made sense thus far. If I was asleep in Matt’s bed, how could I feel so damaged?
Bits of memory began coming back to me, bringing a completely different side of agony to light. Oh god, where was Brian? Where was my fiancé? Had he been informed? I began lashing out across the bed. I felt the sensation of vinyl gloves against my forearms as they were forced back down on the bed. Searing pain shot through one of my arms. What the hell happened to me? I tried to choke out his name, sputtering instead. “Baby, baby I’m here!” Brian spoke clearly in my ear. Loud, concise. My heart palpitated. “Melissa, baby, I’m right here.” And I could feel his sweaty, shaky hand surround my wrist. “Melissa, thank god you’re awake.”
I tried speaking again, managing to choke out some gibberish. It sounded so much clearer in my head. “Shhh. Honey, the doctors don’t want you to speak just yet. You’re in the hospital.” I heard him choke up. “Honey, do you remember anything? Blink once for yes, and twice for no.” I blinked twice. He squeezed my hand tighter. “Fuck…” a sniffle or two, then I think I heard Matt’s voice. Or maybe Zack. I couldn’t quite tell at this point. Also could have been a doctor.
Forever seemed to have passed by but his hand was still locked on my wrist. I could hear shallow snoring. I didn’t blame him for falling asleep. Couldn’t tell what time it was. My vision was piss poor—one eye saw blackness, the other saw blobs of colour. And god did my head ever hurt. I just wanted to know what the hell happened to me, but being unable to talk limited me to groaning and lashing out. I could barely control movement of my limbs, and everything hurt regardless.
Brian stirred and tilted his head in a way that I could make out some features of his face. I tried reaching out for him but the searing pain in my arm rose up again, causing me to wince and twitch, waking him up. “Hmm? Oh, baby, you’re awake again.” I heard him whisper. His voice was thick with emotion. He must have been exhausted.
I tried talking again, feeling the swelling in my throat had subsided enough that the choking sensation would go away. “Brian…” I wheezed. I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder. “Bri…”
“Don’t strain yourself.” He sternly said. “Something you’re trying to say?”
“What happened?” I didn’t sound like myself at all.
He paused a moment and ran a warm palm over my forehead. “You were brutally attacked. Ongoing investigation. I don’t know much about it. But the police said they’re coming in to talk to you when you’re lucid enough to talk and remember what happened. You’ve been in the ICU for four days in a coma. Skull fractures, rib fractures. Mass bruising. Internal bleeding.”
My heart skipped faster. Oh, Jesus. “What about…our baby?”
“Baby’s about the size of a peanut. They don’t think there’s any major damage to him. That’s what the doctors think, anyway.” He scratched the back of his head and sighed, dropping his chin to his chest. “Doctors think I’m responsible, still. Cops have no comment.”
Not again. Why would they assume it was him again? “Do they have…evidence?”
“Scrapings from your fingernails. Honey, what did they take from the house when it was robbed? Can you remember that for me?”
I clenched my sore eyes long and hard and strained myself, fighting every emotion to recall the most important details I knew I collected. “Records…guitars…movies. And…all your clothes…left on the floor.” I was sobbing once I choked it all out. Brian sighed and squeezed my hand. “I was so scared.”
“I bet you were, Liss. I am so fucking sorry I wasn’t here.”
“Why would they…take your clothes?”
He shrugged. “I’ll let the cops know. They still haven’t been found. Punks just up and disappear into the night like some monsters from a sewage drain. Don’t worry, Melissa. We’re going to find them. I’m just considered a subject until they do. Because it was traces of my skin that they found under your fingernails. They must have been wearing my stuff. Hadn’t been washed, right? Just the stuff on the floor?”
I nodded. “Brian…what are we going to do?”
“Nothing we can do. If and when those little fucks are caught by the cops, Matt and I are going to figure out what we can do ourselves without crossing legal limits. Exact a little revenge of our own.”
With nothing left to say, nor any energy to say it, I relaxed in my uncomfortable bed and let the waves of pain course through my body as they’d been for the past few hours I’d been awake. Even the morphine couldn’t dull the sensations of the bruises below my skin. The broken and shattered bones I couldn’t yet bring myself to accepting. I wanted it all to go away. I wanted peace and happiness back in my life. “Listen, baby. I’m gonna run down to the police station and tell them what you just told me. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“I love you,” I wheezed. He told me those same words and kissed my forehead before letting my hand limp off to the side of the bed. After watching his shadow leave the room I already yearned for his touch. A nurse came in shortly after and adjusted my meds. Slowly I began to see blackness. The pain faded for the moment and I could sleep at least for a few hours, just long enough that whatever injuries I sustained had time to begin healing.
When I woke again, the room was dark. Brian wasn’t there. Nor was anyone, as far as I could tell. My vision hadn’t improved, nor had my headache. I was starting to feel the tenderness in every inch of my skin again. I felt that something was wrong, but in my condition I could neither see it nor have the energy to call for a nurse to turn the light on. Had I slipped away into darkness again? Had it been ages for Brian to wait for me to recover? Had I died instead?
I was still too weak to shout. I could barely lift my hand to touch my face, let alone reach across the bed to grasp the remote which could call a nurse to help me. I began to feel the sorrow of loneliness and abandonment, as I had suffered since I first woken two days ago.
There was someone with me in the room. I knew just by the faint sound of breathing. It was hard to hear, don’t get me wrong, because the machines I was attached to were quite loud. But I knew someone was there. Only I was far too afraid and weak to reach out. I didn’t feel threatened; I didn’t believe I needed to worry for my safety any more than I already had. I mean, look where all the worrying and precautions got me.
When I came to, I could see the faint outline of my visitor. Familiar, yet I couldn’t quite put my finger on their identity. I tried to gather what strength I could and barked out a raspy hello, only to receive chilling silence. The visitor was silent for some time. I thought of the Four Horsemen. Death to loom over the suffering, while his three partners wreaked their own havoc upon the world. Hunger to feed the spirit of everything it was willing, pestilence to make it impure, and war to spark a profound hatred among the sufferer. And it was I who hungered, became impure, and hated myself for what had become of me. I wouldn’t have been the slightest bit surprised if death had brought me an invitation to end my suffering. “Hello?” I choked out again, this time experiencing different, far more settling results.
“Melissa?” I heard the person say. They were whispering, making identification a lot more difficult for my already poor sense of hearing. “Melissa, why aren’t you resting?”
“Who are you?”
“It’s me—Matt.”
Matt? Why the hell was he here? “What are you doing?” I asked him, my tone dark and irritable.
He shuffled in his seat and drew closer to me. I could see his face from the shadow now. I barely recognized him with his new hair style. “Brian knows I’m here. I just came to talk to you alone. I wanted to express how sorry I was that this happened to you.”
“I’m sorry about your house.”
“Melissa, I’m not upset by that. We’re all shocked about why this happened. Why it happened to you and not anyone else no one is really sure of, but Jesus. We’re glad you’re still breathing. Brian said they have a lead, but it’s looping around back to him. Whoever planned this whole thing really had it out for Brian.”
I tried to take in what he said but my head was still so clouded from the drugs. I had a feeling I was drooling but couldn’t bring myself to feel embarrassed. “I’m sorry about Bishop.”
“He’s okay, Melissa. He took quite a beating too, but the old mutt’s fine. He’s quite upset I think. Tried his best to defend you.”
I felt tears begin to well up. Matt took my hand and squeezed it just as Brian had done earlier. “Melissa, I hate what happened to you. Especially when it was in my own home. I couldn’t go back there. I couldn’t handle walking in and seeing the blood on the floor. The broken glass. Listen, I only came here to tell you one thing. Are you listening?”
Nodding comprehensively, I felt his grip on my hand tighten. “When we find them, and we will find them, we’re going to lay a memorable beating on them. Just as they did to you. Brian won’t be there for that. It’ll be me, Zack, and Jimmy. We’re looking harder than the police. We’ve got eyes on every inch of the area. The cops think that Bishop got one of them. Apparently there wasn’t enough blood to get a match, but it gave them some leads. We’re gonna figure this thing out. We got you, girl.”
I gripped Matt’s hand in return. “Thank you.”
“How are you hanging in, anyways? Need anything?” I nodded. “What do you need?”
“I want you to make a promise.”
“Of course, anything.” He bent down closer to me so I didn’t have to try and yell as loudly. “Or maybe you should save your strength.”
“No!” I spat, making Matt jump. “I need you…to make sure that those…cocksuckers…get what’s coming to them. They made me…impure.”
He seemed completely repulsed by that very word. “Don’t say that, Melissa. Don’t say you’re impure. Jesus, you’re a victim of tragedy. Unnecessary evil. We’re gonna correct that. Because we love you to pieces, girl. To fucking hell and back. You might be Brian’s lady but you’re a part of our family. You’re the bravest chick I ever met. And for that, you deserve justice. We’re gonna ensure you get it.”
“Don’t go to prison.” I said, cracking a smile. Matt bent down and kissed my cheek, pulling my damaged body up into his again. “Thanks for letting me stay at your place.”
“I figured it was the best option. Better than staying in a hotel room. Prevented Bishop from starving and gave you a somewhat familiar environment. Just hopefully it didn’t weird you out, you know.”
Silent for a few moments, I touched his face. The rough stubble wasn’t something I was used to, but it suited him in a way. Matt was handsome. Maybe not as handsome as my Brian but he was almost as intimidating. “I think about that a lot.”
“Me too.” In that moment I could feel the sadness in his eyes. He was alone. What Brian and I had was the closest he’d ever have to something real again. Surely it would be a long time before he trusted another woman again. “I’ve been jealous of Brian for a very long time. I know this is a bad time to talk about it, but you and I can never really get time to talk about it. Brian’s always around, and it feels weird enough talking about it just us.”
“I know. Brian said that you…wanted another go of it.”
He cocked one eyebrow and gave his sheepish little smile with the dimples he always did. “Yeah, I do.”
I rolled my eyes, but understood the angst he felt. “Yeah, I wouldn’t mind.”
“Might be impossible now that you’re expecting…and, well, because this happened. God, I truly am sorry. Came here to have a nice conversation and ended up completely turning it around.”
“Don’t worry about it. Shit happens. Just do what you guys are doing…things will work out eventually…one way or another. Most we can do is keep it within memory. Hell, if I’m able to remember anything at all.”
“You seem to be perking up. I’ll text Brian, let him know you’re doing better.”
Smiling, I closed my eyes again. Matt stood up and flexed his back so as to stretch out from being hunched over all this time; he looked back at me before leaving the room, kissing my hand before peeling away. He and Brian both showed me all the affection and love I could take, if not more. But it was Brian I loved, no matter how attractive I found Matt. No matter how much I daydreamed about what happened between us all. That part of my memory remained and I was grateful to employ some comfort in the lonely nighttime hours.

Notes

Okay, Melissa is awake.