Ghouls

I leapt up in my bed so I sat; sweat dripping from my body as I tried to catch my breath after the horror of a nightmare. I shook, shivered in my skin as I desperately tried to rid the images from my mind. A demon... a ghoul seemed to posses my thoughts; the gruesome profile of a grey-haired devil, with glowing red eyes, plastered my eyelids; his face appearing every time I blinked. I shook heavily, the fiend from my childhood dreams slowly fading as I turned to my bedside table to grab my phone. First, I checked the time; 2 in the afternoon, I sighed in defeat before realizing I had several missed calls and texts from Cam and Jade, probably due to my late antics the night before, as well as a few texts from Brian and one from Jimmy. I read Brian’s first, too worried to read what Jimmy had to say. Brian’s all seemed to be asking about tonight and that he was looking forward to seeing me, which made me smile... until I saw his last text which simply read: ‘are you okay?’ It could have just been general, considering I hadn’t been answering him... or, Jimmy had told him. The later thought making me panic and shake as tears came to my eyes; if Brian knew it would break him; me and Jimmy both knew that, so why would he tell him?

L: Sorry I haven’t replied; ive been uber busy at work but yeah, Im looking forward to tonight too! :) ... what do you mean am I okay? Im fine :) xx

I text him back, worried of his reply before opening Jimmy’s message. It read:

J: what have you got B for his bday? I forgot and don’t want to double presents.. x

Confusion washed over me; the text had been sent after the night on the cliffs; this morning in fact, what was he up to?
Before long, I got another text in from Brian,

B: ah, great; cant wait to see you.. and no real reason; you just hadn’t replied and idk.. i was worried :) xx

L: oh, okay, well, ive got to get ready.. i’ll see you tonight :) xx

I quickly replied before flicking back to Jimmy’s text, thoughtfully answering him.

L: ive got him some pink shoes... its a bit of a private joke; i’ll explain tonight... are we okay? x

I shook in apprehension as my phone buzzed with another text.

J: oh? Hahahahahaha okay, thanks.. and yeeaah ?? why wouldnt we be? x
Upon reading the text, my worry grew, what was he playing at? Did he not want to talk about everything we said? Was he so serious about our ‘secret’ that he couldn’t text me about it? Was he trying to forget it? ... Or embarrassed about telling Brian? Either way, I was getting worried and confused.

Thoughts pounded my mind like a gorilla pounds its chest. My eyes began to well as I curled up and began to rock... a childhood coping mechanism for when I found myself scared, in a situation that I wasn’t going to get out of or when I was going to be hurt. I rocked more violently, almost tipping over, as the hellhound of my ongoing nightmares reclaimed my thoughts. I sobbed lightly in terror as my door slowly clicked open. My childish memory told me it was the beast and that I should scream, which I did, only to be met with Jade’s warm, but concerned, face standing in the doorway with a cup of coffee.

“Hey, are you okay?” she asked, worry coating her soothing voice. She entered the room, closing the door before sitting on the edge of my bed, her soft hand holding my knee to stop me from rocking.

I wiped my eyes before I lied, “yeah, just a stupid nightmare,” as it wasn’t just a nightmare; it was the recurring nightmare that chilled me to the bone ever since I was young; the nightmare that came back and back again to haunt me every time I thought things might be going well; the nightmare that continues to plague every aspect of my life, in one way or another. On top of that, my emotions were still on a rollercoaster regarding Zacky and Brian.. and the situation with Jimmy was confusing and upsetting me even further; the last thing I needed was to open up to him, however little I did so, for him to now ignore me and tell everyone.

“Awwwh,” Jade looked sympathetically, “well, why don’t you drink this coffee, relax, take a shower, get something to eat and doll yourself up and make sure you look good for Bri’s party? I know how much you seem to like him, especially after all he did for you with Zack, and I’m pretty sure he really likes you too,” she suggested, handing me the coffee, a friendly smile lining her beautiful face.
“Yeah, will do,” I tried to sound convincing in my confidence as I attempted the same friendly smile, failure stopping me; knowing I looked more like drowned roadkill in comparison to her and that was on a good day.

“Okay, I’ll cook up some sausages and egg for sandwiches and you’ll join us for your breakfast, yeah? Even though it’s gone 2 in the afternoon!” she winked, smiling that same beautiful smile that made my stomach unfortunately churn with envy; she was so naturally pretty.

“Yeah, sounds great,” I told her, taking a sip of the coffee rather than trying to smile again; my face ached and was stiff from the tears.

“Okay,” she said, patting my knee before exciting the room.

Tears slowly fell down my face. I didn’t really know why I was suddenly so so envious of Jade; I’d always been jealous of her natural beauty and intelligence but lately it seemed to be getting worse; like there was some red/green monster of hate that amplified my jealousy and made me nasty and upset. Jade had always been the perfect woman... human even; she was naturally stunning, big, brown eyes, smart, perfect figure, perfect housewife and friend.. and girlfriend; she was a fantastic cook, she was easy to console in and she was kind and loving to everyone. Whereas me? I lied to my only friends. I let everyone take advantage of me, and then blamed myself. I hurt the ones I cared about most and even after I move away, the ghosts of my past follow and I ruin it all again. Already, I didn’t like who I was becoming. Maybe it was because I was close to Cam? I loved him, but he reminded me of home which led me to reliving the darkness I fought through back in England. I finished my coffee and decided I needed a place for myself; somewhere where I didn’t have any reminders of my past and where I could really start afresh.

I headed for the shower, leaning in to turn it on before gradually undressing. Steam began to fog the mirrors as the shower powered. Despite the mist on the glass, I still managed to catch a glimpse of my scar-ridden body. My head snapped away from the reflection, my eyes closing to hold the tears, sick climbing to the top of my throat, making me gag. I swallowed the puke, not wanting to let myself empty my stomach at, what most would consider a seriously petty thing. I stepped into the shower, eyelids still shut tight until I was stood beneath the impending water. My tears seemed to fall faster than that of the spray of the shower, making visibility limited. I washed my body best I could before turning off the shower, stepping out and finding a towel. As I dried my body, the mist on the mirrors faded. My head tilted up, expecting to still find fog on the glass, but found my own face. My eyes were red from the heat and the tears, my face drooped and pale, hair tangled beyond belief. Stomach contents seemed to rise in my throat quicker than I could apprehend, making me spew into the sink before me. I continued to hurl as tears, yet again, found my eyes; disgusted that I’d done it...again. As I finished, I wiped my mouth on my towel, my eyes looking everywhere but the mirror. I took my toothpaste and toothbrush, quickly washing my mouth before throwing on some pants, a pair of cotton shorts and a largely oversized Metallica shirt.

I stumbled down the stairs, wavering from left to right I guessed from both being sick and the alcohol I’d consumed the night before.

“Hey, glad you could join us!” Cam called before looking at me, “shit, Lau, you look terrible! Are you okay?” he asked concerned.

“Oh, wow, thanks Cam.” I retorted, not in the mood to joke with him, slamming myself down onto a chair at their large dinner table that was placed just behind the staircase, out of sight to those first entering the house.

“Jeez, what the fuck’s up with you, pissy pants!?” he asked, getting angry at my foul mood.

“I’m fine! Fuck sake!” I shouted, quickly losing my temper, standing up to charge out of the room.

He quickly placed a hand on my shoulder, putting me back in the chair, “whoa, no! You’re NOT speaking to me like that! What the fuck is up?! You come back all on your own on a Thursday night at dawn, pissed as all fuck! Don’t get up till gone 3 in the afternoon looking like you’ve been on some crazy drug that’s instantly made you pale and sickly! Jade says you’ve been having nightmares!” he shouted, rubbing his face as he slightly calms, becoming more concerned than angry, “just, why are you being so bitchy and snappy all of a sudden? What’s going on?” he asked, looking straight into my now hot, red, tearful face.

“I’m fine.” I spat, “and I didn’t come home alone last night; I came home with Jimmy.”

“You fucking didn’t!” he was growing angry again.

“Yes I fucking did! How would you know?! You were asleep, you prick!”

“What?! I dragged you up the fucking stairs! You were so damn pissed you couldn’t crawl up them, never mind walk!” he shouted.

Rather than being upset, I was confused; I was sure I wasn’t that drunk and I was sure Jimmy brought me back, “I’m fucking done with you, I’m going out. Jade, I’m sorry he’s being such a dick.” I turned to Jade, both our faces filled with tears.

I got up to leave, calling Hudson as I grabbed his lead and my keys.

“Hey, I’m not fucking done with you!” Cam called just as I opened the door.

I slowly turned to face him, “you’re not Dad, Cam. You have no authority over me... I’ll be back when I am,” I hissed as I left the house.

I jumped into my car and got Hudson into the passenger side, wondering how Jimmy got home if he left my car here. Too angered to grab my phone and text him to ask, I turned on the ignition and blasted the radio, speeding down to the beach. I planned I was either to do some house hunting or just walk around town to calm myself down...maybe both.

I parked up at one of the small car parks along the boardwalk and got out of the truck, going round to the passenger side to put Hud on his lead. I began to walk to find the nearest estate agents, wiping the tears from my cheeks; me and Cam very rarely fought. As in, the last time I remember us having an argument was when I was 17 and he wouldn’t let me visit him here in Cali and as we were now 22 and 23, rare really was... rare. It also made us a Hell of a lot more upset than we needed to be; we were so close it seriously hurt us both whenever either of us were upset and when it was each other that caused it, guilt washes us both; despite how angry I was with him, all I wanted to do was apologize and hug him; even then I realized I’d been a bitch; I knew it happened and I never stopped myself; I just felt like shit afterwards... it tended to be how I hurt everyone; I mouthed off and upset them and immediately apologized, making them not believe me and think worse of me and I was sure Cam would think it too; we’d fought in the past but nothing like this; he was new to my violent outbursts which is probably why he was asking so many questions; everyone at home would just accept I’m in a foul mood and leave me be; I guess it was because Cam actually cared about me that he asked; no one else ever did.

Before I knew it I came across an estate agent. I rubbed my face as I peered into the window, looking at the houses and apartments in the area, sighing as I looked at the prices; most too much for me to spend.

I screamed as I felt someone grab my ass, “hey, sexy. Nice outfit!” a husky-voiced male chuckled at me. I span around to find the stranger as he swiftly spun me into a hug, kissing the top of my head. I was pressed against his chest, his one arm wrapped around my waist, my eyes closed in fear; not recognizing who this man was.

He chuckled again, “hey, what’s up with you?” he asked, a smile evident in his voice as it suddenly became familiar. My eyes peeled open as I looked at the arm that he didn’t have holding me, seeing it was holding a thin, brown lead with a small, white, fluffy Maltese on the end; Brian. I instantly grinned; glad I’d run into him; he always had a way to cheer me up.

“Awh, Happy Birthday, birthday boy!” I told him, my hands rubbing his chest. My head lifted, my eyes meeting his beautiful brown ones, examining his brilliantly defined face that, oddly, dropped as he looked into my own face.

“Lauren? You okay? You look rough..” he watched my face with both concern and a great amount of care, his hands coming up to stroke my cheeks.

“Yeah, I’ve just been a bit ill,” I told him but he didn’t seem satisfied, as though he knew there was more, “... okay, and me and Cam had a row,” I told him, looking to the floor in shame.

“What? What about?” he asked, his hands moving to caress my shoulders.

“Just, me being a bitch..” I was starting to tear up again.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re no bitch! What lard-ass said you were a bitch?!” he looked at me intently, a playful kind of anger in his face before it subsided to a smile.

“Just me... and all my friends back home..” I told him, finally looking at him and giving him a small smile.

“Well, they’re no good friends, are they? Jeez, why didn’t you come here sooner? Make some proper friends!... with us!” he said, happily grinning down at me, which made me smile back.

“Well, I don’t know... but you are very charming,” I admitted, blushing slightly.

“Is that so?” he questioned, his head tilting back as his eyebrows raised into the infamous quizzical stare, “are we referring to my comment on you being sexy and that dashing outfit of yours?” he smirked, looking me up and down.

“What, this old shit? Man, it’s ancient. I hadn’t actually planned on coming out in it and you were definitely not meant to see it; it is not, by any stretch of the imagination, sexy!” I told him, looking down at my own misshapen outfit before looking back at him, still smirking, eyebrows raised.

“Are you kidding? I’m fuckin’ loving the old-ass Metallica shirt that’s so big it comes to your thighs and those tatty, grey shorts and the battered old Vans! Not to mention your wet, messy hair! What do you mean I wasn’t meant to see it? I like it,” he winked.

I gasped, feeling my head, completely forgetting I’d washed my hair and not combed or dried it, “you really were not meant to see that!” he chuckled at the shock, “and it’s because I look a mess!... and I don’t want to be a mess for you,” I admitted, blushing even heavier than before.

“Awh, aren’t you the cutest?” he smiled, stroking my jawbone and screwing up his perfect little nose, “well, would you like to join me in a coffee, sweet-thang? I’d much rather spend a few with you than Pinkly!” he chuckled, his fairly strong, American accent coming through.

“Awh, no! Pinkly’s lovely!” I protested, kneeling down to pet her, “and, well, I don’t know, Bri; I’ve kinda got to get back and apologize to Cam.. And! get ready for tonight; I’m not turning up like this, no matter how much it turns you on,” it was my turn to wink at him, blushing yet again.

He pouted, “nooo, I wanted some good company! I love spending time with you, for God’s sake! And yes, what you’re wearing is turning me on...quite a lot and you’re more than welcome to turn up to my house like that whenever you like,” he whispered, pulling me into another hug, lightly kissing my neck, almost making me fall apart.

“No, Bri, as tempting as that offer is, I’ve got to go sort myself out,” I slowly tried to push him away, secretly using it as an excuse to hold his biceps a bit.

He huffed, pulling away from my neck but holding me in his arms, “okay, but I will see you tonight.. and the offer is open! Not just for us to be... you know... naughty, but if you ever need it, my doors open to you, okay? If you’re looking for a place to stay to get out of Jade and Cam’s hair for a bit but can’t find a place, you’re more than welcome to stay with me; I’ve got plenty of room; you can stay in one of the spare rooms, if you’d like,” he smiled, cheekily; there was no denying that over the weeks Brian and I had developed a certain sexual tension and I’d definitely never say no if the time was right; although we hadn’t actually slept together yet, he seemed pretty fucking good to me; he definitely looked the part with his muscular build, tattoos and long, shaggy hair, but overall, he was just sweet. He was completely charming and I couldn’t lie; I was falling for him...and falling hard; he made me happier than anyone ever had before and I was terrified that if he knew the truth...the whole truth... he’d turn and run, and I couldn’t risk losing him. Furthermore, I was definitely going to take him up on staying with him; I needed to get out of Cam and Jade’s and I’d be much more comfortable staying with him than staying on my own.

We said our goodbyes and I turned to leave, a huge grin donning my face knowing he was watching me walk away. I got to my car and turned back to him, sure enough, he was watching. We waved before I got Hud into the car and headed back.

I parked the car and entered the house slowly, fearful of another argument but was immediately met with a strong pair of arms around my neck, a heated face pressed to mine. It was Cam...and he’d been crying, which made me feel all the worse.

“Lau, I love you so fucking much, I’m so so sorry,” he lightly sobbed which caused me to start crying.

“No, no, no, don’t be; it was my fault for being a bitch,” I told him, wrapping my arms around his waist as I snuggled my face to the crook of his neck.

“No, no; I shouldn’t have been so angry, it’s just, I’m worried about you, Lau; I love you; I want you to be safe, y’know?” he lifted his face from mine, looking at me with bloodshot eyes, his face red and wet.

“Cam, I just wasn’t feeling too good, okay? I’m feeling better now,” I told him, pulling him back into a hug.

He physically relaxed, sighing in relief, “okay,” he whispered, “you’d tell me if there was something more though, right?” he asked.
I paused for a moment, thinking, “yeah, sure,” I lied, quickly holding him tighter in an attempt to console myself.

“Okay, well, we best get ready for tonight; Bri’s really excited,” he shot me a cheeky smile; knowing I liked him.

I blushed heavily, “oh, shove off, Cam,” I smiled widely, making him laugh.

I went upstairs, getting myself ready. Slipping on some torn skinny jeans, some converse, a more sensible Skid Row vest, that seemed to fit my body perfectly, before sorting and straightening my hair and putting just enough make-up on to make sure I no longer looked so sick. I wasn’t necessarily trying to look sexy, (although, I did look pretty good; I felt a lot better about myself than before, particularly after seeing Brian) but I did want to impress him; I didn’t ever want to look easy but I wanted him to want me... but only him, if I could help it. I finished off my outfit with one of my brother, Mikey’s, leather jackets and some shades.

I grabbed Bri’s present before making my way downstairs. We all met in the kitchen as Cam informed us that Jimmy would be picking us up with Cat, Zacky and Georgie; Jimmy and Zack’s girlfriends. I froze, suddenly extremely anxious.

The car pulled up out font and I climbed into the back with Cat and Jade; Georgie got in the front next to Jimmy whilst Cam and Zacky jumped onto the back of the truck in the truck bed. My hands began to sweat as I rubbed them, lightly rocking. Jade placed her hand on my shoulder to calm me whilst Cat, Zack’s blonde, kept shooting me dirty looks. I was so close to slapping her before we got to Brian’s but soon enough, we pulled up onto his driveway.

We were quickly met at the door by Matt and Lacey, Matt’s girlfriend; she was a lot prettier than any of the other girlfriends seemed to be but no more than Jade was... I quickly became fairly jealous. I walked through the door last; the rest of the crowd chanting ‘Happy Birthday’ as they greeted Brian, a beaming smile on his face which, in itself, made me smile.

He quickly greeted them all, hugging them and politely pecking the girls on the cheek which, if I’m honest, made me all the more jealous but I knew it was just formality. I stayed relatively close to the door; anxious of going forth until Brian reached me. As his eyes set upon my body I blushed heavily, his smile instantly growing as his eyes bulged, examining my figure. His eyes raked my body before meeting mine, smirking. He stepped closer to me, wrapping his arm around my waist, kissing my cheek, as if formality, but stayed there a little longer before his lips worked their way to my ear, whispering, “okay, maybe you do look better now you’ve cleaned up...but I still did love the scruffs,” he lightly bit my ear, coming down to kiss my neck before Matt caused us to pull away, calling us for drinks.

We both blushed, smirking at each other before making our way to Brian’s large kitchen where everyone was stood chatting. Everyone handed Bri his presents around some beers, all laughing and having fun. I stayed to the edge of the group, as per usual; I was the newbie and I didn’t want to get in the way. I simply watched from afar; mesmerized by Brian’s smile, well, his entire physique. Smiling as I watched his now straightened hair under the black fedora he wore, the sweet little nose, the brilliant, broad smile to his huge, tattooed biceps.

Eventually, the fuss died down and the group slightly departed; Matt, Jimmy and Johnny sat in the living room with Georgie and Caitlyn, Johnny’s girlfriend, whilst Zack and Cam stood in the garden talking, whilst the rest of the girls; Jade, Cat and Lacey, stood in the kitchen. As I watched from the edge of the living room, I was surprised by a large hand on my waist, twisting round to see Brian.

“Is this for me?” he slyly took his present from me, immediately opening it.

As he tore the wrapping paper and opened the box he let out an almighty laugh, laughing so hard tears seemed to come to his eyes, as did mine.

“It’s your, uh, feminine shoes,” I giggled trying to control myself whereas Brian stood almost peeing himself.

Soon enough, we attracted the attention of the rest of the group, watching on in confusion.

“What the fuck? Pink high-tops!?” Matt questioned, taking the box with the shoes from Brian, examining them.

“Yeah, it’s, uh, from a time me and L went to the beach and I took forever to put my shoes on,” he laughed, wiping tears from his face.

“So what?” Zacky asked, chuckling but fairly cold.

“Well, I ended up telling him how ‘shoe’ is feminine in French which led to an argument about how Bri, here, was ‘real man’...so I got him pink shoes,” I chuckled and everyone laughed along with us, besides Cat and Zack, it seemed, as they all realized the connection.

Beers flowed as I became more involved with the group, even sharing a few laughs with Zack, much to Cat’s dismay. But eventually I noticed Jimmy walk to the kitchen alone; I’d been meaning to talk to him about the cliffs.

“Hey,” I spoke, trying to get his attention, nervously rubbing my hands and rocking lightly.

“Hey,” he answered, looking back at me as he got himself another beer, “want one?” he offered.

“Uh, no thanks,” I answered.

“Okay.”

He turned to leave before I spoke, “um, can we talk?”

“Uh, sure,” he turned back to me, leaning over the island.

“Um...Have you told Brian anything?” I asked, stuttering slightly.

He looked at me, confused, “told him anything about what?”

“About last night,” I told him, trying to keep my voice down so no one could hear us.

“What about last night?” he still seemed confused.

“About...” I paused, closing the door to the kitchen, “the night on the cliffs; you were up there too... we had a.. chat,” I tried to jog his clearly clouded memory.

“What are you on about?” he chuckled lightly but still largely puzzled.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Jimmy,” I hissed, getting angry quickly.

“What the fuck? I don’t know what you’re on about, Lauren? Yo’ crazy!” he told me, turning to the door and walking through it.

“What? How the fuck do you not remember? It was last night, you pissbrain!” I scorned.

He slowly twisted to face me, anger in his own face now, “look, I don’t know what the fuck you’re on about, okay? It was probably you’re wild imagination but don’t try and get me involved,” he hissed, going back to drinking with the rest of the guys before shouting, “TRUTH OR DARE!!” making the crowd of people cheer.

I was completely baffled, what the Hell was going on? What was he playing at? Before I had time to question it, I was being dragged into the circle for the drunken game. I sat quietly pondering over my own thoughts for most of the game, nodding at Lacey or Jade whenever they asked whether I was okay, considering I was being so quiet. When suddenly, I heard my name mentioned.. by Zacky.

“Okay, Synyster,” Zacky slurred, “truth or dare?”

“Fuck it, dare!” Brian challenged, fairly less drunk than Zacky seemed.

“Okay,” he paused, “get off with Lauren,” he said, lowly, as if he were suddenly sober.

Brian lightly protested; there was something telling me he’d be happy to, while everyone else jeered us on...I, on the other hand, wanted to die right there and then; I felt like an awkward teen again, going bright red and hiding away, starting to panic.

“You don’t have to do it here, you can go upstairs...just as long as we can hear you,” Matt requested, saving our asses a little.

Brian sighed heavily in defeat, “okay, fine, I’m game. L?” he asked, shrugging, telling me he didn’t mind, as I looked at him.

I scoured the room before looking back at him, seeing both Jimmy and Zacky with their cold stares, “yeah, alright,” I looked at Zack; I expected the only reason he chose me was because he thought I was frigid or something and wouldn’t do it, but no. I liked Brian a lot more than he realized and I was more than glad to go upstairs with him.

“Okay, then,” Brian smirked as I smirked back, placing his hand on my lower back and guiding me upstairs before turning back and giving Zack his middle finger, making the whole group chuckle.

We climbed the stairs and Bri led us to his master bedroom, which was huge; the huge, super-king bed dominated the room but the phenomenal view of the beach from his floor-to-ceiling window captivated my mind.

“We don’t have to do this, you know; we could just crash if you want; I’m tired as it; I needed an excuse to get out of there,” he told me, wrapping his arms round my waist from behind, kissing my neck.

The feeling of his fingers lightly rubbing the skin underneath the hem of my shirt made me excited; making me happier and happier this was happening; “no, it’s fine,” I told him, turning in his arms to face him, smirking.

He smiled down at me, rubbing the small of my back, “well, okay then,” he smiled, slowly pressing his thin lips to mine, instantly electrifying my entire body; never mind this being the first time we slept together; it was the first time he’d properly kissed me, and it was fantastic, as I expected.

We smiled in the kiss as our lips started to move in sync with each other, getting more heated...more passionate. Eventually, he pulled me closer to him and rolled his tongue along my bottom lip, asking for access, which I denied; I wanted to tease him; make him wait it out. He grunted, not happy with me not letting him into my mouth, which made me smile, so his hand travelled down to my ass and rubbing, making me moan, before slowly venturing between my legs and lightly pressing my pussy from behind, making me gasp. He immediately pushed his tongue against mine, chuckling as I grunted in defeat.

Our tongues fought as our hands ventured each other’s bodies, Brian slowly pushing me back to his bed. My back arched as my shoulders hit the mattress at the cool sheets giving him the perfect opportunity to wrap his arms around my back, kneeling on the bed with my legs wrapped over his thighs. We lay there for moments heavily making out, moaning into each other’s mouths as I took the fedora from his head to place on my own making us smile into the kiss.

Slowly, his fingers traced under my shirt and up to my ribs, slowly coming down to undo my pants. He undid the button before lifting my hips to remove them completely making me moan. But after he did so his large hands found my thighs and immediately stopped, his fingertips laying in the grooves of the mountainous scars that lined my upper-legs. I had been so deep in bliss I’d completely forgotten about them, I opened my eyes, tears filling them as I looked into his. They were reddening, as if he was going to cry; he looked at me with such sadness as if asking why I did it, despite it not actually being me that put them there.

I stuttered, not being able to gather enough air as I slowly began to cry, “I’m sorry, Brian, I can’t, I...” I told him, pushing him to the side as I stood, slipping on my trousers and heading for the door.

“No, Lauren, wait,” his voice was quiet as he pleaded for me to stay, upset.

“No, I can’t,” I told him, storming down the stairs into the living room where everyone looked my way, making me even more nervous and self-conscious than I already was, “sorry, guys,” I told them, my voice barely above a whisper, as I grabbed my jacket and quietly let myself out.

I got to the end of the drive before I heard the front door click and Brian’s voice calling me. I ducked behind the hedge in front of his house, hoping he didn’t see me; I held my hand over my mouth to muffle my sobs. I slowly leant back to look at the door seeing Brian stood there, still upset, as he rubbed his face and sat on the doorstep hunched over. Before long, Matt came out and asked what happened...I don’t know if he did tell him, and I hope he didn’t but soon enough, Brian went back inside with Matt, allowing me to release my struggling sobs as I sat and cried on the curb.

Eventually, I rallied up the courage to call a cab. It came fairly quickly and took me home. I managed to stop myself from crying until I got back into the house; realizing I still had Brian’s beloved hat placed upon my head. Tears instantly fell as I screamed, throwing the hat across the room. Why had I been such an idiot? I’d screwed it up! I’d screwed it all up! With Brian, of all guys! The sweetest, most charming, most good looking man that’s ever taken an interest in me, and treated me well, has been officially pushed away by the scars left from another mans, so called, ‘love’.

I raced upstairs, screaming, hitting and slamming my head, legs and arms, blaming myself for letting it happen. I don’t think I’d been so distraught since I was 18. I continued to scream, crying myself to sleep; the image of his sad face looking at me with all the questions and worry and upset coating his eyes, silently blaming me for the distinct marks on my thighs. Just as my eyes closed to sleep, the demon of my nightmares appeared again but only for a second; I could have sworn I saw the grey-haired, red-eyed monster with grinning, white teeth appear for a split second at the window right in the corner, as if he were outside looking in, but only for a split second. My breath caught, terrified, as I felt a presence behind me. Too scared to look, I simply close my eyes and fell to sleep, completely silently; scared to breathe.

Notes