Perfectly Reckless
Chapter 16
Hard Rock Hotel Café, 2013
I knew sooner or later I’m gonna bump into him here. Never thought that it would be today. Shit. Just shit.
His hair grew long as he still trending that backwards baseball cap on his head – just as I did. His eyes hidden behind his aviators – at least mine was taken off. He wore a black t-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts with flip flops – I don’t wear my heels today, just a pair of Vans.
We were both in disguise but I’m guessing his disguise wasn’t working out from the marker pen in his right hand and a piece of notepad in his left. A fan waited behind him as we stared at each other with the little kid in between us.
“M?” the fan tapped him.
“Oh sorry.” He continued to sign the notepad and gave it back to the fan. “Here you go.”
Then he turned to me. I stood up straight and started to worry about Joanna. What took her so long in there?
“Hi.” He greeted, picking up the kid and let him rested in his arms. I’m guessing again, that’s his…son?
I don’t know what to feel right now. Angry? Frustrated? Disappointed? Happy? All mixed into one bowl of confusing feelings and my expression just bloated into nothing.
“How are you doing? It’s been a long time.”
I wanted to answer him, I really do. But my throat got stuck and I just stood there in silent.
“Mommy, I’m done!” Joanna came out from the bathroom and I thanked her silently. I picked her up in one swift movement and just walked away from there. I saw his puzzled glare but I refused to say anything to him. I just wanna get home.
“Joe, we gotta go.”
“Huh? But I just ordered..”
“Fuck that. We have to go.”
“Matt.”
He glared at me for a second before turning his attention to the road again. Joanna is sleeping soundly at the back. Gosh, kids are so easy to fall asleep aren’t they?
“God, Lzzy. Are you still avoiding him? Is there something going on between you two that I don’t know about?”
I didn’t answer him. I just pulled away my gaze out the window and ignored that question. Joe didn’t know about that one night stand. He just knew about my hatred towards Matt implied by our vulgar messages to each other and they didn’t use my scream in their song.
“You need to sort this out Lzzy. Metal industry is not that big you know. Sooner or later you’re gonna see him again. And rumors about us being enemy with them just spread out on the internet like a virus. I don’t have any problem with them. So do RJ and Josh. It’s just you.”
I crossed my arms tight on my chest and once again, ran away from his eyes. He stopped the car when we reached the zoo’s parking lot and I quickly unbuckled my seatbelt. He grabbed my arm suddenly, preventing me from leaving.
“Talk to me Lzzy.”
I turned to him, watching his puppy-like eyes begging for my answer. God, I’m a sucker for those eyes. But right now I can’t feel anything but anger. Meeting Matt just now really rose up this angst within me. I didn’t have the heart to tell Joe the truth.
“I just hate him, alright? End of story.” I wiggled my arm away from him and got out of the car. I was about to take Joanna from the backseat when Joe ran around and blocked me.
“There’s gotta be a reason why.”
“GOD! JUST STOP ASKING ME! I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT SO QUIT FUCKING ASK ME OKAY?!”
I screamed at him. My best friend. M guitarist. My boyfriend. Why the hell does Matt affected my life like this? It’s been fucking 10 years. Why can’t I just let it go?
Joe looked startled as I opened the back door and lifted Joanna up in my arms. She was still sound asleep when I walked to my car and put her in the passenger seat next to me and buckled her up. From the rearview mirror I saw Joe was still standing beside his car, frowning and frozen as I sped my car away and left him there. I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that. I really shouldn’t. But I shouldn’t have let myself exposed in front of Matt again. I gotta be strong, at least for myself.
~*.*~
RJ and Jessie’s Apartment, Manhattan - 2013
Joanna ran to her mother once I settled her down on the floor in RJ’s apartment. From the echoed sound that emerged within the house, I guessed that he was downstairs in the basement, smashing his drums away while Jessie was cooking in the kitchen, preparing lunch maybe. I said hi to Jessie and went straight for my brother.
He smashed his drums rapidly and didn’t realize my presence there. Naturally I picked up a Gibson Explorer – my Lzzy Hale custom made guitar that I earned after our self-titled album reached platinum and started plugging in. RJ finally noticed me, he stopped playing and yanked the headphones away from him.
“Hey, Lzzy. How was it? The date with my baby daughter? And Joe?’
I sighed and turned my body away from him, but still shredding on power chords on my guitar. “We fought. Joe and I.”
“What? Again? What is it about this time?”
“Not really his fault. I just bumped into someone I wasn’t expecting to see, and I kind of yelled at him for it.”
“Who?”
I took a long time to answer this. Fidgeting with the tuning pegs, pulling the strap until RJ smashed his drums to startle me from roaming my thoughts away.
“God Lzzy! You’re killing me! Who??”
I took a deep breath and answered him. “Matt.”
“Wow! Out in the open? I mean, doesn’t he always get surrounded by fans wherever he goes?”
I shrugged, remembering the fan that waited for his autograph earlier. Yeah, they are a big name now. When they do shows, they do it majestically. With pyro effects and brilliant lighting, life sized sculptures and skeleton figures on stage to match their theme and logo. While Halestorm would just have out name printed big in the background and that’s it. We don’t really want to sell our stage decorations, we sell our music.
“Did you know that he has a son?”
“Really? I did not know that. Shit I haven’t been in touch with them since that last phone call we made.”
I can still remember it freshly in my mind, like it happened just yesterday.
We dialed Johnny’s number and put it on speaker. It was ringing for a long time, I thought he wasn’t going to answer it. But then suddenly he picked up.
“Hello..” he said groggily, a sniff escaped from his tone indicating that he was crying before.
“Hello, Johnny. Lzzy here. We heard what happened. We’re really sorry. How are you holding off?”
“Oh, hey Lzzy. Thank you for calling. I’m fine. But, not really.”
“Johnny, we want you to know that whatever happens, you can count on us for anything, okay?” I spoke, my eyes returning to RJ who buried himself in his bunk and sobbing hard.
“Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind. Um, Jimmy’s funeral is this Sunday. You can come if you want.” He sniffed again, coughing a little bit after.
“We’d love to, but we can’t. We’re on tour right now, Johnny.”
“Hmm, okay. Never mind. We missed you guys. Hope we can still see each other after this.”
I looked at Joe and Josh who had been listening to our conversation for a while. Josh didn’t really know them personally and he only knew them by name.
“I hope so too.” I replied and actually lied, because I didn’t want anything to do with them anymore, as long as Matt is still there.
As you have guessed, that was the last time we actually spoke to each other. After that both Halestorm and Avenged Sevenfold got busy being ourselves. Avenged released an awesome album called Nightmare, approximately a year after Jimmy’s death and I can say that the album was by far my favorite from them. I’ve been listening to them purely because of their music.
“Lzzy?”
I leapt out of my memories and flashbacks when RJ snapped his two fingers in front of me.
“Yeah, what?”
“Jessie said the lunch is ready. Where have you gone off to? I swear you were here earlier.”
I laughed and slapped his back, putting my guitar on its stand in this basement and flung an arm around his shoulder.
“I hope Jessie made spaghetti. Cause it’s my fucking favorite!”
~*.*~
My Apartment, Bronx, NY - 2013
Just as any rock star would do, they would hang out at a bar somewhere in the city and get hooked up with a stranger and leaving him or her alone in the next morning. But I’m not like that. On a night like this I would just put on my oversized Metallica tee with no pants on and just sit on the couch, flipping through the TV.
Nothing interesting really coming from there so I’d rather let my mind wandered off to the incident happened earlier today. Matt has a son. And his son is so fucking adorable, with a set of dimple just like him. His eyes hazel-green, copied exactly from his genetics except for that baby’s nose. That would totally from his wife. I wondered did he ever think of me when he and his wife would –
DING DONG!
Suddenly my doorbell rang. I jumped from the couch and ran for the door. There stood in front of me, my boyfriend, Joe. God I couldn’t stay mad at him for long because he’s my best friend. He gazed down to my exposed legs and swallowed in his throat.
“Listen, Lzzy. I’m sorry, for pushing you like that. I should have-”
I quickly pulled him in for a kiss, a long forgiven kiss and he granted access to my tongue almost immediately. This is what a boyfriend and girlfriend do, right?
But I’m not sure if this is love.
I knew sooner or later I’m gonna bump into him here. Never thought that it would be today. Shit. Just shit.
His hair grew long as he still trending that backwards baseball cap on his head – just as I did. His eyes hidden behind his aviators – at least mine was taken off. He wore a black t-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts with flip flops – I don’t wear my heels today, just a pair of Vans.
We were both in disguise but I’m guessing his disguise wasn’t working out from the marker pen in his right hand and a piece of notepad in his left. A fan waited behind him as we stared at each other with the little kid in between us.
“M?” the fan tapped him.
“Oh sorry.” He continued to sign the notepad and gave it back to the fan. “Here you go.”
Then he turned to me. I stood up straight and started to worry about Joanna. What took her so long in there?
“Hi.” He greeted, picking up the kid and let him rested in his arms. I’m guessing again, that’s his…son?
I don’t know what to feel right now. Angry? Frustrated? Disappointed? Happy? All mixed into one bowl of confusing feelings and my expression just bloated into nothing.
“How are you doing? It’s been a long time.”
I wanted to answer him, I really do. But my throat got stuck and I just stood there in silent.
“Mommy, I’m done!” Joanna came out from the bathroom and I thanked her silently. I picked her up in one swift movement and just walked away from there. I saw his puzzled glare but I refused to say anything to him. I just wanna get home.
“Joe, we gotta go.”
“Huh? But I just ordered..”
“Fuck that. We have to go.”
~*.*~
“You saw who?” Joe said, sternly when we got into his car and he was driving us back to the zoo to fetch my car from there.“Matt.”
He glared at me for a second before turning his attention to the road again. Joanna is sleeping soundly at the back. Gosh, kids are so easy to fall asleep aren’t they?
“God, Lzzy. Are you still avoiding him? Is there something going on between you two that I don’t know about?”
I didn’t answer him. I just pulled away my gaze out the window and ignored that question. Joe didn’t know about that one night stand. He just knew about my hatred towards Matt implied by our vulgar messages to each other and they didn’t use my scream in their song.
“You need to sort this out Lzzy. Metal industry is not that big you know. Sooner or later you’re gonna see him again. And rumors about us being enemy with them just spread out on the internet like a virus. I don’t have any problem with them. So do RJ and Josh. It’s just you.”
I crossed my arms tight on my chest and once again, ran away from his eyes. He stopped the car when we reached the zoo’s parking lot and I quickly unbuckled my seatbelt. He grabbed my arm suddenly, preventing me from leaving.
“Talk to me Lzzy.”
I turned to him, watching his puppy-like eyes begging for my answer. God, I’m a sucker for those eyes. But right now I can’t feel anything but anger. Meeting Matt just now really rose up this angst within me. I didn’t have the heart to tell Joe the truth.
“I just hate him, alright? End of story.” I wiggled my arm away from him and got out of the car. I was about to take Joanna from the backseat when Joe ran around and blocked me.
“There’s gotta be a reason why.”
“GOD! JUST STOP ASKING ME! I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT SO QUIT FUCKING ASK ME OKAY?!”
I screamed at him. My best friend. M guitarist. My boyfriend. Why the hell does Matt affected my life like this? It’s been fucking 10 years. Why can’t I just let it go?
Joe looked startled as I opened the back door and lifted Joanna up in my arms. She was still sound asleep when I walked to my car and put her in the passenger seat next to me and buckled her up. From the rearview mirror I saw Joe was still standing beside his car, frowning and frozen as I sped my car away and left him there. I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that. I really shouldn’t. But I shouldn’t have let myself exposed in front of Matt again. I gotta be strong, at least for myself.
~*.*~
RJ and Jessie’s Apartment, Manhattan - 2013
Joanna ran to her mother once I settled her down on the floor in RJ’s apartment. From the echoed sound that emerged within the house, I guessed that he was downstairs in the basement, smashing his drums away while Jessie was cooking in the kitchen, preparing lunch maybe. I said hi to Jessie and went straight for my brother.
He smashed his drums rapidly and didn’t realize my presence there. Naturally I picked up a Gibson Explorer – my Lzzy Hale custom made guitar that I earned after our self-titled album reached platinum and started plugging in. RJ finally noticed me, he stopped playing and yanked the headphones away from him.
“Hey, Lzzy. How was it? The date with my baby daughter? And Joe?’
I sighed and turned my body away from him, but still shredding on power chords on my guitar. “We fought. Joe and I.”
“What? Again? What is it about this time?”
“Not really his fault. I just bumped into someone I wasn’t expecting to see, and I kind of yelled at him for it.”
“Who?”
I took a long time to answer this. Fidgeting with the tuning pegs, pulling the strap until RJ smashed his drums to startle me from roaming my thoughts away.
“God Lzzy! You’re killing me! Who??”
I took a deep breath and answered him. “Matt.”
“Wow! Out in the open? I mean, doesn’t he always get surrounded by fans wherever he goes?”
I shrugged, remembering the fan that waited for his autograph earlier. Yeah, they are a big name now. When they do shows, they do it majestically. With pyro effects and brilliant lighting, life sized sculptures and skeleton figures on stage to match their theme and logo. While Halestorm would just have out name printed big in the background and that’s it. We don’t really want to sell our stage decorations, we sell our music.
“Did you know that he has a son?”
“Really? I did not know that. Shit I haven’t been in touch with them since that last phone call we made.”
I can still remember it freshly in my mind, like it happened just yesterday.
We dialed Johnny’s number and put it on speaker. It was ringing for a long time, I thought he wasn’t going to answer it. But then suddenly he picked up.
“Hello..” he said groggily, a sniff escaped from his tone indicating that he was crying before.
“Hello, Johnny. Lzzy here. We heard what happened. We’re really sorry. How are you holding off?”
“Oh, hey Lzzy. Thank you for calling. I’m fine. But, not really.”
“Johnny, we want you to know that whatever happens, you can count on us for anything, okay?” I spoke, my eyes returning to RJ who buried himself in his bunk and sobbing hard.
“Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind. Um, Jimmy’s funeral is this Sunday. You can come if you want.” He sniffed again, coughing a little bit after.
“We’d love to, but we can’t. We’re on tour right now, Johnny.”
“Hmm, okay. Never mind. We missed you guys. Hope we can still see each other after this.”
I looked at Joe and Josh who had been listening to our conversation for a while. Josh didn’t really know them personally and he only knew them by name.
“I hope so too.” I replied and actually lied, because I didn’t want anything to do with them anymore, as long as Matt is still there.
As you have guessed, that was the last time we actually spoke to each other. After that both Halestorm and Avenged Sevenfold got busy being ourselves. Avenged released an awesome album called Nightmare, approximately a year after Jimmy’s death and I can say that the album was by far my favorite from them. I’ve been listening to them purely because of their music.
“Lzzy?”
I leapt out of my memories and flashbacks when RJ snapped his two fingers in front of me.
“Yeah, what?”
“Jessie said the lunch is ready. Where have you gone off to? I swear you were here earlier.”
I laughed and slapped his back, putting my guitar on its stand in this basement and flung an arm around his shoulder.
“I hope Jessie made spaghetti. Cause it’s my fucking favorite!”
~*.*~
My Apartment, Bronx, NY - 2013
Just as any rock star would do, they would hang out at a bar somewhere in the city and get hooked up with a stranger and leaving him or her alone in the next morning. But I’m not like that. On a night like this I would just put on my oversized Metallica tee with no pants on and just sit on the couch, flipping through the TV.
Nothing interesting really coming from there so I’d rather let my mind wandered off to the incident happened earlier today. Matt has a son. And his son is so fucking adorable, with a set of dimple just like him. His eyes hazel-green, copied exactly from his genetics except for that baby’s nose. That would totally from his wife. I wondered did he ever think of me when he and his wife would –
DING DONG!
Suddenly my doorbell rang. I jumped from the couch and ran for the door. There stood in front of me, my boyfriend, Joe. God I couldn’t stay mad at him for long because he’s my best friend. He gazed down to my exposed legs and swallowed in his throat.
“Listen, Lzzy. I’m sorry, for pushing you like that. I should have-”
I quickly pulled him in for a kiss, a long forgiven kiss and he granted access to my tongue almost immediately. This is what a boyfriend and girlfriend do, right?
But I’m not sure if this is love.
Notes
A/N: gahhh now i'm really out of chapters..will get back to you again on Monday okay XD
@RyeBellamy
You're very welcome
7/29/18