Katie’s POV

What the actual fuck was that?
I pulled my hand out of my soaked panties and sat up. My heart was racing in my chest, like in my dream, and shivers of pleasure shook my body.
It was freaking me out, to be honest. This guy in my dream, he was more a stranger than Jeremy was but then again, I felt like I was belonging to him, that something more connected us. Groaning I plopped back into the pillows and grabbed one to cover my face with. This dream just showed that my head couldn’t keep up with my body.
With a heavy sigh I felt for the phone next to me and switched it off. I slowly pulled the pillow off my face and stared at Jeremy’s phone. It made me wonder where my own stuff was. According to Jeremy, we had been on our way to Europe for a tour when I got shot, so I must have had my bag and a suitcase with me.
With a frown on my face I got up and walked up to the bedroom door. My soaked panties felt weird between my legs and it reminded me once again of this nice but sort of disturbing dream. Just thinking of the stranger’s hands all over my body made me go crazy for him all over again.
Shaking my head to get rid of the pictures in my head I opened the door, only to find the hotel room empty. My eyebrows arched up in wonderment but at least I hadn’t had to explain my funny way of walking. I wobbled up to our bags and looked for something to wear. I found a shirt, jeans and underwear that was clearly mine and hurried to the bathroom.
Of course my mind wouldn’t stop running around in circles while I took a shower. It seemed like those scattered puzzle pieces were coming together slowly but surely, giving me a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something about this whole situation didn’t feel right but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I liked Jeremy a lot; he was my savior after all. Not to mention Ivan. Both of them have been wonderful friends and had been with me from the beginning. But then again, if I was such a nice person as they made me believe I was, why hadn’t any of my friends come to visit me? I have spent four months in one and the same building and no one else but Jeremy and Ivan had cared to check on me. Besides that, Jeremy has never really talked about my friends and how they were. Yes, I knew about Elly and my family back in Germany but this situation still felt pretty strange.
With a light headache I stepped out of the shower cabin and shivered. My skin, covered in goose bumps now, was steaming in the cold air of the bathroom. I didn’t care to wrap myself in one of the fluffy towels. Instead I stepped in front of the sink. In the huge mirror above it I saw a skinny girl with grey-blue eyes that looked back at me in frustration. Water dripped down her wet red hair and ran down her bare back – it has gotten pretty long in the last few months. Her skin was pale as the full moon and it was covered in silver and pink scars. I watched her lifting her right hand to trace the still swollen scar above her left breast.

“… I love you, Katie. I love you so much. Please … stay. We’ll work it out. Together.” The guy from my dream was stumbling over his words, he was talking so fast. His eyes looked desperately into mine, begging me to stay. Funny thing, the more scared he got the calmer I got. I cupped his cheek and looked him deep in the eyes.
“I can’t stay, Brian. Moving in with you was a mistake and …”
“No!” He cut me off. “It wasn’t. I swear! I need you, Katie. Please!” Brian grabbed my hand and held it tightly against his cheek.
“We just went through every phase of a relationship, in a matter of three months. That’s not normal.” I said softly, my thumb caressing his cheek.
“Don’t leave me …” He said quietly.
“I’m not. I just need time to figure things out. We need to figure things out. And maybe we will find a way to get back together but right now … I need this break.”
“Katie …”
“I love you Brian. I love you so much.” I said cupping his face with both my hands. “You are everything in my life. And that’s why I have to go. Or otherwise it’ll destroy us.” I kissed him softly and felt his free hand pulling me closer to his body.

“Katie? Baby girl, are you ok?”
Jeremy’s voice pulled me back to reality. Gasping I held onto the cabinet and tried to steady my stumbling heart that was racing under my shaking palm. This memory was so intense. It felt so incredibly real. Our pain, our love … this guy from my dream – Brian – was more to me than Jeremy ever could be. I looked up into my pale face, still panting. I needed to get out of here. Now.
Shaking like a leaf I dried myself off and got dressed. I couldn’t be bothered with body lotion now or blow drying my hair. With my heart beating in my throat I stepped out of the bathroom and spotted Jeremy sitting on the couch.
“Hey baby.” He smiled but this time I couldn’t return it. Instead I felt the urge to run away from him. Of course he saw my distress and got up with a frown on his face.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” He took a step towards me but I backed away, which made him freeze.
“Nothing. I just … I want to go out. Can you tell me where my bag and purse is? They must have taken it to the hospital when I got shot.” I was trying so hard to say all this with a steady voice but a part of me knew that I was failing miserably.
“Of course they did. But where do you want to go? I can take y-“
“No!” I cut him off, “No, I’m fine. I just need some space, ok?” I said and stepped to the suitcases to look for my bag. When I did I just grabbed it without checking its content and hurried to the door.
“Don’t worry, Jeremy. I’ll be back.” I said without looking at him and without waiting for his reaction I pulled the door to the hotel room shut.
The elevator took me to the lobby and from there I ran outside, afraid that Jeremy might follow me. I clutched my bag to my chest while I hurried to the very first cab that came into my sight. I jumped inside and closed the door harshly, making the driver jump.
“What the …?”
“Please, just take me away from here.” I said and looked at him pleadingly. I didn’t even know if I had enough money to afford a trip without a destination in a cab. That’s when I heard someone call my name and when I turned around I saw Jeremy running out of the hotel.
“Please, sir, just drive.” I urged him once more and when he realized what was going on he started the car and sped off.
“Oh, missy. That was pretty close. Have you called the cops?” He asked as we drove towards the freeway.
“No … no police …” I said and held my head. This headache was getting worse but at least my heart was slowly calming down again.
“It’s ok. I’ll take you down south for now. Just don’t puke onto my seats, ok? I just had them cleaned.” The driver said gently and I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Don’t worry. Besides this headache I feel fine.”
“Are you sure? You’re pretty pale. Doesn’t look healthy, if you ask me.” I caught him glancing at me through the rearview mirror.
“It’s a long story. I just want some peace …” I said softly, hoping I wouldn’t hurt his feelings.
“Alright, I got the hint.” He smiled and focused back on the road.
I was glad that he wasn’t asking any questions. He just drove down the Pacific Coast Highway, the radio was playing some rock song and I had the chance to calm my raging heart and mind.
After a long while of watching palm trees and beaches flying by I looked down to my bag and decided to check if I had enough money to pay the driver. Roaming through it I found my phone, keys, deodorant, a small makeup bag with the essentials in it and some headphones for my phone. The next time I reached into it I finally found my purse but when I pulled it out a purple envelope with dark stains on it stuck to its soft leather. Forgetting about the money completely I gently ripped the paper off my purse and opened it with cold, sweaty hands. The heavy paper felt expensive underneath my fingertips and I was curious what I was about to see. As I unfolded the paper I realized that this was a letter and somehow the thin and quick writing with black ink seemed familiar.


Huntington Beach - May 10

Dear Katie,

I’m writing you this letter, sitting in the café where we went to on our first date almost a year ago. I also got the same table and ordered your favorite ice cream. It seems like it was yesterday that we came here to enjoy the sun and those amazing feelings that we shared.
But now I’m sitting here with the chair opposite of me empty, the ice cream cup untouched and I ask myself why I did all this to myself. I had been so incredibly happy and I didn’t know what to do with all those butterflies in my tummy. Right then, I could have never imagined that we would end up like this. All I do is thinking of you and the dreams I had, that will now never come true because I was such an idiot.
Of course I know that what I did was absolutely stupid; not just keeping things from you but everything that came along with my ex-wife. I know that I have hurt you beyond imagination and this knowledge makes me so indescribably sad.
You’re probably asking yourself why I didn’t tell you in the first place. Well, that’s not so easy ... wrong! That’s just another lie! Because it is easy, if I swallow my stupid masculine pride! And this is what I’m doing now! And when I do this, then there is nothing left but this incredible emptiness and sadness.You saved me from a very dark place, my love, where not even music could reach me. This place had striped me of everything I’ve held dear but then you came along and you gave it back to me. I don’t know how you did it but you helped me see the light again; you gave me a purpose. But once I was whole again and seeing what an amazing woman you are I grew scared.You are so beautiful, Katie. Inside out. You didn’t know me but you put all your energy and faith into me regardless. You’ve washed me, you’ve nursed me, you were there when I had pushed everyone away from me. I knew from our first kiss that I would die the cruelest of deaths when you would decide to leave me. That’s why I tried to keep all the bad stuff away from you, so you would stay. But obviously this plan did backfire.Katie, I don’t know what to do. I miss you so much. Every part of me is longing for you. I miss your sweet scent, I miss your soft skin, I miss your laugh and your singing. I miss your puffy eyes and the light touch of your cold hands when you wake up next to me in the morning.I wanted a little Katie with you – or five, that would have been something. And when you told me we were pregnant, even if it was unexpected, I was the happiest man alive. I didn’t deserve it but hell, I couldn’t wait to see your belly and our baby grow. After all that has happened, I saw this a sign for a new start.Then you told me you have lost it, that our little peanut was gone … I wanted to stab myself. Seeing this dream shatter right in front of me, hurt so incredibly bad. But it was wrong to accuse you because like you said, it was entirely my fault. I did this to you and left you alone to deal with it. Not just physically but also emotionally.I know I did all these things and believe me, I hate myself for them. But be sure that I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I didn’t do it on purpose or because I didn’t love you, no. I was just too naïve and too stupid to believe that, no matter what, we would be together forever.But now you are gone and I miss you so much. I know you need time, and I will give you all the time you need, but please know that you are my life. I want to grow old with you. I want to sit in the park and feed the stallion ducks while I hold your hand. I want your face to be the last thing my eyes see before I leave this world to be with my brother in heaven.

I can’t be without you, Katie!

Please … come back home.

Love, Brian


I had tears in my eyes when I clutched the letter to my chest. This was probably the most beautiful letter I had ever received; although most of its content made me feel sick to my stomach:

What did Brian do to me that made him write such a letter?
What has his ex-wife to do with it?
I had been pregnant?
And I had lost the baby because of Brian?

I was so overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions that I urged the driver to pull over. At first he was confused as hell but when he noticed a light greenish color on my face and my hand over my mouth he hurried to follow my wish. As soon as the car had stopped I opened the door and threw up the little breakfast I had earlier that day.
“Aw man, just in time.” The driver said and leaned back in his seat while he took off his baseball cap to wipe some sweat off his forehead.
“Sorry.” I mumbled and wiped my mouth with a tissue from my bag.
“Hey, no worries.” He said gently and handed me a small pack of mint gum.
“Thanks. At least I know where I want to go now.” I said after taking one and handing him back the pack.
“And where would that be, missy?” He shot me a crooked smile as he started the engine again. I looked down to the letter and let my fingertips brush over Brian’s signature.
“Huntington Beach.” I said softly. It was time to go home.

Notes

I'm so sorry that I kept you waiting for so long. My life has been so busy and other things kept my attention from writing. Fortunately I managed to break free from those distractions and I believe that I can update more regularly now.

I hope you enjoy this update. Please let me know what you think <3