Welcome to the Family

It was a couple of weeks later after my incident on stage. The guys and I had talked it over a little and we all decided to continue the tour, but if I got to feeling bad again, I had to warn them before I came close to passing out.

I didn’t mention to them that I was thinking about that if it did happen again, or if even worse, I would retire from their singer in the band. I didn’t want to worry or upset them and make matters worse so I continued to act as if everything was okay, and it was…for now. I didn’t want them to worry about every time we had a show and stop focusing on me so much and more on the band itself. If I had to, I would leave, for them…

We’ve played a couple of more shows after my accident without any problems and they all turned out great. We got very good reactions from the people watching us and our crowd began to grow, little by little. We saw the band Paramore again a few days after my accident at a different town in Florida and filled them all in on what happened. They actually seemed to care and wanted to know if I was alright, and that made me happy.

I knew now that we could all turn out to be really good friends. Hayley and I swapped numbers so we could chat through texting. I haven’t texted her yet because the band and I have been so busy lately, but I definitely planned to sometime soon. I needed a female friendship, especially after being surrounded by so many boys all of the time.

We were now somewhere in Texas, heading to a show in Dallas. I was really excited about it and was becoming more confident with performing on stage. This show was going to be our biggest one so far. I could still feel the butterflies from just thinking about it but I didn’t feel like I was going to become nauseous again.

I had a feeling we were pretty close to our stop since Brian was on the phone with our booking agent, who was the one to get us on the Van’s Warped Tour in the first place. I didn’t know what they were talking about but they usually called each other when we were close to a venue to make sure we were still on schedule.

Brian finally hung up and looked at us. “Okay guys, we’ll be in Dallas in a day or two. In the meantime, you guys want to stop and get something to eat?”

Cody nodded and rubbed his stomach. “Fuck yeah, I'm starving.”

Brian laughed. “Okay, we can stop at a diner or something as soon as we pass by one.”

I got up from sitting at the table and went over to sit in between Kyle and Blake. Kyle gave me a confused look and somewhat of a smirk. I only flashed a smile and got more comfortable. He just shook his head at me.
Blake on the other hand smiled back and threw an arm over my shoulder. “What brings you over to this side of the bus?” He playfully joked.

“Yeah, the dark side.” Cody mumbled, offended that I didn’t choose to sit next to him and Will like I always did.

I rolled my eyes. “Well I thought it was time for a change. I'm thinking about trying to become more social.”

“Yeah, good luck with that, oh quiet one.” He said. I wasn’t sure but I think he was mocking a movie or maybe some TV show.

I shrugged. “Hey, there’s no harm in trying.”

“Definitely not, but how is someone like you going to become more social?” Will asked, getting up to pour himself a cup of coffee. He didn’t mean it in a way to offend me.

I thought about it for a minute, still unsure. “Well I could always try talking more.”

Cody snorted. “You...talk more? That’ll be the day.” He mumbled the last part.

I gave him a small glare. “The day for what?”

He flashed a smirk. “The day pigs fly and hell freezes over.”

That got Kyle to burst out a laugh, but once I shot the look at him he quickly shut up and looked away. I looked back at Cody.

“Oh come on, it is not that impossible for me to be social. I can talk if I want to, I just…don’t ever have much to say.”

He gave me a ‘yeah, right’ look, but luckily, before he could say something stupid to me, Brian came back in from being in the passenger seat.

“Alright guys, there’s a restaurant and gas station up ahead. We can park the bus at the store and go eat while a couple of the stagehands fill up the bus.” He said, pocketing his phone.

I stood and went to grab my shoes from the back and slipped them on. By the time I got to the front everyone was ready to go. Damn, did I really take that long just to get my shoes on? On the other hand, was it just because I was a girl who always took the time to get dressed? I shrugged it off.

Before we stopped, I fed Shadow and picked him up in a hug. He had gotten so big and was a lot fatter now. I could barely even lift him. He squirmed to get out of my arms so he could get to his bowl.

“Fine, fatty.” I said as he basically jumped out of my arms as I tried putting him down. His bowl was in the bathroom so as I stood, I looked in the mirror quickly to check how I looked.

I seemed to look a little better than I did the day of our first show. The dark circles under my eyes were starting to fade and I didn’t look so tired anymore. I was really hoping my medicine was finally taking its affect on me now and that I was becoming better.

Suddenly a hand landed on my shoulder and made me jump, causing me to let out a small yelp. I spun around and saw Brian standing there with his hands up, realizing he had scared me. He quickly backed up to give me a little space in the small bathroom. It was hardly made for two people to be in it, let alone just one.

He laughed. “Sorry, didn’t mean to make you jump. I just came to tell you that we’re stopped. The guys are already off the bus waiting inside.”

“Really? I hadn’t even noticed the bus had stopped moving.” I said, now feeling us in park.

He chuckled. “Yeah, come on. I'm sure Shadow will be alright by himself for a little while.” He said, looking down at him as he scarfed down his food. It’s not as if I didn’t feed him, he was just that fat.

I made a pouting face. “So they left without me?”

He laughed and shook his head. “You know how boys can be.”

I laughed, rolling my eyes and walked into the main room with him. “Yeah, and I hate that they can eat all they want and not gain a single pound.”

“You’re not implying that you’re fat, are you?” He raised an eyebrow at me.

I quickly looked away. “No…”

“Chelsea,” He said, turning me to face him. “You are not fat. In fact, I think it would be a good thing if you gained a couple of pounds.”

I laughed, hearing what Cody would have to say to that in my head so I said it aloud without thinking it through. “Why, do you like fat girls Brian?” As soon as I said it, I regretted it and wished I could take it back. I hope he didn’t realize that I was implying if he had liked me. I didn’t even mean to say it, it just blurted out.

He accidentally snorted through a laugh. “Where did you even get that from?” That forced the thought that he could ever like me right out of my head.

I shook my head, trying to throw out my own thoughts. “I think I've been living with Cody for too long.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I can see that. Now come on, I think the boys may be dying of starvation by now.”

I rolled my eyes and stepped off the bus with him following behind. “Oh I think they can wait just a little while longer. It isn’t like it’s going to kill them.”

He laughed. “So are you gonna wait out here for a minute just to torture them?”

I playfully shrugged. “Maybe…probably.”

He smiled and pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his hoodie. “Good, that’ll give me a chance to have a smoke.” He said, bringing one to his lips, then quickly looking up at me and took it out. “You don’t mind, do you?”

I shook my head. “No, not at all. You should know by now that I'm used to it. Remember, Bert’s a heavy smoker?”

He nodded and lit up, taking a drag and then blowing it out. “Yeah, I remember. He drank a lot too, now that I think about it. Though, I can't deny that I didn’t drink right along with him.” He laughed at his last statement.

Memories started to flood in. All of the days I spent on The Used’s tour bus, awakened every night by the sound of them all partying, that is, if I could fall asleep in the first place.

Bert was never a good person when he was under the influence. He was always mean, rude, and never showed that he cared for me anymore like he used to when we were younger, even if sober. The day I left Utah was the day I left my best friend behind, but even if I wanted to, I could never forget him.

I lived in the past, reliving memories and replaying them in my head every day, wondering what I could have done differently. Back then, he was the sweetest person I've ever met and had even saved my life countless times, but now, there was nothing left of him but a memory in my eyes. Bert was gone, no longer in my life, and now that I've been away from him for so long, I think…I'm okay with that.

As I stood there next to Brian, I twirled the small band around my ring finger. It had small hearts with diamonds in the middle of each of them that covered half of the ring with the word forever engraved on the inside. Bert had given me the promise ring when I was sixteen. A promise to stay friends ‘forever’,but now I don’t know if forever is even possible. Forever is a mere word to me…meaningless and empty. Yet still, I wear the ring every day and never take it off.

I shook the thoughts away as Cody came rushing out of the restaurant, going straight to us. “What thehell is taking you so long? I'm starving!”

Brian and I both laughed. “Calm down, I'm just waiting on Brian to finish his cigarette.” I lied.

I would have gone inside anytime I wanted to, but I decided to make them wait even longer and…I wanted to clear my mind before letting everyone else see me, able to read my emotions with one glance. I was never good at hiding my emotions, even to a stranger, and when it came to the guys, I was an open book.

“Well hurry up or we aren’t going to wait for you any longer.” He said, going back inside.

I shook my head at him and turned back around to face Brian. “Well someone needs to take a chill pill.”

He grabbed the cigarette from his mouth. “Speaking of, did you take your medicine today?” He asked, giving me that same look.

I sighed. “Yes, Dr. Schechter, I took them.” I joked since he was now my part-time physician. I officially hired him a week ago, working full time without pay.

He laughed again and put out his cigarette. “You know I only ask you every day because you’re a very forgetful person.”

I tried not to smile and looked down at my feet. “Yeah, I know. I’ve always been that way, and it’s gotten me into a lot of trouble before.” The smile instantly faded as I thought about my mother again.

He frowned too. “What do you mean?”

I was going to give some lame excuse when Kyle came sulking over to us. I instantly knew he was angry by the way he walked. “Chelsea, if you don’t come inside, I swear, I am going to kill Cody.”

I laughed. “Why, what happened?”

He shook his head. “He won't shut the fuck up. Besides, everyone started ordering now.”

I nodded and looked back at Brian to see him silently laughing. “Okay, we’re coming.” I said to Kyle.

“Okay, but to make sure, I'm taking you with me.” He said, moving me along with him by throwing his arm behind my back.

I laughed at the impatience these boys had and went inside the diner. We found the rest of the boys at a large booth in the corner. Brian took the outside seat, and then it was me, Will, Blake, Cody and then Kyle on the other outside. We all ordered once the waiter got to us.

“Alright, so do you know what time we’ll be playing at our next show?” I asked Brian as we waited for the food.

He thought about it for a minute. “Yeah, it’s sometime between 5:00 and 6:30 pm. I'll have to recheck the schedule later.”

“You mean we’re playing a late show?” I asked feeling a little surprised.

He nodded. “Yeah, your first one, but don’t worry, a late show is a lot better than an early one.”

“How’s that?” Kyle asked. I'm sure we all wondered the same thing.

Brian slouched in his seat and had his arm across the back of mine behind me, making me almost blush but I hid it well enough for anyone to notice. I knew it didn’t mean anything though and that kind of discouraged me. “Because more people show up when it’s later in the day and it’s not so hot outside. Then they’ll possibly want to stay for the whole show.”

“Yeah, that is if they like us.” I mumbled.

Cody threw the paper from his straw at me. I tried to bat it away but missed and it hit my forehead. “Hey, what was that for?” I asked, glaring at him.

“Quite being such a negative Nancy. No one wants to hear you whining.”

I scoffed, obviously appalled. The others laugh. “I'm sorry. I can't help that I was born that way.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, and now you’re putting a damper down on us all.”

I made the sad face that none of the boys could resist and would always give in to. Cody sighed. “Damn it, Chels’, you know better than to give me that look.”

When I didn’t say anything, pretending to be upset, he just looked away and down at his drink, not wanting to give in.

From under the table, I rolled up a piece of the corner of my napkin, wet it quickly when no one was looking and stuffed it inside my straw. As he looked down, I brought it to my mouth and blew through the straw. The spitball went flying across the table, over everyone’s drinks, and then smacked Kyle’s cheek.

My hand flew to cover my shocked expression and quickly hid all of the evidence that I did it under the table. I had completely missed my target, aiming for Cody but I was off on my aim and was too far to the right.

He quickly looked up to see who had done it but when it had landed, I quickly went to take a sip of my drink and turned away towards Brian’s direction.

Then suddenly I heard a loud smacking sound. I looked up as Cody shouted in reaction. “Hey, what was that for?” He asked, rubbing his shoulder.

Kyle glared at him. “Why do you think, dumb ass? You just threw something at my face!”

“What are you talking about? I was taking a drink!” Cody shouted in his own defense.

He smirked. “Then who the hell did it?” The smirk formed into a glare and landed on Will.

Will shook his head. “Uh-uh, don’t even look at me Kyle. I was too busy texting on my phone to even notice what was going on until I heard Cody shouting.”

Before Kyle could even look to Blake, I thought up a way to keep him from thinking it was me. “It was Brian!” I shouted quickly.

“What?” Everyone asked, looking at me weirdly.

Brian turned to me and then back at Kyle, who in return was giving him a weird look. “I swear it wasn’t me. I was talking to Chelsea.” He lied.

Neither of us had said a word to each other at the time. Did he see me do it and was now covering for me?

I decided to go along with it and nodded. “Yeah, he was just asking if I took my medicine.” That was the only thing I could think of that fast.

He shook his head, not believing me. “Then how come you said Brian did it?”

I made a small pouting face. “I just wanted everyone to stop fighting.” I said, pretending to be upset again.

After seeing my expression, everyone quit fighting and dropped the subject, just like I wanted them to. I turned to Brian and mouthed a thank you. He nodded and gave a small smile.

As soon as we all finished eating we got back on the bus with full stomachs. I threw myself down on the couch and exhaled slowly, feeling how heavy I felt after eating so much. Of course, the boys ate ten times more than I did, but I had enough food to make me feel sick for a week.

Brian stepped on to the bus last and shut the door. He sat across from me on the opposite couch while Cody sat in the middle of Will and me. “Okay guys,” He said, pulling out his phone and looking through it quickly. “By the looks of it, we’ll be in Dallas by late tomorrow. Your show starts the next day at 5:45 pm on stage…” He paused to check again.

“Ah, stage 7. In the mean time, I’ll be meeting up with a few friends of mine for lunch. You’re all welcome to join me of course, mostly because the subject of our discussion will be you.” He said, his eyes landing on me.

I gave him a confused look. “Me?”

He nodded his head and smiled. “Yeah, all of you. They want to hear some of your songs, and if they like you…” He said, meeting my eyes again and stayed there, hardly blinking. “Then they’ll do you all a favor by promoting you to their friends in the music business, and if they like you,” He stopped, flashing a clandestine smile. “Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.”

“What?” They guys and I all shouted at the same time.

“No, tell us now!” Cody demanded, on the edge of his seat.

Brian laughed, knowing exactly that this would happen. “Sorry guys, I want it to be a surprise.”

“No, come on! You can't just leave us hanging like that, tell us!” I shouted, practically begging.

He scrunched up his nose and laughed. “Nope, sorry.” He said, popping the p. His smile became sly when he saw how anxious we all were to hear what he was going to say.

I made my famous pouting face at him. He instantly hid his face, trying to look away. I laughed and broke my stare, unable to stay serious.

“I'm going to meet with them sometime in the afternoon on the day of your show. It’ll mostly be all business, but like I said, you’re welcome to join.” He said, peeking out from behind his hands at me.

All I could do was shake my head at him and try not to laugh. He sighed in relief and put his arms back down. “Yeah, I'll be there,” I said after thinking it over. Maybe that way I'll be able to hear about the ‘surprise’ he had in store for us, that is, if they like our music.

“Yeah, I think we should all go. It will be good for us to be around that kind of stuff and learn more about the music industry, maybe gain a little more experience.” Blake said, looking at us for approval to his suggestion. The guys and I all agreed.

Brian nodded. “Cool, and you’re right Blake. You guys should definitely be around more for the business side of being in a band.” He said, leaning back in his seat. “I mean, of course you can all trust me to have your backs, but if one day I'm not here and you guys get an offer for a gig, you’ll need to be able to handle it on your own.”

Blake and the rest of them all nodded, knowing he was right. I patted Cody’s knee and stood from the couch. “Okay, well, I'm going to take a nap and get some rest. Come get me when we arrive in Dallas.” I said, waving off to them before they could even reply.

I didn’t want them asking me if I was feeling bad again or for them to worry. It was weird for me to take naps in the middle of the day, but with all of the lack of sleep I've been getting since being in the hospital, I could have passed out on the floor any minute now from exhaustion.

Ever since I had that dream nightmare of myself being back in my old, childhood home, inside my mother’s too-bright-for-her-personality kitchen, I couldn’t get any sleep. That nightmare felt too much like reality to have been fake.

I felt like I was reliving a memory, that I was trapped inside my seventeen your old body, once again, having to re-experience all of the abuse I had to face as a kid. I was already imprisoned as a teenager to being forced to stay inside the house, which the only time I was ever let out was to go to school, I didn’t want to have to face it all again.

I was just so happy and relieved that I only imagined seeing her, me being there. I would die before I ever went back to her. It would kill me just to see her again, and believe me, she’s tried more than once to make that happen.

I went into the bunk room and shut the door behind me, sliding open the curtains to find shadow lying on my covers, curled up in a ball. I smiled and shook my head at him, climbing inside to lay right next to him.

I dug out my mp3 player from underneath my pillow and plugged in the headphones, crying myself asleep to one of my favorite songs from the past. Own My Own, from The Used’s first self-titled album. It reminded me so much of my past, about Bert, about his band mates and best friends Jeph, Quinn and Branden.

It even reminded me of the day I told Bert for the first time that I loved him, and how he told me ‘good to know’, letting me hop inside that cab and drive off to the airport to fly to Chicago without another word.

My mother decided it was best that I didn’t see him anymore, so she made me pack up the little bit of items I owned, including clothes, and forced me to move up to Illinois. Who was moving better for, me, or her? She wanted to get me away from Bert, because she knew he was the only one who could stop her. He was the only one who knew about the abuse and who could save me, and he did save me, he saved my soul from the countless torture I encountered every day of my life, just by being there for me. However, no matter how much he made me hate myself, who I was, I still loved him…through all of these years.


† † †

I don’t know how long I had been asleep, and I didn’t know what had woke me up, but I could feel the wetness from my tears against my cheek on my pillow. Light flooded into my normally dark bunk from behind me. Suddenly I felt my shoulder lightly being shaken with my back turned, and someone was calling my name.

At first, the voice sound like his voice, but then I told myself I would have been crazy if I thought he was here. He didn’t even know where I was staying, let alone know that I was still alive. I must have been dreaming. There was no way he was here with me. I had told him I hated him. So why would I even think that it could be him?

“Chelsea?” Someone squeezed my shoulder gently. “Are you okay?”

I feared to turn around, revealing to myself that I was right, that it could never have been him. I forced myself to look over my shoulder. At first, I saw a pair of blue eyes, and at that instant, hope flooded through me, but then, as I wiped away the tears to clear my vision, Brian appeared in front of me with a sad expression.

He looked down at me with troubled eyes. I used my sleeve to wipe away a stray tear from my cheek, trying to hide the fact that I was crying and sat up in bed. “Brian, what’s wrong?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing.” He said, furrowing his brow at the sight of how horrible I must have looked right now. “You’ve been sobbing for the last hour. At first, they told me you would rather be left alone, and to give you some space, but after while I just felt so bad. I had to come and check on you.”

I shook my head and tried to play it off as nothing. “Thanks, but I'm fine. I must have had another bad dream, I guess.”

He cocked an eyebrow at me, calling my bullshit. “Chelsea, what’s wrong? I’ve never seen you sad like this before.”

“I-It’s nothing, I promise. I just-” I stuttered.

“Chels’, don’t you think I know you better than that?” He almost smirked. “You can't lie to me as easily as the others. Now, what’s going on? Why are you crying?”

Before I could even think about it, I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him as tightly as I possibly could, even after feeling so weak. At first, he was frozen in his place with his arms at his sides, but when he realized what I was doing he quickly hugged me back and patted my shoulder.

“I just miss him so much!” I cried into his shoulder. “I hate that I still think about him. Believe me, I wish I could just forget already! He’s done me wrong so many times and yet I would always fall right back into his arms.”

“Wait, what are you talking about?” He asked, pulling us an arm’s length apart to look at me but all I wanted to do was fall into his arms and cry even more.

I sniffled and wiped my eyes again. “Bert. I'm just so sick of thinking about him. I try to forget about him, erase him from my thoughts but…” I started to choke on my words from crying.

Brian’s eyes grew understanding as he nodded and pulled me back into the hug. “It’s okay Chels’. You don’t have to worry anymore.” He began to rub my back soothingly.

I quickly realized what I was doing and pulled away from the embrace. What was I think, crying in front of him like this? He must have thought I was an over-emotional idiot or something by now. “I'm sorry. I-I…” I exhaled slowly, trying to calm myself down and took deep breaths before I tried to speak again. “It’s just that, it’s been almost a year since I saw him last. I left because he was treating me horribly, always mocking me and just saying hateful things. Finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I remember the day you left. I was on the bus that day to confirm a few tour dates when you two started fighting again. I guess it was just one too many harsh words between you two, huh?” He laughed sheepishly and shrugged.

I tried to smile but all of the bad memories held it back. “Yeah, I guess so. And even after all of those fights, I still can't seem to let him go.”

“Well maybe that’s because you have known him for so long. Tell me again, how long has it been since you two met?” He asked, unsure.

I chuckled then. Every time I answered that question, I always got the same shocked look. “Since my childbirth, last I heard.”

He made the same face when I told him the first time. “Damn, well I guess that explains a lot.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

He gave me a look I couldn’t quite read. I looked up at him from watching myself twirl my fingers together, which was such a habit I always did when I got nervous.

“What?” I asked, afraid to hear whatever it was by his expression.

“Don’t…get upset if I ask you this, but…I just have to know.”

I shrugged, trying to hide my nerves. “Shoot,”

He looked straight into my eyes. “Do you still love him?”

My mouth dropped open as the question caught me by surprise. I truly didn’t know how to answer that. Did I or did I not still love Bert? It was a question I asked myself every day.

Notes

~ ♥ I just wanted to say I'm sorry that this chapter is kind of irrelevant to the story, but I just wanted to get my point across between Chelsea and Bert's relationship. I will definitely continue on with the actual story in the next chapter. Thanks for reading this far, it truly means a lot to me. ♥ ~