Brian’s mouth had been opening and closing for the last few minutes, but no words had yet to come out. I kept biting on my lip or playing with my ginger hair to kill time, but I was freaking out inside.

With a frustrated sigh, I looked at him, dropping my arms on my lap, “Brian, please, just say something."

He chuckled dryly, throwing his head back and threading his fingers through his messy, black hair, “What do you want me to say? You caught me completely off guard."

"I want you to say something, anything," I told him softly, too frightened to gaze up from the safety of my lap.

"I don’t know, Lara," he replied just as softly, and from the corner of my eye, I could see he was looking at me, “How are we gonna do this now?" He asked, “How am I supposed to keep being your friend if you… if you’re in love with me?"

"I’m not," I blurt out, tilting my head to his side.

"But you’re starting to. You’re falling in love with me."

"Well, can you really blame? I didn’t do this on purpose. I have no control over my heart. It’s not like I can say, ‘Hey, you fucker, don’t fall in love with your best friend’. We just can’t fucking avoid it," I said, the anger hard to contain when all I wanted was to smash things and bury myself in a hole.

"I know," he whispered, closing his eyes for a brief moment, “I know…"

"And I tried, Brian," I choked out, as the tears I was fighting back threatened to spill from my eyes, “I tried to fucking lock these feelings up, but I can’t pretend anymore. It’s too late to go back, now."

"Are you sure? I mean… you may be confused-"

"No, Brian. No," I cut him off, diverting my eyes from his pained ones, “I’ve been confused, but not anymore. It’s not the first time I’m falling in love, you know, and it’s not the first time that it’s happening with you, either. I know the symptoms." It was a failed attempt to break the shitty mood we were in, but it wouldn’t hurt to try.

"Shit. Are you falling in love with me because… because of me?" He queried while he hesitantly lifted his eyes to meet my embarrassed, green ones.

That made me raise an eyebrow. “What? Of course it’s because of you. You’re the one I’m falling for."

"No." Shaking his head, he let out a low, empty chuckle, “I mean, was it something that I did? Something that led you on?"

Oh.

"You were just trying to get our friendship back. It’s not your fault," I assured him, even though deep down I knew exactly what had made my barriers fail on me, and Brian knew it, too.

And to reinforce what I already guessed, his brown eyes softened with realization, “The hugs, right?" He said, a tiny smile tugging onto his lips, “When I hugged you, and kissed you, even if it was only on the cheek, you’d push me away because that was making it harder for you, right? That was what led you on," he said and the way his gaze was fixed on mine, reading me, searching for the truth, made me quiver.

"No," I shook my head a little, but it wasn’t convincing enough because Brian gave me a knowing look. “Okay, yes, but I didn’t expect anything from you," I explained, wanting to make my point, “I didn’t think you were doing that because you loved me back or because you had any second intentions, but I missed you, Brian," I said with a sigh, “and my emotions are all fucked up, as you’ve already noticed."

He stayed in silence again, his face turning away from mine. I hated when he did that, when he left me without an answer and closed himself in a shell.

"Brian, I’m sorry," I tried, “I didn’t want this."

"I’m not mad," he murmured, “I just don’t get it. We were finally… getting along just fine. I was starting to have my best friend back, and now…"

"I ruined it all," I finished for him, nodding with my head as I got the cue. “Maybe I should go." I went to slide my legs off of the bed when Brian stopped me by grabbing my wrist.

"No," he said quickly, pleading with his chocolate brown eyes, “Please, you don’t need-"

"Yes, I do. I can’t stay here with you right now," I told him gently, “I… I can’t even believe I said that."

"Lara, don’t leave." Brian begging was new to me, but I could see the fear, as crystal clear as water, swirling in his iris, “Whatever you’re feeling we can make it right. But don’t go. Please," he insisted.

"I’m not leaving town, Brian," I informed him, knowing that his mind was already creating a big movie in his head. “I just need some time alone," I said calmly, and be visibly relaxed, letting go of my wrist.

"Okay."

"You, too, need time alone," I told him as I crawled out of his bed, tugging the shirt I was wearing down to hide more of my body.

I heard some movement from behind me and I looked back, watching as Brian got up and messed up his hair a bit more. “I’ll give you some privacy so you can change to your clothes."

"Thank you," I said.

Brian padded toward the door, however, when he reached it he stopped to look at me. “Where are you going?" he asked.

"The hotel, Brian. I’m just going to the hotel."

"Want a ride?" I stared at him for a second, registering his words in my brain, and when I didn’t answer right away Brian spoke again, “It’ll save you some money."

I didn’t know if it was a good idea, but he was right. Paying for a cab wasn’t cheap. “Okay. Thanks."

He nodded with a sad smile before shutting the door behind him. I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding and sat at the edge of the bed. What have you done, Lara? What the fuck have you done?

Sighing with a shake of my head, I stripped Brian’s red shirt and dressed my casual clothes. By the time I left his bedroom, Brian was sprawled out on his couch, and the fact that he wasn’t watching TV scared me a little.

"I’m ready," I announced, a small bag hanging from my shoulder. Brian turned his head to me, and what appeared to be reluctance flashed across his eyes. He sat up straight and stayed like that for a brief moment, rubbing his temples, before finally standing up from the couch and walking toward the bedroom.

"Wait here while I change." He was quick, but when he came out he looked much fresher and cleaner. “Let’s go." He nodded t the front door and walked right past me, and damn, how good he smelled.

I smiled and followed him, “Wow, my eyes are burning. Did you pour the entire bottle of cologne on top of you?" I teased, keen to break this suffocating tension between us. “Too lazy to shower?"

He let a chuckle escape through his lips as he opened the front door for me, “Well, showering requires special attention and time, and right now I have none of that."

Requires special attention. I wondered what that meant. In my naughty mind that definitely sounded like some sexy time in the shower, but who knew?

I stepped out of his house and walked straight to his car while he locked the door. To be honest, I wasn’t really looking forward to this ride, but I never thought it would be this bad. Cutting silence remained amongst us for a total of 17 minutes and 43 seconds. Yeah. That bad. I just wanted it to end, and when the hotel emerged on the horizon I fought not to jump on my seat with excitement.

Brian parked the car in a little street where there was no movement and shut off the engine with a sigh. “This was awful," he voiced my thoughts.

"What now?" I asked.

He leaned back in his seat, running, for the hundredth time in a day, a hand through his hair. “I don’t know."

"Brian, I don’t wanna mess up our friendship. We can forget all about this and pretend I never said that."

"I can’t forget this, Lara, much less pretend it never happened. Not when there are so many feelings involved. It’s not only yours," Brian said, and I don’t know if it were my fears speaking louder or something else, but his tone seemed too harsh to my ears.

Crinkling my brow, I dropped my gaze to my hands, “What does that mean?"

"I don’t know. Like you said, I need some time alone, too."

"But I don’t want this," I whined, forcing myself to meet his intense stare, “Look at us. This is ridiculous!"

"Yes, it is. But I really don’t know how to deal with you, now," Brian said, his brown eyes blurred with confusion. He was so lost. “My best friend just declared her love for me, what am I supposed to do? You trapped me in a corner, Lara," he continued. “You shouldn’t have fallen for me. You should’ve… stayed away."

"Oh, now you don’t want me here?" I spat, my heart swelling with anger and frustration, “Well, I’m sorry if I love you. I’m sorry if I still care about you after all these years. I’m sorry, okay? Believe me, I was the last person to want this, so don’t blame me and tell me what I should or shouldn’t have done. You, too, are guilty," I told him, and just as the words left my mouth, I wish I had bitten them back. Shit.

"I knew it." He shook his head, biting on his bottom lip, “I knew you’d blame me for this."

"No- I didn’t… I mean. Shit." I faced the window, resting my head against it.

"I just wanted to be your friend." He uttered the words carefully, slowly, and they hit me like a brick.

Outch.

"You think I came here to fall in love with you again? Is that what you think?" I queried, struggling not to let my voice stammer, as my eyes, once again, drifted back to his. “I wanted nothing more than for you to forgive me. And I wasn’t even sure if you’d grant me that, because I know I was unfair with you eight years ago. I know what I did, Brian," I said, trying to keep my breathing at ease, but finding it very difficult under the circumstances.

Brian sighed and brought his hands to his face, rubbing it lightly. “I wish you hadn’t come," he breathed out, making my heart break in two. Tears swelled up in my eyes and my throat constricted so tightly I couldn’t breathe. A lump formed as I kept a sob from rippling through my chest, and nothing in that moment could’ve broken my heart any more than Brian’s next words, “You should go."

I looked at him through teary eyes, but he wasn’t even brave enough to meet my gaze. I opened the door to leave, but in a wave of rage, I stopped dead in tracks and turned to him, “What a man you are, Brian. What a fucking man!" I seethed, before getting out and slamming the door behind me with as much force as I could.

Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable.

I didn’t waste time in racing toward the hotel. The faster I left Brian’s sight, the better. My eyes burned with hot tears and I wanted nothing more than to let them out, but not in the lobby of the hotel. Hold on, Lara. Lowering my head down, I ambled to the elevators, hoping that I’d go unnoticed by the familiar faces. But of course I had to crash against someone.

"Oh, Ms. Varzot."

No, no, no!

"Mr. Miller, hey." I tried. I really did, but the smile on my face was as fake as it could get, and the owner of the hotel, an old family friend, knew better than to let that pass.

His face contorted with concern as he rubbed my arm soothingly, “What happened? Are you feeling alright?"

"I’m good, Mr. Miller. It’s n-nothing really," I lied, doing my best to sound more confident than I really felt. I knew that at the slightest chance I’d crumble down, and this conversation was dragging me even closer to the edge. “I just n-need to rest, okay?" I stuttered, swallowing that stupid lump in my throat.

Mr. Miller eyed me, worried, “Come have a cup of tea with me. You’re certainly not fine."

But I don’t like tea. Lacing his arm with mine, I was granted no other choice but to follow the older man into the lounge area. A waitress quickly took Mr. Miller’s order and went to prepare the tea I didn’t even like.

"So, tell me, what’s bothering you?" He asked in his kind, paternal tone.

"You know. Coming back was a little tough for me, and it’s hard sometimes," I said vaguely, hoping he’d buy it, but the way he cocked his head to the side, with compassion dancing in his eyes, was enough for me to understand that I sucked at lying. I sighed, defeated, shaking my head. “I don’t really wanna talk about it."

"Men can be a heavy torch to carry."

What? How…

I looked up at him skeptically, “How did you know?"

Laughing hoarsely, he patted the back of my hand that was resting on my thigh, “I have two daughters, and whenever they got home with that little, sad face I knew their heart had been shattered at some point."

Damn. Dropping my gaze to my lap, I let out a shaky breath.

"That bad?"

How awkward could this be? I chuckled, a little bit embarrassed, and nodded with my head.

"Do I need to kick his ass? Because I’ll do it," Mr. Miller said, his voice serious, “Your father always told me that the day you got home crying would be the day some guy would lose his balls."

I couldn’t help but laugh at that and Mr. Miller joined in, both of us claiming the attention of the eventual people that would walk by. But then it dawned on me. My dad. He never liked Brian much and I had lost count of the days I had to sneak out through my window to meet with Brian at night. My heart tightened at the thought. The words Brian and dad in the same sentence weren’t a good combination for me at the moment.

Gathering all the strength that I had, I regained my composure. “Thank you," I told Mr. Miller, “but I don’t think that’s necessary. I’ll be fine, really," I said, offering a small smile. There was nothing he could do to help me, so why digging further?

The young lady came with the tea after a few minutes, and Mr. Miller and I talked for a little bit longer. But I couldn’t handle it anymore. My bottled up feelings were pushing me too much and I feared I wouldn’t be able to hold on enough time to reach my bedroom. When I finally thought of an excuse to leave, Mr. Miller took me back to the lobby.

He seemed unsure, battling with himself whether he should let me go or not. “Are you sure?" He ended up asking.

"Yes. Nothing that a good hour of sleep won’t solve." Yeah, right. I wish it was that simple.

"Okay. If I can help you with anything, please, don’t hesitate to ask," he said, once again sending me that warm smile of his.

I bit down on my lip, “Actually, there is something…"

---

Surrounded by blueberry pancakes, I drowned myself in sorrow and sadness. The events of the morning had started to gnaw at me, eating me inside, and I couldn’t contain my tears anymore. I didn’t want to lose Brian. I didn’t mean to screw this up when I told him that I was falling in love with him. It was something that I needed to get off of my chest, but I never thought it would turn out this way.

And he was so mean, so heartless. How could he say that? Did I mean nothing to him? Were I just a piece of his past? I didn’t understand and I didn’t want to believe that what he said was true. It couldn’t be. I travelled the entire country to see him again. He was the reason I came back, so how did he dare to say such awful thing to me?

Breaking me from my soberly mess, my phone started ringing. I grabbed it from my lap and attached the device to my ear after picking up the call, “Jane…" I cried, more tears spilling from my burning eyes. I had texted my best friend as soon as I reached the room, telling her to call me when she was available.

“Oh my god, what happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt?" She blurted out, panicking when she heard my voice cracking.

I wiped the tears with the back of my hand, a sob working its way up my throat, “I h-hurt everywhere."

“What? Did you have an accident? Where are you?!" She asked.

Accident? Oh.

"No, no! I’m hurt emotionally. I’m fine, Jane. Shit. I’m fine," I clarified, and she sighed in relief, cursing at me for worrying her sick. “I’m sorry," I mumbled, still teary eyed.

“Okay, okay, forget about it. Just tell me what happened. Why are you crying, honey?" Her voice was soft as she talked to me and it made me want to cry even harder.

"It’s B-Brian," I replied and just the mention of his name had my heart wincing within my chest. “I hate him," I whispered, my lower lip trembling with emotion.

“Come on, I don’t like to hear you talking like that. What did he do?" She prodded, honest concern dripping from his words.

"I told him I was falling in love," I said in a low voice. It was the first time I admitted to Jane my feelings for Brian. Her breath hitched on her throat, and I could perfectly picture her with wide eyes and a hand on her mouth, as she bathed in the shocking news. “I c-can’t ignore this anymore," I continued after a moment, “He’s been so… sweet and funny and idiot and asshole in his own cute way, and that bastard got me good."

“Holy shit, Lara!" Jane laughed, “But this is a good thing!"

"Yeah, if the feelings were mutual," I muttered, sniffling, “He was such a douche to me. So cold."

“Oh. What did he say?"

"That he wished I wouldn’t have come," I told her as a new wave of tears pricked at the back of my eyes. “Why would he say that? I didn’t do this to cause any more trouble. I d-didn’t want to love him, Jane," I sobbed, “Why d-did he have to hurt me so bad?"

“Oh, sweetie. I’m sure he didn’t mean it," she cooed, “He was probably just distraught and confused."

I shook my head, feelings the tears tickling my cheeks as they roll down my face, “He could’ve said that instead of being an asshole," I said weakly.

“Yeah, he was a little bit rude. No excuses there. But he doesn’t deserve your tears," Jane said, “It’s not your fault that you surrendered to his charm, now is it?"

My lips curved into a small grin at that, a heart wrenching chuckle pushing inevitably past my lips, “His charm… You have no idea how right you are."

“Aw, baby. Maybe he realizes he was a scumbag and makes up to you."

I knew she was trying to cheer me up and make me see the bright side of the situation, but my feelings were too clouded with hurt and anger for me to see any good in this. “I don’t know, Jane. I just… I shouldn’t have said anything."

“Would you rather live with the doubt of not knowing how he feels about you?"She queried, as always making a good point.

But did I even know how he felt? He said nothing precisely. He just rambled about our friendship and about the difficulties we were going to face. Fucking Christ.

"Jane… I have no fucking clue about his feelings for me. I’m even more confused now," I told her with a desperate sigh. I was in such deep shit. “I mean… at first he was really scared and thought I was going to run back to New York, and then he told me I shouldn’t have come. What the hell! Who says that to a supposed best friend? After all, it seems that I’m not so important to him. This whole time has been a façade."

“You know that’s not true. He’s completely out of himself. He doesn’t know what to do now. Give him time, hon, and he’ll come around," Jane said, and I groaned.

"How can I still love him?" I was ignoring whatever Jane was saying, I was well aware of that, but I needed to talk and pour out my frustrations before I went crazy. “After eight years, I still love him. How is that possible? I thought I had moved on."

“Lara, your story is special. When you guys drifted apart you didn’t exactly broke up. You didn’t put an end to things, so it’s normal that, now, that small detail is getting itself between you and him," She said matter-of-factly.

I pouted, playing with the pancake on the plate, “I wanted him to feel the same way than me. I missed him these eight years. He’s so… good. He makes me happy," I said softly, my heart bleeding yet again, screaming at me for letting it get hurt.

Jane sighed on the other end, “Please, don’t be sad. I feel helpless here. I wish I could hug the hell out of you and watch funny videos with you to make you smile. We could do the Skype thing again," she suggested, hopeful, and I let a languid grin creep up to my lips.

"Not today, girl. I just wanna curl up in my bed with my pancakes and sleep this over."

“Are you eating pancakes?" Jane asked, chuckling.

"Perks of knowing the owner of the hotel. I asked him this favor and the next thing I know there are piles of pancakes everywhere." I allowed myself to chortle a little, and taking a look around the room, I shook my head. What the fuck, Lara?

“Well, honey, I gotta go, okay? I’ll call you later to see how you’re doing," Jane said resentfully, and I pulled my bottom lip out.

"Aw. I miss you, J."

“Believe me. I miss you, too," She sighed. There was a pause, silence falling between us, and I knew we were both thinking the same thing.

"I can’t come back now, Jane."

“Of course not. I know that. I just. Ugh. I hate to see you like that. If Brian doesn’t open his eyes, I’ll fly myself over there and I’ll smack him across the head," she said and I knew she meant it. She wouldn’t hesitate if the situation called for it and that’s why she was my best friend. We had each other’s back.

"I’ll be fine," I promised, “And thank you."

“Oh, shut it."

After saying our goodbyes, I hung up the call and fell on my side on the bed. I hated this day already, and not knowing how the following ones were going to be made my stomach roil uneasily.

A torturous and long day. That’s how I’d describe it today. That pain in my chest was tearing me apart and I didn’t know how I still had tears to shed. I felt broken, and weak, and so, so lonely. I must have fallen asleep after lunch time because when I woke up again, under the sound of my phone ringing loudly in my room, the light peeking through the cracks of the blinds had dimmed substantially.

I rubbed my eyes and rolled onto my back, looking around for any sign of my phone. It had stopped ringing. I spotted it lying carelessly on top of my purse, and with a grunt I made my way over there. "I’ll stab whoever pulled me out of my sleep." I mumbled to no one as I stomped toward my phone. But it took all I had not to throw the device against the nearest wall when I saw who had bothered me.

Four text messages from Asshole <3 .

Two missed calls from Asshole <3

"You stupid idiot. Now you wanna talk? Well, fuck you!" I shouted to the screen, before tossing the phone onto the bed without reading any of the messages. However, he insisted. He called again and again, and I was really beginning to lose my mind, so I grabbed my phone and sent him a text.

‘Stop. Fucking. Calling.’

It wasn’t long until Brian texted back, ‘Please, pick up. I’m sorry :( ’

I rolled my eyes, annoyed, and didn’t answer to that. The name Asshole <3 flashed on my screen again as Brian tried to call me and I scoffed. “Asshole with a heart? What were you thinking, Lara?" I ignored the call and scrolled through my contacts to change the name to Really ASSHOLE :< . Now that was more accurate.

But when I thought he’d given up, my phone went off again. Argh! This time, I accepted the call, and before I had time to say anything, Brian intervened, “Don’t shout, don’t shout, don’t shout!" He said in a hurry, “Please, let me talk." He sounded tired and somewhat relieved. When I stayed in silence, Brian went on,“I’m sorry, Lara."

"Yeah, Brian, because that changes a lot." I replied dryly.

“I know, I know-"

"No!" I cut him off, “You don’t know shit! Are you serious? You can’t just fucking call me and tell me you’re sorry! That’s not how this shit works!" I said, pacing back and forth.

“Calm down-"

"No, no! I won’t calm down! You have no fucking idea how I feel right now; how I’ve been fucking feeling all day after what you said. You just… You don’t have the right to fucking hurt me that bad, okay?" My voice wavered slightly, “No fucking right."

And that was it. I broke down into tears, stepping back until the back of my knees hit the bed. I sat down on the edge and slid down until I was on the floor. I cried on the phone for God only knows how long, not fighting against the sobs that assaulted me every now and then, and Brian stayed with me the entire time. He didn’t say anything, though, but I knew he was there. His breathing was all I could hear.

After a few minutes, I slowly wiped the tears from my face, using the sleeves of my sweater. I sniffled softly, my body still jolting a little as the sobs started to subside. Hugging my knees to my chest, I closed my eyes.

“Are you feeling calmer now?" Brian asked gently, probably afraid I’d snap again.

"Yes."

Brian let out a sigh and I knew he was trying to find the right words to say, but there were no right words for this. “Lara…" The way my name rolled out of his tongue made my heart soften a little. “I… I was the biggest asshole ever, I know that, but I just- I didn’t know what I was saying," he told me, his voice rueful, wacked, and it hit my heart forcefully. I wanted so bad to be mad at him, and angry, and pissed off, but when I heard him so regretful and so broken I just couldn’t act like the bitch he deserved me to be.

I put a hand over my eyes, “Why? Why don’t you want me here?"

“No, forget what I said. Of course I want you here. I’m so glad you came back. I’m more than glad, you know that."

"Do I?" I questioned, making him sigh. “Brian, I know this is crazy. Me telling you that I’m falling for you… but this was not what I wanted. This was not my choice."

“I know, but you’re my friend. We’re friends. We can’t- we’re not supposed to have this type of feelings,” he stressed, and his attempt to explain whatever this was left me even more confused.

Did he say we ? Does that mean he has feelings for me as well?

“I really feel like shit, Lara. Please, forgive me?" He asked softly, and my tears threatened to come back, filling the back of my eyes.

Pulling in a deep breath, I rested my forehead on my knees. “You hurt me really bad, Brian." I whispered.

“I’ve been punching myself all day for that," he admitted, a hint of a smile in his voice. There was a moment of silence, none of us saying anything; a moment where the sounds of our breaths mixed together in our ears. It was quite soothing.“Forgive me, please. Give me a chance. I really didn’t mean that," Brian tried again, “I’ll even let you kick my balls when you see me again."

I grinned a bit, “Hard?"

“Well, as long as you don’t ruin my fertility. I want kids, yeah?" He joked, my grin widening at his silliness. “Please, shorty. Don’t be mad at me anymore."

"Ugh. You kinda make it difficult for me to deny you that," I said in all honesty.

“Sorry about that," he mumbled quietly, “I might have to start thinking first before speaking to you."

"What? No." I groaned inwardly, “See? I don’t want you to act differently with me. Can’t we just go back to what we were before? I can handle myself, Brian. I can handle my own feelings, but I can’t lose you as a best friend."

“I get that, but I can’t be impartial, shorty," he told me, and by using my nickname, again, I knew he was still testing waters, “It’s you who we’re talking about and not some random chick I met at a bar.”

Rolling my eyes, I scoffed, “You didn’t seem to care back in the car.”

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, “Lara you’ve got to understand that you’re my best friend and when you said you were falling for me I freaked the shit out. I just thought that maybe if I was mean to you, you could-”

“I could what?” I cut him off, “Stop loving you?”

“Something like that,” he told me shyly, and I almost laughed at that. Almost.

“Are you serious? Oh my god. You’re the silliest fucker I know!” I said, shaking my head. “Of course I wouldn’t stop loving you. What you said only hurt me and made me very angry.” I stood up from the floor; my butt was already numb from sitting on the hard wooden floor for such a long time. “I still fucking love you, you idiot. Both like a friend and- well, you know.” My cheeks flushed a little at that confession, even though Brian wasn’t there with me and couldn’t see me. But this subject was still sensitive. Admitting that I actually loved that asshole was strange.

“So you forgive me?” He queried, his voice so full of hope. Sighing, I plopped down on the bed. I could never say no to him. It was so unfair.

“Maybe.” I decided to answer. That way he would still mull a little bit over what he’d done to me.

“I’ll buy you as much donuts as you want. I’ll cook you pancakes. I don’t know. I’ll do anything, just ease this aching in my chest and forgive me.”

“Oh my god, that was so fucking lame and so cheesy,” I chuckled despite myself. I just couldn’t contain it. It was so bad. Brian laughed, too, after a while and apologized for his awful attempt to be cute. “I’ll give you another chance, okay?” I told him more seriously, “But the only thing I want from you is normalcy. Don’t fucking look at me with pity or some shit like that. Look at me like you always did.” And that was a demand. I had enough of awkward moments with him, and all I wanted now was for us to be silly with each other again and act like the two idiots we were.

“I just don’t wanna hurt you, it’s all."

I fought the will to roll my eyes again, “You won’t. If you don’t be an idiot, I mean," I added, which made Brian sigh.

Yeah. Swallow that, asshole. I’m still spiky.

“I kinda saw that coming. But I’m serious. Even if we forget all about your deep feelings for me,” - Deep feelings. Cocky much? – “I’ll always have that fucking annoying voice at the back of my head telling me that you can get hurt," he said and I knew it was true. But we could at least try, right? I couldn’t bare the possibility of losing him.

"Let’s give it a shot, please," I begged.

“I’m really worried, Lara. If you break down I won’t know what to do or what to say."

"Brian, you really have to stop comforting me and being all protective over me," I said, laying my back on the bed with a sigh.

“Why is that?" He asked, sounding a little hesitant and confused.

I swallowed and rolled to my side, tightening the grip on my phone, “Because I don’t need any more reasons to fall in love with you," I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut as I waited for his reaction. But all I got was silence; agonizing silence. Oopss. “Are you breathing?”

“Yeah,” Brian gasped, “Uh. Wow. I’m just- I…”

“I’m sorry. I guess that was too much for you,” I mumbled sadly. It was obvious that this whole thing had knocked him down. Big time. He said nothing for a moment and I wish I could die. Why would I scare him off like that? Learn to shut your mouth, Lara! “Brian?”

“Lara, there’s no way we can do this,” The sigh that fell from his lips was desperate, “You have to give me a few days to think through this.”

As much as it was hard for me to admit it, I knew he was right. Maybe it would be the best for us. Brian needed time to think about the recent events, and as for me, I had to tame my emotions and my heart so I could be around him without any problem, without blurting out stupid things like the one I’d just said. This was going to be harder than I’d first thought, yes, but in the end it’d be worth it. “I know.” My voice barely reached an audible tone. I curled my legs and grabbed my pillow, snuggling into it, “I’m gonna miss your ugly ass, though.”

A brittle laugh left his lips, “We’ll be fine,” he said briefly, and I could hear the depth of his promise, but in my heart there were so many fears, so many ‘what ifs’.“We can still talk every once in a while, okay? But give me space to get my head straight.”

Did I mention how tight my heart was? Gulping hard, I nodded, “Okay.”

“Don’t do crazy shit without me, yeah? Hang on for a few days,” he chuckled, stealing a small smile from me.

“I’ll do my best.”

---

One day without him was fine. I met with Zacky and Audrey at their place, and I really had a great time. Audrey and I were becoming closer to each other every day. I ended up by telling her everything about Brian, about my feelings, and about our sort of agreement. At first, she was thrilled to know that I was falling for Brian, but upon seeing the pain in my eyes, she was quick to comfort me and assure me that everything would be okay soon. She knew this was going to kill me to the bones, yet she supported me and stayed optimistic, which was all I asked.

Two days – still okay. I decided to hang out with Jimmy, meeting with him at the store after his class. What I wasn’t expecting was to see Brian there, too. It seemed that our purpose was the same – to see Jimmy. My heart leapt when Brian and I locked eyes, but I didn’t know if I should be happy or sad. I smiled nonetheless and talked to him for a while, however, our encounter couldn’t have been more awkward than that. Jimmy caught up with the mood surrounding us, and when we were both finally alone and away from curious eyes, he asked me about it. I wasn’t able to hide anything from him, having collapsed in his arms crying.

Three days and my heart started complaining - Where’s Brian? Why can’t I see him? Why are you putting a chain around me? Hey, give me Brian back! - I ignored it. I ignored every single thing that would make me sad, that would make me regret the choice of staying away from him for a while. And I succeeded for the most part. I took the day to walk around the city because it was actually a sunny day, which was not so common in the middle of October. But there were always those moments when I’d pull my phone out of my purse and prepared to text Brian. Every time I did that, I’d stop dead in tracks and curse myself for the slip.Control your horses, bitch.

But it was on the fourth day that things really started to get hard on me. Audrey talked to me on the phone when I texted her a sad face, and she tried to distract me. She told me about her ideas for her Wedding and while we discussed the place I began feeling better. However, when the night fell, there was nothing that could prevent my head from thinking nonstop. Doubts would fill my mind in a mere second, leaving me all bothered and panicking. What if Brian forgot about me? What if he gave up on our friendship?

From the fifth day on, I lost it. I couldn’t take it anymore. Not talking to Brian was driving me fucking crazy. The fact that I didn’t know anything about him, except for the rare occasions when Jimmy or Zacky would tell me a few things, was turning my insecurities much worse. I missed him, and these days without him, instead of making my love for Brian decrease, were having the opposite effect. I was falling even harder. Or was this just a roller coaster of fucked up feelings?

Brian sent me a short text precisely one week after our mutual decision, which had definitely lightened up my day, ‘How’re you holding up? Still surviving without my beautiful self? ;)’

I knew he was trying not to make a big deal out of the situation, but this was a big fucking deal for me. I smiled while reading the message, though, and felt my heart calming a little. ‘Beautiful self? Who’s that, really? :p,’ I’d replied.

‘Ah ah. Always so funny. I miss you :(’

Awn. Now, how was I supposed to keep my tears from being sneaky little bastards?

‘Me too. Let’s stop this bullshit. Please?’

‘Meet me later at the store :)’

Oh my god. Fucking finally. I almost jumped out of the bed to get ready, the energy flooding back into my veins, and for the first time in a few days, I smiled.

I was a nervous wreck as I made my way into the store a couple of hours later, my heart pounding strongly against my ribcage and pumping the blood rapidly within my body. I felt alive, happy. “What’s up, motherfucker?” I beamed at Jimmy as I ran toward him and gave him a big hug. He laughed whole heartily, his arms holding me against him tightly.

“What’s gotten into you?” He asked, pulling back to look at me, his blue eyes boring into mine, searching for an answer.

I shrugged my shoulders innocently. I couldn’t swipe the smile from off my face even if I tried. I knew that my conversation with Brian could still be a little uptight, but he seemed normal when he’d texted me before.

“Brian told me you guys were gonna try and solve things out. Is that the reason you can’t stop smiling?” He chuckled, walking around the counter to stand in front of me.

I nodded, excited, “I don’t care what he tells me. I miss him and I want to hug him and forget about this past week. I can’t fucking live without that asshole, so he better have good news for me or I’ll hurt him bad.” I said earnestly.

“Oh, really?” I turned my head to the side and Brian was descending the stairs, a smirk playing on his lips. “Come on,” He opened his arms, inviting, and moved in my direction, “I know you want it.”

I giggled and ran into him, his arms engulfing me in a strong embrace. God, how I’d missed him. Resting his chin on top of my head, he rocked us both from side to side, and I fell into the temptation of closing my eyes.

"Remind me why we did this," I sighed, too comfortable and warm to move.

Brian rubbed my back in a large circle, before giving me a squeeze and looking down at me, “I don’t know but let’s not do it again."

I shook my head, “Ever."

His hands travelled up my arms to cup my face, and in that moment my heart skipped a bit. I really believed he was going to kiss me, but when he smiled and leant forward, his lips only pressed against my forehead. Chuckling at my own thoughts, I clutched his shirt and buried my face into his chest.

"What?" He asked, cocking his head to try to look at me.

"Nothing."

He gripped my upper arms and backed me away from him a little, “That was not nothing."

I glanced up at him timidly, “I thought you were going to kiss me," I said, and much to my surprise, he started laughing. “It’s not funny." I slapped his shoulder.

"I’m sorry," he raised his hands in defense, “But did you, really?" He asked, his brown eyes shining with amusement.

"Yes. You were staring at me all smiley."

Brian grazed his knuckles down my cheek sweetly, still grinning slightly, “I’m sorry. Let’s have some coffee, yeah?"

"You know I don’t refuse coffee, especially when you’re paying."

He laughed, “Of course." Grabbing my hand, Brian led us out of the store, winking at Jimmy on the way out. “Later, man.”

Our hands stayed locked to each other all the way to the nearest Starbucks, and even though I wasn’t complaining, I still felt the need to ask, “Care to explain?” I lifted our united hands up and he peeked down at them, his lips curling into a smirk.

“I don’t want to lose you in the crowd.”

I looked up at him with a blunt face, “Are you serious?”

“No,” he chuckled, “it was just an excuse.” I retrieved my hand from his grasp and he raised an eyebrow at me, seeming hurt. “What was that for?”

“First we talk, then we’ll see.”

He sighed, “Fine.”

When we were both served with our drinks, we found a nice table for four people by the window and sat down, facing one another. The seats were quilted and soft, distracting me for a moment of our true reason to be there. Looking up at Brian, my anxiety started building up. This was it.

“I want to talk to you about Rachel,” Brian began, his cup of coffee cradled between his hands. I blinked a few times, not really getting his point. “It’s important.”

“Okay,” I breathed out before taking a big sip of my coffee.

Brian lowered his gaze to the table as he breathed in deeply. I waited as patiently as I could, trying not to panic too much.

“Rachel and I… we… we functioned well together. We were a good couple.”

He can’t be serious. I kept my face straight and clear from any emotion I was feeling, though, allowing him to continue.

“I was with her for two years. The first one was really, really nice and enjoyable. We got to know each other, we had a lot of fun, we’d go out… it was almost perfect, and I thought I was happy, I really did. But when we had our first anniversary, I decided to ask her if she wanted to move in with me, because it felt right to me; it felt the right thing to do at the time,” he explained, and I could see he was a bit nervous. I, too, was nervous. I didn’t even know if I was breathing. However, I did my best to keep listening to him and his story without looking too eager to understand where this was heading.

“So she accepted,” Brian said, finally meeting my green eyes, “and I helped her out with her stuff, and we were kinda thrilled to take this step. It was… strange at the beginning to be honest. Having a girl around permanently was very different from what I’d first thought. But we were able to make it work,” Brian smiled, bringing his cup up to his lips. I eyed him carefully while he did so, searching for some sort of emotion in his features, but I couldn’t make anything out.

Ugh. Just get to the point!

“You okay?” Brian asked softly, and I could only nod. He stared at me for another moment and then took a deep breath, setting the cup on the table. “She was good to me, Lara.”

“Yeah, I already got that,” I told him, the tone of my voice coming out more bitter than I wanted. Brian’s eye molded with pain at my words and I was forced to stretch my arm to reach his hand, “I’m sorry. Please, go on.” I gave him a reassuring squeeze and he nodded.

“She started talking about marriage and kids at some point,” he said, running his hand through his hair, “and it was right then, that my mind drifted to the Past, and to the Future, and to my life in general.” Brian then crossed his arms over the table, leaning forward, “I loved her a lot, you know, but I didn’t know if it was enough. I spent these eight years of my life waiting to find someone like you,” Brian told me, looking straight into my eyes, “someone who’d steal my heart and make me fucking go down on my knees for them. But I never did, I never found that someone.

“It was never enough. Rachel wasn’t enough and I didn’t want to marry her and then one or two years later I was signing the divorce papers. She didn’t deserve to go through shit like that,” Brian went on, not once his voice faltering, “So I told her everything. About you. About what I wanted, and she was so fucking understanding, so sweet, and when we broke up I felt like a dumbass. I’m not getting younger and I could’ve lost my opportunity of life by giving up on her, by letting her go. I spent months kicking my ass for that, struggling with my head to try to figure out whether I’d made a good decision or not… But when you showed up, Lara,” he sighed, smiling his beautiful smile, his brown orbs glistening with a feeling I couldn’t place, “when you showed up it was like.. Fuck. That’s why I didn’t marry Rachel!

“My intuition was right. You were back and my first thought was that we could be together again and continue what we was left unfinished, you know? But the more I thought about it the more scared I got. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t have assurance that you’d stay in Cali forever. And when you confirmed me that, I changed my mind. I was like- ‘No, we’re gonna be friends, best friends perhaps, but that’s it. I don’t want more.’ And it’s been like that since that night after the movie with the sharks; after I flipped out, remember?” He queried.

“Yeah.” I dropped my gaze to the table.

“But one week ago, when you said you were falling for me, you destroyed the fucking wall around me, you let all of my barriers crash like glass. I felt unprotected and vulnerable, and believe me that it took every fiber, every bone of my body not to have my way with you back then.”

Oh, boy. Why can’t I breathe?

“Your words acted like a magnet to me, and I wanted to kiss you so bad… But I couldn’t. It wasn’t safe. It’s still not safe for me, Lara. I’m scared you’re gonna disappear again and run from me. And I can’t take it. Not again,” he whispered.

I shook my head, “I’m not running.”

“Your life is New York,” he stated, “And I’m not sure of anything. I’m not sure about my feelings yet. But," he took both of my hands in his, “I think… I’m falling for you, too."

What? Holy mother of fucking God!

“I can’t deny it any longer. Our attraction is too strong, but what if it’s just that? What if it’s just physical attraction?” He asked, disappointment swirling in his orbs.

“It’s not,” I gasped, “you know it’s not, Brian. It’s so much deeper than that. This week proved it. Not being with you was worse than not having water. You’re my best friend after all and I need my daily dose of Brian and Lara moments.”

“We’re best friends. Exactly,” Brian noted, “We care about each other as such. But this connection between us, this constant tension is fucking killing me and blinding me from the rational thoughts.”

“So what do you wanna do? Wait more?” I chuckled dryly, “It’ll only make things even harder. We’re gonna get crazy, Brian.”

He swallowed hard, before standing up and walking around the table to sit beside me. “I have an idea,” he said, and by the tone of his voice I knew it was something I was going to bitch about.

“I’m listening,” I said, nevertheless.

“I wanna kiss you- wait!” he rushed when my mouth opened to protest. “Wait,” he repeated gently, “It’s only to break this curiosity, this sexual aura around us.”

I shook my head and slid back on the long seat to get away from him, “No, no, that’s not gonna work. You know I’m gonna fall head over heels with you if we kiss. No!

“You’re not," he chuckled, “please trust me. Just an innocent little kiss. No tongues.”

Oh my god. Did he just say that?

“Fucking Christ, Brian. It’s a bad idea,” I insisted, but he scooted closer to me.

“Lara, trust me.”

“No, Brian! I know how I am. I’m gonna get even more attached to you,” I told him firmly, and he sighed.

"Please, trust me.”

I closed my eyes, leaning my head on the window, “Brian…”

He tugged onto my arm, “Look at me,” he demanded tenderly. I straightened up on the seat and turned completely so I was facing him. He smiled, his fingers tracing the palm of my hand lightly, “I want us to be 110% sure about our feelings for each other. We’re not gonna take any risks. I want to be at home, alone, and going crazy because you’re not there with me; I want you to be in my dreams; I want to feel like fucking dying when I see you because you’re so beautiful; I want my heart to jump out of my chest when you touch me,” he finished, and I swear I was about to faint. “But I’m not there yet, because I can’t see past this sexual frustration I’m wrestling against. That’s why I wanna kiss you and take that out of the way.”

I thought about it for a minute, taking in every single word he said, taking in his deep, brown eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. “No. No. No way.”

“Shorty, please…" he cupped my face with his hand , caressing my cheek with his thumb, “it’s just a kiss."

“It’s not just a kiss for me.” His thumb traced my bottom lip as his gaze flitted between my lips and my scared, green eyes. “Brian.” I whimpered when he didn’t stop, my hand desperately circling around his wrist as my heart started beating erratically in my chest. He leaned in, shortening the gap between us, and his lips had barely brushed against mine when someone cleared their throat.

Fuck! Fuck! And fucking fuck!

“I’m sorry.” It was the waiter.

Brian pulled away faster than I thought possible, leaving me panting, feeling completely out of breath. I felt dizzy, my body shaking as my heart recovered its normal pace. I couldn’t hear anything that Brian was saying to the waiter that decided to interrupt us, I couldn’t think about anything but the light touch of his lips on mine. It was nothing, yet it was everything.

By the time we were alone again, I pushed Brian on his chest, wanting to be angry at him, “You idiot. Don’t fucking do that again.”

He just grinned at me, “I didn’t do anything.”

“You sure did! I felt it. We kissed!”

“No, we did not," he countered, chuckling. I groaned and almost crawled on top of him to get out of there, but he grabbed my arm, “Where are you going?” He didn’t hide the amusement in his voice.

“I need to fucking breathe and with you here it’s impossible!” I said, “And don’t try that kiss thing again. Moron.” I muttered, but deep inside I felt like my world had been turned upside down in the most wonderful way.

He reached for my hand again, as he stood up on his feet, smiling brightly, “Just know one thing,” He pulled me closer to him, his iris focused entirely on me, “I’m gonna make you fall even harder for me,” he whispered, giving my temple a soft kiss.

Oh. God.

Notes

Here's another chapter! things are getting interesting now, uh? :D
hope you liked the chapter! Comments are always welcomed!
Thanks for reading guys ;)