Chapter Sixty-One:

A week went by and things were slowly getting back to normal, well, relatively normal. We’ve been going to the shooting range every day. Doug was persistent that I become a damn good shot. I definitely wasn’t opposed to learning how to better defend myself. It’s helping me relax, a bit. Zacky’s been going with us, to brush up on his game. No one else really tags along – it’s our thing and they don’t seem to mind.

With my physical limitations in mind, Doug has also been working with me with basic self-defense maneuvers. To say that we take it easy would be an understatement. He holds back – a lot. I’m able to get the gist of it. If I start to get tired, or winded, we stop.

He’s doing all he can to make me feel safe and I love him for it.

---

He and Holland finally went on their first date. He wasn’t sure he wanted to flaunt things with my psycho mother out there, but we both told him that they both needed it. I don’t think I’ve seen either of them as excited as they were while they were getting ready for their night on the town.

Doug had a few of his men trail them, as a precaution. He left more men than normal at home with the rest of us. I doubt anyone will try anything, but then again, that’s normally when they strike. Expect the unexpected – it keeps you alive.

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Brian’s been great. I feel like the world’s shittiest excuse for a girlfriend. We were doing so well before Adam and Lynn showed up at the mall to spook me. It felt like we were finally in our normal and getting into the swing of things.

I mean, I’ll have a bunch of good days, and I’ll forget that I’m not like everyone else. Then, something will happen and I’m dragged five steps back and all of my hard-earned progress just flies out the fucking window. It’s not far. I try so hard and with what to show for it? Not a goddamn thing. It’s so hard. It’s like a kick in the teeth.

Now, with mood changing like crazy, my nightmares and paranoia, on top of feeling like I’m being watched… it’s made some things impossible. I keep having dreams – nightmares – that Derek somehow manages to get me along, and I can never get away. It’s like I’m a little girl again, and I’m powerless.

Every time someone touches me, I have to remind myself that it’s not Derek. I hate that he took that from me.

I thought that I was finally over everything. I guess I was sorely mistaken. He always seems to worm his way back into my already fragile life. It’s like every time he shows up to shatter everything, I have to glue my life back together. There are only so many times you can put something back together, before it’s distorted beyond repair.

It’s feels like mine is passed the point of repair. I have no idea how to fix it.

I don’t even know how long it’ll be until I’m comfortable enough in my own skin to be intimate with Brian again. And, it’s not fair to him. I can’t give him a lot of things that other people would.
I don’t feel like I deserve him or his patience. I know that he must get frustrated with everything. To his credit, he scarcely shows it. He’s so patient and gentle that it’s almost frightening. I feel like I’m waiting for the ball to drop, but it never does.

I know that I’m psyching myself out, but I can’t help it.

I try to make sure that I take my meds every day. It’s hard when it feels like they don’t help. In my mind, I know that they do help, even if I can’t feel their results. After past experiences, I know that I’ll be much worse off if I don’t keep taking them. But, what’s the point?

I go through the motions and do what I’m supposed to do. I do what I need to do to keep everyone else happy. I’m scared and if I dwell on the problem for too long, I’ll lose my mind. I can’t afford to do that right now.

I can’t have what I need in order to be okay. I need my tormenters to disappear – forever. I know that’s not going to happen anytime soon, so I have to settle for them keeping their distance. It’s not enough and I know that. I’m worrying myself sick. I can’t stop. It’s only a matter of time and I have to be strong, because when it comes down to the inevitable, it’s going to be me or them. I’m sure as hell not going to just let them take me. I choose me.

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“Ace, everyone’s downstairs, do you want to come down and have dinner with us?” Brian asked me. I looked up at him, from my spot on my bedroom floor. I nodded, slowly. He walked over to me and helped me up. I didn’t realize that I was shaking until he took my hand. “Everything is going to work out.” He promised me.

“I’m trying to believe it.”

Notes

A necessary filler, but don't worry! Things will start picking up again next chapter!

Comments? Yodels? (Yeah, I have no idea where that came from.)

<3
Katie