I was strongly holding my hands back not to throw my old amp at Jess’s head if she wasn’t going to stop playing that same passage from the same music over and over and over again.
It was fucking 8 in the morning, for God’s sake!! She really needed to stop with this bad morning habits. We were fucking musicians, it’s not necessarily normal and it’s not in our musical genetics to wake up that early to practice. I couldn’t take that sound anymore and got out of the bedroom, shouting at her:

“BREAK TIME, PLEASE! If I hear another C sharp bumping into a D I swear I’ll commit a murder right now!”

“Sorry Ems, need to practice! I need this to be perfectly done until tonight’s rehearsal. I can’t stop now!” she screamed back from the living room and after a few seconds, there it goes, the eighty-fifth time I would hear that same maddening phrase. “And how do you know I’m missing precisely the C sharp?”

“You see, you’re such a nice friend you even forgot I have perfect pitch! You are really into the fact that this shit is driving me insane and without sleep at 8 in the morning, right?” I grumbled and took a deep breath. “I’m so damn tired of abnormal day-habits pianists. I really need to start looking for a roommate that can actually sleep in the morning, like regular people do.” Very stressed out, I slammed the door shut and threw myself back on my bed, pillow over my ears.

“Hey Ems, what the fuck is happening to you? My piano is always on sly when you’re sleeping, you know that, you can’t even hear it from here. You’ve been acting weird and mistreating me for days now…What is the matter?” Jess just appeared on my bedroom door staring at me.

“Your music is pissing the hell out of me, Jess. That is the matter. Could you at least stop until I fall asleep again, please?” all I could do was to beg her. I didn’t have enough strength for fighting with her then.

“Of course I can stop, but it’s not just my piano sound that is bothering you these days. I know what it is! This is about Jimmy, right?” She asked while seating on my bed, close to my feet. I stayed in a silent moment, thinking about all she had said.

“Damn, I don’t know why I’m still thinking about him… We haven’t exchanged phone numbers, only spent one night together, a hell of a night by the way. I even came to think he had really liked me. And now, not even a quick appearance here, no news, no nothing for an entire week. I should’ve let it go a long time ago…”

“Well, you do know where he lives as well. Why don’t you come by before your shift at the store? And take his fucking phone number now, please? You dumbass!” Jess started to tickle my foot and I pushed my feet away, laughing. She was totally right. Why couldn’t I just show my interest in him also?

“All right, I’m going there today just to see what‘s up. And now get the fuck out of here cause my sleep is coming back!” I put my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes. “By the way, relax, the passage is almost perfect, go rest a little and when you least expect, the magic will have already stepped into your neurons.” I smiled and winked at her, looked at the other side of the bed and then she went close to the door.

“Oh, the master of rehearsal has spoken! How long has it been since you don’t practice your guitar?”

“Long enough to not forget my solos and not to drive you insane while playing non-stop.”

“Well, you are used to play the whole night and with loud distortion. Believe me, you’ve woken me up more times than I’ve done.”

“All right, all right, Jessica!! Stop yammering and leave me alone now, would ya?” I threw a pillow on her direction and she diverted by going out of my bedroom, closing the door behind her. I could hear her loud laughs.

---

I left home one hour earlier than my shift at the music store and went down the street to Jimmy’s. My street only had humble homes, nothing fancy like Jimmy’s house. That neighborhood had so much economic diversity, a weird contrast at my point of view. Who would’ve thought that Rev lived so close to my house? I certainly would never.

I took a deep breath before turning the corner of his street. All I could see was huge houses lavishing ostentation and the last and most extravagant of them was the one I was looking for.
With the sun overhead, I tried to look at the front porch to see any signs of him. The mansion looked like there was no one living in there for a while. Then I looked over at his mailbox and it was full of letters, also a few lying on the floor. Strange!
I knew they were on a short tour for the surroundings, so, his house just couldn’t be all empty for that long.

After some investigation, I decided to throw a paper with my number under his front door, since the mailbox was overflowing. But I wasn’t planning on left before ringing the doorbell. I knew I would be disappointed to see no answer but…I needed to try at least. I rang one…two…three times. Nothing. I wondered if that day could get any worse...

“Shit, Jimmey!!” I kicked the grass angrily and started to walk straight to the store where I worked a few streets away.

For a long time, I wasn’t able to find someone that could make me smile. In fact, to fake smiles is easy, we do it all the time. To the family, parents, to your best friend, to someone nice to you… But Jimmy really had resuscitated that joy feeling inside of me, he would make me smile like I never thought I could anymore. How can I feel completely happy with someone I’ve just met? I never believed on stuff such like ‘love at first sight’ shit.
I had already tried to find this kind of comfort and happiness in other men and none of them was able to fill the void. That’s the main reason I was into heroine and other addictive stuff like that, cause it was as if my emptiness was being filled by the supreme ecstasy of the drug. A void that had never been filled before and now I was just hoping that Jimmy could fill it. I simply needed someone to fix me, not something. But if it was just ‘something’ I had in hands then, why should I deprive myself of it?

“Wow, did you fall off the bed today, Clarke? Never seen you around here before 2 o’clock sharp.” Ed, the head of my shift, had the simplest task there: to piss me off. And today I certainly wasn't in the mood for his stupid jokes.

“Bite me, sucker! Not in the mood for your crap today…” I went in and almost knocked down the guitars hanging in my way with my anger. Ed shrugged and turned his face away. I passed the counter and went directly to the back where it was my precious locker.

What the heck was going on with me anyway? One night together and I was addicted to that guy already. And then I appeared to be in an acute abstinence crisis, all bad tempered and depressed. It seemed just like my high school time all over again, I would push my parents to the limit with all my obsessive and contrasting behavior. By the way, that’s exactly why I left home. But now there’s a small but: I’m 25 years old and I don’t have time for stupid puberty attacks, I can simply relax smoking a joint.

I’ve quickly opened up my locker and took a paper package hid on the pocket of an old sweatshirt. I was just waiting for the right moment to take it, just when I would get too stressed out with Ed or annoyed by some wannabe guitar player customer that only knows how to play Nothing Else Matters repeatedly while choosing his guitar as he thinks he can impress me.
The whole world is bothering me at the time. So, I guess I could call it the perfect moment then.

I took the joint, my lighter and skipped through the back door, hoping that nobody had seen me there. I looked at my watch, ten before two. It is enough time, I guess.
I looked at both sides at that tiny dead-end street and it was clear. I lit up the brown cigarette, inhaling it immediately.

Oh, the first blow!! They should make a song about it. So overwhelming, warming up your body, shutting off most of your rationality and blocking your anxiety instantly.
One more blow and…wow! The world seemed more alive and colorful. Pure magic running through your insides to kill your demons.
Another blow and…well, the great next feeling was replaced by a huge scare which could’ve been worse if I wasn’t sufficiently stoned already.

“WHAT IN THE FUCKING DEVIL’S NAME YOU’RE THINKING YOU’RE DOING, CLARKE!! WHAT IS THE FIRST RULE AROUND HERE?? NO DRUGS IN THE STORE, PERIOD. ITS BAD FOR BUSINESS!!!” Ed came practically yelling at my face with an angry voice loud enough for the whole world to hear but me and I just stood there, smoking. I mean, I wasn’t going to waste my weed just because of that lost cause. I was already high as kite, damn time that fucker appeared to ruin my moment.

“It’s just pot, Ed, relax, dude! And I’m not even on, it’s not 2 pm yet.” I just gave him my languid reply and looked at him with droopy eyes. I was completely loose even though I was about to lose my job.

“Oh, you’re not on yet, right. And you will never be on again cause you’re out of here! I endured your delays, lame excuses and don’t you think I’ve never seen the track marks on your arms. But to do it here, at your work place? You’re not gonna go far with those bad habits and your lame guitar performance, you know. I wouldn’t invite you to play at a cemetery! GOODBYE EMILY!” furious Ed turned his back to me and went to the store, slamming the door shut after.

Yes…the day could get worse…worse than ever.

---

I’ve only noticed it was six pm because the sky was starting to get dark. I had spent all the rest of that afternoon at Huntington Park, just wandering and watching the beautiful landscape that was much contrasted with my life. Jobless, moneyless and…Jimmy-less. I couldn’t dare to go home to face Jess’s disappointment towards me.
All I had left was Jess and some useless band-gig that didn’t even pay the drinks I consumed in one night playing. And if I was going to rely on Ed’s opinion about me, not even the corpses would like my music.

I’ve tried vainly to seek reasons for not drinking and dosing myself up to death at that memorable day. After all, it was my answer to everything: to get wasted until I couldn’t remember my name. So I decided to put my plan into practice. Sooner I would start drinking, sooner it would all be over. I would just wake up in the next day with a bad hangover or I would be nicely ready to go on my own terms, either way, I was okay with it.

I went home and there was no sign of Jess, she must’ve gone to the auditorium already. I was quite relieved, it was easier like that. No goodbyes, no crying, no talking me out of it. This fucking life just wasn’t for me, no one could convince me otherwise. I was determined I wanted to die and I was fully prepared to leave out all the rest behind me. I'm ready for that peace that is just on the otherside...

I put on a full black low-cut blouse and skirt with an old boot and left my house not before taking a few shots of JD I had hidden once for emergencies. I went out aimlessly, keeping in mind that maybe I would just never come back. Just like that, easily.
It was all cold inside of me, I couldn't feel anything. Some lost souls come with factory default. I knew I was one of them since I was a little kid, why insist on something that was never going to change?

All the good rock’n roll bars I knew and had played once were at main street of South Gate. I was aware that finding some old faces around here wouldn’t be so hard but I just couldn’t care less; all I wanted was to find quick pleasure. And the way some of the guys were looking at me, wouldn’t be that difficult to get what I wanted.

After a few more JD and tequila shots, I was uninhibited enough to act on them as I would never be if I was sober.

“Hey cuttie! Looking for someone?” I got out of the bar and approached a bunch of tattooed bikers with their Harley Davidsons parked around them. Yeah, my type…

“Well I’m…looking for some trouble at the moment. Who wants to know?” I smiled seductively, bit my lower lip and licked it afterwards. I wasn’t that good with seduction games but, I was improvising a little based on my dear friend Jack Daniels.

Some of them let out a ‘oohhh’ and other smiled and started to throw their gazes all over my body. I felt embarrassed even though I had alcohol enough in my bloodstream to shut all of those feelings so I could never let it show. Something at the bottom of my heart was telling me that this was more than I could handle. But I decided not to respond to my rational instincts today.

“I wanna know something first. Are you in for a dangerous ride, sweetheart? I can show you the entire city and more…Do you wanna hop in?” the one extremely alike to M. Shadows was showing me the seat of his wonderful motorcycle. Just as I was about to accept his tempting invitation, I heard someone calling out my name by a not-so-strange voice.

“Emily?” Jimmy had just appeared from nowhere and parked his Impala on my side of the street. He kept staring at me without a clue of what was happening there, with all those guys around me. “What are you doing here with…them? Do you know these guys?”

”I’m trying to have fun here…is not what it seems?” I pretended to ignore his concerned tone and my own surprised look. How the hell did he…

“No, it’s not! I think you should come with me now so...please, get in the car! We need to talk…”

“What if I don’t want to? What if I just want to hang around here with them?" I threw a look at M. Shadows copycat and he approached Jimmy’s car window by my side, facing him.

“Yeah, what if she wants to come with me, man? Let her decide!” he said in an intimidating tone, showing his muscular and tattooed biceps to us both. Oh shit, what should I do now? That was a complete change of plans…

“Ems…look, I have a lot to explain to you. Please, we need to talk, and then you can decide whoever you want to go with. Just…please, get in the car, ok? I won’t let you stay here with them when I can smell whisky all over your breath…” ignoring the big guy, his blue eyes were practically begging me to give him a shot. Suddenly, my urge to smile again appeared in a flash. What was up with this power he had on me anyway? I felt my heart pumping fast through my chest and maybe that was a sign. I was still alive...
I looked at Shadows and gave him my best sorry puppy-eyes.

“If you prefer the skeleton, okay…You know where to find me when you get bored.” he said to me and went back to his bike, with his friends. To my astonishment, he lost to Jimmy in a kind of a classy way.

I turned my head to Jimmy’s car and hesitated for a moment. Maybe I would regret this later but I just wanted to hear what he had to say. I got into the car with his big blue eyes never leaving mine.

---

“So…” I interrupted the awkward silence and took a sip of my cup of coffee, hoping that I would get rid of those stupid alcohol effects, something I never thought I would want. “How’d you find me, Rev?” he stared at me thoughtfully, probably wondering why his stage name was being used by me.

“I saw your note at my front door, so, I decided to go after you and not to call you. I went to your house, it was all dark inside. Then I went to the music store you said you work and some weirdo just came yelling at me that it was better if I never come back there looking for you. And when I was almost inside my car, running away from that creepy guy, he finished telling me you were fired.” I nodded at every word that came out of his mouth. Yeah, that was Ed, creepy guy. “So…I imagined you would be playing today and then it reminded me you had said you used to play with your band here at main street. And now…here I am. And here you are, sitting with me, at some stupid dinner, just waiting for me to explain my absence this whole week, am I right?” he sobered suddenly and continued playing his blue eyes with intensity up to mine. Whoa, for a guy that wasn’t giving a shit about me, he remembered a lot!

“Yes, you’re damn right! But I can pretty much picture what you’re thinking about me. All I meant for you was just a one night stand, right? Even after I told you I wasn’t there with you just for fun, that I wasn’t anything like a groupie and you said you weren’t looking for one and…” he interrupted me.

“Well, all you are assuming is wrong from beginning to end. If you let me, I’ll explain everything.”

“Okay, rockstar, impress me!” I arched my eyebrows and crossed my arms on defensive mode.

“I don’t know how much you know about me but…” he hesitated a bit, staring at a window close to our table with a nice view to the beach. “I have a serious heart problem. One night after our encounter I ended up drinking a lot more than I can and it triggered an arrhythmia, which made desperate Brian take my drunken ass off to the emergency room to spent five days hospitalized. Believe me, my entire childhood was based on doing that, it’s fucking awful. We even had to postpone a few gigs, you can ask anyone.” as I was listening to every word he calmly said, my feature progressively changed from proudly to merciful in matter of seconds. I had heard about his heart problem before but I couldn’t imagine how serious it was.

“Oh, God, Jimmy...I didn’t know you were...hospitalized this whole time...I...”

“No, it’s actually my fault. I should’ve sent someone to tell you. I just didn’t want to scare you away with those crap cause, you know, we’ve just met and...” He said with a pouting lip and a baby face that was making me want to kiss him so bad.

“Your health is not some crap to me, James! I really wish I had known this before…” I saw his hand hanging alone in the table and this urge to interlace my fingers into his emerged from my heart in seconds. He allowed access to my grip and started to make circular drawings in my hand as well, staring at me. I was totally embarrassed now that I knew what had really happened. My mind was regretting itself like crazy, I wish he would know that.

“I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again, I promise…” he forced a smile looking at me. “But…what were you doing in company of those guys before?”

“Well…it’s a long story. Do you really want to hear it?” now it was my turn to force a smile and I could feel my mind scolding me like never before. Then I felt his grip tightening on my hand, like he was giving me permission to trust him. Maybe I should just trust him now…

“I have all the time in the world for you…” his eyes overflowed with patience and interest.

“Ok…there it goes. Earlier today I finally decided to pass by your house because I couldn’t handle myself anymore without hearing from you. I got tired of waiting and I was thinking that maybe this was only my interest. So, after waiting for some answer and not having it, I let my number on your door and went to my day job at the store. My nightmare continued when that creepy guy you’ve met today, my boss, caught me smoking weed in the back door, before my shift. So technically I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I needed to forget you existed so…” Jimmy apologized with his eyes and I proceeded. “When I finally meet someone…interesting like you, well, I would be the luckiest girl in the world if you could feel what I was feeling. I knew it was a long shot but…”

“Now you know that is not a long shot…” my insides melted with his sentence.

“Yeah, I guess…” I grinned. “Then that fucker started to shout at me the store policies and shit like that. ‘No drugs’ it was always the first rule there and so I was caught up in the act. Obviously, he fired me not before despising me.” My glance fell down instantly. He was about to know my darkest side, I could never stare at him.

“Really, just because of a damn joint? Pot shouldn’t even be considered a drug…”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought too, he completely overreacted. Then I just ran to Huntington Park and stayed there the entire afternoon, thinking about how meaningless my life had been until today. I felt like I wanted to quit, to give up. I didn’t have anything else left, you weren’t with me… It’s pretty silly, isn’t it?” I giggled ironically as his gaze was dragging me into the undertow of his blue ocean eyes and, as much as I tried, I wasn’t able to look away now. “So I decided to run after some foolish random guy willing to buy me all the H I could stuff into my veins in exchange of… Oh my God, I’m the most fucked up person that could be talking to you right now, Jim…I’m a mess! You don’t deserve this shit…” I detached my hand from his grip and land it directly to my teary eyes, trying to hide my sadness. I guess it was too late now… “If you hadn’t got there, Jimmy, I…I swear I would’ve left this world without even hesitating…”

“No, don’t say that, Emily! I would never let that happen. You are here with me, right? It was meant to be. And you have to stop putting me on a fucking pedestal, okay? I’m probably the most unbounded person you’ll meet in your life. Look at me! I went to the fucking hospital for drinking my brains off even though I have this problem that would never allow me to do all the stuff I usually do. Do you want a messier life than this?” he nodded negatively and smiled ironically, putting back to my ears one lock of my hair fallen in my face while gently caressing my cheek. Tears were still rolling down, just couldn’t stop my emotions now. “Don’t cry… Everything is gonna get better…I can promise you that. So sorry for this damn misunderstood…” I finally tried to clean up my face from all those salty tears and he helped me with his soft touch. Oh, I missed that touch…

I wasn’t able to figure out why I had cried like that. Maybe for sadness, maybe for relief he had found me before I could mess the whole thing out. All I was feeling now was joy filling up my empty spaces, one by one, just by looking at his eyes and having all cleared up.

“It’s okay, James… I’m okay now! But I want your damn number RIGHT NOW!” I chuckled a bit loud from my post-crying noises and held his face.

“Sure! But I want something first…” he grinned and left his seat to sit up right next to me.
He placed his fingers in my face again and the softness of his touch made me close my eyes even before I could notice his lips landing on mine. And, easily, I parted my mouth for him to take me into a quite tender kiss. Our tongues danced on a very slow pace, like a waltz, and I was wishing that this could never end.

“I missed this so bad...” he mumbled between a kiss and another.

“Me too, Jim...me too...” I whispered back and we sustained it ad infinitum.

Notes

a lil bit of angst on this one, hahaha, sorry, I can't help it, I like it! xD
Hit me your thinking, please! =D