Am I too Lost to be Saved?

~Jimmy’s Point of View~

I looked over the happy sleeping couples while holding my new nephew tightly to my chest, with as happy as I was, especially with the way everything was going, I was getting kind of worried. I mean, yeah, Johnny and Anna a great together, and for sure even though they might have been moving too fast, but they’re totally capable of working shit out. I mean, anybody who could see them would know that, or I’m not the motherfucking knife master!! But still…

A little squeak came from the bundle in my arms, but no cries which I was kind of thankful for. I smiled down at Ezra and his grey eyes widened as he looked around the room. I kissed his nose and started bouncing him gently, hoping he’d go to sleep if I sang or something.

“You good little buddy? Huh? I’m good. Maybe you should sleep, bro. You gotta get your rest so you can grow big and strong... Like me! How ‘bout I sing you one of my favorites, huh? Maybe that’ll help. Yeah? Okay.
I’ve always been true, I’ve waited so long just to come hold you. I’m making it through, it’s been far too long. We’ve proven our love over time’s so strong in all that we do. The stars, they lend me their light to bring me closer to Heaven with you,” Ezra’s eyes slowly started to close, his tiny little mouth going slack, his fists loosening little by little. “I reach towards the sky, I’ve said my goodbyes, my heart’s always with you now. I won’t question why so many have died, my prayers have made it through yeah. ‘Cause with all these things we do, it don’t matter when I’m coming home to you.”

Aaaaaaand he was out! Score motherfucking one for The Reverend Tholomew Plague, bitches!

I leaned down to kiss Ducky warrior ninja baby’s cheeks, and felt Meghan’s fingers slowly make their way around my upper arm, and kiss my shoulder. I looked up to meet her eyes, and she smiled sweetly at me.
“What,” I whispered to her, but instead of saying anything to me, her smile just grew wider and she lifted her right hand to my face. Her fingers softly stroking my cheek, then tracing my lips, her face slowly inching towards mine.
‘Just another two more inches,’ I thought, my breath caught in my throat. ‘Please God make her come closer…’
“I love you Jimmy.” And that was it.

My lips met hers and my stomach filled with butterflies. “Ah, I’m going to explode!”
“I love you too, Meghan,” I said softly once our kiss came to an end.
She kissed me again, and almost as if we were drawn to him, our gaze slipped down to little Ezra.
“He’s perfect,” Meghan whispered, stroking his fat cheek with her index finger. I leaned down and kissed her head.
“He is,” I said quietly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a movement at the door.

“What the hell are you doing here?”
Heaven jumped at the sound of my voice, her sneer quickly fell from her face. I raised my eyebrow when she directed her gaze to me then to the baby boy in my hands. Just as she stepped forward, I handed Ezra to Meghan and stood up.
“What’s going on,” Val asked. I hadn’t noticed her wake up, and luckily she was the only one up besides Meghan.
“Not a thing,” I said, my eyes never leaving Heavens’. She had finally directed her stone cold glare to me once I had stepped out into the hallway in front of her and closed the door behind me. An uneasy feeling started to grow in the pit of my stomach as her eyes bore into mine. I’ve never known Heaven to cause someone pain intentionally, with the exception of the way she left Johnny, but the way she had been staring at that kid brought something else to light…

“What do you want, Heaven?” With as nervous as I was starting to feel, I was surprised my voice came out so forcefully.
Heaven’s gaze eased into a sad frown, and her eyes darted away from my face. “Jimmy,” she whispered before clearing her throat. “You know what I came for. Or who, more like it. You all knew I was coming back for him. Even he knew! Why didn’t Why couldn’t he wait for me?! I know that I was the one that left, but I needed time, Jimmy, I needed time! There was so much I had to do before that part of my life, so much I needed to figure out. I couldn’t just stop! You know I couldn’t! You know! Now I don’t know what to do! I quit everything Jimmy! Everything! I dropped it all to come back to him! I can’t go back now!”

Heaven’s voice got louder and louder as she spoke until she couldn’t hold her tears back anymore. The guys and I knew better than most that Heaven was never one to show her tears. Only a select few had ever seen her cry. Ever. Even out of our whole little crew here. Never had she shed tears in front of Matt, Bri, Michelle, or Zacky. Just me, Val, and, of course, Johnny. That’s why she’d fallen in love with him from the start. She wasn’t afraid to show him who she really was under her hard ass persona. But the thing was, as madly in love that she was with him, when Johnny had proposed to her she had turned him down and she left. Heaven wanted so badly to make her parents proud and become the ‘oh-so-wonderful-independent-educated-woman’ that every family wants their daughter to be. So she dropped her dream for the dreams of her parents. In my opinion, and the opinions of others, it was the worst choice she could have ever made. But it would have made her parents happy and that in turn would have made her happy… Only to an extent of course.

I pulled Heaven into a tight hug and let her cry into my shirt. Sobs shook through her body as she wrapped her arms tightly around my waist. “Shhh,” I said, rubbing her back as soothingly as I could manage through my agitation.

“I don’t know what to do now,” she cried. “I thought I could come back and fix everything, only to come back to this. It’s all bullshit! This girl shouldn-“
“No Heaven,” I cut her off before she said anything to really piss me off. “Don’t go there. You left, remember? If you knew that this was something you didn’t want to come back to, you should have at least called. From what I remember, Johnny tried to call you. He went on for the longest fucking time trying. All the way until YOU changed your fucking number and shit. That was all you! You cut off, not only Johnny, but all of us. Do you know how fucking shitty that feels?”

“Jimmy,” she said quietly.
I shook my head before she could say anymore. “No. I defended you for a long time Heaven. I tried. I really did. Even when Johnny was down and out. He was heartbroken and pessimistic. He didn’t think you’d ever come back. I denied that shit for a long ass time. And just when things started getting better for him again, you showed up. I’m sorry dude. I’ve tried, only for you to come here and talk shit about the girl that’s picking up the pieces. I can’t do that anymore. I love you man, but I can’t do that to Johnny.”

Heaven yanked herself from me and pushed me hard with all her might. My back hit the door loud thud, the knob dug into my spine with a small snap, and she planted her feet and clenched her fists. I looked at her incredulously and flinched when I heard movement in the room.
I pushed myself up from the door, a dull, numbing feeling in my muscles where I hit the doorknob. “Fuck,” I muttered.
“Really Jimmy,” Heaven yelled. Her eyes wide and wild with anger. “I helped you through your shit with that other slut, and I was the one to pick up the pieces with Johnny the first time. And this is how you all are going to repay me?!”
Meghan opened the door and jumped out, Val and Michelle right behind her. “What the fuck, dude?” Meghan stood in front of me, in stance and ready for whatever was going to happen. I put my hand on the small of her back. As I reached forward, I felt a sharp pain shoot up my back and grunted.
Meghan turned quickly to face me, her eyes going directly to mine. Michelle put her hand on my shoulder and reached for Val.
“Are you okay, sweetie,” she asked me quietly.
I nodded at her, trying to mask the pain in my back, but Meghan saw right through it and her eyes turned cold and hard.
Her head whipped right back to face Heaven, and a light growl erupted from the back of her throat. Heaven’s frown turned into a hard glare as she slowly inched towards Meghan. But my girl wasn’t having it. She stepped up to Heaven bravely and got in her face before shoving her back to where she was standing before.
“You better get the fuck out of here, bitch,” Meghan snarled. “And you better hope you didn’t fucking hurt Jimmy seriously. If you did, you better get your shit together and get to steppin’, ‘cause I will not hesitate to pummel your skanky ass into next fucking year, pinche puta desgraciada!”

Heaven looked disgusted, out of instinct, I grabbed Meghan’s wrist and pulled her back.
“Heaven, go,” Val said forcefully.
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME,” Heaven screeched. “ALL OF YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME? WHAT GOOD ARE ANY OF THEM? TELL ME, FUCKING SERIOUSLY DUDE!!”

“Excuse me ma’am,” a very angry looking nurse popped her head out of the room next to ours. “You are going to have to leave. Patients are trying to rest and-“
“FUCK YOUR GODDAMN PATIENTS,” Heaven yelled.
“That is enough Heaven,” Matt’s voice boomed, silencing all the commotion. “We aren’t pushing you away. If you don’t want to be here, that’s on you. You have always been welcome here with us. You know better.”
Heaven shook her head at Matt and started to cry again. “No,” she said, and with that she walked away hugging herself.

But with how well I knew Heaven, I could already anticipate her next arrival. We would see her again.

Notes

Well I'm back!! More chapters going up in just a bit! Sorry for keeping you all waiting:) I hope all is well <3