Warmness on the soul
I can't breathe
*Joana’s P.O.V*
3 long years now has been passed and the big moment was about to come. In one hour I could call myself Miss Brock. The weather was fine – all people around me were happy and shining ‘bright like a diamond’. That song stuck in my head and just by coincidence it was running on the radio right now. I tried to ignore it and just concentrate on the ceremony. I was really excited and it was literally the best day in my life.
My friend had turned on the radio when she was doing my hair. I got some cool extensions. Though I was pretty nervous I could sit still in my bath robe on the chair and waiting my friend coming back again. She said that she had to get some stuff before she could go on. I chuckled. Everything she could use was on the desk right next to me. Impossible that there was something missing.
‘Stay tuned dudes. We soon have Synyster Gates aka Brian Haner on the phone for a short interview.’
“What?” I grumbled.
This seemed to be a pretty bad joke right now Gwen. I know you love to tease me still with my ex-boyfriend, but still after years I couldn’t hear his voice or answer his emails. I was happy when he stopped about 2 months ago. I just didn’t want to see him or talk to him. I know I owed him some answers but I just couldn’t give it to him right now.
I never meant to break his heart, but I really had no other choice. I had to do it.
When I just got up my friend Gwen was coming in again. God, she knows really something about ‘right timing’.
“Don’t you dare to get up until you are finished, ok?”
“I just wanted to …”
I couldn’t even finish my sentence. She already interrupted me by telling me who already arrived, who she talked with and if everything was just about to start.
At least she was talking louder than the radio so I did not had to stand his voice and pretend everything was just ok, because it was surely not.
“Have you prepared your little speech for later, honey?”
“What speech?”
What was she talking about?! No one told me to prepare something. Selfishly I thought everyone else would take care about us. We had a really busy schedule. I mean you do not prepare a wedding in 2 weeks. It takes an entire time and I was lucky when this was over. I just could lean back and waiting for the special day.
“The speech you do before you exchange the rings of course. Hun, have you never watched love stories?”
I could hear her ironic voice totally, but it was not the right time to make jokes like that.
“Yeah of course I did, but this is just happening in movies, you know. I never thought this is a real thing.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed loudly. I just had one hour to create some great words that I say into my hubby’s face. Plus it was quite early in the morning. So where should I take the concentration and the creativity to do this?! I couldn’t snap with my fingers and had the best vow in my mind. That was taking some time as well, but I didn’t had that one now. I sighed in frustration and was about to cancel everything right now.
“Love, I will help if you want me to but you need to know what your hubby means to you and what you feel when you are close. It is only what you can express.” She kneeled right next to me.
“Ok but give me some space. I have to be alone for this.”
What shall I do otherwise?! Before I had to start with this she helped me into my long wedding dress. The top was a corset made of silk followed by a floor-length skirt. I looked into the mirror and we both were fighting not to start crying right now. That’s what I was dreaming of all the time and now my dream was about to come true.
“Save them for later, honey.”
Suddenly someone knocked on the door. No one should see me before the wedding. It should have been all a surprise for all my friends and family that we invited.
“Who is there?” Gwen asked.
No one answered. Gwen was a little bit surprised because she knows that my man won’t knock on the door before the wedding. Not when everything was on its place. All guests were already on their seat, as Gwen had told me. So there wasn’t anyone that we expected to come.
Slowly she opened the door and no one was there. The mysterious person was gone. Maybe he or she was knocking on the wrong door but was too embarrassed to admit it.
I tried not to think longer about this. I waved to Gwen and sat down on the couch, took a piece of paper and tried to find some words in the last 30 minutes. I hated to be stressed because I couldn’t think of anything that I wanted to say to Aidan. I know what I was feeling but it wasn’t good enough for a vow.
The radio was still running and I listened to the interview that the host did with Brian. I tried to ignore it but something sounds a bit strange. I don’t know why but I figured out that the music in the background was that song that was playing on my wedding. I could call that pure coincidence but it was a little bit weird. He actually didn’t know about it, no one had talked to him because I really didn’t want him to know. It was enough that he had seen me with him already in our favourite restaurant and singing one cool song for me, but that wedding thing would be too much for him.
The only things I just had was ‘My dear hubby’ … Oh how special. I had one of these days where my brain was literally empty. I couldn’t come up with anything than ‘My dear Hubby’. That was really frustrating. Maybe I just should improvise at the ceremony when I looked deep into his eyes. When I wouldn’t come up with any words then I would really doubt about my feelings for him..
‘What do you think is she going to wear?’
The time when I just wanted to close my eyes that sentence came from nowhere. It didn’t sound that it was from behind the door.
“I think she will be looking really pretty as far as I can say from the last time I saw her” the radio host said.
Were they really talking about me right now? How did they even know about my wedding? I was just happy that they finished their talk with Brian, so he probably didn’t had to hear that right now. I used to catch up with them regular when I was still dating Brian and touring with these guys around. We were all like a big family but since I broke up I really tried to take a big distance to all this stuff. There was a reason why I wasn’t working anymore as sound engineer.
It seems that time was just passing so fast and that I just met him last night. Now we have been a couple for about 3 years. Not a long time though – but enough to know that he was the only man I ever wanted.
“Brian will find out anyway”, Stephen, the radio host, finished and played some music again.
What does it mean that Brian will find it out anyway?! He knows about the wedding or were they really thinking that we were still in touch?! I really hoped that was just some stupid joke. I already was pretty nervous and I couldn’t really take it when Brian would really appear on my wedding. We might had some mutual friends still, but that doesn’t mean that he was still part in my life.
Gwen was just coming in and reminded me that there were only 15 minutes time.
“Is everything alright, love?”
Gwen looked at me, concerned, but didn’t say anything. I felt her really cold hand on my back. It was really too much. Just this moment I wanted to get rid of this outfit, my make-up and everyone around me.
“I think Brian knows about my wedding.”
I didn’t look at her. I stared onto the wall in front of me. I tried to calm myself again. My hands started to be shiver. Actually my whole body was shivering. I couldn’t just imagine to stand in front of all people, maybe even Brian as one of the guests, and saying “I do” to my man. First it would hurt him only more and what would my husband say about this?!
He would probably think that I invited him and would start one of his arguments again. Aidan wasn’t really amused about his appearance on the restaurant but at the wedding was far too much. I didn’t want to imagine what might happens then. Life was too good and right now it turned upside down.
“Even he might be here you wouldn’t recognize him from all the 50 people here. If so, I am still here and so is Natalie who is nervous as you are. If he wants to give himself another punishment, he should do it. As long as he stays quiet.”
Gwen was younger than me but I respected her way how she always was able to calm me down and tried to find the best solution for my situation. She seemed to be a wise women and I was happy to call her my friend.
“C’mon lets go. Feel like a princess. It is your day.”
I nodded and went to the ceremony where the pregnant Natalie was just waiting along with her husband Jared Parker. The only one who was just still single was Gwen. We knew she had a big crush on Chris, but quite too stubborn to make the first step.
Everything was so pretty and all were looking at me when I arrived the coast. The decoration was so beautiful done. Flowers guided me the way to the altar and all the little details that made it to such a perfect place. I could cry when I looked to Aidan, the one who would be my husband in few minutes.
I only focused on him and waited for the music to start.
Gwen and Natalie, my bridesmaids, were waiting in long pink dresses smiling at me which was giving me some comfort.
I felt so damn nervous. I couldn’t get much sleep last night and I was still shivering everywhere. Aidan was looking so handsome in his black suit and he gave me one of his sweetest smiles. His smile was contagious and I couldn’t resist to smile at him as well.
The music finally started and I was doing making the first steps until I heard a voice behind me.
“Please stop. “
Oh I almost forgot about the guest that wasn’t invited. I could clearly see the shock in Aidan’s face. He didn’t seem quite amused when Brian was singing at the restaurant and I hugged him for that. No one has done this for me before. Of course it flattered me but he shouldn’t have done that. It was totally the wrong timing.
“What are you doing here Brian?” I turned around and looked into his brown eyes.
“You can’t go without this, sweetheart.”
He was giving me the necklace that I had left with my last note. I couldn’t believe it that he still had that one. I would have thought that he might would giving it to his girlfriend, if he had one at least.
“Thank you” I whispered even when I felt bad by taking it.
I don’t know what was happening with me in this moment. There was that special magic between us again so I formed with my lips that I want to see him after the wedding. Maybe one final talk would help and ease the pain a little bit.
He sat down and I continued going further and I kissed Aidan and whispered ‘Don’t be a bitch’. Aidan took my hand and we looked at each other while the priest was doing his usual speech.
“"We are gathered together on this beautiful morning to share with Joana and Aidan as they exchange vows of their everlasting love.”
“I haven’t prepared anything” Aidan seemed slightly embarrassed.
“But I did” I said.
I cleared my throat once again, looked into his eyes and the ideas were coming.
I love to see you walk into the room
Body shining lighting up the place
And when you talk, everybody stops
Cause they know you know just what to say
And the way that you protect your friends
Baby, I respect you for that
And when you grow, you take everyone you love along
I love that you don’t fly me away
Don’t need to buy a diamond key to unlock my heart
You shelter my soul
You’re my fire when I’m cold
I want you to know
I will love you endlessly
Aidan was brought to tears. I kissed his tears away and smiled at him. The priest started again and we both answered with ‘I do’ before he kissed me. After a short kiss I pushed him away because I desperately wanted to talk to Brian. I wanted him to be gone out of my life and it better happened soon.
All guests applauded while we started going to the room we rent for that day. It was a huge hall, high walls and marble floor. It looked so classy and great for a wedding.
Brian just followed quite closely. Before anyone saw anything I pushed him to a room, locked it and sighed out deeply when I looked into those eyes that I loved for almost 10 years.
“Why are you doing that?” I whispered because I was really afraid that anyone could hear us.
“Can’t you think that? Isn’t it obvious?”
“It might be, Brian, but how often do I have to say it is over?! I ignored all your mails on purpose because I don’t love you anymore” I turned around because I didn’t want to face him right now.
“I just want you to tell me why you suddenly break up. You can’t tell me that you don’t love me anymore because I don’t buy that. You don’t stop loving someone that you have been with for 10 years.”
I remained silent. I just couldn’t tell him the truth. I just couldn’t do that right now. It would destroy a lot and I didn’t want to risk that. It was perfect as it was until Brian appeared here.
“Well you know the reason now” I turned around “Then you can go now.”
Brian nodded but before he was going he pulled me into his arms and kissed me passionately.
3 long years now has been passed and the big moment was about to come. In one hour I could call myself Miss Brock. The weather was fine – all people around me were happy and shining ‘bright like a diamond’. That song stuck in my head and just by coincidence it was running on the radio right now. I tried to ignore it and just concentrate on the ceremony. I was really excited and it was literally the best day in my life.
My friend had turned on the radio when she was doing my hair. I got some cool extensions. Though I was pretty nervous I could sit still in my bath robe on the chair and waiting my friend coming back again. She said that she had to get some stuff before she could go on. I chuckled. Everything she could use was on the desk right next to me. Impossible that there was something missing.
‘Stay tuned dudes. We soon have Synyster Gates aka Brian Haner on the phone for a short interview.’
“What?” I grumbled.
This seemed to be a pretty bad joke right now Gwen. I know you love to tease me still with my ex-boyfriend, but still after years I couldn’t hear his voice or answer his emails. I was happy when he stopped about 2 months ago. I just didn’t want to see him or talk to him. I know I owed him some answers but I just couldn’t give it to him right now.
I never meant to break his heart, but I really had no other choice. I had to do it.
When I just got up my friend Gwen was coming in again. God, she knows really something about ‘right timing’.
“Don’t you dare to get up until you are finished, ok?”
“I just wanted to …”
I couldn’t even finish my sentence. She already interrupted me by telling me who already arrived, who she talked with and if everything was just about to start.
At least she was talking louder than the radio so I did not had to stand his voice and pretend everything was just ok, because it was surely not.
“Have you prepared your little speech for later, honey?”
“What speech?”
What was she talking about?! No one told me to prepare something. Selfishly I thought everyone else would take care about us. We had a really busy schedule. I mean you do not prepare a wedding in 2 weeks. It takes an entire time and I was lucky when this was over. I just could lean back and waiting for the special day.
“The speech you do before you exchange the rings of course. Hun, have you never watched love stories?”
I could hear her ironic voice totally, but it was not the right time to make jokes like that.
“Yeah of course I did, but this is just happening in movies, you know. I never thought this is a real thing.”
I rolled my eyes and sighed loudly. I just had one hour to create some great words that I say into my hubby’s face. Plus it was quite early in the morning. So where should I take the concentration and the creativity to do this?! I couldn’t snap with my fingers and had the best vow in my mind. That was taking some time as well, but I didn’t had that one now. I sighed in frustration and was about to cancel everything right now.
“Love, I will help if you want me to but you need to know what your hubby means to you and what you feel when you are close. It is only what you can express.” She kneeled right next to me.
“Ok but give me some space. I have to be alone for this.”
What shall I do otherwise?! Before I had to start with this she helped me into my long wedding dress. The top was a corset made of silk followed by a floor-length skirt. I looked into the mirror and we both were fighting not to start crying right now. That’s what I was dreaming of all the time and now my dream was about to come true.
“Save them for later, honey.”
Suddenly someone knocked on the door. No one should see me before the wedding. It should have been all a surprise for all my friends and family that we invited.
“Who is there?” Gwen asked.
No one answered. Gwen was a little bit surprised because she knows that my man won’t knock on the door before the wedding. Not when everything was on its place. All guests were already on their seat, as Gwen had told me. So there wasn’t anyone that we expected to come.
Slowly she opened the door and no one was there. The mysterious person was gone. Maybe he or she was knocking on the wrong door but was too embarrassed to admit it.
I tried not to think longer about this. I waved to Gwen and sat down on the couch, took a piece of paper and tried to find some words in the last 30 minutes. I hated to be stressed because I couldn’t think of anything that I wanted to say to Aidan. I know what I was feeling but it wasn’t good enough for a vow.
The radio was still running and I listened to the interview that the host did with Brian. I tried to ignore it but something sounds a bit strange. I don’t know why but I figured out that the music in the background was that song that was playing on my wedding. I could call that pure coincidence but it was a little bit weird. He actually didn’t know about it, no one had talked to him because I really didn’t want him to know. It was enough that he had seen me with him already in our favourite restaurant and singing one cool song for me, but that wedding thing would be too much for him.
The only things I just had was ‘My dear hubby’ … Oh how special. I had one of these days where my brain was literally empty. I couldn’t come up with anything than ‘My dear Hubby’. That was really frustrating. Maybe I just should improvise at the ceremony when I looked deep into his eyes. When I wouldn’t come up with any words then I would really doubt about my feelings for him..
‘What do you think is she going to wear?’
The time when I just wanted to close my eyes that sentence came from nowhere. It didn’t sound that it was from behind the door.
“I think she will be looking really pretty as far as I can say from the last time I saw her” the radio host said.
Were they really talking about me right now? How did they even know about my wedding? I was just happy that they finished their talk with Brian, so he probably didn’t had to hear that right now. I used to catch up with them regular when I was still dating Brian and touring with these guys around. We were all like a big family but since I broke up I really tried to take a big distance to all this stuff. There was a reason why I wasn’t working anymore as sound engineer.
It seems that time was just passing so fast and that I just met him last night. Now we have been a couple for about 3 years. Not a long time though – but enough to know that he was the only man I ever wanted.
“Brian will find out anyway”, Stephen, the radio host, finished and played some music again.
What does it mean that Brian will find it out anyway?! He knows about the wedding or were they really thinking that we were still in touch?! I really hoped that was just some stupid joke. I already was pretty nervous and I couldn’t really take it when Brian would really appear on my wedding. We might had some mutual friends still, but that doesn’t mean that he was still part in my life.
Gwen was just coming in and reminded me that there were only 15 minutes time.
“Is everything alright, love?”
Gwen looked at me, concerned, but didn’t say anything. I felt her really cold hand on my back. It was really too much. Just this moment I wanted to get rid of this outfit, my make-up and everyone around me.
“I think Brian knows about my wedding.”
I didn’t look at her. I stared onto the wall in front of me. I tried to calm myself again. My hands started to be shiver. Actually my whole body was shivering. I couldn’t just imagine to stand in front of all people, maybe even Brian as one of the guests, and saying “I do” to my man. First it would hurt him only more and what would my husband say about this?!
He would probably think that I invited him and would start one of his arguments again. Aidan wasn’t really amused about his appearance on the restaurant but at the wedding was far too much. I didn’t want to imagine what might happens then. Life was too good and right now it turned upside down.
“Even he might be here you wouldn’t recognize him from all the 50 people here. If so, I am still here and so is Natalie who is nervous as you are. If he wants to give himself another punishment, he should do it. As long as he stays quiet.”
Gwen was younger than me but I respected her way how she always was able to calm me down and tried to find the best solution for my situation. She seemed to be a wise women and I was happy to call her my friend.
“C’mon lets go. Feel like a princess. It is your day.”
I nodded and went to the ceremony where the pregnant Natalie was just waiting along with her husband Jared Parker. The only one who was just still single was Gwen. We knew she had a big crush on Chris, but quite too stubborn to make the first step.
Everything was so pretty and all were looking at me when I arrived the coast. The decoration was so beautiful done. Flowers guided me the way to the altar and all the little details that made it to such a perfect place. I could cry when I looked to Aidan, the one who would be my husband in few minutes.
I only focused on him and waited for the music to start.
Gwen and Natalie, my bridesmaids, were waiting in long pink dresses smiling at me which was giving me some comfort.
I felt so damn nervous. I couldn’t get much sleep last night and I was still shivering everywhere. Aidan was looking so handsome in his black suit and he gave me one of his sweetest smiles. His smile was contagious and I couldn’t resist to smile at him as well.
The music finally started and I was doing making the first steps until I heard a voice behind me.
“Please stop. “
Oh I almost forgot about the guest that wasn’t invited. I could clearly see the shock in Aidan’s face. He didn’t seem quite amused when Brian was singing at the restaurant and I hugged him for that. No one has done this for me before. Of course it flattered me but he shouldn’t have done that. It was totally the wrong timing.
“What are you doing here Brian?” I turned around and looked into his brown eyes.
“You can’t go without this, sweetheart.”
He was giving me the necklace that I had left with my last note. I couldn’t believe it that he still had that one. I would have thought that he might would giving it to his girlfriend, if he had one at least.
“Thank you” I whispered even when I felt bad by taking it.
I don’t know what was happening with me in this moment. There was that special magic between us again so I formed with my lips that I want to see him after the wedding. Maybe one final talk would help and ease the pain a little bit.
He sat down and I continued going further and I kissed Aidan and whispered ‘Don’t be a bitch’. Aidan took my hand and we looked at each other while the priest was doing his usual speech.
“"We are gathered together on this beautiful morning to share with Joana and Aidan as they exchange vows of their everlasting love.”
“I haven’t prepared anything” Aidan seemed slightly embarrassed.
“But I did” I said.
I cleared my throat once again, looked into his eyes and the ideas were coming.
I love to see you walk into the room
Body shining lighting up the place
And when you talk, everybody stops
Cause they know you know just what to say
And the way that you protect your friends
Baby, I respect you for that
And when you grow, you take everyone you love along
I love that you don’t fly me away
Don’t need to buy a diamond key to unlock my heart
You shelter my soul
You’re my fire when I’m cold
I want you to know
I will love you endlessly
Aidan was brought to tears. I kissed his tears away and smiled at him. The priest started again and we both answered with ‘I do’ before he kissed me. After a short kiss I pushed him away because I desperately wanted to talk to Brian. I wanted him to be gone out of my life and it better happened soon.
All guests applauded while we started going to the room we rent for that day. It was a huge hall, high walls and marble floor. It looked so classy and great for a wedding.
Brian just followed quite closely. Before anyone saw anything I pushed him to a room, locked it and sighed out deeply when I looked into those eyes that I loved for almost 10 years.
“Why are you doing that?” I whispered because I was really afraid that anyone could hear us.
“Can’t you think that? Isn’t it obvious?”
“It might be, Brian, but how often do I have to say it is over?! I ignored all your mails on purpose because I don’t love you anymore” I turned around because I didn’t want to face him right now.
“I just want you to tell me why you suddenly break up. You can’t tell me that you don’t love me anymore because I don’t buy that. You don’t stop loving someone that you have been with for 10 years.”
I remained silent. I just couldn’t tell him the truth. I just couldn’t do that right now. It would destroy a lot and I didn’t want to risk that. It was perfect as it was until Brian appeared here.
“Well you know the reason now” I turned around “Then you can go now.”
Brian nodded but before he was going he pulled me into his arms and kissed me passionately.
@Holy7X
thanks so much hun! :* well who wrote that message will be revealed in the next chapter. you just sadly have to wait for that! :) but i promise it won't be that long anymore! ;)
11/10/14