“I can’t believe you did this, Lara! Why would you leave like that?” My friend Jane yelled through the other side of the phone for the 10th time. With another roll of my eyes, I leaned back on the seat.
“Because I needed to do this for myself.”

“But tomorrow…” She hesitated, sighing, “You know what day is tomorrow.”

“That’s exactly why I did this.” I said bluntly.

A moment of silence followed and I could perfectly picture Jane shaking her head. “You know you’re insane, don’t you?”

A smile climbed up to my lips at her words. “You wouldn’t love me if I wasn’t.” I teased, stealing a small chuckle from my best friend.

“Just promise me you’ll be back soon. I’m gonna miss you.”

Sighing, I looked out of the window of the plane, seeing all of the workers getting the big machine ready to take off. And honestly, it got me nervous. It wasn’t the first time I travelled in an airplane, but it still didn’t get any easier. I shook the bad thoughts away and focused on Jane, who was still waiting for an answer, “Yeah, I promise, girl. I’m gonna miss the hell out of you, too.”

“Yeah right..” She scoffed.

I feigned shock, “Don’t you believe me? I’m deadly serious!” I chortled, being joined by Jane, who couldn’t help but laugh as well. “Just don’t tell my mom anything for now, okay?”

“What am I supposed to tell her, then?” She asked, desperation filling her voice, “You know I’m not a good liar.”

“Please, Jane. Just cover me up.” I begged, hoping that she would be able to make up some excuse to tell my mother, “This is so important for me.” She grunted on the phone, and if she was right by my side I would give her my best puppy dog eyes, but since she wasn’t, there was nothing left to do besides pleading with my voice, “Please..”

“Fine!” She said with a dramatic sigh, “What would you do without me, anyway?”

“Thank you!” I laughed, just to hear some complaining mumbles from her, “I owe you big.”

“You do.”

Just as the words left Jane’s lips, there was a warning on the plane telling every passenger to turn off their electronic devices. “Hey, I gotta go but I’ll call you when I land, alright?”

“Sure. And Lara?” She called hesitantly.

“Yeah?”

“Have fun.” She said.

A small smile graced my features as I took a deep breath, “I will. Thank you, Jane. For everything.”

“Nah, just leave it. I’ll see you soon.”

And with some quick goodbyes I hung up the call, shutting down the phone as recommended. It wasn’t long before the engines roared outside and the airplane started moving, heading for its specific runway. My heart pounded fast against the walls of my chest, and without noticing, my hands became sweaty and shaky.

With my eyes fixed on the window, I started thinking about the reason I felt this anxious. Did it have something to do with the travel itself or was it something else? I was flying across the country to visit my real hometown. The only place I had been truly happy – Huntington Beach, California. New York was okay. I had fun there and had met great people, Jane being one of them, but my once true friends, they all lived in California. And if I was honest with myself, I missed them. I missed those old times when nothing mattered and I was free to do whatever I wanted, when I was really me . And I wished with all my heart that those times would’ve lasted forever.

But all good things come to an end and this was no exception. Everything changed and I was not the same person who left Huntington Beach almost 8 years ago anymore. Maybe that was the main reason I felt so unsettled. Because I was about to relive the past and I was scared of the memories that might cross my mind, scared of the people I might have to face.

“Excuse me, would you like anything to drink?” The landlady asked politely, bringing me out of my deep thoughts. I diverted my gaze from the window, from the tiny roads below and the high clouds floating beside the airplane, and stared at the girl for a moment, processing her words, “Uhm..”

“Drink?” She repeated, grinning jokingly.

“Oh,” I let out a chuckle due to my embarrassment and nodded with my head, “Sure.”

“Tea, juice, or coffee?”

“Coffee, please.”

She rummaged through her trail and placed the cup of coffee in front of me, “If you need anything else don’t hesitate to call me.”

I replied with an almost inaudible thank you and she left me alone yet again. I sipped at the hot coffee slowly, my mind taking me back to old memories, and it was there that I remained, lost in a past that I longed for, a past that kept my heart from stop beating and kept me from falling apart.

It was only after a few but long hours that I started recognizing the land down there as I peeked through the small window. The sandy shore, the foam made by the wild waves as they crashed unmercifully, leaving the blue ocean in a blissful turmoil. I was fascinated with the feelings emerging within me, with the anxiety settling in the pit of my stomach. I never thought I’d feel so alive and so excited about coming back home.

The airplane finally started losing altitude, after the appropriate warnings to the passengers, and landed in a small amount of minutes easily. I walked through the airport and waited for my baggage. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait much time and was now heading to the exit.

I slid my phone to my ear, calling Jane. She was quick in picking up, “Hey!” She said cheerfully, “You in Cali already?”

“It appears that way,” I joked.

“Well, how do you feel? Does it feel strange?” Her tone held a bit of hesitance, but it was still full of excitement. That girl had too much happiness inside of her. I didn’t mind it, though.

Not having to put much thought in Jane’s question, I smiled, “Actually no. It feels refreshing and… I don’t know. I’m just glad I made this trip.”

And I was glad. Seeing the familiar buildings, the familiar roads made my body shudder with utter excitement. I started doubting my choice of leaving California in the first place, even if back in time it had seemed the right thing to do.

“Aw, I’m so happy to hear that. And I hope you find whatever you’re looking for.” Jane said.

Sighing, I nodded curtly, “I hope, too.” My eyes scanned for a place where I could take a cab and seconds later I spotted one, “Oh!” I ran toward the car, making sure I wouldn’t leave any suitcase behind, “Hey Jane, I’ll call you later, alright?”

She laughed lightly, probably knowing that I was struggling to keep talking, “Okay. Bye.”

The taxi driver knew exactly where I wanted to go as soon as I handed him the paper with the name of the hotel. It was a two star hotel but it was okay with me. My father knew the owner personally and I was sure I was going to be treated well.

The cab came to a stop and I glanced to my right, seeing the rather old building there in the same place it had always been. “We’re here, Miss.” The man in charge said, his voice raspy, worn by the age. He got out of the car while I counted the money to give him. By the time I hoped off the cab, my bags were already out of the trunk, lying on the sidewalk.

“Thanks.” I smiled genuinely and paid the driver, leaving a generous tip to which he was grateful for as his face lit up. When the man went back to his life, I found myself staring up at the hotel, me body suddenly frozen by the fears consuming my head.

I walked over to the entrance of the hotel, passing past the big doors and heading straight to the reception. I dropped my suitcases on the floor, my arms tired from the heavy transportation. “Mrs. Varzot?”

At the sound of my name I lifted an eyebrow and turned around, seeing the owner of the hotel, Mr. Miller, padding toward me. “Oh hey.” I greeted, a smile spreading across my lips almost immediately. He pulled me in for a hug, one that I returned gladly.

“It’s been ages. How have you been?” He asked, his hands resting on my shoulders as he studied my face, his brown eyes glistening with adoration. I always loved that man. He was like a second father to me.

“I’ve been good, Mr. Miller.”

“You disappeared after… you know.”

I lowered my head to the floor, pain rippling through my chest at the thought of my father. “Things got complicated with my mom.” It was all I said, before I looked back up to his face, just to see his gaze softening.

“I’m so sorry. It was a shock to everybody.” I nodded with my head, the words stuck in my throat. At my discomfort, Mr. Miller changed the subject quickly and grinned widely at me, “Well, but you’re here now and I want you to enjoy your stay. I’ll set you a room, come on.”

---

Today was the day that had marked my life forever. Eight years had gone by. Eight.

Saying that I was upset was an understatement. I could barely hold myself together, and I didn’t know how I was able to get up from the bed and walk down the beach. Today was one of those days where I just wanted to curl myself into a ball and stay inside the bed.

But for my own sake, I decided to go against my body will and follow my plan. Every year, I did the exact same thing on this day. I’d write a letter to my father, put it into a bottle, and throw it into the nearest sea, river, or ocean.

Well, being in California, it was pretty obvious that the chosen place would be the beach. And that’s where I was headed right at the moment. Stepping outside the hotel entrance, I felt the sun hitting my face, that welcoming heat kissing my pale skin, and even though it was Fall, California was still much warmer than New York. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, having missed the smell of the sea that I knew it wasn’t far.

My pace was slow as I made my way to the beach. I had no rush. To be honest, I wish I hadn’t come up with this stupid plan seven years ago. It was so painful, so heartbreaking to write down to my father. Some people would think it’d be therapeutic, but I wasn’t one of those people.

I just thought it was pointless. It wouldn’t change a goddamn thing and it only opened my wounds and made them hurt even more. However, I seemed to keep repeating the same routine every year.

Sitting down on the sand, I watched the bottle float away, carrying the letter that no one would ever read, carrying words that only my heart knew. I stayed on the beach for a little longer. When I felt sad, I liked to be alone. I liked to think about my life and about what I had achieved. It wasn’t much, but somehow it had been enough for me to carry on and go through life.

My stomach growled inside of me, minutes later, and I remembered then that I’d skipped lunch. But I was starving now. I had to eat something before my stomach ate itself.

I found a small restaurant near the beach that still served lunch and walked in. The waiter motioned a table for me and handed me the menu after I sat down. “Well, let’s see…” I muttered to myself, opening the menu and looking attentively through the many possibilities. I wrinkled my nose at some of them, but it wasn’t until I heard a somewhat familiar voice that my head raised instinctively, driving my attention away from the list in my hands.

“Maybe we should sign contracts with them. It would be good for the business.”

My eyes went wide at the sight in front of me and a wave of cold sweat crawled all over my skin, making me feel sick. I hid my face behind the menu, my breaths becoming labored and shallow as the panic settled in.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

I shut my eyes tightly, trying to control my nerves as they kicked in forcefully. What was I supposed to do now? Fighting the urge to stand up and run out of the restaurant, I stayed still, hoping the guys wouldn’t figure out who I was.

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.” The other voice said and it was there that I almost lost myself. I bit hard on my lower lip when a gasp threatened to assault me and my hand flew straight to my mouth to muffle any possible sounds that might cross my lips.

I couldn’t believe they were here. I couldn’t believe he was here. Why today? Just why?

His voice was still so smooth, so comforting, and it swelled my heart to know that he was still in Huntington Beach. Maybe I’d really have a chance to make up for what I did. I knew that when the time came, it would be an ugly conversation, but it had to happen sooner or later.

Deciding to sneak another glance at the guys, I slowly lowered the menu and peeked at Matt and Brian, both waiting for their orders at the counter, and chatting casually with each other.

No sooner did my eyes lay on them than my heart exploded with a feeling I couldn’t quite place, and if I was on my feet, I’m sure my knees would’ve buckled and I would’ve fallen right to the floor. I couldn’t tear my gaze away from them, though. They seemed so mature, so grown up, yet they still looked the same guys I had left a long time ago; and without noticing I was smiling like a fool, my eyes teary from all the emotions consuming every fiber of my body, from all the memories flooding my mind.

I started feeling overwhelmed by the situation and it got to the point where I couldn’t handle being in that restaurant one more second. I had to get out of there and the faster, the better. I was no longer hungry. I just needed to leave and get some fresh air before I blacked out. Dropping the menu onto the table I stood up, tilting my head to the opposite side to avoid any sort of eye contact with them as I headed to the exit.

“Excuse me, won’t you like anything?” The waiter asked from behind me, his voice showing signs of disappointment. I stopped dead in tracks and turned to him, forcing a smile to my lips.

“I’m sorry,” I said, glancing quickly to the side to see if the guys were distracted enough, “I forgot I had something to do.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, and to his dislike I nodded with my head. “Okay. Come back someday, then.” Smiling, he let me go and went back to work.

Just as I spun around to leave, I made the mistake of looking in Matt’s and Brian’s direction one last time. The shock I felt when my green eyes met Brian’s brown ones was unbelievable breathtaking. I didn’t know how I managed, but before I had time to think, I was running off the restaurant, my feet taking me as far away as possible from that place.

My heart beat frantically against the walls of my chest and I was having a hard time to breathe as I sped away, feeling like my life depended on that. Well, in some ways it did. I didn’t know if I was ready to face my old friends just yet, much less Brian. It was too soon. What would I say to them? What would I say to him ?

When I thought that I had run enough, I stopped and leaned against the closest wall, letting my head fall back as I recovered my breath. I was so tired.

“Damn it…” I breathed out, lifting my hand to rub the sweat from off my forehead. I looked around me to make sure that neither Brian nor Matt were anywhere near, and finding the coast clear, I sighed in relief. But for my own safety I decided to walk back to the hotel.

I couldn’t erase the image of Brian from my head, though. How his face lit up with recognition, how surprised he was for seeing me after all these years. One single look was all I needed to decipher his face; one single look that lasted less than five seconds and his feelings were all there for me to see. It scared me to know how easily I still read him. And it scared me even more the thought of him seeking me out now that he knew I was in Huntington Beach. What if he decided to come find me? What if he actually found me?

“Good evening.” I was pulled away from my thoughts by the receptionist as I crossed the entrance of the hotel. I replied with an awkward smile, not trusting my voice enough to speak.

Continuing my way toward my room, I realized that I still felt my legs jelly. I just didn’t know if it was due to the run or to the previous event at the restaurant that still lingered in my head. But whatever it was, it had gotten me completely exhausted, ever so that as soon as I kicked the door close I was throwing myself on the bed, draining out a deep sigh.

I might have fallen asleep, because the next time my eyes cracked open, the room was much darker. I hadn’t even realized the reason I woke up until I felt my pocket vibrating. I stuck my phone out and couldn’t help the groan that pushed past my lips at how lazy I was feeling.

Not looking at the screen, I picked up the call. It was probably Jane. Who else would it be, anyway?

“Hey, J.” I greeted.

“I’ve got funny videos and tons of jokes for you! How do you wanna start?” She asked, and for the first time today, I smiled.

“I’m okay.” I lied.

“Yeah right.” She scoffed, “Don’t go all strong and insensitive on me. I know you. I know you’re fucked up today. So… videos or jokes?”

“Jane..” I whined, “I know you’re worried, but I’m fine. It’s just another year.”

“Lara, seriously. Shut up. I may not be with you, but I’ll kick your ass when you get back.”

I rolled to my back, sighing. “Why are you such a good best friend? You should suck and leave me alone.”

“Yeah but I’m awesome and you love me. And you’ll do as I say.”

I chuckled yet again, finding it hard not to. “Fine. Go ahead.”

“Open your laptop and search for this on YouTube…”

Hours later I was still laughing my ass off with Jane. She was the only person who could bright my mood in a shitty day, and for that I couldn’t thank enough.

I wiped at the tears in my eyes, recovering from a huge fit of laughter I had been in. “Oh god, this is great.” I said, still hearing Jane’s laughs on my laptop. We opted for a Skype call after five minutes of talking because it would make more sense and it was easier.

“I told you these videos were really funny.”

I nodded, but said nothing. Jane noticed something was wrong, and I didn’t hide it from her.

“Come on.. Talk to me, girl. What’s in your head?” She asked, her tone relaxed and calm. One thing I loved about her was that she had this natural manner of not finding all situations a drama. She approached the problems one step at a time and she only panicked if the issue was really serious. Otherwise, she kept the conversation in the most plain and simple way, which for me was very helpful.

But in this case, I found the situation really serious .

Diverting my gaze away from her and pulling onto the ends of my shirt, I blew out a deep sigh. “I saw them.”

Silence settled in.

“Them?”

“Brian. And Matt.”

I wasn’t looking at her but I’m sure her eyes almost popped out of her face, just by the gasp leaving her mouth. “You mean.. the Brian?”

“That one.”

“Holy shit! Did he see you? Did you guys talk?” She burst out. And that’s when the calmness goes away.

“No. I mean… I saw him, he saw me, but that was it.”

“Why didn’t you talk to him? It was a great opportunity, Lara!”

I frown at her, “Really, J? You really think today was the best day to confront him? I was beyond scared. I was terrified. And I just… I wasn’t ready to see him. Not yet.” My voice cracked with emotion and the tears pricked at the back of my eyes. I didn’t want to cry. But today had been a very emotional day for me and it was starting to show.

“I’m sorry. You’re right.”

“No, it’s okay.” I wiped the tricky tears with my knuckles and sniffled slightly. “I don’t know if I can do this, Jane.”

“Of course you can!”

“I don’t think so.”

“Hey…” Jane called softly, “Look at me.” I did as she said and looked up at the screen. Her blue eyes welcomed me with sympathy. “I know it’s hard for you now, but I’m sure you’ll be able to do it. You’re strong and both you and I know how much you wanna sort this out.”

“But I’m so scared. What if they forgot about me? What if they don’t wanna talk to me and push me away? Then, I came here for nothing.”

“First of all, I don’t think they forgot about you. And second, you’ll never know how they’re feeling if you don’t go for it and talk to them.”

I pouted. Why had things to be so difficult?

---

Loud pounding on the door woke me up from my slumber. I narrowed my eyes at the sound, ready to yell at whoever was disturbing my precious sleep. I threw the covers away from my body and jumped out of the bed, stomping toward the door.

When I opened the door of the hotel room, I couldn’t believe my eyes for a moment. Right in front of me was one of the last persons I’d expected to see.

“Z-Zacky?”

“Lara! It’s really you!” He smiled, lunging forward and involving me in a bone crushing hug.

I stayed still, arms lying on my side, mouth hanging open. I didn’t know how to react to the situation. I heard Zacky talking but my mind couldn’t put the words together and form decent sentences. I was too shocked to think properly.

It wasn’t until Zacky pulled away and grabbed me by the shoulders that I descended back to earth. Those emerald eyes staring deeply into me brought back so many memories of my past, and within seconds I was wrapping my arms around Zacky and hugging him tightly to me.

I heard him laugh, but I didn’t care. I was so happy to have him there with me. I was so happy to know that he still remembered me, that he still liked me. “Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re here.” I whispered, my eyes drifting close in pure bliss.

“I’ve always been here. Now, I am the one surprised.”

“How did you know I was here?” I asked, stepping back and letting my eyes roam his entire figure for the first time in years.

“It’s a long story but I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to catch up.” He chuckled, probably noticing I was eyeing him up and down.

“So… you’re not mad?” I asked hesitantly, raising my eyes to meet his.

He turned just a bit more serious and took a seat on the bed, patting the spot next to him. I quickly followed him and sat down as well. “You see, I’ve had all these years to be mad and angry and upset. And to be honest, I was all of that yesterday. But…” He shook his head, “Fuck that, you know? I miss you and it’s been a fucking long time. I just thought that I didn’t want to waste my time with useless fights.”

My lips opened up with the biggest grin, and not helping myself, I tackled Zacky to the bed. I hugged him once again, feeling my heart swell with nothing but happiness. He laughed at my not so subtle move, but played along with me. We wrestled on the bed just like old times, like two little kids, and I couldn’t have had more fun than that.

In that moment, I knew I had made the right choice. Coming back to California was going to change my life forever.

Notes