Am I too Lost to be Saved?

~1 Week Later~

Here we were in Brian and Michelle’s house, having a good laugh like always. I was in the kitchen with the girls, getting last minute dishes ready while the boys were out back, waiting on some other people to show up.

All day I’d been getting small glances shot at me by Johnny. And no, not those little looks you get from your boyfriend that make you think, ‘oh that’s so cute!’ More like, ‘what the Hell is this mothafucker hiding?!’ It wasn’t so much that I was angry, but worried. For some reason, ever since Michelle had invited us to this party, Johnny had been acting real strange. During the past week, if I’d asked brought up the party he would talk about it nonchalantly or completely shut it down. At first, I paid it no mind, but after a while it started getting weird and it was kind of bothering me. I was starting to wonder if he just really did not want to be here, because that’s the way it seemed.

Meghan told me not to worry about it. She and Jimmy had been there when Johnny blew me off about it once, and Jim got real pissed at first, but then said not there was nothing to be concerned about. Yet, today, no one bothered really to mention who it was that was coming over, which kind of got me freaked out, but I tried to keep calm.

I had just finished setting up the table when someone whispered into my ear, “Kiss me.”

I turned around quickly to see Johnny standing behind me, one hand holding a beer, the other shoved in his pocket. He looked at me with an unreadable expression. I raised an eyebrow and bit my lip, putting my arms around his neck to bring him closer to me. This is the FIRST TIME he’s spoken to me since we got here and that’s saying the least since we’ve been here for a long ass time.

“Oh,” I said quietly, looking away from his face, running a finger down his chest. “I was beginning to think you didn’t want to speak to me.”

From the corner of my eye, I saw Johnny’s face fall a bit. He took his hand out of his pocket and turned my head to face him with one of his fingers. He waited until my eyes met his, then he placed a kiss on my lips. “I’m sorry Anna,” He mumbled. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind. Not that it should excuse me not speaking to you, I just didn’t know what to say.”

I smiled softly at him and stroke his cheek. “Johnny,” I whispered, getting lost in his beautiful green-hazel eyes.
Finally he gave me the smile I’ve missed all day, ”Hmm?”
For some reason, I couldn’t get myself to speak above a whisper, but it felt perfect that way. “I love you,” I managed, as sweetly as I could of course.

Johnny opened his mouth to respond, but was cut short by someone laughing loudly in the front room. “Oh my gosh, it’s been so fucking long, dude!”

I laughed, and grabbed Johnny’s hand, pulling him with me to the living room to see what was going on. A girl, who had to be no older than I, with long blonde hair and a gorgeous smile, had her arms wrapped around Val, hugging her tightly and laughing. Behind me, Johnny tensed up when the girl pulled away from Val and began to introduce who she brought with her. Johnny stepped in front of me when the girl turned to look towards us.

“Johnny,” the girl asked, excitement clear in her voice. “Oh goodness, it’s great to see you! How is everything?”
“Hi Heaven,” Johnny said a little sadly. What the fuck? Was this what was on his mind?
“Heaven” walked up to Johnny, her smile wide, eyes shining. And before I could even think, ‘hey, this bitch is TOO damn close to my boyfriend,’ she wrapped her arms around his waist and kissed his lips.
I looked over to where Jimmy and Meghan were standing and everyone’s expressions were between shocked or angry.

“Fuck,” Jimmy said loudly.
“Uhm,” I tried not to be too loud, but failed. “Excuse me?”

Johnny pushed Heaven off of him and wiped his face, shifting to stand beside me. Heaven looked me over and put her hands on her hips for a moment before motioning to me to carry on, as if I had something to say to her.
“Hi,” it almost came out of her mouth as a question. “And you are?”

“His girlfriend,” was all I said. This bitch didn’t need to know anything more.

Heaven smirked at me, then smiled wide when she looked behind me at Johnny. “Did you make that,” she asked, pointing to my stomach.
“Hey man,” Brian interjected. “Cool it with the fuckin’ attitude. You’re in my house and that’s his girl, Heaven. What the fuck?”

Oh, I am getting so fucking tired of people referring to my kid like it’s some kind of Goddamn object.

Before I could say anything, Johnny grabbed my hand and pulled me away from her towards the door.
“Hey,” Brian yelled. “Guys, y’all don’t have to leave Goddamn it!”
“Nah, dude,” Johnny called back once we were at the car. “I’m sorry man. I gotta talk to Anna. I’ll call you later, okay?”
Brian grimaced, gave us a lazy wave, and turned around with his shoulders slumped to meet Michelle at the door.

By the time Johnny and I were half way to my apartment, we still had yet to address the issue at hand. He kept his eyes trained on the road, his hands gripped the wheel so hard that his knuckles were white, his lips were pursed, and his eyes were slightly squinted. I know I was making it very obvious that I was staring at him, and I know for sure he was getting annoyed, but I was trying to get him to say something without having to do so by starting.

“You have something to fucking say Anna? Say it already,” Johnny snapped, finally breaking under my stare. ‘Got ‘em.’
“Oh, I’ve got lots to say, Jonathan,” I spat. But I didn’t say a word. Johnny looked over to me and once he met my gaze, he rolled his eyes, realizing that I wasn’t going to confront him about it. Even after this, he started to ignore me again. ‘Really? What is going on?!’

I wasn’t stupid. He knew something was up, which was probably why he didn’t speak to me when we were at the party. I know I deserved an explanation, even though I didn’t know what exactly it was about. And why would this be such a big deal? Why did we have to leave exactly? I was pissed off over the kiss, but we could have settled everything then and there. But it was Johnny that dragged me out of the house and drove off. Not me! ‘Whatever then!’ I sighed heavily, crossed my arms tightly around my chest, and turned my body to look out the window. If he didn’t want to talk, then I won’t make him.

When we pulled in to the parking lot, I almost jumped out, tears welling in my eyes. My hormones were making everything so much worse, AND Baby is kicking and moving around like crazy! I grabbed my bag and hopped out of the car as quickly as I could once Johnny parked so that he wouldn’t see my tears fall. That would be so embarrassing and that is not something I wanted to deal with right now. Just as quickly as I had gotten out of Johnny’s car, I was up the stairs and in the apartment. I went straight to the bathroom and sat on the toilet, sobbing quietly, wishing I would stop crying since there was no reason to.

But there had to be, right? I mean, I just saw some random ass bitch kiss my boyfriend in front of me while he just fucking stood there and took it! I had to be the one to say something in order for her to stop! Really?! What the fuck!

Johnny’s knock on the door startled me, I almost peed myself from the sudden noise. “Anna,” he asked quietly through the door. “Anna, baby? Look, I’m sorry if I was really acting like a dick head back there. I didn’t think you’d feel like this baby. I’m sorry. Can you please open the door? Please?”

I wiped my face and slowly opened the door to see a nervous looking Johnny. I immediately hung my head. It was just an instant reaction. I mean, I may act like a hard ass, but when I know there’s something big like this coming up, I just can’t handle it. I know I’m not made for this kind of stuff.

Johnny’s fingers gently lifted my chin, and once my eyes met his they filled with tears. Johnny pulled me to his chest and started rubbing my back. “I’m sorry, Anna,” he said in my hair. “I’m so sorry baby. I really am.”
“Who is she, Johnny?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking even though I was afraid of what I was going to hear.
Johnny looked away from me and sighed. “She’s an ex- whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute, Anna. Wait,” he lifted his hands when he saw me starting to get angry. “Look, Heaven was a friend to all of us way before she and I were anything more! I swear to you! The only reason she came back was because she was in a bad spot and she missed us-“
“Oh, she fucking missed you alright,” I yelled, pushing him farther away from me. “She made REAL fucking obvious Johnny! She really did!”
“Look, I’m sorry, okay,” Johnny snapped. “I didn-“
“Is that why you were fucking ignoring me Johnny,” I cut him off yet again. I felt myself getting angrier, and angrier by the second.
“Look, I knew she was going to show up,” Johnny said slowly. “And I know how she is with me, but I. Am NOT. With her! I’m with YOU! And that’s all that should matter!”
“Then WHYdid you not do anything when she kissed you?!” I started to cry again. I just couldn’t help it. Why didn’t he do anything? I just couldn’t understand it.

“Anna! No! You-, you must have misunderstood,” Johnny stuttered. “Look, Bri wants to start over, okay? We’ll have another party, everyone will get together again, Heaven won’t be such a bit-“
“YOU WANT ME TO BE AROUND HER AGAIN,” I screamed. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME JOHNNY?! No. No. No, no, no, I’m not fucking doing it.”
“WELL I’M NOT GOING TO PUSH HER AWAY, ANNA! SHE NEEDS HER FRIENDS RIGHT NOW,” he yelled back.
“Clearly she fucking does, Jonathan,” I said sarcastically, wiping my face with the back of my hands.
“You know what,” Johnny said, backing off, with his hands up. “I’m not doing this. I’m going to go. If you change your mind, and stop acting like a fucking child, you call me. Okay?”

And with that he left. I didn’t know what to do, so I just went to lay in my room and cry.


L


Before I knew it, I was being woken up by my sister’s ringtone and a pain in my lower abdomen. I laid there and let the phone ring for a bit when I felt the same sharp pain hit me again.

I sat up quickly, hissing at the pain. ‘Ugh, Goddamn it Meghan.’
I answered the phone, annoyed, “Yes?”
“Where the fuck are you, Anna?” Meghan was slurring, and must have been real pissed. “Johnny’s over here with that stupid bitch, and where the hell are you, huh?”

My heart started to hurt, and the pain in my stomach got worse. I whimpered and strained to answer my sister. “I’m… I’m here at h-home,” I said, starting to cry. What’s going on with today?
I looked at the clock that read 8:35, and started to time the pains that were shooting through my body. My heart started to tighten with hurt.
“So you’re just going to fucking give him up like that,” Meghan attacked.
“No, Meghan, p-please, I-“ she cut me off in a drunken rage.
“NO! Shut the fuck up,” she yelled. “I CANNOT believe you right now. Just go back to doing whatever the fuck you were doing. I’m staying the night at Jimmy’s.”

Right when I heard the ‘click’ I felt another pain paralyze me. I gasped for air, and just then my phone started ringing again.

“Hello,” I said, sobbing and breathless.
“Anna?” Zack’s voice filled my ears. “I wanted to check on you since you weren’t here with… Johnny, and Meghan was angry. Is everything alright? You sound sick, love.”
“N-no. Can you come over h-here,” I cried.
“What’s wrong, Anna,” Zacky asked, concern flooding his voice.
I stood up to grab the baby bag I packed for the hospital and just as I grabbed the rail to go down the stairs outside of my room, another pain shot through me, knocking the air out of me.
“Anna,” Zack’s voice shook. “I’m gonna get on my way. Do you want me to ge-“
“No,” I said quickly. Trying to make my way out of the apartment as carefully as I could. “Just you, okay? Don’t tell anyone. Just you come…”
“O-okay, I’ll be there right now,’ he said before he hung up.

I made my way down the stairs safely, and sat there waiting for Zacky for what seemed like an eternity. The pains were coming much more frequently and a lot more intensely. I was trying to steady my breathing when I saw a pair of shoes stop in front of me. I looked up, feeling scared and vulnerable, and started crying when I was met by Zacky’s vibrant green eyes.

“Anna,” he asked quietly, helping me to my feet. “What’s wrong? Are you hurting? Did you fall? Did something happen?”
I looked at him dead in the eyes, and took a deep breath.

Notes

Well, let's see how this one goes...;)