Syn's Deep in My Blood
Easier Said Than Done
Now I think I understand
How this world can overcome a man
I scribbled those words in a piece of paper on top of my piano in my bedroom, after spending several minutes watching her peaceful sleep in the early morning. I had too many stuff going on inside my head to fall asleep again, even though I had the woman I love by my side. I wanted to tell her so much. The only way I found was through a song.
“You love this shit more than you love me.”
That’s what she said. And since then, I just couldn’t erase that haunting echo from my ears. Cause maybe now I began to realize… I was allowing it to be true.
I’m not gonna lie. I’m using behind everyone’s back again and I can’t help it. I have no explanation or excuses for it anymore. I just need to. But this time I’m being extra careful not to get caught. I’m done with needles and the dangers of heroine for now, a few pills that can give me peace of mind to get through an uneasy morning like this are enough for me. Emily would notice the track marks right away and I would lose the only shot I had with her. I could never risk losing the most important thing in my life right now. Not as I did before. So I was only getting high when she was sleeping or out of the house.
I feel like I’m losing the battle to myself at this point of the game, even if I would never admit it to anyone. But I refuse to lose the battle for Emily. I wanna show her I can do this. I wanna prove to her how strong I can get with her by my side. And when I’m back at what I used to be, renewed, I will show her how I can love her even more than he does. And I’ll be over drugs for good.
But for now... I needed the pills to get by this week. It felt a lot harder without it. By 28th December, I’ll be done with it. The day we are leaving to Hawaii will be the last day I’ll use anything.
As an obscure and morbid feeling ran through my veins, I swallowed two pills with no water at all and opened the piano to finally start working on the notes for that song I felt so compelled to write out of me.
Let it burn
Under my skin
The sweet dizziness and the numbness in my extremities taking over slowly wouldn’t stop me from locking the middle pedal to muffle the strings not to wake up Emily.
Let it burn
I closed my eyes, feeling my body getting rid of all the bad feelings I had while I imagined these notes. They sounded weird at first, I had no idea what was musical harmonies and chord progressions, I’ve never studied them, but then it got better. Suddenly I could float within the sound when I didn’t even feel my fingers moving in the keyboard anymore. It was all about the music travelling inside of me. Not a thing else to worry about.
Her cozy arms embraced me and those were the only capable of penetrating into my musical dream without ruining my trip. She rubbed her nose in my ear and kissed my temple. And I didn’t even think she was really awake and wasn’t just a product of my dosed mind until she whispered sweetly and warmly inside my ear.
“Is this a new song, babe?”
I took a little while to answer, still drowning in the hypnotizing notes I was repeating nonstop and I finally agreed with a nod, stopped playing and pulled her into my lap suddenly. Her lips pressed my smiley ones instantly.
Our kiss deepened slowly and while I was moaning and almost dragging her to the bed again, I heard a paper noise. It made my eyes promptly open. And I had to interrupt our moment to stop her hand from the act, stealing the paper away from her sight.
“Heey!!” She complained.
“It’s nothing, Ems. Just some random words, you know... It’s not ready yet.”
“Well, I don’t mind if it’s unfinished. I just wanted to...” She tried to distract me with her eyes and soft talking to get to the paper in my hand. “Jimmeeey!! C’mon!!”
“It’s not ready yet!”
When she finally realized I was very serious about not showing it to her, the weather darkened in her eyes and she left my lap in a jump. Fuck...
“It’s alright. You have all the right to have your privacy…” She was dressing her robe with her back to me while speaking. I knew she was mad by her tone.
“I’m sorry, okay? I just don’t want to show you something that will be discarded later, or won’t have any use for us. It’s not even that good...” Hell, I was lying. But I could never show that kind of lyrics to her.
My fears and my feelings were poured there just… for her. She would freak out, worried about me. And it was really just a song, nothing more.
“Okay.” She wasn’t smiling, she wasn’t happy at all. And I would just have to get out of there if I wanted to continue my good flow on that composition.
I wrote the chord letters to remember the notes later quickly and placed the paper in my pocket. I could imagine exactly how the drums would sound like so I had to go to the studio to record it. I couldn’t let that one go. There was something about it.
I’ve got dressed quickly, climbed down the stairs, had some coffee Emily made and told her I was going to the studio. She gave me that worried look again.
“Are you sure your hand is good to play again?”
“Yeah, my hand is fine. Besides, I just need to record the drum guiding lines and the piano. I’m finishing it when we’re back from Hawaii. Nothing much, babe.” I pecked her lips lingeringly and she smiled but her eyes still showed uneasiness.
She held my wrist and called me back in a whisper.
“Jim… don’t you want me to go with you? I can just call in sick. I can help with you with the harmonies, you said you are not very good with them. I don’t need to see the lyrics.”
I knew what she was doing there. She wasn’t leaving me alone for one minute since she made me promise I’d try to stay clean. She even asked me to take me along to the studio she works once just not to leave me in the house. She doesn’t trust me and she has all the right in the world not to.
“Ems, don’t worry, okay? I’m going straight to the studio. And I’m calling Brian anyway, he’s my partner in composing songs crime. We always explode the room together.” I winked at her and kissed her quickly after she finally nodded.
“Okay… You can call me anytime.”
“Yes baby, I will if I need, alright? I’ll see you tonight.”
“Jim…wait.” She held my arm and I stopped again. “I was… wondering if you want to go with me to that NA meeting tonight.” She had sad puppy eyes.
I breathed loud.
“Look, Emily… we’ve talked about this and… my opinion hasn’t changed, okay?”
“It’s… it’s been 5 months I’m clean today. I’m winning a sobriety coin and I have to make a speech tonight. It would mean a lot if you could be there.”
My grin was brief. That was my chance to be there for her for once. To show her I support her and that I couldn’t be more proud of how strong she became on those last months. So I had to make that effort for her, even if I didn’t want anything with that place. A bunch of people talking about their demons and their crappy life in a room would be the last place I’d want to go if I wanted to get clean. It’s just stupid and worthless in my point of view.
“I guess I can make an exception this time.” I nodded.
“That’s great, Jim, really! It starts at seven. I’d love to see you there.” She held my hand tightly.
“Okay. I’ll be there. Now I gotta go, babe. Bye.”
She waved goodbye with a smile and I left the house to go straight to the studio. Not to record anything at first, but to have an appointment with my lawyer. I had to update everything in my testament before leaving to Hawaii. Who knows what might happen there, right?
I couldn’t stand my heavy heart every time Jimmy would walk out of that door without me. It was like I was expecting him not to come back one of these days. It was like he would never come back. But I knew that was just me overthinking it again and again, always too worried about him. I had to trust him this time and even if I can’t really do that for now, I had the certainty I could help him this time, I knew I had all set up for him to go away from here and make it right this time, so that fact alone was always comforting me lately. I’d take him out of this misery not even if I had to give my life for it. And to go through this last week here in California before the holidays seemed like an eternity.
Today that pain in my heart was too much to bear. It was decided. I’d just call it in sick and go to the studio with him. I didn’t care if he said no, if he wanted to show me the song or not, I was going and period.
Took a shower, got dressed and left. When I arrived there, I saw Brian in the door. So at least Jimmy didn’t lie to me about calling him to record. It was a start.
“Hey… what are you doing here? You shouldn’t be working?” that wasn’t a very nice greeting but I didn’t take it that way.
“Well I decided to take a day off to come and see you guys working your magic a little.”
“Oh… alright then. Let’s go in.” someone from inside opened the door and we both went in.
We walked through the tight corridors, tuned a corner and found a room isolated from the others, the biggest one. That was their permanent room. And the door was opened. I frowned when I heard more than one voice coming out of it.
“So you wanna change the inheritors of your house.”
“Yes, please. That’s the name you should place as the inheritor. Here.”
I heard a few words from that conversation and frowned, holding Brian’s arm to stop him from entering the room and being seen. He glanced back at me and I signaled him to wait there. What was that talk all about? Who was that strange low voice, too formal for our circle of friends?
“Gotta add my car and another bank account there too…”
Brian narrowed his eyes to me, thinking that conversation as weird as I was. When I heard footsteps inside the room, I dragged Brian out of there and we both walked back to the reception room. I didn’t want Jimmy to see us eavesdropping.
“What is he doing, Brian? Did he talk to you about this?”
Brian looked back to the corridor, then at the sides, like watching if no one was observing and denied with his head.
“No, I have no idea he would have company here. He told me he had only called me today.” I watched him purse his lips and facing the ground for a while. “But maybe I have an idea what this is about… C’mon, let’s take a walk outside…”
“Alright…”
Emily and Brian walked quietly at first through the peaceful neighbor streets around the studio. Brian knew she was very interested about what he had to say but he took a while to finally start talking. He could only tell her one version of the possible truth for now.
“So…?” she couldn’t take the silence anymore.
“Well… that was the voice of our band lawyer, as you might have realized.”
“Yeah, I noticed he was talking to a lawyer. But for what reason?”
“Since we started to… you know, make real money with our music, we separate a day at the end of each year to make updates on our testaments. Just in case, you know… We’ve been in the road for too many months, who knows what might happen, right?” he shrugged.
“Okay but… you said we. Why is he doing that alone now?”
“Of course we schedule different hours with him, so he can attend everyone separately. But… we always do that together. It’s… it’s weird he’s doing this without telling us.”
“Maybe cause we’re leaving next week.” Emily remembered that little detail about their trip. And that soothed her heart a little.
“Yeah, maybe that’s why…”
Brian didn’t notice but Emily was observing him now, from the corner of her eyes. She could feel he had something more to say. Like he was hiding something.
“Do you think there’s any other hidden reason why he’s doing that now?” she dared to ask, having a bad feeling about all of this. She knew those brown eyes like the back of her hand. They carried something that was bothering him somehow.
He glanced at her and caught her eyes. It was way harder to hide his feelings like that, so he quickly diverted.
Of course he had a better explanation for why Jimmy was calling a lawyer without telling anyone. Brian pictured briefly how would be Jimmy’s proposal on Christmas night, when everyone would be around them and watching them sealing their lives together for good. And there was nothing he could do to change that.
He could simply tell her now about the ring, Jimmy’s plans and how he completely gave her away in a silver platter to Jimmy on that night. Without even fighting or protesting, he just gave away his own happiness. Where were his balls lately anyway? – he thought.
But he wouldn’t do that. His best friend trusted him so he’d keep the secret. Even if it was smothering him inside.
“No… I don’t think there is.” He shook his head to intensify the certainty and run away from the lie.
Emily nodded, trusting him as she always did and they continue to walk side by side, in silence again.
“Brian, I… I’ve been meaning to ask you but… I don’t know if I should, cause I just asked Jimmy this morning and he said he would go so… Well, I’m gonna do this anyway. You two are good right?”
“Yeah… I guess. What’d you wanna ask me?”
“It’s been 5 months I stopped taking those pills. I’ve been sober since then.” Her eyes looked peaceful and grateful to him. And he could only grin back. “And there’s this ‘celebration ceremony’ on the NA meeting tonight. It starts at seven. Gonna have to make a speech and everything… I’m kinda nervous.” She smiled brightly at him. “It would be very important to me if you could be there. If you want...”
“Of course I want! Do you think I would miss to see you getting all red in front of all those people without a guitar in hands?” Emily chuckled to his remark and his smile grew.
“I should’ve known better you wouldn’t miss this opportunity.”
They laughed a little more and decided to go back to the studio. Emily still had something knocking on the back of her heart, as a warning, but she just tried to let it go. Brian would take care of him there until he was back to her again.
“You guys can go together there. Jimmy wouldn’t mind, would he?”
“Nah… I think that ship has sailed.” He winked, knowing she would understand what he was talking about. She was glad they were finally getting along like the old times again and she wasn’t an obstacle to it anymore.
“Okay… I guess I’ll go home, prepare my speech. He’s in good hands here, right?” it was her time to wink.
“Always.”
“Great! See you both there at seven!” she held his hand tight as a goodbye and left.
Brian watched as her red locks disappeared into the horizon together with her scent in the air, hypnotized. And suddenly he was back at reality again. His sad reality.
“Hey man, it’s 6:30 already, we should go meet with Emily now.” Brian stated as he unstrapped his guitar and placed it on the support.
The hours always passed by very fast when they were composing together. Jimmy was still so compenetrated in his song that he didn’t even realize it was time to leave. Brian helped him with almost all the song harmonies but Jimmy insisted on not showing him the lyrics as well. It was too personal.
When they finally found a good name for that song Brian had composed for his grandpa and recorded the guiding lines for the drums along with the guitar, they were done for the day.
Jimmy was extremely silent while driving with Brian to where the Narcotics Anonymous had their reunions once a week. Not even the radio was diminishing the tension in the air and Brian was definitely feeling it.
Jimmy wasn’t sure why yet, but he felt nervous. Probably more than Emily was by then. It had nothing to do with going to a place he didn’t believe or enjoyed to go or taking Brian with him. He knew he was a very important part of Emily’s recovery and he would be always thankful to his friend. In fact, the problem was himself.
He was fooling everyone. He was fooling her. Even if was just for a week or so, he was. And
being there tonight, she will expect to find guidance and comfort in his eyes, he knew that. She will expect to find sincerity. And that was something he couldn’t offer right now.
For the first time, he felt like the baddest influence on her life. He was terrified of ruining her life more than he was about his own. And that was not how a relationship was supposed to work. The lies were killing him inside.
He gave a rapid corner of the eye glance to Brian and saw his rival there, not his friend. And to know Brian would be there and she would search for his eyes when he himself wouldn’t be able to face her was filling him with jealousy and fury. But he kept it all inside. He would never dare to ruin their friendship again.
Jimmy parked the car in front of the building and gazed at Brian.
“I’m gonna go find a place to park. You can go in first, I’ll be right there.”
Brian looked deep inside his friend’s eyes and saw something wrong but ignored. Nodded to him and stepped out of the car. As he went inside the place, he gave one more look over his shoulder to Jimmy and saw him driving away.
Brian quickly found the little room where they had their meetings and sat on one of the chairs in the back, trying not to be recognized but at the same time trying to be seen by Emily, who was chatting with an older woman, probably her sponsor, and Jess. He decided not to interrupt her and just stayed there.
When she was finally alone, he saw her gaze searching for known faces among the little crowd. Her eyes quickly found his and they were filled with relief momentarily. But then she moved out and kept looking, searching for that blue pair she would never find in there that night.
Brian checked the entrance and didn’t find Jimmy either. He could see Emily trying to hide her disappointment as the guy gave start to the reunion. That was when Brian’s phone buzzed in his pocket.
‘Tell her I’m sorry.’
Jimmy could never enter that room. He found the next highway and drove for kilometers and kilometers before taking the road back. His mind too troubled to face anything but the endless dark asphalt ahead of him.
“Hi everyone, my name is Emily, and I’ve been sober for five months…”
"Hi Emily!"
I hope you'll find your own way
When I'm not with you tonight
How this world can overcome a man
I scribbled those words in a piece of paper on top of my piano in my bedroom, after spending several minutes watching her peaceful sleep in the early morning. I had too many stuff going on inside my head to fall asleep again, even though I had the woman I love by my side. I wanted to tell her so much. The only way I found was through a song.
“You love this shit more than you love me.”
That’s what she said. And since then, I just couldn’t erase that haunting echo from my ears. Cause maybe now I began to realize… I was allowing it to be true.
I’m not gonna lie. I’m using behind everyone’s back again and I can’t help it. I have no explanation or excuses for it anymore. I just need to. But this time I’m being extra careful not to get caught. I’m done with needles and the dangers of heroine for now, a few pills that can give me peace of mind to get through an uneasy morning like this are enough for me. Emily would notice the track marks right away and I would lose the only shot I had with her. I could never risk losing the most important thing in my life right now. Not as I did before. So I was only getting high when she was sleeping or out of the house.
I feel like I’m losing the battle to myself at this point of the game, even if I would never admit it to anyone. But I refuse to lose the battle for Emily. I wanna show her I can do this. I wanna prove to her how strong I can get with her by my side. And when I’m back at what I used to be, renewed, I will show her how I can love her even more than he does. And I’ll be over drugs for good.
But for now... I needed the pills to get by this week. It felt a lot harder without it. By 28th December, I’ll be done with it. The day we are leaving to Hawaii will be the last day I’ll use anything.
As an obscure and morbid feeling ran through my veins, I swallowed two pills with no water at all and opened the piano to finally start working on the notes for that song I felt so compelled to write out of me.
Let it burn
Under my skin
The sweet dizziness and the numbness in my extremities taking over slowly wouldn’t stop me from locking the middle pedal to muffle the strings not to wake up Emily.
Let it burn
I closed my eyes, feeling my body getting rid of all the bad feelings I had while I imagined these notes. They sounded weird at first, I had no idea what was musical harmonies and chord progressions, I’ve never studied them, but then it got better. Suddenly I could float within the sound when I didn’t even feel my fingers moving in the keyboard anymore. It was all about the music travelling inside of me. Not a thing else to worry about.
Her cozy arms embraced me and those were the only capable of penetrating into my musical dream without ruining my trip. She rubbed her nose in my ear and kissed my temple. And I didn’t even think she was really awake and wasn’t just a product of my dosed mind until she whispered sweetly and warmly inside my ear.
“Is this a new song, babe?”
I took a little while to answer, still drowning in the hypnotizing notes I was repeating nonstop and I finally agreed with a nod, stopped playing and pulled her into my lap suddenly. Her lips pressed my smiley ones instantly.
Our kiss deepened slowly and while I was moaning and almost dragging her to the bed again, I heard a paper noise. It made my eyes promptly open. And I had to interrupt our moment to stop her hand from the act, stealing the paper away from her sight.
“Heey!!” She complained.
“It’s nothing, Ems. Just some random words, you know... It’s not ready yet.”
“Well, I don’t mind if it’s unfinished. I just wanted to...” She tried to distract me with her eyes and soft talking to get to the paper in my hand. “Jimmeeey!! C’mon!!”
“It’s not ready yet!”
When she finally realized I was very serious about not showing it to her, the weather darkened in her eyes and she left my lap in a jump. Fuck...
“It’s alright. You have all the right to have your privacy…” She was dressing her robe with her back to me while speaking. I knew she was mad by her tone.
“I’m sorry, okay? I just don’t want to show you something that will be discarded later, or won’t have any use for us. It’s not even that good...” Hell, I was lying. But I could never show that kind of lyrics to her.
My fears and my feelings were poured there just… for her. She would freak out, worried about me. And it was really just a song, nothing more.
“Okay.” She wasn’t smiling, she wasn’t happy at all. And I would just have to get out of there if I wanted to continue my good flow on that composition.
I wrote the chord letters to remember the notes later quickly and placed the paper in my pocket. I could imagine exactly how the drums would sound like so I had to go to the studio to record it. I couldn’t let that one go. There was something about it.
I’ve got dressed quickly, climbed down the stairs, had some coffee Emily made and told her I was going to the studio. She gave me that worried look again.
“Are you sure your hand is good to play again?”
“Yeah, my hand is fine. Besides, I just need to record the drum guiding lines and the piano. I’m finishing it when we’re back from Hawaii. Nothing much, babe.” I pecked her lips lingeringly and she smiled but her eyes still showed uneasiness.
She held my wrist and called me back in a whisper.
“Jim… don’t you want me to go with you? I can just call in sick. I can help with you with the harmonies, you said you are not very good with them. I don’t need to see the lyrics.”
I knew what she was doing there. She wasn’t leaving me alone for one minute since she made me promise I’d try to stay clean. She even asked me to take me along to the studio she works once just not to leave me in the house. She doesn’t trust me and she has all the right in the world not to.
“Ems, don’t worry, okay? I’m going straight to the studio. And I’m calling Brian anyway, he’s my partner in composing songs crime. We always explode the room together.” I winked at her and kissed her quickly after she finally nodded.
“Okay… You can call me anytime.”
“Yes baby, I will if I need, alright? I’ll see you tonight.”
“Jim…wait.” She held my arm and I stopped again. “I was… wondering if you want to go with me to that NA meeting tonight.” She had sad puppy eyes.
I breathed loud.
“Look, Emily… we’ve talked about this and… my opinion hasn’t changed, okay?”
“It’s… it’s been 5 months I’m clean today. I’m winning a sobriety coin and I have to make a speech tonight. It would mean a lot if you could be there.”
My grin was brief. That was my chance to be there for her for once. To show her I support her and that I couldn’t be more proud of how strong she became on those last months. So I had to make that effort for her, even if I didn’t want anything with that place. A bunch of people talking about their demons and their crappy life in a room would be the last place I’d want to go if I wanted to get clean. It’s just stupid and worthless in my point of view.
“I guess I can make an exception this time.” I nodded.
“That’s great, Jim, really! It starts at seven. I’d love to see you there.” She held my hand tightly.
“Okay. I’ll be there. Now I gotta go, babe. Bye.”
She waved goodbye with a smile and I left the house to go straight to the studio. Not to record anything at first, but to have an appointment with my lawyer. I had to update everything in my testament before leaving to Hawaii. Who knows what might happen there, right?
I couldn’t stand my heavy heart every time Jimmy would walk out of that door without me. It was like I was expecting him not to come back one of these days. It was like he would never come back. But I knew that was just me overthinking it again and again, always too worried about him. I had to trust him this time and even if I can’t really do that for now, I had the certainty I could help him this time, I knew I had all set up for him to go away from here and make it right this time, so that fact alone was always comforting me lately. I’d take him out of this misery not even if I had to give my life for it. And to go through this last week here in California before the holidays seemed like an eternity.
Today that pain in my heart was too much to bear. It was decided. I’d just call it in sick and go to the studio with him. I didn’t care if he said no, if he wanted to show me the song or not, I was going and period.
Took a shower, got dressed and left. When I arrived there, I saw Brian in the door. So at least Jimmy didn’t lie to me about calling him to record. It was a start.
“Hey… what are you doing here? You shouldn’t be working?” that wasn’t a very nice greeting but I didn’t take it that way.
“Well I decided to take a day off to come and see you guys working your magic a little.”
“Oh… alright then. Let’s go in.” someone from inside opened the door and we both went in.
We walked through the tight corridors, tuned a corner and found a room isolated from the others, the biggest one. That was their permanent room. And the door was opened. I frowned when I heard more than one voice coming out of it.
“So you wanna change the inheritors of your house.”
“Yes, please. That’s the name you should place as the inheritor. Here.”
I heard a few words from that conversation and frowned, holding Brian’s arm to stop him from entering the room and being seen. He glanced back at me and I signaled him to wait there. What was that talk all about? Who was that strange low voice, too formal for our circle of friends?
“Gotta add my car and another bank account there too…”
Brian narrowed his eyes to me, thinking that conversation as weird as I was. When I heard footsteps inside the room, I dragged Brian out of there and we both walked back to the reception room. I didn’t want Jimmy to see us eavesdropping.
“What is he doing, Brian? Did he talk to you about this?”
Brian looked back to the corridor, then at the sides, like watching if no one was observing and denied with his head.
“No, I have no idea he would have company here. He told me he had only called me today.” I watched him purse his lips and facing the ground for a while. “But maybe I have an idea what this is about… C’mon, let’s take a walk outside…”
“Alright…”
Emily and Brian walked quietly at first through the peaceful neighbor streets around the studio. Brian knew she was very interested about what he had to say but he took a while to finally start talking. He could only tell her one version of the possible truth for now.
“So…?” she couldn’t take the silence anymore.
“Well… that was the voice of our band lawyer, as you might have realized.”
“Yeah, I noticed he was talking to a lawyer. But for what reason?”
“Since we started to… you know, make real money with our music, we separate a day at the end of each year to make updates on our testaments. Just in case, you know… We’ve been in the road for too many months, who knows what might happen, right?” he shrugged.
“Okay but… you said we. Why is he doing that alone now?”
“Of course we schedule different hours with him, so he can attend everyone separately. But… we always do that together. It’s… it’s weird he’s doing this without telling us.”
“Maybe cause we’re leaving next week.” Emily remembered that little detail about their trip. And that soothed her heart a little.
“Yeah, maybe that’s why…”
Brian didn’t notice but Emily was observing him now, from the corner of her eyes. She could feel he had something more to say. Like he was hiding something.
“Do you think there’s any other hidden reason why he’s doing that now?” she dared to ask, having a bad feeling about all of this. She knew those brown eyes like the back of her hand. They carried something that was bothering him somehow.
He glanced at her and caught her eyes. It was way harder to hide his feelings like that, so he quickly diverted.
Of course he had a better explanation for why Jimmy was calling a lawyer without telling anyone. Brian pictured briefly how would be Jimmy’s proposal on Christmas night, when everyone would be around them and watching them sealing their lives together for good. And there was nothing he could do to change that.
He could simply tell her now about the ring, Jimmy’s plans and how he completely gave her away in a silver platter to Jimmy on that night. Without even fighting or protesting, he just gave away his own happiness. Where were his balls lately anyway? – he thought.
But he wouldn’t do that. His best friend trusted him so he’d keep the secret. Even if it was smothering him inside.
“No… I don’t think there is.” He shook his head to intensify the certainty and run away from the lie.
Emily nodded, trusting him as she always did and they continue to walk side by side, in silence again.
“Brian, I… I’ve been meaning to ask you but… I don’t know if I should, cause I just asked Jimmy this morning and he said he would go so… Well, I’m gonna do this anyway. You two are good right?”
“Yeah… I guess. What’d you wanna ask me?”
“It’s been 5 months I stopped taking those pills. I’ve been sober since then.” Her eyes looked peaceful and grateful to him. And he could only grin back. “And there’s this ‘celebration ceremony’ on the NA meeting tonight. It starts at seven. Gonna have to make a speech and everything… I’m kinda nervous.” She smiled brightly at him. “It would be very important to me if you could be there. If you want...”
“Of course I want! Do you think I would miss to see you getting all red in front of all those people without a guitar in hands?” Emily chuckled to his remark and his smile grew.
“I should’ve known better you wouldn’t miss this opportunity.”
They laughed a little more and decided to go back to the studio. Emily still had something knocking on the back of her heart, as a warning, but she just tried to let it go. Brian would take care of him there until he was back to her again.
“You guys can go together there. Jimmy wouldn’t mind, would he?”
“Nah… I think that ship has sailed.” He winked, knowing she would understand what he was talking about. She was glad they were finally getting along like the old times again and she wasn’t an obstacle to it anymore.
“Okay… I guess I’ll go home, prepare my speech. He’s in good hands here, right?” it was her time to wink.
“Always.”
“Great! See you both there at seven!” she held his hand tight as a goodbye and left.
Brian watched as her red locks disappeared into the horizon together with her scent in the air, hypnotized. And suddenly he was back at reality again. His sad reality.
“Hey man, it’s 6:30 already, we should go meet with Emily now.” Brian stated as he unstrapped his guitar and placed it on the support.
The hours always passed by very fast when they were composing together. Jimmy was still so compenetrated in his song that he didn’t even realize it was time to leave. Brian helped him with almost all the song harmonies but Jimmy insisted on not showing him the lyrics as well. It was too personal.
When they finally found a good name for that song Brian had composed for his grandpa and recorded the guiding lines for the drums along with the guitar, they were done for the day.
Jimmy was extremely silent while driving with Brian to where the Narcotics Anonymous had their reunions once a week. Not even the radio was diminishing the tension in the air and Brian was definitely feeling it.
Jimmy wasn’t sure why yet, but he felt nervous. Probably more than Emily was by then. It had nothing to do with going to a place he didn’t believe or enjoyed to go or taking Brian with him. He knew he was a very important part of Emily’s recovery and he would be always thankful to his friend. In fact, the problem was himself.
He was fooling everyone. He was fooling her. Even if was just for a week or so, he was. And
being there tonight, she will expect to find guidance and comfort in his eyes, he knew that. She will expect to find sincerity. And that was something he couldn’t offer right now.
For the first time, he felt like the baddest influence on her life. He was terrified of ruining her life more than he was about his own. And that was not how a relationship was supposed to work. The lies were killing him inside.
He gave a rapid corner of the eye glance to Brian and saw his rival there, not his friend. And to know Brian would be there and she would search for his eyes when he himself wouldn’t be able to face her was filling him with jealousy and fury. But he kept it all inside. He would never dare to ruin their friendship again.
Jimmy parked the car in front of the building and gazed at Brian.
“I’m gonna go find a place to park. You can go in first, I’ll be right there.”
Brian looked deep inside his friend’s eyes and saw something wrong but ignored. Nodded to him and stepped out of the car. As he went inside the place, he gave one more look over his shoulder to Jimmy and saw him driving away.
Brian quickly found the little room where they had their meetings and sat on one of the chairs in the back, trying not to be recognized but at the same time trying to be seen by Emily, who was chatting with an older woman, probably her sponsor, and Jess. He decided not to interrupt her and just stayed there.
When she was finally alone, he saw her gaze searching for known faces among the little crowd. Her eyes quickly found his and they were filled with relief momentarily. But then she moved out and kept looking, searching for that blue pair she would never find in there that night.
Brian checked the entrance and didn’t find Jimmy either. He could see Emily trying to hide her disappointment as the guy gave start to the reunion. That was when Brian’s phone buzzed in his pocket.
‘Tell her I’m sorry.’
Jimmy could never enter that room. He found the next highway and drove for kilometers and kilometers before taking the road back. His mind too troubled to face anything but the endless dark asphalt ahead of him.
“Hi everyone, my name is Emily, and I’ve been sober for five months…”
"Hi Emily!"
I hope you'll find your own way
When I'm not with you tonight
Notes
Chapter based on Fiction. Been imagining this one for quite a while.Very intense. Full of emotions. Nothing more to add =p
Xmas neeexxxtt!!! xD
Damn it! Where the fuck was I when you were writing this?? Just remembered I was rotting in hell(university!)
Anyways, I really wish I could have read it earlier because I'm sure nobody wants to miss out on a story like this one :)
It takes a lot of patience to continue doing something which is really beautiful and worth somebody's time. You have a lot of patience, girl! I wish I had some too:p
You should become a professional writer, this story has everything and every detail that any writer and I mean professional writer would put in her story. There's love, a lot of passion, music, pain and a tad lot of emotions (I'm running outta words, damn it!)
I honestly had no idea that Jimmy would leave in the end. I just kept on hoping that Emily might change him and my hopes were multiplied when Emily found out that she was pregnant. I really wish Jimmy could have met his little one :)
And Brian's unconditional love for Emily really, really touched my heart. It was really amazing how both of them held on to each other throughout the story. Some chapters brought tears to my eyes, some made me grin like a chesire cat and some particular chapters made me wanna smack Brian so badly!
The story of Jess and Zacky was really sweet. I loved the way Zacky helped her out. And then there's Matt and Kim. At one point, I thought they won't be together forever. But you surprised me! But I felt so, so bad for Mei. It just broke my heart to see her shatter when Jimmy left. But glad that she slowly moved on :)
This is beautifully written and every action done and every words said by the characters felt so real. Thank u sooooooo much for giving us something as special as this to read!!
8/3/16