Memories Remain
Chapter Nineteen
Brian’s POV
With Lara working at the store now nearly full time, I almost forgot how it felt like to be sitting behind a counter the entire morning. People didn’t look for music stores as often as they did a few years back. We were lucky we had the classes to bring money into our Company (Avenged Sevenfold) otherwise we’d be screwed.
It was cliché to name our Company the same as our band, yet it felt right at the time. And now we had a chance to play again live, the five of us, like old times, and it scared me shitless, not because I was insecure about my skills, but because I was afraid to love it too much. I shook those thoughts to the back of my head as I heard someone stepping into the store.
I looked up just as Johnny slapped the counter in front of me. I flipped him off straight away and he laughed shortly, before leaning forward on his elbows. “What’s up, prick?”
“Nothing much,” I replied with a careless shrug of my shoulders. “Have you heard from Fuck Cancer Foundation yet? They were supposed to give us more information about the event and they still hadn’t said anything.”
“I don’t know, man, you’ll have to talk to Matt about it. He’s the one taking care of it,” Johnny explained, and I lowered my head to my lap as I nodded, a small sigh falling from my lips. “You okay about it?” he asked after a moment of silence, sensing the mood drop.
I mulled over his question for a bit, but I wasn’t sure if I had a solid answer to give him. I wanted to believe that I was ready to play again, and part of me was eager to grab a guitar and show everyone how good we were, although there was always thatbut. “We’ll see.” I stood up from the chair. It was too much silence in the store and it was driving me nuts.
Johnny followed me to the back room where I was going to put some music playing and leaned his side against the doorframe, waiting. I scrolled through the Ipod we’d bought the previous week, not really sure of what I was searching for, but knowing I’d eventually find something. “You know, if you don’t want to do this thing, you just have to say the word,” Johnny stated.
I paused for a second. “What thing?”
He pushed himself off the doorway and came inside to stand next to me. “Don’t play dumb with me, Brian. I know better.”
I rolled my eyes at him, but didn’t pursue conversation. The Ipod in my hand seemed much more interesting than the topic we were discussing. I finally found Duran Duran and hit play with a smile, only to frown when Johnny shut the stereo down and stole the silver device from my hand. “What the hell, dude,” I sighed, frustrated, though not finding in me the strength to be mad.
“If this is going to be your attitude throughout the rehearsals and the event, we better quit right now. I’m not gonna put up with your bad mood, you hear me? And I’m sure Matt won’t either. You know how bitchy he gets when things don’t go as he plans.”
He had a good point there, but it didn’t make any easier for me to accept the situation. “I promise I’ll try.”
“That’s not enough. Come on, man,” Johnny dragged, “I know it’s a sensitive nerve we’re hitting, because of what happened years ago, but things are starting to look up for you. You’ve got Lara and this opportunity is awesome and we’re helping people. Just think about the positive side. Please?”
I waved my hand in dismissal and switched on the stereo again. “I said I’ll try.”
Johnny gave an annoyed growl and we both returned to the front. “I can’t believe you still listen to this band, though.”
“Shut up, Short Shit,” I smirked.
I grabbed my phone from the counter to see if I had any missed calls from Lara. Nothing. She was still sound asleep when I’d left in the morning, probably due to the three rounds of kinky business last night. Damn, it was great. I locked the screen and placed my old device back where it was, before I turned to the little man I called friend. “Matt’s lesson is in a few as well, isn’t it?”
Just as I uttered those words, the front door of the store opened with a shriek, making me flinch slightly at the sound. Maybe we should oil the edges. Matt walked over with a suspicious smile and fist bumped us when in reach. “What’s that face?” Johnny asked, noticing the same as me. “Got any news?”
“Oh yeah, you fuckers. You can start tuning your instruments because Avenged Sevenfold is officially coming back!” he cheered, and Johnny gave a victory sound as he punched Matt in the shoulder. I tried to feel the minimal pinch of excitement but all I could manage was a fake grin. This was going to be harder than I thought.
It was a little past one o’clock when Matt and Johnny descended the stairs from the respective class rooms. Their students had come down a few minutes ago and I was growing a little impatient as the hunger I felt worsened. As they stepped closer, I shut off the session in the laptop and pulled the lid down.
“Ready to go eat? I’m freaking starving,” Matt chuckled, rubbing his large hand over his stomach. I furiously nodded with my head and rounded the counter to follow them out the store. That’s when I noticed Luna walking side by side with Johnny, and a small smile touched my lips. It seemed that things were working just fine between them. However, Matt’s voice pulled me from my thoughts as he asked, “Where’s Lara?”
I couldn’t help but smirk at the mention of her. “Let’s just say we had a busy night.”
Matt gave me a knowing look and I bent down a little to lock the store as we exited. “At least one of us is getting some.” Once the place was safe to any intruders, we resumed our way toward the usual diner across the street. Johnny and Luna were way ahead of us already, but they seemed oblivion to it as they held hands and laughed with each other.
My eyebrows deepened in the middle of my forehead, though, as Matt’s words replayed in my head. “What’s up, man? Having troubles in paradise?” I queried in what soon became a failed attempt to light up the mood.
He shook his head, lips twisting to the side in a sad smile. I patted his shoulder sympathetically, not really finding anything better to do or say. “We’re just fighting a lot lately,” Matt confessed, “and that’s pretty much it. I have no idea why it’s been happening, nor how it all began, but shit is not good.”
“Have you guys tried to talk about it? Maybe there’s something not working as it should; maybe Katherine is not okay, I don’t know.”
What sounded a desperate sigh left Matt’s lips as he crossed his hand over his chest and scratched his shoulder in a nervous manner. It was easy to tell this conversation was making him uncomfortable and unsettled. “I tried, dude. She’s just not responding.”
“If you really want to sort things out with her you’ll have to try even harder.”
“Gee, thanks,” Matt muttered, and I raised my hands defensively, smiling lightly. We finally reached the diner and made ourselves in, searching for the happy couple.
“I’m just saying, man,” I picked on the conversation, looking around the place for Johnny or Luna. “Girls are tricky.”
Matt sighed. “Tell me about it.” Johnny finally waved at us from two tables ahead upon realizing we couldn’t find him and we walked over to him, sitting on the two free seats at the table. Matt grabbed the menu laying on top and nudged me on the side, smirking slightly. “If Lara heard you say that, though…”
Chuckling, I shrugged my shoulders. “I know how to deal with her.”
“More busy nights, uh?” I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively, not fighting the smirk pulling at the corners of my mouth. “Fucking rabbits,” Matt chuckled and I saw him shake his head before I drew my attention to the phone in my hand.
I still hadn’t heard any news from Lara and it was a bit odd. Yet, on second thought, maybe she was just really tired. I would’ve slept much more if it weren’t for the store. Deciding to drop the subject for the moment, I turned to Matt’s side, peeking into his menu to choose what I wanted to eat.
***
I was eager to get home after my class in the afternoon. It wasn’t too late when I parked my car in front of my house and clambered out, kicking the door shut, but the sun had already begun to set which made me squint my eyes a little to block the intrusion of light.
With keys rattling in my hand, I took a quick run up to the front door. The thought of a possible cake coming out of the oven popped in my head in a sudden and my stomach roiled inevitably. Lara was always baking when she’d take over my kitchen and it was the best thing ever. I never turned down her cakes.
Stepping in, I was greeted by silence and took a deep breath. I didn’t smell the familiar scent of fresh baked cake and it was enough to make me pout. I decided to peek into the kitchen, anyway, but the disappointment remained. No cake and no Lara.
“Babe, I’m home!” I announced out loud, only to be ignored. My brow creased. She hadn’t said anything the whole day and now there were no signs of her anywhere. “Babe?” I tried again.
I dropped the keys and my phone onto the center table in my living room, also empty, and walked toward my bedroom where the chance of finding Lara was higher. I gently pushed the already opened door a little wider and glanced inside. The covers of the bed were pulled back and tangled all over and Lara’s clothes were scattered around the room where I’d tossed them last night.
She was here then.
Even more confused, I went to check the only place left in my house where Lara could possibly be – the bathroom. I left the division I was in and turned to the first door on my left, knocking twice with my knuckles and leaning my ear against the wooden material. “Are you here, Lara?”
When no one answered, I twisted the knob with my hand and allowed myself in, freezing in place once I laid my eyes on the sitting body on the floor against the bath tub. At first, I didn’t really get what was happening, but as I heard the indistinguishable sound of crying my heart skipped a few beats.
“Baby…” The pet name came out in a whisper as I rushed to Lara and squatted down beside her. “Hey, what happened?” I asked gently, placing one hand on her bent knee and another on her shoulder. She was shaking lightly I could feel, her gaze unfocused and empty of any emotion as she stared ahead. I cupped her cheek in my hand and made her look at me, searching for some sign that she was here, but all I saw were tears behind two hollow eyes.
Cursing a line of words, I looked around not knowing what to do. I let my gaze fall back on Lara and a sigh escaped between my lips. Lara’s body was ice cold under my palms, the only thing covering her naked skin being my red shirt she loved so much and a pair of panties. If we looked closer we could see the little hairs in her arms poking out, her skin full of goosebumps.
“You need a shower,” I told her softly. “You’re really cold.”
I stroked the naked skin of her leg and she veered off slightly. With eyebrows furrowing, I sat down completely and wrapped my arm around her shoulders, only to be pushed away again.
“Baby, don’t do that. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
“Just go away,” she choked out as she tried her best to hide her face from me, turning it to the opposite side. I knew she hated when people saw her crying, but she shouldn’t have that kind of problem with me. “Go…”
I circled my arm around her back and shook my head, ignoring for moments the hurt I felt by hearing those words. “You know I won’t.” At that, she huffed in annoyance, but the sound came out strangled with another sob. I could feel her fighting them back; the tears, the sobs, but one could only take so much. I rubbed her back comfortingly, closing my eyes. “Please, don’t shut me off,” I said softly.
She let out another whimper and slowly lifted her head from her knees. I followed her movement with my eyes and she barely glanced up at me before leaning against my side with another sob. I quickly involved her in my arms and she clutched my shirt into her fist, her tears flowing freely down her face.
I sighed partly in relief and held her tightly to me. “I’ve got you, baby,” I whispered into her hair. “I’m right here.”
She continued to cry quietly, almost silently, but the shivering was something impossible to cover. She was freezing, and no matter how hard I hugged her it was never warm enough. She definitely needed to get into a hot bath.
I brought my hand to her face and ran my fingers over her wet cheek, wiping some of her tears. “Can you hold on for a second while I go turn the water?” I asked in a gentle tone. She nodded, keeping the silence, and I retrieved my arm from around her and reluctantly stood up. I put the water running on the highest heat and squatted down to her level again, brushing a few bangs of hair away from her eyes as I tilted her chin up.
For a split of second I was able to stare into her green eyes and my chest tightened at how dull her gaze was, as empty as a black hole. She finally caught herself and quickly lowered her head, avoiding direct contact, yet this time I didn’t force her to look at me. I was just worried sick, and seeing in this state made me ache everywhere.
I kissed her forehead sweetly and pushed myself up. Testing the temperature with the tip of my fingers, I noticed it was getting really nice and warm. “Come on, let’s get you in,” I told her, not expecting a reply. I grabbed her under her arms and carefully pulled her up with me, making sure she was steady until I let go completely. I stripped my clothes as fast as I could and then moved to hers, removing her shirt first and then tugging down her panties.
Lara’s arms wrapped around her stomach at the nakedness but I gently took her hands in mine and kissed them softly. Some of the tears she was still holding back escaped through the corners of her eyes and my throat clogged with a lump. “Shit, baby,” I muttered, more to myself than to Lara, as I helped her into the shower.
I followed right behind her and pushed her under the water first, receiving a gasp. The hot liquid must have been a big contrast to her skin and her breathing ragged just slightly as she got used to the temperature. The color in her cheeks slowly returned back to normal and her body finally stopped the intense shaking.
I relaxed upon seeing the improvements and stepped toward her. For the first time, Lara looked up at me, as if she’d returned to life. Her eyes, once cleared from any emotion, showed now how hopeless and scared she really felt, and I couldn’t help but let out a worried sigh. I cradled her cheek in my hand as new fresh tears pooled at the back of her eyes. One single blink was all it took to have those fat droplets tumbling down her face along with a few more sobs.
She dropped her head into her hands and I immediately wrapped my arms around her, feeling my heart shatter. “Baby…” I cooed softly.
She shook with another sob, and eventually, her arms circled around my middle and she buried her face in the crook of my neck as she broke down crying. I felt my own eyes prickling with tears and I took a deep breath to keep them at bay.
“It’s gonna be okay,” I croaked out, not sure if I could promise such thing, but having the need to say it. For the next minutes we just stayed there, lost in each other’s arms. I’d whisper sweet nothings to her ear and thread my fingers through her ginger hair or would draw ghost paths on her back in order to calm her down, but the huge lump in my throat tamed to stay.
I could feel her fingers digging into the back of my shoulders desperately as she held onto me tightly. I planted another kiss to the top of her wet head, rocking us both side to side. She was so tensed up, so rigid, and not melted into me like she was supposed to. I pressed my lips to her temple and let them linger there for a while. “You know I’m right here for you, baby. No matter what.”
She squeezed me lightly in acknowledgement and pulled back a little, her eyes glued to my chest still. I took her face in both of my hands and just took her in. She looked so fragile standing there, with her soaked hair sticking to her face and her petit body. Wrapping her fingers around my wrists, she hesitantly squinted up at me, her orbs reddened from the crying, glistening with unshed tears. I offered her a sad smile for lacking of better.
She leaned up on her tiptoes and removed my hands from her face to wound her arms behind my neck and kiss my lips. It started off innocent, a simple brush of lips, but the second time her lips landed on mine there was a little bit more pressure, more need, her hands beginning to tug onto my hair as mine grasped at the curve of her hips.
I felt her tongue running over my upper lip and I opened my mouth to welcome her passionate kiss. Her lips moved quite eagerly against mine, almost as if her life depended on it. Roaming my palms up and down her back, I pulled her even closer to me so there was no space between our hot, wet skins, and unwillingly the mood heated up and I started losing control over my own body.
I tried to slow down the kiss, not to let this escalate to dangerous places where there was no turning back, but Lara didn’t let me. Her teeth trapped my bottom lip with a teasing bite and then she sucked on it, leaving it swollen and sensitive once freed. She was ready to attack my lips yet again when I forced myself to step back, gently resting my hands on her waist. “I have to stop,” I told her, breathless.
Lara dragged her hands to my chest, groaning. “No.”
“Bab-”
She cut me off with another kiss, and I sighed. “Please,” Lara murmured, hands snaking up around my neck. “I want you.” My hair was pulled lightly, her fingers playing with it.
I shook my head, absently caressing her arm as my other hand laid in her lower back. I was fighting myself so hard “I don’t think this is the time.”
“I just need you to make me forget about everything for a few hours. Please. I’m exhausted, Brian,” she stated, her voice weak and trembling. “I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. Just please…” At my reluctance, she pushed herself closer and her eyes darkened only the slightest. “If there’s any time you’re gonna hear me beg for you, Brian, this is the time.”
Not having the guts to refuse her wishes, I slid my arms around her waist and pulled her into a feverish kiss. If this was the necessary to make her feel better, at least for now, then I’d do it gladly.
Already in bed and knowing I was not going anywhere, Lara finally gave in to the tiredness and fell into a deep sleep. She was on her side, facing away from me, so I draped my arm around her waist and brushed my lips first against her shoulder blade and then the curve of her neck, before dropping my head onto the pillow next to hers.
I couldn’t go to sleep even if I tried. My mind was working endlessly, trying to figure out the reason behind all of this, trying to recall for anything that might have happened recently and that had triggered this. Besides the situation with her mother, and a possible problem related to her work in New York, there was nothing else popping into my head.
I blew out the hundredth sigh of that day and opted to forget about everything and just wind down from these late events. Kissing her neck one last time, I forced my eyes to shut and cuddled to the girl in my arms, knowing that the warmness of her body would at least calm me a little.
Lara stayed out for a long while. I lost track of time as I just lay there, holding her close to me. I didn’t want to leave her alone, even if that meant being stuck in a room for two or three hours without anything to do. She was beyond scared with the idea of falling asleep and that troubled me a lot.
Her stirring snapped me out of my thoughts and I lifted my head. She was squirming slightly and doing weird noises. I propped onto my elbow to take a closer look but found her still shut eyed. Cocking an eyebrow, I placed my hand on her shoulder, ready to wake her up, yet, no sooner did I do that than she jolted upright with wide eyes.
“Hey, hey…” I called softly, lifting my hand up to her chin. Panting, she flicked her fearful eyes to mine and backed away from my fingers.
“Goddammit,” she cursed under her breath before sliding her legs off the mattress and clumsily hurrying to her feet. She was still naked. I stared at her in confusion as she gathered her stuff from around the room and kept muttering to herself.
Pushing the covers away, I got out of the bed as well. My boxers were just at my feet, so I bent down and grabbed them. Lara was still in a frantic when I looked up. “Can you fucking calm down for a minute?”
“Shut up, Brian.” She was breathing hard, her chest heaving up and down. I could hear the sniffles and I shook my head, scooting closer. She felt me approaching and held her hand up, not looking at me as she said firmly, “Don’t!”
I stopped instantly. However, I could scarcely contain the anger building up within me. My jaw hardened and my hands balled into fists, even if they would never leave my sides. “Don’t what? Can you talk to me?” I seethed.
Lara narrowed her teary eyes in a glare and shoved past me toward the bathroom. She didn’t go far, though, as I grabbed her by the arm and yanked her back around. “Let me go, Brian!” she raged, removing her arm from my grasp, fuming. When she gave the next step, I quickly stretched my arm again but it wasn’t quick enough. She ran out of the room and I had no time at all before the door slammed shut.
I followed her anyway and banged at bathroom’s door. “You can’t be fucking serious right now!” I shouted. “I’m just trying to help you in case you haven’t noticed.” She didn’t answer and I took a deep breath, filling my cheeks with air. I blew it all out and forced myself to calm down. “Please, come out. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Again she refused to say a word.
“Okay, don’t talk. Just don’t hide away. Baby, please.” When the silence continued, I punched the door again as loud as I could. “Fucking Christ, Lara! When will you fucking let me in? Dammit, baby, trust me here for a minute, will you? I’m your boyfriend, I’m your best friend. You can talk to me, you know? I’m fucking here for you!”
I was panting by the time I was finished and she still dared not to make a sound. Slamming my fists onto the door again, I stepped back. I was beyond pissed; my blood was certainly boiling inside my veins at that point and I wasn’t in my right mind when the words, “Fuck you!” raged out of my lips.
I knew I had signed my death sentence right there and then. Moving away from the door with a defeated sigh, I went to my bedroom just to put on some clothes before heading out of the house. The tension could be cut with a knife and the air was thick inside. I needed to be alone for a while, otherwise I’d only going to make things worse.
I sat down at the front door steps and ran my hands through my messy, bed hair.What the fuck have I done? I stayed there for God only knows how long, but the evening was turning into a very grim one, with dark, heavy masses of clouds in the sky. Before it started pouring rain, I came back inside only to notice the bathroom’s door had been opened.
Gulping hard, I padded toward my room, sneaking my head in and seeing Lara slouched down at the end of the bed, facing the window. She was dressed this time. Pressing my lips in a thin line, I walked over to her and took the seat behind her. None of us said a word for a couple of moments, the silence hanging around us like a rope around our necks.
Tilting my head to the side, I looked at the back of her head. The raven, ginger hair fell to her waist in large waves, and from where I stood I could smell the apple scented shampoo. I had never told her, but I loved it. “I’m sorry,” I murmured. “I didn’t mean to go off like that.”
“I know…” she struggled.
“You have to understand, though, why I got so pissed off. I mean… I know I pushed you too much. I know that. You don’t like to talk right away and you need time. But, fuck, Lara! You never talk to me! I’m worried and you keep locking yourself in the bathroom. Do you think that’s gonna help?”
Lara shook her head and stood up. “You don’t get it.”
I rose on my feet as well, already feeling my body heating up. “Yeah, I don’t. I really don’t.”
“Then fuck it, Brian!” she replied angrily as she spun around. “What do you want me to do? I’ve always been like this, and I’m not gonna change!”
“No, you were never this bad. And I’m just worried sick about you. If you’re not okay, it just means you have one more thing to add to your list of reasons to leave Huntington Beach.” Her eyes softened at my speech. “Yeah, that’s right. It’s not like the winds are in our favor. If you’re not okay, I want to do everything in my will to make it better. I want you to be happy here. I want you to want to be here. With me. With the guys. With this life.”
Her shoulders slumped slightly and she grunted, lowering her gaze to the floor.
“I’m so scared you will leave. Please, just tell me what I can do to make you stay,” I said, weary from fighting. Lara sniffled and my heart clenched yet again for her. “I’d do anything for you, you know that.”
“I’m sorry, Brian,” she let out with a weak voice as another sniffle was heard. Carefully, I stepped in her direction, closing the gap between us a few inches. Lara had tears in her eyes as she raised her face to look at me and I felt the most hopeless man in the Universe. “I’m just tired of the nightmares. It’s all happening again…”
“What nightmares?”
“With my Dad,” she replied with a certain annoyance tangled in her tone. “He doesn’t leave me alone. I’m so tired…”
And that’s when realization hit me. “Fuck, babe… I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” she huffed as she moved around me to sit at the bed again. I turned to face her. She was leaning forward with her elbows on her knees.
Still processing the information in my brain, I breathed out a small sigh. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I thought the nightmares would go away if I pretended that everything was okay.”
“You should’ve known better.” Her head shot up with disbelief and I jolted my shoulder in a shrug. “Don’t give me that look, you know I’m right.”
“Can you really blame me? This is my fault now, is that what you’re saying?”
“Well, if you actually faced your problems and talked to someone, it might have helped, yes.” I decided to say, knowing perfectly well that shit was about to rise from hell. Lara jumped to her feet and sidled up to me, a new anger swimming in those green pools her eyes were.
“I can’t believe you right now, Brian! You’re supposed to be on my side and not pointing fingers!”
“I am on your side, Goddammit! That’s why I’m telling you this! I’d rather have you angry at me than have you struggling all alone and keeping things to yourself. You need to talk! You need to find a solution to make the nightmares go away. Silence won’t do shit, Lara!”
“You have no idea what this feels like. It hurts much more to talk than to have nightmares.”
“You can’t honestly believe that. Look at you! You don’t sleep, you barely smile, you don’t eat, you’re suffering. For what? Stubbornness? You have more than a handful people near you willing to help and you ignore everyone! You ignore me! How do you think that makes me feel?”
“It’s all about you then. Great, Brian. You’re always the victim,” she scoffed.
“It’s not about me, Lara,” I stated, beginning to feel a little bit impatient. “It’s about us. I thought we’d agreed to talk to each other if something was wrong.”
Her face was emotionless as the next words were uttered. “We had.”
Snorting, completely fed up, I turned around from her. “I don’t get it,” I said with a humorless laugh before I spun again. “Why do you have to act like this? Like you don’t care?”
She crossed her arms to her chest, her look defiant as she stared me right in the eye. “Maybe I don’t,” she spat.
I shook my head, lost as to why I was being treated like this. I was done fighting, so when I spoke again, my voice could barely be heard. “You were sobbing not too long ago. You do care.” Breaking my gaze from hers, I headed for the door. “
Lara’s POV
It took every bit of strength in me not to sit in a corner and cry again. Brian’s last words hit me more than the fight only seconds prior. I couldn’t stay here, though. Not after what happened. I needed to get my head straight before talking to Brian. I was still pissed off at him for not giving me the time and space I needed, yet, at the same time, I could see where he was coming from.
I grabbed my phone from the nightstand. Tears were tilting from the corner of my eyes and I wiped them away with a sniffle before scrolling through my contacts. Once I found the one I was looking for I pressed call and sat down. I was exhausted and my eyes fell naturally shut as I waited. Audrey picked up shortly after, her usual cheery voice making me smile lightly.
“Hey, sweetie!”
“Can I come over?” I asked.
*** “Where are you going?”
I came to an halt hearing Brian’s voice. Somehow I had hoped he wouldn’t catch me leave. I didn’t look back at him as I replied, “Audrey’s.” He said nothing and I waited no more. I resumed my steps toward the door and darted out without another shared word. I felt awful for chickening out like that but I wasn’t ready to face Brian just yet. Not when I knew he would force me to talk.
I arrived at Audrey’s and Zacky’s place in less than twenty minutes. I cursed myself for the money expended with the taxi and faked a smile to the driver as I accepted the change. Lazily dragging my butt out of the car I sighed, feeling the cold air embrace me to the bones. Today was a shitty day, I concluded.
I slowly reached the front door and hesitated for a bit before ringing the bell. I definitely wasn’t looking for questions about what was going on. I had no choice, though, so I went for it. It was Zacky who appeared at the door.
“Look who’s here,” he smiled.
I mimicked his lips with a smile of my own. “Hey, Zack.”
He stepped to the side and motioned for me to come in. “What’re you doing here at this hour? Audrey is making dinner.”
I followed him to the kitchen where his fianceé was and she greeted me with a long and warm hug. Sometimes I wondered if I were too obvious about my feelings. Or maybe it was Audrey’s fine sixth sense. “You look terrible, honey,” she commented with pity in her voice.
“Ah, I’m fine.”
Audrey narrowed her eyes at me, her free hand settling on her waist while the other held a wooden spoon. “Yeah, right,” she countered with the characteristic southern accent.
Zacky, who had sitted down at the table, turned to me, oblivious to the situation. “What happened?” I groaned to myself, knowing I was trapped. Patting the chair beside him, Zacky said, “Come sit.”
I did as he said while a sigh parted from my mouth. “Brian and I kinda had a fight.”
“About what?”
Audrey stopped what she was doing and leaned against the counter to listen to what I was saying. I flittered my gaze between the two of them before lowering my head to my lap. “About me not talking to him.” The truth could be cut short to this.
“Oh,” Zacky let out. “He spoke to me about it once.”
“Nice,” I scoffed.
Zacky’s soft laugh reached my ears and I swated at his arm. “Oh, come on! He’s my best friend. We talk.”
“I just need my space and time,” I defended. “He doesn’t get it. He can’t assume I’m gonna fall into his arms whenever something bad happens to me.”
“I think he can, and he does,” Zazky frowned. “He’s crazy about you. He can’t stand the thought of you being hurt and not open up to him. It literally eats him inside when you do that. When you shut him out.”
“I know that.”
Audrey shook her head and took the chair in front of me. “I know you’re used to be by yourself, Lara, but now you have Brian. He has to respect you, of course, but so do you. You’ve got to balance each other, even if that means having to give in sometimes.”
I knew she was right. I’ve always known it. Yet, I kept making the same mistake, over and over again. I just couldn’t help myself.
I nodded my head as to acknowledge I had gotten the message and she grinned. “Let’s eat now. You look like you haven’t eaten all day.”
“Yeah, I’m kinda starving,” I chuckled, getting up to help with the dishes.
Roasted chicken and rice had never tasted so good as they did today. I felt comforted and ready to drift off to sleep. “You can stay here tonight if you want,” Zacky said, sending me a wink. I smiled in return and found my spot in one of the couches, grabbing a pillow and hugging it to my chest. I had a lot on my mind but I was feeling better.
The three of us were enjoying a nice evening watching TV and occasionally sharing comments when the doorbell rang. My heart stopped for a split of second.
“I might have texted Brian,” Zacky stated, guilt scattering all over his face as he stood up from Audrey’s arms.
I gave him a pointed look and tried to calm down my frantic heartbeats. There was no use. As soon as I heard the door open I felt like throwing up. Audrey looked at me with sympathy, attempting to encourage me. Sadly, it didn’t work.
“What’s up man?”
I closed my eyes for a moment and took several deep breaths. Steps echoed then, sounding closer and closer until they stopped completely. I hesitantly looked up, seeing Brian not far from me. My walls came crashing all around me. I’d hardly ever felt so vulnerable as I did in that instant.
“Audrey and I are going upstairs. Just let me know when you leave,” Zacky said and I gulped.
“Alright.” Brian’s voice was tangled with sadness. It pained me. “You ok?” he asked me gently, once we were alone, sitting on one of the armrests of the other couch.
My eyes slowly lifted up to his brown ones, yet for no longer than a second. The way they burned into mine was too intense to handle. Brian seemed to notice my discomfort and moved to sit beside me, taking the pillow I was desperately holding onto and tossing it behind him. I was about to rest my hands on my lap when he grabbed one of them. His grip was tight and my heart tugged inside my chest, forcing me to look up at him.
There was no anger in his iris. No rage. Just honest concern. “You didn’t answer my question,” he murmured in a soft tone. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know, Brian,” I replied truthfully. “I’m just tired, really.”
None of us said anything for a couple of minutes. We just sat there, holding hands. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what he wanted to hear.
“You wanna stay here tonight and just… clear your head about today?”
“I…” I shook my head, stumbling over my thoughts and feelings.
“You wanna go home?”
“I wanna be with you.” Brian smiled, a smile that melted down my most strong barriers. I leaned into him and he circled his arm around me to pull me closer. His lips left a kiss on my head and I snuggled in. “I’m sorry,” I murmured. I was. So much. “I shouldn’t have hidden away.”
“You shouldn’t have.”
“I just…” I trailed off. Again I was lost for words.
“I know. I’m sorry too, Lara. I didn’t respect your space. I was just terrified for seeing you like that, so broken and… lonely.”
I closed my eyes at that.
Brian was good at comfort. His embrace was so tight, so warm and safe. In times like this I felt like punching myself for throwing him off when all he tried to do was love me. He did love me.
My thoughts were interrupted by his silky voice. “I forgive you, though. On one condition.”
I moved away just enough to see his face and sent him a quizzical look. “What’s that?”
Brian’s eyes glistened with mischief and he dipped his head to press a kiss to my lips. Not an innocent kiss, but a proper one that left me breathless and with cheeks warm. “I need lots of those today,” he murmured between soft pecks.
Chuckling, I surrendered to one more kiss before straightening up on my seat. He was smirking when I locked eyes with him again and my lips threatened to break into a smile. “I’ll see what I can do about it.”
*** Brian’s place came into view as we took the left turn to his street. I was eager to get inside and get into his bed. A good night of sleep was all I needed.
My stuff was still at his place, so while he disappeared into the kitchen, saying he needed to get something very important, I went to his bedroom to change to more comfortable clothes. I was walking toward his bed when his head sneaked in through the door. I laughed. “What you’re doing? Come in.”
He didn’t. Not right away. “Close your eyes,” he demanded.
“Why?”
He rolled his eyes, stepping out into sight. “Just close them, please.” He was hiding something behind his back, I noticed then. I craned my neck trying to see what it was. “Come on!” he scolded.
With a bottom lip out and arms crossed I finally shut my eyes. I heard his footsteps, one, two three, and before he reached me, I cracked one eye open and saw a bottle of my favorite whisky secured in his hand.
“You didn’t!” I gasped and he stopped dead in tracks just a few feet away from me.
“Are you serious?”
Was he referring the fact that I had opened my eyes too soon? I did not care. I ignored his rambles and moved in his direction to take the precious liquor from him. “Aw… This is so nice.” I rubbed my cheek in the bottle. “Why did you do this?”
He simply shrugged, smiling. “I figured we both needed a little bit of booze after today. I was saving it for some special occasion but…”
“What special occasion?” I cut in, intrigued and a bit scared I had to admit.
His lips curled into a smirk. “No idea. Who knows?”
Brian, Brian…
“Alright, let’s just drink, shall we?”
“Indeed,” I murmured, mostly to myself, before popping the top out. I took the first sip and let the bittersweet liquid wash my sorrows away. “God, this is good.” Brian snatched the bottle to him and I smiled a little.
We headed for the bed, sat down, and pulled the covers up to shield us from the cold. “You know…” I started once we were both settled and comfortable, “you and I and alcohol will not end up well.”
Humming over the taste on his lips, he turned his head to me and said, “I don’t see where this can go wrong.” We stared a little into each other’s eyes before cracking up. “You naughty, little girl,” he accused with fake shock.
“What?” I coughed out, “you were the one who started laughing.”
“Yeah, right.”
I slapped him on the chest. “Shut up.”
He did, for a while, and so did I. It was good sharing the silence with Brian. It was peaceful and welcoming after today’s stress and conflicts. I was still ashamed for my actions, for cowering away from my feelings like I was used to back in New York; back when I was alone, thinking of what I had lost when I moved from California and from Brian.
“We should toast,” he said, breaking me from my thoughts.
“We should?”
He looked at me with a warm smile. “To your father.”
I matched his grin with one of my own, though a bit sadder. “Even if he hated your guts.”
“Well, yes.”
I shook my head, laughing softly. “I don’t think he hated you. You just spoiled his only girl.”
Brian’s eyes widened in curiosity. “Spoiled, uh?”
I nodded. Johnny Walker was staring at me in the form of an orange drink, held safely in Brian’s hand. However, if we were having this kind of conversation right now I was going to need a lot of whisky to make it through.
At my lack of words, Brian continued to guess. “Like… I turned you into a bad girl?”
I had to smirk at that. “Uh-uh.”
Shrugging his shoulders, he said, “I regret nothing.”
“Me neither.”
We were about half a bottle down, so our vision was not so clear anymore, neither were our thoughts. Yet Brian turned to me with a seriousness I could not place and understand. He was a deep person when the alcohol over weighted the blood in his veins.
“What?” I slurred. I was way drunker than him, however.
“You should go visit your Dad’s grave.”
His words hit me straight in the guts. It made me sober up a notch. “You’re crazy.”
“No, I’m not. I think it’d do you good, actually.”
I sighed and shook my head. I didn’t want to discuss this. Not right now. We were way too happy with a bottle of whisky to speak of graves and deaths. On a second thought, though, if there was a time to talk about it would be with me beyond drunk. Maybe I would not remember it on the day after. “Brian-”
“Just think about it.”
“I don’t like cemeteries.”
Brian pushed himself closer to me and kissed my cheek. “I’ll go with you, Shorty.”
I took a long sip from the bottle and let the burning sensation dry my tears away. Were I about to cry? I shoved the whisky into his chest so he could take it and climbed onto his lap. Brian’s senses came to life at my approach and he quickly placed the bottle on the bedside table.
“You’re avoiding the issue by seducing me.”
“Yes,” I agreed as I stole a kiss from his lips.
“That’s dirty.”
I grinded against him and nuzzled the side of his neck. He smelled good. “Is wanting you dirty?” I murmured softly against his hot skin.
Brian’s breath hitched. “A little. I don’t mind.”
I pulled back and locked my eyes with his, seeing the lust already creeping on them. Not able to do put on any other move, Brian wrapped his arms around my back and pushed his lips against mine in a hungry kiss. He tasted sweet. And that was the last thought I had form in my head before I was consumed by the longing and pleasure of his touch.
I did not dream that night. But when I woke up I knew I had a serious subject to think about.
With Lara working at the store now nearly full time, I almost forgot how it felt like to be sitting behind a counter the entire morning. People didn’t look for music stores as often as they did a few years back. We were lucky we had the classes to bring money into our Company (Avenged Sevenfold) otherwise we’d be screwed.
It was cliché to name our Company the same as our band, yet it felt right at the time. And now we had a chance to play again live, the five of us, like old times, and it scared me shitless, not because I was insecure about my skills, but because I was afraid to love it too much. I shook those thoughts to the back of my head as I heard someone stepping into the store.
I looked up just as Johnny slapped the counter in front of me. I flipped him off straight away and he laughed shortly, before leaning forward on his elbows. “What’s up, prick?”
“Nothing much,” I replied with a careless shrug of my shoulders. “Have you heard from Fuck Cancer Foundation yet? They were supposed to give us more information about the event and they still hadn’t said anything.”
“I don’t know, man, you’ll have to talk to Matt about it. He’s the one taking care of it,” Johnny explained, and I lowered my head to my lap as I nodded, a small sigh falling from my lips. “You okay about it?” he asked after a moment of silence, sensing the mood drop.
I mulled over his question for a bit, but I wasn’t sure if I had a solid answer to give him. I wanted to believe that I was ready to play again, and part of me was eager to grab a guitar and show everyone how good we were, although there was always thatbut. “We’ll see.” I stood up from the chair. It was too much silence in the store and it was driving me nuts.
Johnny followed me to the back room where I was going to put some music playing and leaned his side against the doorframe, waiting. I scrolled through the Ipod we’d bought the previous week, not really sure of what I was searching for, but knowing I’d eventually find something. “You know, if you don’t want to do this thing, you just have to say the word,” Johnny stated.
I paused for a second. “What thing?”
He pushed himself off the doorway and came inside to stand next to me. “Don’t play dumb with me, Brian. I know better.”
I rolled my eyes at him, but didn’t pursue conversation. The Ipod in my hand seemed much more interesting than the topic we were discussing. I finally found Duran Duran and hit play with a smile, only to frown when Johnny shut the stereo down and stole the silver device from my hand. “What the hell, dude,” I sighed, frustrated, though not finding in me the strength to be mad.
“If this is going to be your attitude throughout the rehearsals and the event, we better quit right now. I’m not gonna put up with your bad mood, you hear me? And I’m sure Matt won’t either. You know how bitchy he gets when things don’t go as he plans.”
He had a good point there, but it didn’t make any easier for me to accept the situation. “I promise I’ll try.”
“That’s not enough. Come on, man,” Johnny dragged, “I know it’s a sensitive nerve we’re hitting, because of what happened years ago, but things are starting to look up for you. You’ve got Lara and this opportunity is awesome and we’re helping people. Just think about the positive side. Please?”
I waved my hand in dismissal and switched on the stereo again. “I said I’ll try.”
Johnny gave an annoyed growl and we both returned to the front. “I can’t believe you still listen to this band, though.”
“Shut up, Short Shit,” I smirked.
I grabbed my phone from the counter to see if I had any missed calls from Lara. Nothing. She was still sound asleep when I’d left in the morning, probably due to the three rounds of kinky business last night. Damn, it was great. I locked the screen and placed my old device back where it was, before I turned to the little man I called friend. “Matt’s lesson is in a few as well, isn’t it?”
Just as I uttered those words, the front door of the store opened with a shriek, making me flinch slightly at the sound. Maybe we should oil the edges. Matt walked over with a suspicious smile and fist bumped us when in reach. “What’s that face?” Johnny asked, noticing the same as me. “Got any news?”
“Oh yeah, you fuckers. You can start tuning your instruments because Avenged Sevenfold is officially coming back!” he cheered, and Johnny gave a victory sound as he punched Matt in the shoulder. I tried to feel the minimal pinch of excitement but all I could manage was a fake grin. This was going to be harder than I thought.
It was a little past one o’clock when Matt and Johnny descended the stairs from the respective class rooms. Their students had come down a few minutes ago and I was growing a little impatient as the hunger I felt worsened. As they stepped closer, I shut off the session in the laptop and pulled the lid down.
“Ready to go eat? I’m freaking starving,” Matt chuckled, rubbing his large hand over his stomach. I furiously nodded with my head and rounded the counter to follow them out the store. That’s when I noticed Luna walking side by side with Johnny, and a small smile touched my lips. It seemed that things were working just fine between them. However, Matt’s voice pulled me from my thoughts as he asked, “Where’s Lara?”
I couldn’t help but smirk at the mention of her. “Let’s just say we had a busy night.”
Matt gave me a knowing look and I bent down a little to lock the store as we exited. “At least one of us is getting some.” Once the place was safe to any intruders, we resumed our way toward the usual diner across the street. Johnny and Luna were way ahead of us already, but they seemed oblivion to it as they held hands and laughed with each other.
My eyebrows deepened in the middle of my forehead, though, as Matt’s words replayed in my head. “What’s up, man? Having troubles in paradise?” I queried in what soon became a failed attempt to light up the mood.
He shook his head, lips twisting to the side in a sad smile. I patted his shoulder sympathetically, not really finding anything better to do or say. “We’re just fighting a lot lately,” Matt confessed, “and that’s pretty much it. I have no idea why it’s been happening, nor how it all began, but shit is not good.”
“Have you guys tried to talk about it? Maybe there’s something not working as it should; maybe Katherine is not okay, I don’t know.”
What sounded a desperate sigh left Matt’s lips as he crossed his hand over his chest and scratched his shoulder in a nervous manner. It was easy to tell this conversation was making him uncomfortable and unsettled. “I tried, dude. She’s just not responding.”
“If you really want to sort things out with her you’ll have to try even harder.”
“Gee, thanks,” Matt muttered, and I raised my hands defensively, smiling lightly. We finally reached the diner and made ourselves in, searching for the happy couple.
“I’m just saying, man,” I picked on the conversation, looking around the place for Johnny or Luna. “Girls are tricky.”
Matt sighed. “Tell me about it.” Johnny finally waved at us from two tables ahead upon realizing we couldn’t find him and we walked over to him, sitting on the two free seats at the table. Matt grabbed the menu laying on top and nudged me on the side, smirking slightly. “If Lara heard you say that, though…”
Chuckling, I shrugged my shoulders. “I know how to deal with her.”
“More busy nights, uh?” I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively, not fighting the smirk pulling at the corners of my mouth. “Fucking rabbits,” Matt chuckled and I saw him shake his head before I drew my attention to the phone in my hand.
I still hadn’t heard any news from Lara and it was a bit odd. Yet, on second thought, maybe she was just really tired. I would’ve slept much more if it weren’t for the store. Deciding to drop the subject for the moment, I turned to Matt’s side, peeking into his menu to choose what I wanted to eat.
***
I was eager to get home after my class in the afternoon. It wasn’t too late when I parked my car in front of my house and clambered out, kicking the door shut, but the sun had already begun to set which made me squint my eyes a little to block the intrusion of light.
With keys rattling in my hand, I took a quick run up to the front door. The thought of a possible cake coming out of the oven popped in my head in a sudden and my stomach roiled inevitably. Lara was always baking when she’d take over my kitchen and it was the best thing ever. I never turned down her cakes.
Stepping in, I was greeted by silence and took a deep breath. I didn’t smell the familiar scent of fresh baked cake and it was enough to make me pout. I decided to peek into the kitchen, anyway, but the disappointment remained. No cake and no Lara.
“Babe, I’m home!” I announced out loud, only to be ignored. My brow creased. She hadn’t said anything the whole day and now there were no signs of her anywhere. “Babe?” I tried again.
I dropped the keys and my phone onto the center table in my living room, also empty, and walked toward my bedroom where the chance of finding Lara was higher. I gently pushed the already opened door a little wider and glanced inside. The covers of the bed were pulled back and tangled all over and Lara’s clothes were scattered around the room where I’d tossed them last night.
She was here then.
Even more confused, I went to check the only place left in my house where Lara could possibly be – the bathroom. I left the division I was in and turned to the first door on my left, knocking twice with my knuckles and leaning my ear against the wooden material. “Are you here, Lara?”
When no one answered, I twisted the knob with my hand and allowed myself in, freezing in place once I laid my eyes on the sitting body on the floor against the bath tub. At first, I didn’t really get what was happening, but as I heard the indistinguishable sound of crying my heart skipped a few beats.
“Baby…” The pet name came out in a whisper as I rushed to Lara and squatted down beside her. “Hey, what happened?” I asked gently, placing one hand on her bent knee and another on her shoulder. She was shaking lightly I could feel, her gaze unfocused and empty of any emotion as she stared ahead. I cupped her cheek in my hand and made her look at me, searching for some sign that she was here, but all I saw were tears behind two hollow eyes.
Cursing a line of words, I looked around not knowing what to do. I let my gaze fall back on Lara and a sigh escaped between my lips. Lara’s body was ice cold under my palms, the only thing covering her naked skin being my red shirt she loved so much and a pair of panties. If we looked closer we could see the little hairs in her arms poking out, her skin full of goosebumps.
“You need a shower,” I told her softly. “You’re really cold.”
I stroked the naked skin of her leg and she veered off slightly. With eyebrows furrowing, I sat down completely and wrapped my arm around her shoulders, only to be pushed away again.
“Baby, don’t do that. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
“Just go away,” she choked out as she tried her best to hide her face from me, turning it to the opposite side. I knew she hated when people saw her crying, but she shouldn’t have that kind of problem with me. “Go…”
I circled my arm around her back and shook my head, ignoring for moments the hurt I felt by hearing those words. “You know I won’t.” At that, she huffed in annoyance, but the sound came out strangled with another sob. I could feel her fighting them back; the tears, the sobs, but one could only take so much. I rubbed her back comfortingly, closing my eyes. “Please, don’t shut me off,” I said softly.
She let out another whimper and slowly lifted her head from her knees. I followed her movement with my eyes and she barely glanced up at me before leaning against my side with another sob. I quickly involved her in my arms and she clutched my shirt into her fist, her tears flowing freely down her face.
I sighed partly in relief and held her tightly to me. “I’ve got you, baby,” I whispered into her hair. “I’m right here.”
She continued to cry quietly, almost silently, but the shivering was something impossible to cover. She was freezing, and no matter how hard I hugged her it was never warm enough. She definitely needed to get into a hot bath.
I brought my hand to her face and ran my fingers over her wet cheek, wiping some of her tears. “Can you hold on for a second while I go turn the water?” I asked in a gentle tone. She nodded, keeping the silence, and I retrieved my arm from around her and reluctantly stood up. I put the water running on the highest heat and squatted down to her level again, brushing a few bangs of hair away from her eyes as I tilted her chin up.
For a split of second I was able to stare into her green eyes and my chest tightened at how dull her gaze was, as empty as a black hole. She finally caught herself and quickly lowered her head, avoiding direct contact, yet this time I didn’t force her to look at me. I was just worried sick, and seeing in this state made me ache everywhere.
I kissed her forehead sweetly and pushed myself up. Testing the temperature with the tip of my fingers, I noticed it was getting really nice and warm. “Come on, let’s get you in,” I told her, not expecting a reply. I grabbed her under her arms and carefully pulled her up with me, making sure she was steady until I let go completely. I stripped my clothes as fast as I could and then moved to hers, removing her shirt first and then tugging down her panties.
Lara’s arms wrapped around her stomach at the nakedness but I gently took her hands in mine and kissed them softly. Some of the tears she was still holding back escaped through the corners of her eyes and my throat clogged with a lump. “Shit, baby,” I muttered, more to myself than to Lara, as I helped her into the shower.
I followed right behind her and pushed her under the water first, receiving a gasp. The hot liquid must have been a big contrast to her skin and her breathing ragged just slightly as she got used to the temperature. The color in her cheeks slowly returned back to normal and her body finally stopped the intense shaking.
I relaxed upon seeing the improvements and stepped toward her. For the first time, Lara looked up at me, as if she’d returned to life. Her eyes, once cleared from any emotion, showed now how hopeless and scared she really felt, and I couldn’t help but let out a worried sigh. I cradled her cheek in my hand as new fresh tears pooled at the back of her eyes. One single blink was all it took to have those fat droplets tumbling down her face along with a few more sobs.
She dropped her head into her hands and I immediately wrapped my arms around her, feeling my heart shatter. “Baby…” I cooed softly.
She shook with another sob, and eventually, her arms circled around my middle and she buried her face in the crook of my neck as she broke down crying. I felt my own eyes prickling with tears and I took a deep breath to keep them at bay.
“It’s gonna be okay,” I croaked out, not sure if I could promise such thing, but having the need to say it. For the next minutes we just stayed there, lost in each other’s arms. I’d whisper sweet nothings to her ear and thread my fingers through her ginger hair or would draw ghost paths on her back in order to calm her down, but the huge lump in my throat tamed to stay.
I could feel her fingers digging into the back of my shoulders desperately as she held onto me tightly. I planted another kiss to the top of her wet head, rocking us both side to side. She was so tensed up, so rigid, and not melted into me like she was supposed to. I pressed my lips to her temple and let them linger there for a while. “You know I’m right here for you, baby. No matter what.”
She squeezed me lightly in acknowledgement and pulled back a little, her eyes glued to my chest still. I took her face in both of my hands and just took her in. She looked so fragile standing there, with her soaked hair sticking to her face and her petit body. Wrapping her fingers around my wrists, she hesitantly squinted up at me, her orbs reddened from the crying, glistening with unshed tears. I offered her a sad smile for lacking of better.
She leaned up on her tiptoes and removed my hands from her face to wound her arms behind my neck and kiss my lips. It started off innocent, a simple brush of lips, but the second time her lips landed on mine there was a little bit more pressure, more need, her hands beginning to tug onto my hair as mine grasped at the curve of her hips.
I felt her tongue running over my upper lip and I opened my mouth to welcome her passionate kiss. Her lips moved quite eagerly against mine, almost as if her life depended on it. Roaming my palms up and down her back, I pulled her even closer to me so there was no space between our hot, wet skins, and unwillingly the mood heated up and I started losing control over my own body.
I tried to slow down the kiss, not to let this escalate to dangerous places where there was no turning back, but Lara didn’t let me. Her teeth trapped my bottom lip with a teasing bite and then she sucked on it, leaving it swollen and sensitive once freed. She was ready to attack my lips yet again when I forced myself to step back, gently resting my hands on her waist. “I have to stop,” I told her, breathless.
Lara dragged her hands to my chest, groaning. “No.”
“Bab-”
She cut me off with another kiss, and I sighed. “Please,” Lara murmured, hands snaking up around my neck. “I want you.” My hair was pulled lightly, her fingers playing with it.
I shook my head, absently caressing her arm as my other hand laid in her lower back. I was fighting myself so hard “I don’t think this is the time.”
“I just need you to make me forget about everything for a few hours. Please. I’m exhausted, Brian,” she stated, her voice weak and trembling. “I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. Just please…” At my reluctance, she pushed herself closer and her eyes darkened only the slightest. “If there’s any time you’re gonna hear me beg for you, Brian, this is the time.”
Not having the guts to refuse her wishes, I slid my arms around her waist and pulled her into a feverish kiss. If this was the necessary to make her feel better, at least for now, then I’d do it gladly.
Already in bed and knowing I was not going anywhere, Lara finally gave in to the tiredness and fell into a deep sleep. She was on her side, facing away from me, so I draped my arm around her waist and brushed my lips first against her shoulder blade and then the curve of her neck, before dropping my head onto the pillow next to hers.
I couldn’t go to sleep even if I tried. My mind was working endlessly, trying to figure out the reason behind all of this, trying to recall for anything that might have happened recently and that had triggered this. Besides the situation with her mother, and a possible problem related to her work in New York, there was nothing else popping into my head.
I blew out the hundredth sigh of that day and opted to forget about everything and just wind down from these late events. Kissing her neck one last time, I forced my eyes to shut and cuddled to the girl in my arms, knowing that the warmness of her body would at least calm me a little.
Lara stayed out for a long while. I lost track of time as I just lay there, holding her close to me. I didn’t want to leave her alone, even if that meant being stuck in a room for two or three hours without anything to do. She was beyond scared with the idea of falling asleep and that troubled me a lot.
Her stirring snapped me out of my thoughts and I lifted my head. She was squirming slightly and doing weird noises. I propped onto my elbow to take a closer look but found her still shut eyed. Cocking an eyebrow, I placed my hand on her shoulder, ready to wake her up, yet, no sooner did I do that than she jolted upright with wide eyes.
“Hey, hey…” I called softly, lifting my hand up to her chin. Panting, she flicked her fearful eyes to mine and backed away from my fingers.
“Goddammit,” she cursed under her breath before sliding her legs off the mattress and clumsily hurrying to her feet. She was still naked. I stared at her in confusion as she gathered her stuff from around the room and kept muttering to herself.
Pushing the covers away, I got out of the bed as well. My boxers were just at my feet, so I bent down and grabbed them. Lara was still in a frantic when I looked up. “Can you fucking calm down for a minute?”
“Shut up, Brian.” She was breathing hard, her chest heaving up and down. I could hear the sniffles and I shook my head, scooting closer. She felt me approaching and held her hand up, not looking at me as she said firmly, “Don’t!”
I stopped instantly. However, I could scarcely contain the anger building up within me. My jaw hardened and my hands balled into fists, even if they would never leave my sides. “Don’t what? Can you talk to me?” I seethed.
Lara narrowed her teary eyes in a glare and shoved past me toward the bathroom. She didn’t go far, though, as I grabbed her by the arm and yanked her back around. “Let me go, Brian!” she raged, removing her arm from my grasp, fuming. When she gave the next step, I quickly stretched my arm again but it wasn’t quick enough. She ran out of the room and I had no time at all before the door slammed shut.
I followed her anyway and banged at bathroom’s door. “You can’t be fucking serious right now!” I shouted. “I’m just trying to help you in case you haven’t noticed.” She didn’t answer and I took a deep breath, filling my cheeks with air. I blew it all out and forced myself to calm down. “Please, come out. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Again she refused to say a word.
“Okay, don’t talk. Just don’t hide away. Baby, please.” When the silence continued, I punched the door again as loud as I could. “Fucking Christ, Lara! When will you fucking let me in? Dammit, baby, trust me here for a minute, will you? I’m your boyfriend, I’m your best friend. You can talk to me, you know? I’m fucking here for you!”
I was panting by the time I was finished and she still dared not to make a sound. Slamming my fists onto the door again, I stepped back. I was beyond pissed; my blood was certainly boiling inside my veins at that point and I wasn’t in my right mind when the words, “Fuck you!” raged out of my lips.
I knew I had signed my death sentence right there and then. Moving away from the door with a defeated sigh, I went to my bedroom just to put on some clothes before heading out of the house. The tension could be cut with a knife and the air was thick inside. I needed to be alone for a while, otherwise I’d only going to make things worse.
I sat down at the front door steps and ran my hands through my messy, bed hair.What the fuck have I done? I stayed there for God only knows how long, but the evening was turning into a very grim one, with dark, heavy masses of clouds in the sky. Before it started pouring rain, I came back inside only to notice the bathroom’s door had been opened.
Gulping hard, I padded toward my room, sneaking my head in and seeing Lara slouched down at the end of the bed, facing the window. She was dressed this time. Pressing my lips in a thin line, I walked over to her and took the seat behind her. None of us said a word for a couple of moments, the silence hanging around us like a rope around our necks.
Tilting my head to the side, I looked at the back of her head. The raven, ginger hair fell to her waist in large waves, and from where I stood I could smell the apple scented shampoo. I had never told her, but I loved it. “I’m sorry,” I murmured. “I didn’t mean to go off like that.”
“I know…” she struggled.
“You have to understand, though, why I got so pissed off. I mean… I know I pushed you too much. I know that. You don’t like to talk right away and you need time. But, fuck, Lara! You never talk to me! I’m worried and you keep locking yourself in the bathroom. Do you think that’s gonna help?”
Lara shook her head and stood up. “You don’t get it.”
I rose on my feet as well, already feeling my body heating up. “Yeah, I don’t. I really don’t.”
“Then fuck it, Brian!” she replied angrily as she spun around. “What do you want me to do? I’ve always been like this, and I’m not gonna change!”
“No, you were never this bad. And I’m just worried sick about you. If you’re not okay, it just means you have one more thing to add to your list of reasons to leave Huntington Beach.” Her eyes softened at my speech. “Yeah, that’s right. It’s not like the winds are in our favor. If you’re not okay, I want to do everything in my will to make it better. I want you to be happy here. I want you to want to be here. With me. With the guys. With this life.”
Her shoulders slumped slightly and she grunted, lowering her gaze to the floor.
“I’m so scared you will leave. Please, just tell me what I can do to make you stay,” I said, weary from fighting. Lara sniffled and my heart clenched yet again for her. “I’d do anything for you, you know that.”
“I’m sorry, Brian,” she let out with a weak voice as another sniffle was heard. Carefully, I stepped in her direction, closing the gap between us a few inches. Lara had tears in her eyes as she raised her face to look at me and I felt the most hopeless man in the Universe. “I’m just tired of the nightmares. It’s all happening again…”
“What nightmares?”
“With my Dad,” she replied with a certain annoyance tangled in her tone. “He doesn’t leave me alone. I’m so tired…”
And that’s when realization hit me. “Fuck, babe… I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” she huffed as she moved around me to sit at the bed again. I turned to face her. She was leaning forward with her elbows on her knees.
Still processing the information in my brain, I breathed out a small sigh. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I thought the nightmares would go away if I pretended that everything was okay.”
“You should’ve known better.” Her head shot up with disbelief and I jolted my shoulder in a shrug. “Don’t give me that look, you know I’m right.”
“Can you really blame me? This is my fault now, is that what you’re saying?”
“Well, if you actually faced your problems and talked to someone, it might have helped, yes.” I decided to say, knowing perfectly well that shit was about to rise from hell. Lara jumped to her feet and sidled up to me, a new anger swimming in those green pools her eyes were.
“I can’t believe you right now, Brian! You’re supposed to be on my side and not pointing fingers!”
“I am on your side, Goddammit! That’s why I’m telling you this! I’d rather have you angry at me than have you struggling all alone and keeping things to yourself. You need to talk! You need to find a solution to make the nightmares go away. Silence won’t do shit, Lara!”
“You have no idea what this feels like. It hurts much more to talk than to have nightmares.”
“You can’t honestly believe that. Look at you! You don’t sleep, you barely smile, you don’t eat, you’re suffering. For what? Stubbornness? You have more than a handful people near you willing to help and you ignore everyone! You ignore me! How do you think that makes me feel?”
“It’s all about you then. Great, Brian. You’re always the victim,” she scoffed.
“It’s not about me, Lara,” I stated, beginning to feel a little bit impatient. “It’s about us. I thought we’d agreed to talk to each other if something was wrong.”
Her face was emotionless as the next words were uttered. “We had.”
Snorting, completely fed up, I turned around from her. “I don’t get it,” I said with a humorless laugh before I spun again. “Why do you have to act like this? Like you don’t care?”
She crossed her arms to her chest, her look defiant as she stared me right in the eye. “Maybe I don’t,” she spat.
I shook my head, lost as to why I was being treated like this. I was done fighting, so when I spoke again, my voice could barely be heard. “You were sobbing not too long ago. You do care.” Breaking my gaze from hers, I headed for the door. “
Lara’s POV
It took every bit of strength in me not to sit in a corner and cry again. Brian’s last words hit me more than the fight only seconds prior. I couldn’t stay here, though. Not after what happened. I needed to get my head straight before talking to Brian. I was still pissed off at him for not giving me the time and space I needed, yet, at the same time, I could see where he was coming from.
I grabbed my phone from the nightstand. Tears were tilting from the corner of my eyes and I wiped them away with a sniffle before scrolling through my contacts. Once I found the one I was looking for I pressed call and sat down. I was exhausted and my eyes fell naturally shut as I waited. Audrey picked up shortly after, her usual cheery voice making me smile lightly.
“Hey, sweetie!”
“Can I come over?” I asked.
*** “Where are you going?”
I came to an halt hearing Brian’s voice. Somehow I had hoped he wouldn’t catch me leave. I didn’t look back at him as I replied, “Audrey’s.” He said nothing and I waited no more. I resumed my steps toward the door and darted out without another shared word. I felt awful for chickening out like that but I wasn’t ready to face Brian just yet. Not when I knew he would force me to talk.
I arrived at Audrey’s and Zacky’s place in less than twenty minutes. I cursed myself for the money expended with the taxi and faked a smile to the driver as I accepted the change. Lazily dragging my butt out of the car I sighed, feeling the cold air embrace me to the bones. Today was a shitty day, I concluded.
I slowly reached the front door and hesitated for a bit before ringing the bell. I definitely wasn’t looking for questions about what was going on. I had no choice, though, so I went for it. It was Zacky who appeared at the door.
“Look who’s here,” he smiled.
I mimicked his lips with a smile of my own. “Hey, Zack.”
He stepped to the side and motioned for me to come in. “What’re you doing here at this hour? Audrey is making dinner.”
I followed him to the kitchen where his fianceé was and she greeted me with a long and warm hug. Sometimes I wondered if I were too obvious about my feelings. Or maybe it was Audrey’s fine sixth sense. “You look terrible, honey,” she commented with pity in her voice.
“Ah, I’m fine.”
Audrey narrowed her eyes at me, her free hand settling on her waist while the other held a wooden spoon. “Yeah, right,” she countered with the characteristic southern accent.
Zacky, who had sitted down at the table, turned to me, oblivious to the situation. “What happened?” I groaned to myself, knowing I was trapped. Patting the chair beside him, Zacky said, “Come sit.”
I did as he said while a sigh parted from my mouth. “Brian and I kinda had a fight.”
“About what?”
Audrey stopped what she was doing and leaned against the counter to listen to what I was saying. I flittered my gaze between the two of them before lowering my head to my lap. “About me not talking to him.” The truth could be cut short to this.
“Oh,” Zacky let out. “He spoke to me about it once.”
“Nice,” I scoffed.
Zacky’s soft laugh reached my ears and I swated at his arm. “Oh, come on! He’s my best friend. We talk.”
“I just need my space and time,” I defended. “He doesn’t get it. He can’t assume I’m gonna fall into his arms whenever something bad happens to me.”
“I think he can, and he does,” Zazky frowned. “He’s crazy about you. He can’t stand the thought of you being hurt and not open up to him. It literally eats him inside when you do that. When you shut him out.”
“I know that.”
Audrey shook her head and took the chair in front of me. “I know you’re used to be by yourself, Lara, but now you have Brian. He has to respect you, of course, but so do you. You’ve got to balance each other, even if that means having to give in sometimes.”
I knew she was right. I’ve always known it. Yet, I kept making the same mistake, over and over again. I just couldn’t help myself.
I nodded my head as to acknowledge I had gotten the message and she grinned. “Let’s eat now. You look like you haven’t eaten all day.”
“Yeah, I’m kinda starving,” I chuckled, getting up to help with the dishes.
Roasted chicken and rice had never tasted so good as they did today. I felt comforted and ready to drift off to sleep. “You can stay here tonight if you want,” Zacky said, sending me a wink. I smiled in return and found my spot in one of the couches, grabbing a pillow and hugging it to my chest. I had a lot on my mind but I was feeling better.
The three of us were enjoying a nice evening watching TV and occasionally sharing comments when the doorbell rang. My heart stopped for a split of second.
“I might have texted Brian,” Zacky stated, guilt scattering all over his face as he stood up from Audrey’s arms.
I gave him a pointed look and tried to calm down my frantic heartbeats. There was no use. As soon as I heard the door open I felt like throwing up. Audrey looked at me with sympathy, attempting to encourage me. Sadly, it didn’t work.
“What’s up man?”
I closed my eyes for a moment and took several deep breaths. Steps echoed then, sounding closer and closer until they stopped completely. I hesitantly looked up, seeing Brian not far from me. My walls came crashing all around me. I’d hardly ever felt so vulnerable as I did in that instant.
“Audrey and I are going upstairs. Just let me know when you leave,” Zacky said and I gulped.
“Alright.” Brian’s voice was tangled with sadness. It pained me. “You ok?” he asked me gently, once we were alone, sitting on one of the armrests of the other couch.
My eyes slowly lifted up to his brown ones, yet for no longer than a second. The way they burned into mine was too intense to handle. Brian seemed to notice my discomfort and moved to sit beside me, taking the pillow I was desperately holding onto and tossing it behind him. I was about to rest my hands on my lap when he grabbed one of them. His grip was tight and my heart tugged inside my chest, forcing me to look up at him.
There was no anger in his iris. No rage. Just honest concern. “You didn’t answer my question,” he murmured in a soft tone. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know, Brian,” I replied truthfully. “I’m just tired, really.”
None of us said anything for a couple of minutes. We just sat there, holding hands. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what he wanted to hear.
“You wanna stay here tonight and just… clear your head about today?”
“I…” I shook my head, stumbling over my thoughts and feelings.
“You wanna go home?”
“I wanna be with you.” Brian smiled, a smile that melted down my most strong barriers. I leaned into him and he circled his arm around me to pull me closer. His lips left a kiss on my head and I snuggled in. “I’m sorry,” I murmured. I was. So much. “I shouldn’t have hidden away.”
“You shouldn’t have.”
“I just…” I trailed off. Again I was lost for words.
“I know. I’m sorry too, Lara. I didn’t respect your space. I was just terrified for seeing you like that, so broken and… lonely.”
I closed my eyes at that.
Brian was good at comfort. His embrace was so tight, so warm and safe. In times like this I felt like punching myself for throwing him off when all he tried to do was love me. He did love me.
My thoughts were interrupted by his silky voice. “I forgive you, though. On one condition.”
I moved away just enough to see his face and sent him a quizzical look. “What’s that?”
Brian’s eyes glistened with mischief and he dipped his head to press a kiss to my lips. Not an innocent kiss, but a proper one that left me breathless and with cheeks warm. “I need lots of those today,” he murmured between soft pecks.
Chuckling, I surrendered to one more kiss before straightening up on my seat. He was smirking when I locked eyes with him again and my lips threatened to break into a smile. “I’ll see what I can do about it.”
*** Brian’s place came into view as we took the left turn to his street. I was eager to get inside and get into his bed. A good night of sleep was all I needed.
My stuff was still at his place, so while he disappeared into the kitchen, saying he needed to get something very important, I went to his bedroom to change to more comfortable clothes. I was walking toward his bed when his head sneaked in through the door. I laughed. “What you’re doing? Come in.”
He didn’t. Not right away. “Close your eyes,” he demanded.
“Why?”
He rolled his eyes, stepping out into sight. “Just close them, please.” He was hiding something behind his back, I noticed then. I craned my neck trying to see what it was. “Come on!” he scolded.
With a bottom lip out and arms crossed I finally shut my eyes. I heard his footsteps, one, two three, and before he reached me, I cracked one eye open and saw a bottle of my favorite whisky secured in his hand.
“You didn’t!” I gasped and he stopped dead in tracks just a few feet away from me.
“Are you serious?”
Was he referring the fact that I had opened my eyes too soon? I did not care. I ignored his rambles and moved in his direction to take the precious liquor from him. “Aw… This is so nice.” I rubbed my cheek in the bottle. “Why did you do this?”
He simply shrugged, smiling. “I figured we both needed a little bit of booze after today. I was saving it for some special occasion but…”
“What special occasion?” I cut in, intrigued and a bit scared I had to admit.
His lips curled into a smirk. “No idea. Who knows?”
Brian, Brian…
“Alright, let’s just drink, shall we?”
“Indeed,” I murmured, mostly to myself, before popping the top out. I took the first sip and let the bittersweet liquid wash my sorrows away. “God, this is good.” Brian snatched the bottle to him and I smiled a little.
We headed for the bed, sat down, and pulled the covers up to shield us from the cold. “You know…” I started once we were both settled and comfortable, “you and I and alcohol will not end up well.”
Humming over the taste on his lips, he turned his head to me and said, “I don’t see where this can go wrong.” We stared a little into each other’s eyes before cracking up. “You naughty, little girl,” he accused with fake shock.
“What?” I coughed out, “you were the one who started laughing.”
“Yeah, right.”
I slapped him on the chest. “Shut up.”
He did, for a while, and so did I. It was good sharing the silence with Brian. It was peaceful and welcoming after today’s stress and conflicts. I was still ashamed for my actions, for cowering away from my feelings like I was used to back in New York; back when I was alone, thinking of what I had lost when I moved from California and from Brian.
“We should toast,” he said, breaking me from my thoughts.
“We should?”
He looked at me with a warm smile. “To your father.”
I matched his grin with one of my own, though a bit sadder. “Even if he hated your guts.”
“Well, yes.”
I shook my head, laughing softly. “I don’t think he hated you. You just spoiled his only girl.”
Brian’s eyes widened in curiosity. “Spoiled, uh?”
I nodded. Johnny Walker was staring at me in the form of an orange drink, held safely in Brian’s hand. However, if we were having this kind of conversation right now I was going to need a lot of whisky to make it through.
At my lack of words, Brian continued to guess. “Like… I turned you into a bad girl?”
I had to smirk at that. “Uh-uh.”
Shrugging his shoulders, he said, “I regret nothing.”
“Me neither.”
We were about half a bottle down, so our vision was not so clear anymore, neither were our thoughts. Yet Brian turned to me with a seriousness I could not place and understand. He was a deep person when the alcohol over weighted the blood in his veins.
“What?” I slurred. I was way drunker than him, however.
“You should go visit your Dad’s grave.”
His words hit me straight in the guts. It made me sober up a notch. “You’re crazy.”
“No, I’m not. I think it’d do you good, actually.”
I sighed and shook my head. I didn’t want to discuss this. Not right now. We were way too happy with a bottle of whisky to speak of graves and deaths. On a second thought, though, if there was a time to talk about it would be with me beyond drunk. Maybe I would not remember it on the day after. “Brian-”
“Just think about it.”
“I don’t like cemeteries.”
Brian pushed himself closer to me and kissed my cheek. “I’ll go with you, Shorty.”
I took a long sip from the bottle and let the burning sensation dry my tears away. Were I about to cry? I shoved the whisky into his chest so he could take it and climbed onto his lap. Brian’s senses came to life at my approach and he quickly placed the bottle on the bedside table.
“You’re avoiding the issue by seducing me.”
“Yes,” I agreed as I stole a kiss from his lips.
“That’s dirty.”
I grinded against him and nuzzled the side of his neck. He smelled good. “Is wanting you dirty?” I murmured softly against his hot skin.
Brian’s breath hitched. “A little. I don’t mind.”
I pulled back and locked my eyes with his, seeing the lust already creeping on them. Not able to do put on any other move, Brian wrapped his arms around my back and pushed his lips against mine in a hungry kiss. He tasted sweet. And that was the last thought I had form in my head before I was consumed by the longing and pleasure of his touch.
I did not dream that night. But when I woke up I knew I had a serious subject to think about.
Notes
hope you enjoyed it :D
Lol, I have this problem where sometimes I skip a paragraph on accident. I read "Jimmy probably picked this song" after I read them touching each other with wandering hands, automatically thought "closer" by nine inch nails, and went back to check. XD this story is amazing
3/22/16