James had been quiet all the way to Johnny’s. He seemed more thoughtful than usual and walked a little too far from me. I couldn’t hear his breathing and not a single word of comfort from him as my palms were soaking in anxiety. I was almost convinced to tell him an excuse just to go find my next fix and get rid of all those annoying feelings when we arrived.

“Jimmy, are you sure he…” I stopped before we could walk through Johnny’s front door.

“Yes, Emily. Why do you seem so afraid of talking to him anyway?” Jimmy asked dry, looking inside my eyes for the first time since we got out of my house.

I couldn’t just tell him what happened and all the words I said to Johnny that night on the car. I would scare him as much as I scared Johnny. I really didn’t want him to meet my darkest side again.

“I almost killed him, Jimmy. What did you expect?”

“Can you just forget about that for one second and remember everything’s fine with him now and maybe he just wants you to know that? Jeez…” he raised his tone almost screaming at my face. What the fuck was going on with that man? Half an hour ago he was saying he loved me and now he was practically saying he was sick of it. “I’m ringing the doorbell!”

“Fine, go ahead…” he rang it and Johnny showed up, looking quite pale and haggard. He drew a sweet smile and welcomed us inside.

Jimmy hugged him first and he grumbled. “Hey man, careful, I’m still sore everywhere!”

“I just hope you’re not dumber than you were before, short shit.”

“Maybe the doctors made me wiser now, who knows. They fucking cracked my head open!” Johnny chuckled all proud of the micro holes in his head, still acting like the same silly guy he always is and moved his glance to me. Oh shit, I thought he had forgotten me…

“Hey, Emily!” I came closer and didn’t know if I should really hug him or not. I hesitated with my arms and he just brought me into an embrace. He didn’t sound angry or anything. Maybe he was just waiting for the right time to unburden his chest on me later. “I’m glad you’re okay and they didn’t have to do to your head what they did to mine.” he grinned sweetly and pointed at my bruised forehead.

I could only try to smile back, and maybe I did it I don’t really know. The only thing I knew for sure is that I wasn’t expecting that kind of nice reception he was giving me.

“I’m happy to know you are okay too, John. And I’m…” he interrupted me.

“Hey, come here, I want you to meet the cutest baby girl you’ll ever see.” he walked to his stairs all excited and I looked at Jimmy before I could follow Johnny, waiting for his allowance somehow.

He stepped forward without smiling and I took that as a sign to follow them. Whatever that cold stare he was giving me meant.

We reached Johnny’s bedroom and Lacey was there, resting comfortably on her armchair and cradling little Amanda lovingly. The sweetest scene I could ever ask to see and all I could feel was shame. Cause that beautiful scene could’ve been entirely different now. And inside my mind, that alternate reality was looping over and over just to torture me.

Jimmy grinned with gleam to Lacey and got close to her to say hi to them. I stood on the door, unsure of how she was gonna react to my presence there. The question was: what Johnny had told her really?

“Emily, come on in, don’t be shy. I know you’re not.” Johnny called me and I took a deep breath before finally entering the room.

My mouth drew a forced smile as I walked close to Lacey. She wasn’t really happy to see me, I could tell. Her cold stare could pierce my heart more than Jimmy’s now. Yeah, too easy to be true. And I couldn’t really blame her to not want me to get near her daughter after what I did to her husband.

Johnny grabbed my hand and pulled me even closer. Lacey nodded and I could sense she was previously convinced by Johnny to let me do that. I finally looked at that tiny little thing sleeping peacefully, her face was so perfect, maybe the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. I glanced at Jimmy quickly and his eyes were shining like blue light bulbs to the little baby. Despite of the fact that we never talked about getting married and having kids someday, I knew deep inside he was born to be a father. I just didn’t know if I was the right woman to give him that gift. Well, after last night, I was pretty sure I wasn't...

“She’s gorgeous, Johnny!” I whispered, stepping back to face him. “You both did an incredible job.” I beamed truthfully this time. I saw Johnny smiling either and maybe, just maybe, Lacey too.

“Hey… Emily. Can I talk to you outside for a minute?” Johnny asked me, the lines of his face finally turning into serious ones. Time for lecture has come…

“Okay…” I stared at Jimmy again, searching for the strength he always had to offer me when I needed. But there was nothing inside those eyes for me this time. Why, god, why? Is he… suspicious about something? No, there’s no way he can know. Is there?

I followed Johnny downstairs and on his backyard we sat on a wood bench facing the green area and the pool he had. The sun was bright but not really getting in the way of our sights now.

I sighed and my self-defense system decided I should start that conversation I know exactly where it would go before we ended up shouting at each other.

“Look, John, I know you are holding all your fury I caused you for this moment, so… let me just spare your time okay? I was completely hammered and out of my mind that night, I know it doesn’t really justify anything, but I want you to know that I’m really sorry for all I’ve put you through, it was never my intention to cause my friend any harm. And if you say you want me out of your life and stay away from you and your family, please, say it now and you’ll never see me again.”

He listened to all I had to say staring deep inside my eyes. But I couldn’t actually see rage on his gaze, for my surprise.

“Wow, calm down, Emily. I didn’t bring you here into my house to yell at you and stuff. What’s the point in that? It already happened, we can’t change it, we can only move on thinking everything is fine now. I’m fine, you are fine, Amanda is born healthy and… that’s what matters, right?” on that moment, I found the serenity I searched for on Jimmy’s eyes all day long. I found it on Johnny’s words.

I stretched my shoulders up and down to feel the weight of the guilt decreasing progressively. His forgiveness meant the world to me.

“Of course I was angry at first. But then, everything you said to me that night, your words kept roaming over and over in my head and it got me wondering. Well…” Johnny faced the horizon for a second and sighed before turning to me again. “I called you here cause I’m really worried about you…” he had pitiful eyes. I’ve heard those words a thousand times before, from innumerous different persons, but this time I saw truth there. I saw meaning.

I gulped hard cause I knew some tears were about to shed. I had to quickly think of something to get away from that talk. I was tired of explaining to everyone I wasn’t really broken, so, why bother to fix me?

“Johnny, there’s really nothing to be…”

“Don’t tell me screaming you wanna die several times is really something you would do if you were sane.” I clenched my jaw strongly. I knew every single one of my flaws, I hated to be forced to confront them. “Is it?”

I wish I could just be honest with him, tell everything that has been choking me since I knew myself. I knew he was ready to listen. But he wasn’t being paid by the hour, was he? Johnny wasn’t my damn shrink. Why would I bother him with my crap? Why would I ever tell him my wish to die was always seeking me everywhere, no matter what, and he just happened to see me almost letting this wish finally win?

I couldn’t reply anything. I just look away.

“If you ever need help from us, your friends… you would ask, right?” he had no idea how much my pride hated that kind of question, afraid that someday I would just give in and say yes. But I don’t really see that day coming for now.

“Yes, Johnny, I would.” The only thing left for me was a lie. Another one for my collection.

“Promise?” he insisted and my heart ached. People need to learn how to stop losing their precious time with me. It wasn’t worth it, really.

“Yeah…” I brushed away a tear that escaped my eye.

“Can I be angry and yell with you now?” he joked.

“I’m all ears!” I chuckled in a bittersweet feeling. “But please, Johnny… can we keep this between us now? I’m not really proud of the things I said to you that night so…”

He faced the ground with a frown and then faced me again.

“Okay, if that’s what you want. I didn’t mention it to anyone, really, not even to Lacey. I wanted to talk to you first.” I nodded with a half-smile and he was about to get inside his house again when I held his arm.

“Thank you, John. Really. I won’t ever forget how nice you are to me. And I’m sorry again…” my eyes were completely filled with water again. He brought me to a hug unexpectedly and it made me collapse into tears right there on his arms.

When I finally calmed myself, I smiled at him, wiping my messed eyes. “I hope Lacey can forgive me eventually…”

“Yeah, she will cope with everything, just give her some time…” I nodded and we both got back inside.

Relief filling my soul.

---

We had a great evening at Johnny’s, we ordered food and talked about everything but the accident. Emily was looking a lot more cheerful and relaxed after talking to Johnny and I couldn’t help but feel good too, even after what I saw on her bed. I had my heart broken but I couldn’t really pretend I didn’t have any feelings for her anymore. Love just doesn’t work like this.

We left Johnny’s house and walked through the dark neighborhood streets as the questions started to poke my tongue to come out. Should I bring that subject now? I know I promised I wouldn’t let my jealousy get in front of me but I couldn’t just let go this time. It would eat my bones.

She said Brian’s just her friend. So I have to believe her, I have to. Maybe he gave her that bandana, maybe is just a souvenir. But why she kept it behind her mattress? To fantasize about him as looking at his pictures on the wall?

Fuck, maybe I’m overreacting…

And Brian, he’s one of my oldest friends, I know him forever, we trust our lives on each other. But the way he looks at her, I know that look. Would he want her so much that our friendship wasn’t even a barrier for him?

I mean, it’s just too written all over their faces and all over the places. So I’m probably mistaken. Right?

“Jim?” her voice pulled me out of my thoughts and I glanced down at her as she came a little closer. “You’ve been acting weird all day, James, what’s going on? Is it about your car? I swear I’m gonna find a jo…”

“Why didn’t you ever ask me to stay at your house before?” she gave me a puzzled gaze.

“What… what kind of question is that?”

“Yeah, you want me to rephrase it? Okay, here it goes, why the hell you have all those posters signed by Brian on the wall before I could even get inside your room for the first time? Why was he there before me? I was after you all day and night long, calling you a thousand times. Why did you talk to him and not with me? Why, Emily?” God, all those questions came out in a jolt. They were suffocating me.

We both stopped walking to stand face to face.

“Cause he came to talk to me, he was worried, I couldn’t just throw him out! And I knew you would get pissed about the posters so that’s why I didn’t ask you over. I wanted to take them out of my wall first but I didn’t have time to do it. Here’s your why!” she opened her both arms in surrender and started walking again, faster and not waiting for me.

I hated those answers she was giving me but they were all I had so far. It was almost like she said a lot but I couldn’t really find meaning on her words. And only one question left for me to do. But I was too frightened of the answer I would have.

We arrived at her door without trading any words after that. I was ready to turn my back to go when she held my hand and entwined her fingers on mine. God, don’t start with emotional blackmail now, cause I had serious chance of falling on it.

“Hey, come on, don’t go like this. Come on in, let’s seat and talk. I’ll make coffee.” She was appealing to her charms now. Another trap I could easily fall.

“No, Emily, I’m tired, okay? I gotta go home now.” I looked at the ground, trying to set me free from her bewitching glare.

“Look… I really appreciate what you’ve been doing, Jimmy. You take me to face Johnny and his wife, you forgave me for messing up your car. I know I don’t deserve all of this but you’re still there for me. You do more than I could ask for. I’m sorry if I’m not the woman you thought I was. The woman you deserve.” She placed her hand on my face and held me to face her again. What does she mean by that? “I don’t wanna lose you…”

Her hand slipped to my neck and brought my face closer to hers. She landed her lips on mine and I had to fight hard not to let her in. Fight against her closeness and that crazy feeling I had when she was around me. Fight against every part of my body begging me to have her. Fight against my biggest addiction.

She stepped back when I didn’t reply to her kiss and had a disappointed face.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna… come in?” she tried one more time. But I swore I wouldn’t give in. Not this time.

“I just need some time to think, okay? I’m gonna go home tonight. I’ll call you.”

I let my hand slip out of hers and walked away, trying to understand all that mess inside my head. I couldn’t really distinguish the lies from the truths when she speaks to me, not even looking deep inside her eyes. But I was certain of something: I need some long time apart from Emily and Brian for now.

---

I watch him walk away from me and he didn’t look back once. At that exact moment, I sensed he might never call me back. And he was damn right to want to stay away. He did everything to keep us together and I just worked harder and harder to lose him. I asked for this moment and it really came…

I knew I didn’t really deserve that kind of loving but it hurt to see it slipping away from my hands. In fact, I didn’t know it would hurt that much until now.
I already missed his blue eyes, his sweet way of treating me, the lovingly and slow way we make love. Where was that warm look he always had when facing me? Damn, where was it?

I got inside my house thinking that this was the end. And probably the last time I would see Jimmy.

I went to the fridge, got the bottle of wine and rushed to my bedroom. I looked around and that place could only remind me of someone now. His scent was still filling the air and I hated to love it. I hated to have to look at my bed and remember of all the incredible moments we shared there. But most of all, I hated that I missed Brian as much as I missed Jimmy.

Why, God? Why did I let him mess with my head that way? Brian can have his adventures with any woman he wants in a blink of an eye. Why the hell did he choose me? Maybe that was his thing? Is cheating on his best friends his favorite hobby or something?

I was damn sure that now he had screwed my life enough, he would just go after the next dangerous experience. After seducing me with the guitars and his caring way, he finally achieved his target. He must be so proud and happy with himself now.

I took a few sips of wine before letting my body fall on the bed. My headache was my dear company the whole day and now it seemed worse. I let my arms stretch on my pillow above my head and my hand felt something stuck on the mattress. I pulled it to my sight and stared at Brian’s black headband for a few minutes before my phone rang.



BRIAN CALLING

“Hey…” I closed my eyes and answered.

“Hey… Can you talk?” he almost mumbled on that nasal and warm tone he had. I could hear some kind of music in the back. A slow jazz to be precise. But the background was silent.

“Yeah, I’m… alone now.” I felt the urge to brush his headband slightly on my nose. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely.

“How it went with Jimmy?”

“Well… we talked.” Damn, what should I say next? My brain could only think about going to his house just a few meters away.

“And…?”

“And that’s it, he’s a little pissed about his car and everything but…” he gasped an ironic laugh to interrupt me.

“You didn’t break up with him, did you?” he had disappointment in his tone and I couldn’t answer right away. I kept listening to his background music that I knew so well and I would never imagine he would listen to it.

‘…Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong.
But tonight you're on my mind so you'll never know’

“No, Brian, I didn't. But he’s really pissed with me right now for more reasons than just his car. Maybe he could sense… something happened, I don’t know.”

“Unless you told him, he can’t know. You told him?”

“Of course not! I can’t keep breaking his heart like this, Brian. If it depends on me, he’ll never know. Okay?” I hoped he would agree.

“Okay…” silence fell a few seconds and I could still hear his radio.

‘I'm broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight? You know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on and too old to break free and run’

“What is that song? You’re not home?”

“Yes, I… was just listening to a few vinyl records I have. This is a jazz collection, I didn’t even know I had it. I knew this song with Jeff Buckley instead, completely different version…”

“Wow, you, listening to smooth jazz… Who would’ve thought?”

“Yeah, you see what you do to me?” I could feel the warmness of his smile on my ear.

What is that supposed to mean? Wasn’t I just another fling for him?

Stop confusing me…

‘Sometimes a man, he gets carried away
When he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Cause sometimes a man must awake to find that, really
He has no one...’

“So… I’m assuming you’re not coming over tonight. Are you?”

God, if he only knew how much I needed to feel him on my arms again. If I could only say I was in the verge of running to his place to never come out again and disappear from the world for good. But I had to put an end to that madness before it could get even more complicated.

I still wasn’t certain of Brian’s intentions, I only knew Jimmy’s. and if I had to choose now, the hardest thing for me to do, I would go to the safest way. Jimmy was the safest, wasn’t he? He’s the right man, he always was.

“No, Brian, I shouldn’t. We should just… forget about what happened, okay? It was all a big mistake and we should never let that happen again. Okay?” my body yearned for him but I had to use my rationality now, something I wasn’t capable of doing when he was standing so close.

His time to be silent now. But I could still hear the song and his heavy breathing.

'So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Oh, Will I ever see your sweet return, oh, will I ever learn?
Oh oh, Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late’

“So… that’s it?”

“Yeah… that’s it.” my headache increased but my heartache was killing me instead.

“Okay, so we should… hang up now.”

“Yeah, Brian, we should.” a few tears formed promptly in my eyes. I lost count of how many times I had cried that day. But all of them hurt like hell. “Bye.”

“Bye…” I heard his breathing one last time before pressing the red button.

I held strongly that piece of fabric I still had in hands one last time and got out of the bed in a violent jolt. As I cried inconsolably and had tears blurring my vision, I started ripping all the pictures I had in that wall. One by one.

I stared at my empty wall and it made me feel worse. It felt cold. I felt lonelier than ever.

But I did the right thing… Didn’t I?

Didn’t I?

But why did it hurt so fucking much?

Notes

hmm tense chap...hard to write =p
But there it is. Hope you enjoy it...

Oh and about the song, i'm going through a bit of a jazzy fase and I thought this version would fit perfectly to Brian's point of view... If you like smooth jazz, give it a listen =D

thanks for putting up with mee-eee
love yaa <3