I laugh as Owen tries to juggle three oranges, but he ends up dropping them on his feet and hops away with a sore foot. My laughs continue as I double over to pick up the fruit that will be apart of our breakfast. It's the middle of Christmas break for their Junior year of high school, and we're enjoying it as a wonderful family.

Just Owen, Sully and me. This is how it's always been. There have been a few guys, but they can't handle my sons. Not my sarcastic Owen and my crazy Sully. My two beautiful boys that have made the world so much better.

Well, there's Red, the little female Irish Setter I got for the boys for their birthday three years back. But that's all that's really changed.

And Brian ... we've been tense when together - but it only shows when we're alone.

I ruffle Owen's already-crazy hair. He gives me a one cheek grin, and I see his dimple. Just the sight of it makes my heart swell. Owen is definitely one that all the girls fall over at. I turn to Sully, and he's bobbing his head to the music that plays on the radio as he scrambles the eggs and mixes batter for waffles. He's always multitasking, always moving because he's Sully, and he's just like his father.

I smile and go over to kiss his head, having to get on my tip toes since he's so much taller than me. He grins and looks over his shoulder at me before going back to the food on the stove. I help Owen pull out plates and cups, and once they're on the table I can't help but finger the necklace the boys had gotten me for Christmas. It was simple, but it made me feel like the best mother in the world.

"Sull?" Owen says, looking behind me at to his brother. The spoon he was using to mix the batter is dropped to the floor and soon the bowl of batter follows. I spin around, staring in wonder at what happened. The sight before me causes the world to stop.

Sully is on his knees, one hand gripping at his chest as the other covers his mouth while he coughs up the blackest of blood. I'm moving without realizing, falling to my knees in front of him and trying to figure out what's wrong.

His chest -

He's coughing blood -

I can hear Owen yelling into the phone, finally getting a hold of 911 -

I'm shaking my son, trying to get him to answer me because I'm frightened and don't know what to do -

"Sully! Sully!" I scream, and he finally looks up at me. The coughing has stopped but there is blood still sliding down from the corner of his mouth.

"My chest," he groans, and its muffled by blood in his throat, before he falls forward onto my shoulder. I'm shaking him more, telling him to stay awake because if he doesn't I know he won't ever wake up again.

"Talk to me, baby. Tell me what hurts. You gotta stay awake." I'm pleading and begging and I don't know what else to do. Owen is off the phone now, but he's calling someone else.

"Brian!" Oh god, he's called Brian and I know he'll be freaking out too. Today is not a good day - today will always be a cursed day.

I can hear ambulance sirens getting closer, and I keep telling Sully to talk to me.

His chest - his chest hurts. Is it his heart? Is lungs? What's going on? Why is he hurting like this?

My front door is opened and in come two men with a stretcher. I'm looking up, but their faces are blurred from my tears.

"Ma'am, I need you to let him go so we can get him on the stretcher."

I don't want to let my baby go. He's my Sully, he's my baby boy and I refuse to let go.

"Mom, c'mon, you gotta let them help him," Owen tells me, grabbing my shoulders and pulling me away from Sully, but I don't want to let go. I'm screaming, but the two men have him laid out of the stretcher in seconds and are running him to the ambulance. I'm exactly on their heels, my eyes never leaving Sully's pain-stricken face.

They're putting him in the ambulance and I'm about to climb in when I hear a car come up behind us. I turn, ignoring all my neighbors as they look for what is causing the loud noise in our small neighborhood. Brian is getting out of the car, but when he sees Sully in the stretcher he goes stock still.

We had both talked about this day ever coming, and I prayed and wished it never did. He gives me a stern nod and gets back in the car, ready to follow us to Huntington General.

Owen gets in the ambulance with us, and we're going eighty miles down Main street. One of the medics is doing the basics needed - temperature, heart beat -

It's irregular, it always is. That fucking lump on his heart is about to ruin the life that I've known and cared for and cherished more than anything -

Owen is holding me while I grip Sully's hand like a vice. I'm praying, muttering to whatever God is fucking up there to give me a miracle and let this all be one bad dream that will never come true.

But we're at the hospital and I'm running after the medics as they rush Sully into surgery. I'm right behind them. I slip past the nurses with ease, and I'm actually in the room they'll be doing surgery when I see them rip his shirt open and start pumping his chest.

They're trying to get the blood out of his throat so he can breathe.

He turns his head, beautiful bright blue eyes looking directly at me. I'm frozen still, and I don't fight the nurse that pulls me out. He gives me a smile that reminds me of Jimmy so fucking much that I can't breath.

And then I hear the heart monitor go flat and the world has stopped spinning, and I'm still as stone.

The world is a cold, murdering place, and it's just taken my beautiful baby boy from me.

Owen looks at me - he has no idea what's going on. I see Brian running up from the corner of my eye.

The doors to the room open, and I catch a white sheet being placed over Sully's body and I finally let all that's been deep inside me.

My knees ache from dropping to the hard tile floor, and my tears are hot and quick down my cheeks. I've lost Sully. My heart hurts, my stomach is churning with sickness.

My fists ball up and hit the floor as I cry. Skin breaks and the blood paints a horrible picture under me. I've lost Sully. I'm screaming at the world for taking my son because I have no one else to scream out.

Sully was always a good boy - he took his medicine - he made perfect grades - his band was actually starting to get known now. My company had done a few videos for them. I've lost Sully. And my throat is dry from the screams I make.

Arms go around me. They're strong and inked and I know it's Brian. The doctor that came out is kneeling before me. His hands are covered in Sully's blood, and he's speaking to me, to Owen, to Brian, but we don't hear a thing. All I hear are my wails of pain and sorrow. I've lost Sully. And I want him back more than anything.

I've lost Sully.

Today is not a good day.

Today will always be a cursed day.

Today is December 28th.

And I've lost my darling baby boy.

Notes

Fucking cried like a baby writing this. But I had to. Something in me was screaming to write it.
Thank you all who have come along for this extremely short ride, but this is where I must end the trip.
I give you permission to hate me. I hate myself, too.