Shhh, quiet, you might piss somebody off!

It has been 4 years ago since my brother died, I haven't really talked to the guys much after his death. Brian says I look to much like Jimmy, which I guess is why Johnny cries every time he sees me...Matt seems to have made it his duty to become my protector for Jimmy, I know Jim would have have been happy if he knew that Matt's watching over me. Zacky has just disappeared... I don't know whats happened to him...none of us do.
I live with Matt, he took me in. He didn't want me to be alone after Jimmy's death and I guess I never felt the need to leave his house. Truth is I'm scared to be alone. I only have Matt. Syn comes over once in a while but not to see me, to see Matt. I avoid Johnny, I don't want to make him cry, I know it hurts him that he cant look at me without seeing Jimmy, he's apologized many times to me which only makes me feel bad. And Zacky, just disapeared after the funeral. He left me his guitar and I strung the pick that was tucked between the strings (his favorite pick) on a necklace and wear it every day. It hurts me more that he left willingly than Jimmy leaving unwillingly.
It's the anivercery of Jimmy's death today...its been 4 years and I can still hear his laughter, picture his smile, but I cant feel him anymore...I cant feel much of anything these days. Which is why I'm sitting here numb, with a bottle of Jack keeping me company, to bad its empty.
In a few hours Syn and Johnny will be here, were going to visit my brother. I cant believe its been 4 years. 4 years today I found my brother dead. I thought he was faking and kicked him, then yelled at him about how it wasn't funny. I kicked him again and his head lolled unnaturally and that's when I knew my brother wasn't faking it. He was dead. Just like mother. Just like father. Just like me? I lifted the gun to my head, it was Matt's gun, a nice shinny gun that's been pointed at myself more than the targets Matt practices on every Friday. The doorbell rang and I set the gun in Matt's desk drawer. I was sitting in his 'office' looking in disgust at facebook and all the 'RIP REV' 's these people didn't know him like I did. They never were 7 years old not wanting to take medicine, having Jimmy sing, "A spoon full of Jimmy helps the whole world go down."
I heard the door open and Matt walked in. "Hey Harley, the guys are here." I nodded and got up, following him out. I walked into the kitchen finding Johnny trying to reach the shelf with the booze on it and Brian grabbing the booze for him. It almost made me smile. They looked over at me and smiled. Syn handed the bottle to Johnny and walked over to hug me, Johnny soon after.
"Hey Harley, long time no see." Johnny said with a sad smile. "Yeah." I replied not knowing what else to say.
"You look nice, real nice, wow." Brian said looking me over. I frowned, he was already drunk? "Fuck off Hanner." I was not in the mood for his shit.
"Well...shall we go?" Matt asked trying to break the tension. We all shuffled out of the house and piled into Matt's SUV, Brian riding shotgun. It was a quiet ride to the cemetery, I was fidgeting with my leather wristband, I hated coming here, it made me feel even more alone.
We parked the vehicle and got out. When we got closer to the grave we saw there was already a person there. The man's back was to us and I could tell he was crying by his shoulders shaking. Matt took my hand and I looked up at him but he was staring at the man at Jimmy's grave.
"Who the fuck is that?" Brian said sounding annoyed. Johnny elbowed him making Brian oomph.
The guy turned around and I gasped. It was Zacky. His piercings were out, his hair was one color and he wore no make up, I could barely recognize him.
"Zack?" I asked, my eyes starting to tear up. Zacky stood up. "Hey guys, its been a while." He said sheepishly, his eyes locked onto Matt and my hands and he frowned. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Brian lunge.
"A WHILE?!" Brian yelled as he punched him in the face. "ITS BEEN FOUR FUCKING YEARS ZACKARY, FOUR!" Zacky held his nose and flinched at his words.
"I know..." Zacky said looking down. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I left."
"Sorry doesn't cut it Zack." Matt said, "You left your girlfriend to deal with the loss of her brother by herself."
"Well obviously she's not by herself now is she?" Zack spat, "She's got you huh Matty?"
"Yeah Zack she has me, I'm the only one who was around for her, did you expect Syn to stay? Johnny fucking cries every time he sees her!" Matt yelled, "And no, I'm not dating Harley, I'm her friend."
Zacky looked down ashamed then looked at me.
"Harley..." He looked so different, except for his eyes they were the same green as the day I met him. He took a step towards me and that was when I felt the first emotion I've felt in years. Anger. So I kicked him square in the balls.

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