Trashed and Scattered

We got the news when we hit Spokane that Melissa was hospitalized. At first I thought it was a joke. Some nasty idea that the folks at home concocted to get a rise out of me. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks, a stone-cold blow to the gut. I puked. We were still on the bus. When I’d turned my phone on I got all the messages. Brian, I think I’m in trouble. Babe I’m scared. I know you won’t answer but if something bad happens to me tonight I don’t know who to call. Safe to say I didn’t believe my heart could drop into my stomach so goddamn fast. I was dizzy. I was weak. Scared fucking shitless for my wife-to-be and unborn child. My whole world, lying in some hospital somewhere back in California while I was sitting in a bus at a gas station vibrating with rage.
“Matt, we gotta go.” I quietly spoke, hoping my voice wouldn’t break in tears. “Matt, Melissa was attacked. She was attacked at your place, cops won’t give a full fucking report until we get there to see her, and I can’t stay on this fucking bus any longer. I gotta go back, Matt. I gotta go.”
Matt was shocked, to say the least. I hadn’t seen the colour rush from someone’s face so fast. “What the hell are you talking about? What happened to her?”
“Same fucking hooligans as the one that broke into our place, my best guess. They…they mutilated her. Fucking raped her.” My stomach churned again. I vomited more. Matt’s breathing got heavy.
He patted my back, shaking his head with his other hand. I could tell he was getting flustered. “I’m getting on the horn with Phil. Tell him everything that’s happening, and then we’re getting plane tickets back home tonight. Fucking a-sap. I don’t give a shit what the other guys say. Attack on one is an attack on all of us. We’re at war, buddy. Let’s go get your girl.” I sat on the floor of the bus bathroom with my face between my hands and let the sobs free. I wasn’t going on tour for a long, long fucking time after this go around. Johnny, who of the other three happened to see some of the commotion between me and Matt, barged in and questioned the latter. “We’re going home.” Matt said to the little runt. “Pack your shit up again. We gotta catch a plane.”
“The fuck do you mean? We just got here!”
“Yeah, well Melissa almost fucking died!” I screeched at Johnny. Like Matt, he too went white as a sheet. “So we’re going back to California so I can see her. Oh god, my baby, Junior…” Matt knelt beside me as I felt the world begin to spin again. “Matt, why did it have to happen to her? Why?”
He shook his head. I felt his hot, sweaty hand on my neck. Solemn comfort. Johnny’s too. He left to tell Zack and Jimmy, who bolted back in with bags full of junk. They dropped everything in their hands and surrounded me, face full of runny black makeup. I was a gross crier, something we could have laughed about after the fact. Jimmy wrapped his gangly arms around me and dipped his head between my neck and shoulder.
I could hear Matt on the phone outside with Phil. His tone was raised. Phil, as usual, was being a cock sucking cunt with no regard for human emotion, so canceling arrangements was out of the question in his books. Matt also had his methods of persuasion. Phil tended to back off when Matt pushed it. I was grateful this time around. “Okay, boys. Bus gets parked until Phil can arrange for someone to take care of it. We’re getting a ride to the airport. Be back home inside an hour. Take it easy, Brian. Melissa’s holding on.”
“I’m sorry guys.” I choked out between sobs. Jimmy didn’t let up on his grip. Johnny scratched his head. I was shaking from rage, building up steam. Major hyperventilation. I wanted to put a fucking hole in a wall. I wanted to end the bastards that stuck Melissa in the ICU. Surely my brothers would assist me in doing so. Jimmy helped me to my feet and walked me to the bus door. My legs were far too weak to support myself. The car was awaiting us just outside the bus. I was relieved at how fast things were moving. Zack locked the bus and climbed in last. No one said a word on the way to the airport. My sides hurt from sobbing and I still shook uncontrollably.
It was a twenty minute drive to the airport with expected traffic conditions. Upon arrival we rushed to buy our tickets and barrelled to the gate. Flight was departing in a matter of minutes. Security barely passed us through. We were travelling with nothing except our wallets as everything was left in the bus. Soon I would be home, er in the hospital, waiting for Melissa to wake up and see that things were going to be okay. And I hoped to every deity I knew that she was going to be okay. She was my fighter. And I was so lost, so far away. I felt pathetic for not being there. Protecting the one other part of my life I’d have taken a bullet for.
Once we were on the plane I was starting to relax. I sat next to Jimmy on my right at the window and Matt on my left. He didn’t take his eyes off me the whole way. We were in the air for almost an hour, slight turbulence, some delay on the runway to account for. Normally I wasn’t a good flier at all. But with the weight on my mind, I needed to get home. I’d have ran the distance if it was humanly possible. Anything for her. Anything for my child.
When the plane landed I was tense in my seat, ready for the engine to shut off and the door to open so I could tear my lap belt off and run to the next cab. Fans were gawking at the sight of us, in full band gear. I almost didn’t notice as everything was a blur. I was determined to get there as soon as I could, with or without my brothers. Yet, they kept pace with me. After hailing a cab we were en route to the hospital. I began breathing normally again, still shaking, still full of violent rage just wishing to come spilling out. Johnny and Zack stayed behind to pay the fare as Jimmy, Matt, and I bolted through the hospital halls. Nurses came at me from all different directions, shoving clipboards at me.
“Melissa Sanders’ room! Where’s Melissa Sanders’ room?” I yelled after stopping to catch my breath. “Please, she’s my fiancée. She’s pregnant. I need to see her.”
“Sir, she’s in intensive care. She cannot be disturbed right now. She’s been assaulted and needs to be left alone until further notice.”
“You don’t understand! I need to see my wife! I just got into town. She was trying to contact me before it all happened, I only just found out a couple hours ago. Please, it’s my kid she’s carrying. Please.” I was back into sobbing now, legs shaking to the point I was collapsing. Every patron in the hospital had their eyes on me, the pathetic beefed up rocker in full concert garb, bawling his eyes out. Even Matt was getting angry. Verbally abusing some of the medical staff. We were trying not to make a scene but I’d had it up to my eyeballs already of fucking protocol. I wanted to see Melissa before it killed me. “Just let me see her. Through a fucking window, I don’t care. I just need to see that she’s still breathing.”
“Alright, fine. Come with us. But keep it down please!” we followed the nurse to a secluded ward where I saw my beloved girl behind a huge plate glass window in a gurney with tubes sticking out from all over. I felt queasy again, my anger and hatred firing up again as it did when I got the news. She was bandaged from head to toe. I couldn’t see any familiar features of her face besides her beautiful flowing hair, matted and heaped together with dried blood. I fell to my knees, unable to cope with the overbearing thought that I failed her. I failed my son. I was too selfish and caught up in the band. “I’m so sorry.” I whispered, my voice cracking badly. Matt pulled me to my feet and I sobbed on his shoulder for what felt like eternity. The nurse left us alone for as long as we needed.
When my crying fit had ceased, I approached the window and pressed my forehead against it, palms stretched across the cool glass, as though I could somehow touch her. I felt every raw emotion so much deeper when I actually saw her. I looked back towards my solemn bandmates, standing by the door, their heads pointed at the ground. Jimmy and Matt, who stood in the door frame, shuffled over when a cop came in and caught my attention. “Mr. Brian Haner?” he asked me.
“Yeah, yeah that’s me.”
“My name is Officer Hanson. I covered Ms. Sanders’ case today. Whereabouts were you during the time this occurred, Mr. Haner?”
I was sure to stutter. “We just reached Washington State. On business.”
Eyeing me cautiously, he placed both hands on his hips. “What kind of business trip?”
“Music. We’re…we’re a metal band from Huntington Beach. We live in Los Angeles. I was supposed to be gone for another month and a half. But I got the update from his wife”—I pointed at Jimmy—“who was Melissa’s emergency contact when I’m out of state.”
“How long have you been out of state?”
“Eleven days.” I coughed. The sobs hurt my throat and I was finding it particularly hard not to continue on with them. “Officer, what exactly happened?”
He sighed and stared at the floor. I expected it to be one of those things cops did when attempting to express condolence. “As we may conclude now, she was attacked by five different people. Is it possible if I spoke to you privately?”
I nodded and followed him into the hall. Told Matt to stay. “Mr. Haner, your fiancée was beaten within an inch of her life. Ms. Sanders tested positive for rape with two assailants. We have several leads on them as of now. We got there a moment too late. It turns out Melissa scratched one of them. If we can find a match, we can find the purps.” I breathed out slowly, trying to take everything in. Little by little I lost faith in myself as a husband and father. “We had reason to believe that you were a suspect, Mr. Haner. Eyewitnesses said that the five similarly resembled you and your ensemble. They could attest to your involvement in a band. Surely so could all the noise complaints that have been filed in your neighbourhood.”
“So you’re going to find these fucks, right? Put em away where they belong?” I felt my arms tighten up, my fists clench. I was ready to seriously hurt something. “When did this happen, anyway?”
“Approximately two-thirty this morning was when we arrived at the Sanders residence. Your bandmate, I presume. Now, what I don’t understand entirely is why Melissa was at the Sanders residence. I do understand that your house was closed as a crime scene. It’s been taken into consideration the possibility that your vehicle was marked by these people, as we have many reasons to believe that the people who broke into your house were the attackers. You don’t have any discernible enemies, do you? Anyone we’d suspect to do this to you and your fiancée?”
I shook my head. So dizzy, so tired, so hurt by the day’s events. “I can’t think of anyone.”
“Alright. I’ve got what I need. Do you mind giving us your contact information if we have further questioning?”
“No, no. I’ll tell you.” I gave my cell number as I was entirely sure my house was still inaccessible. And now Matt’s was too. I wasn’t able to tell if Matt was pissed off that Melissa brought this on his place or if he was pissed that this had happened to her. Either way, the subject would be sore for a while. Zack offered for Matt and me to stay at his place, but I insisted that I’d be staying in the hospital with her. If it took weeks for her to open her eyes, so be it. I’d endure it. I couldn’t bitch out on her now. Not after what I let her go through.
I wished it was me who was on that bed, bruised and broken. In total agonizing pain. Unable to fend for myself. If only I could brush my hand against her cheek. Touch her belly to feel my growing son. After I entered the room where the other four remained, I told them all to call it a night. I’d take one of the chairs in the room and sleep for a couple hours to just be there. There was no way I could leave her again. “You sure, man?” Matt asked. “I can stay with you. Really, don’t mind at all.”
“Yeah, us too, Bri.” Jimmy said while the other two shook their heads in agreement. “Fuck, we’ll all stay to keep you both company. We’re all family, aren’t we?”
“Yeah, but you and Zack got wives you ought to see. I could keep runt and Matt but you two really ought to go back home.” truth was, I was about to fall asleep standing up. A long day of travel accompanied by a shocking turn of events. It was enough to wear anyone down, even a big guy like me or Matt. Yet, they stayed right where they sat. I sat on the floor with my back leaning up against the glass wall, as if to keep providing comfort. I was hopeful that she’d wake up in the middle of the night and call my name, allowing for things to go back to something of a normal. I had so many questions to ask the nurses and doctors in the morning, most concerning the baby and if it had been injured at all.
When I finally nodded off to sleep, I was kept within a comfort of knowing I was there near her and that she could never be exposed to danger as long as I was around.

Notes