Perfectly Reckless
Chapter 20
Columbus, Ohio – ROTR 2013
The 7 pm wind blew on my face and let my hair swayed softly as I stood on the balcony of my room, way up on the 13th floor facing the view of Columbus city. The traffic filled with honking noises here and there, eating up silence when that was the only thing I’m trying to find right now. The gang’s all here, waiting for a phone call from Kiss FM to interview us about the festival which had started since today.
“Hey, RJ asked if he could have the beer in your fridge.”
I quirked around and found Joe was standing next to me, resting his elbow on the balcony rail. I chuckled and sneered at him.
“Yeah he can do what he wants. As long as he pays for it.”
“Hah. Better not tell him that or he’ll buy the whole hotel.”
I laughed. Yeah RJ and his money. He would buy the world if he can. Partly because we grew up in a manner that we both had to share our things, had to skip meal because we don’t have that much money. Plus when we were on the road in the early days of Halestorm, we basically had to rent instruments until dad bought for us using his retirement fund. I smiled at that memory.
“So, what’s up with us, really?” Joe began again after seeing me laughing and smiling to myself like an idiot.
“Us? What’s up with us?”
“Yeah. What’s up with us?”
“What is it that up with us?”
He rolled his eyes. “Lzzy don’t twist my words. You know what I mean. You’ve been avoiding me ever since that day at the Hard Rock Hotel. Sometimes I get the feeling that when we kissed, you only do it for the show.”
Woah. I definitely did not expect that from Joe. And to think he was saying all that in a calm motion, it’s just…baffled me.
“No, Joe! What makes you think that?”
He let out a big sigh and leaned his back against the steel barrier.
“Then tell me why the hell are you still running from Matt?”
I knew I had to face this question from him sooner or later. I managed to avoid these situations from emerging so far but right now I had nowhere to run.
“Look, the thing is..me and Matt..we-”
“Lzzy! It’s on! Come on!”
Wesley called from the couch in the living room and I was saved by the bell again. I just hoped that Joe will let this go. But part of me felt like I owe him an explanation. A really good one.
~*.*~
After we finished the interview, the guys decided that they were going to grab dinner. I chose not to go because I wasn’t feeling too well and also, I don’t want to bump into someone that I shouldn’t downstairs. Wesley wanted to stay with me but I encouraged her to go with the boys. She needed to blend in with them especially RJ since they both looked pretty awkward with each other’s jokes.
They left about 20 minutes ago and I had done nothing but flipping through the TV channel where I finally stopped at Spongebob Squarepants rerun with my boxers and my oversized Scissor Happy tshirt on.
I was laughing at what Patrick said about his own mind mechanism when I heard a knock on my door. Wow, they’re back early! And did Wesley forget her key or something? I flopped out bed and hurried to the door, unchaining the metal before I opened it.
A gush of wind blew me when somebody suddenly barged in and landed his lips on mine. Claiming me hungrily. Long haired, calloused hand and touching me all at the right places on my neck.
“Matt?” I moaned in between kisses. He pulled away and stared at me. OH SHIT.
“Matt..?”
OH SHIT. “Joe..I..I..I thought..”
Joe looked really angry. Like really angry, his eyes were about to pop out from its socket or something. He reeked of alcohol. Was he..drunk?
“We REALLY need to talk, Lzzy.” He kicked the door shut behind him and stepped forward. My God, I’ve never seen him this angry before. He was always the calm and collected guy and I was always the reckless one.
“I’m…” I can’t think of anything to say. I’m sorry? Should I apologize for what I thought I see? Or what I feel?
“What really happened between you and Matt? Tell me!”
“Joe, I can see that you’re drunk right now. And it’s not a good time to talk about it.”
“Alright, then tell me when’s the good time for you? You’ve been avoiding my questions about him forever, Lzzy. We’ve been dating for almost 3 years and not once I see your eyes brightened up to me like when you saw Matt.”
“Okay, calm down Joe. We’re going to talk when you’re sober. You’re not going to remember any of this conversation anyway.”
“Even better. I don’t want to remember anything at all. If I can erase everything from my mind, I would Lzzy.”
We both stood still, drenched in silence. He breathed hard and rubbed his face a couple of times.
“Fine. If you don’t wanna tell me, fine. I don’t give a fuck either.”
He turned away to leave and I just don’t have the heart to keep him in the dark anymore. I don’t know why the fuck but right now everything fell into place when I remembered about the song that Joe wrote in our current album. Private Parts.
Baby forgive me, did I do something wrong?
(I don’t wanna talk, can’t we just let it go?)
What could be so bad that you’d leave me hanging on?
(I’m not doing times, this is not the scene of a crime)
I lay in bed at night contemplating, why the hell you gotta keep me waiting?
All this while, I just sang it without really knowing that the song was made for me. I kept him in the dark all along. He begged me not to yet I kept letting him go. I was the part in the lyrics that James Michael sang and Joe was the part that I sang. Realizing this, my heart shattered like a broken glass.
“Joe.”
He stunned in his steps. He didn’t turn to look at me. I ran up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“I’m sorry. I’ll tell you everything.”
He turned around and I brought him to the bed, as we sat on the edge and I clasped his hand in mine.
“What happened between me and Matt was,” I took a deep breath. “We had a one night stand.”
Joe raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything. I took another deep breath.
“And the reason I was running from him is because…I can’t seem to get it out of my head.”
Silence fell between us. I couldn’t look him right in the eye. Few moments later he pulled his hand away from mine. Before he could say anything, I continued;
“But it was much more than that. I hated him because he was engaged at the time. He didn’t tell me that his fiancée was a crazy bitch who would slap any woman that slept with him and called her a freak.”
Still Joe didn’t respond. His sheer concentration fell on the floor.
“I was drunk, Joe. He was too. What was I supposed to tell you? It’s all in the past anyway.”
“You’re afraid that you might end up sleeping with him again, isn’t it?” he suddenly spoke, his eyes still on the ground.
“I didn’t say that..”
“What am I to you, Lzzy?”
I staggered at this sudden question. I couldn’t find the right answer to it.
“You’re…my best friend.”
“Fuck I knew it.”
I closed my eyes tight, my hands reached out to touch him but he quickly got up from the bed. I withdrew and sighed heavy, regretted everything at once. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. He was my other half, like a family to me. And what I’m doing right now, is hurting him.
“Doesn’t matter anyway. He’s married. And he thinks I am too.”
“What? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, I don’t think of him that way. It was just a onetime thing and I’ll try really hard to get over it. I just want you to be patient with me, Joe. I don’t wanna lose you as a friend. And I’m trying to upgrade that to a boyfriend.”
“We’ve been dating for 3 years.”
“Yes, and I realized not once I ever treated you as a boyfriend. And I’m sorry for that. Forgive me?” I got up from the bed and gave him the puppy eye. I knew he was a sucker for it just as I was when he was the one who did it.
He suppressed a soft laugh and took me in his arms. “Lzzy, I love you.”
I froze in it, bearing a bewildered expression. My mind was literally blank. Flashing images of someone with a dimpled smile running through my mind. I don’t know why. I reached up for his lips instead of replying with the same three words and he was more than happy to accept me.
“They’re gonna be back in a few minutes. We have to be really quick.”
I chuckled bitterly and cursed inside my head countless times. Why of all moments, now had to be the time for my head to wind up memories that I had with Matt? Why?
Please universe, interpret this for me!
The 7 pm wind blew on my face and let my hair swayed softly as I stood on the balcony of my room, way up on the 13th floor facing the view of Columbus city. The traffic filled with honking noises here and there, eating up silence when that was the only thing I’m trying to find right now. The gang’s all here, waiting for a phone call from Kiss FM to interview us about the festival which had started since today.
“Hey, RJ asked if he could have the beer in your fridge.”
I quirked around and found Joe was standing next to me, resting his elbow on the balcony rail. I chuckled and sneered at him.
“Yeah he can do what he wants. As long as he pays for it.”
“Hah. Better not tell him that or he’ll buy the whole hotel.”
I laughed. Yeah RJ and his money. He would buy the world if he can. Partly because we grew up in a manner that we both had to share our things, had to skip meal because we don’t have that much money. Plus when we were on the road in the early days of Halestorm, we basically had to rent instruments until dad bought for us using his retirement fund. I smiled at that memory.
“So, what’s up with us, really?” Joe began again after seeing me laughing and smiling to myself like an idiot.
“Us? What’s up with us?”
“Yeah. What’s up with us?”
“What is it that up with us?”
He rolled his eyes. “Lzzy don’t twist my words. You know what I mean. You’ve been avoiding me ever since that day at the Hard Rock Hotel. Sometimes I get the feeling that when we kissed, you only do it for the show.”
Woah. I definitely did not expect that from Joe. And to think he was saying all that in a calm motion, it’s just…baffled me.
“No, Joe! What makes you think that?”
He let out a big sigh and leaned his back against the steel barrier.
“Then tell me why the hell are you still running from Matt?”
I knew I had to face this question from him sooner or later. I managed to avoid these situations from emerging so far but right now I had nowhere to run.
“Look, the thing is..me and Matt..we-”
“Lzzy! It’s on! Come on!”
Wesley called from the couch in the living room and I was saved by the bell again. I just hoped that Joe will let this go. But part of me felt like I owe him an explanation. A really good one.
~*.*~
After we finished the interview, the guys decided that they were going to grab dinner. I chose not to go because I wasn’t feeling too well and also, I don’t want to bump into someone that I shouldn’t downstairs. Wesley wanted to stay with me but I encouraged her to go with the boys. She needed to blend in with them especially RJ since they both looked pretty awkward with each other’s jokes.
They left about 20 minutes ago and I had done nothing but flipping through the TV channel where I finally stopped at Spongebob Squarepants rerun with my boxers and my oversized Scissor Happy tshirt on.
I was laughing at what Patrick said about his own mind mechanism when I heard a knock on my door. Wow, they’re back early! And did Wesley forget her key or something? I flopped out bed and hurried to the door, unchaining the metal before I opened it.
A gush of wind blew me when somebody suddenly barged in and landed his lips on mine. Claiming me hungrily. Long haired, calloused hand and touching me all at the right places on my neck.
“Matt?” I moaned in between kisses. He pulled away and stared at me. OH SHIT.
“Matt..?”
OH SHIT. “Joe..I..I..I thought..”
Joe looked really angry. Like really angry, his eyes were about to pop out from its socket or something. He reeked of alcohol. Was he..drunk?
“We REALLY need to talk, Lzzy.” He kicked the door shut behind him and stepped forward. My God, I’ve never seen him this angry before. He was always the calm and collected guy and I was always the reckless one.
“I’m…” I can’t think of anything to say. I’m sorry? Should I apologize for what I thought I see? Or what I feel?
“What really happened between you and Matt? Tell me!”
“Joe, I can see that you’re drunk right now. And it’s not a good time to talk about it.”
“Alright, then tell me when’s the good time for you? You’ve been avoiding my questions about him forever, Lzzy. We’ve been dating for almost 3 years and not once I see your eyes brightened up to me like when you saw Matt.”
“Okay, calm down Joe. We’re going to talk when you’re sober. You’re not going to remember any of this conversation anyway.”
“Even better. I don’t want to remember anything at all. If I can erase everything from my mind, I would Lzzy.”
We both stood still, drenched in silence. He breathed hard and rubbed his face a couple of times.
“Fine. If you don’t wanna tell me, fine. I don’t give a fuck either.”
He turned away to leave and I just don’t have the heart to keep him in the dark anymore. I don’t know why the fuck but right now everything fell into place when I remembered about the song that Joe wrote in our current album. Private Parts.
Baby forgive me, did I do something wrong?
(I don’t wanna talk, can’t we just let it go?)
What could be so bad that you’d leave me hanging on?
(I’m not doing times, this is not the scene of a crime)
I lay in bed at night contemplating, why the hell you gotta keep me waiting?
Everytime I try to get a little closer,
You shut down and the conversations over
I’m right here but you leave me in the dark
Show me your private parts
Give it up baby what are you afraid of?
Love sucks when you don’t know what it’s made of
We get naked but I can’t undress your heart
Show me your private parts
All this while, I just sang it without really knowing that the song was made for me. I kept him in the dark all along. He begged me not to yet I kept letting him go. I was the part in the lyrics that James Michael sang and Joe was the part that I sang. Realizing this, my heart shattered like a broken glass.
“Joe.”
He stunned in his steps. He didn’t turn to look at me. I ran up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“I’m sorry. I’ll tell you everything.”
He turned around and I brought him to the bed, as we sat on the edge and I clasped his hand in mine.
“What happened between me and Matt was,” I took a deep breath. “We had a one night stand.”
Joe raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything. I took another deep breath.
“And the reason I was running from him is because…I can’t seem to get it out of my head.”
Silence fell between us. I couldn’t look him right in the eye. Few moments later he pulled his hand away from mine. Before he could say anything, I continued;
“But it was much more than that. I hated him because he was engaged at the time. He didn’t tell me that his fiancée was a crazy bitch who would slap any woman that slept with him and called her a freak.”
Still Joe didn’t respond. His sheer concentration fell on the floor.
“I was drunk, Joe. He was too. What was I supposed to tell you? It’s all in the past anyway.”
“You’re afraid that you might end up sleeping with him again, isn’t it?” he suddenly spoke, his eyes still on the ground.
“I didn’t say that..”
“What am I to you, Lzzy?”
I staggered at this sudden question. I couldn’t find the right answer to it.
“You’re…my best friend.”
“Fuck I knew it.”
I closed my eyes tight, my hands reached out to touch him but he quickly got up from the bed. I withdrew and sighed heavy, regretted everything at once. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. He was my other half, like a family to me. And what I’m doing right now, is hurting him.
“Doesn’t matter anyway. He’s married. And he thinks I am too.”
“What? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, I don’t think of him that way. It was just a onetime thing and I’ll try really hard to get over it. I just want you to be patient with me, Joe. I don’t wanna lose you as a friend. And I’m trying to upgrade that to a boyfriend.”
“We’ve been dating for 3 years.”
“Yes, and I realized not once I ever treated you as a boyfriend. And I’m sorry for that. Forgive me?” I got up from the bed and gave him the puppy eye. I knew he was a sucker for it just as I was when he was the one who did it.
He suppressed a soft laugh and took me in his arms. “Lzzy, I love you.”
I froze in it, bearing a bewildered expression. My mind was literally blank. Flashing images of someone with a dimpled smile running through my mind. I don’t know why. I reached up for his lips instead of replying with the same three words and he was more than happy to accept me.
“They’re gonna be back in a few minutes. We have to be really quick.”
I chuckled bitterly and cursed inside my head countless times. Why of all moments, now had to be the time for my head to wind up memories that I had with Matt? Why?
Please universe, interpret this for me!
@RyeBellamy
You're very welcome
7/29/18