No Pulse Inside of Me
Chapter 14
Brian’s POV:
Tammy’s been talking to Jim all week. She even invited him to the show opening night. Can’t say I like the idea, but can’t really tell her why. More than likely he will bring some of them, they never go out alone. I don’t want her to become friends with them. I don’t know what kind of crap Corey is trying to pull, but I don’t fucking like it.
We open in an hour. There’s already a line around the corner waiting to get in. Of course Tammy had me put Jim on the permanent reserve list so he could skip the line. Another idea I didn’t like, but I just can’t tell her no then she would wanna know why. The band is already here along with the guys. Shadz made sure we could all be here opening night. We won’t always be able to be here hentz why we don’t play.
The band was back in the dressing rooms getting ready. Tammy has her own cause well you know she’s a girl. They wouldn’t be going on for at least a half hour after we open. After that “fake” kiss I stole from her that day we were hustling, I’ve been struggling to hide what I’m feeling for her. It wasn’t just that first stop, we went to 3 more pool halls that day. I got to kiss her 3 more times. Each time feeling more natural, more right. A week later and I can still feel her lips on mine.
We’ve been skipping starting the night out sleeping in our own beds. After I came home that night, and she was in my bed I suggested it the next morning. She was hesitant at first. She knew I could help her go back to sleep, maybe we could skip the nightmares altogether. Sure enough she’s been nightmare free for almost 2 weeks. Johnny says it’s probably the security she feels with me. Her mind is able to go to rest calm, and comforted. That made me feel good. I wanted her to feel safe with me, to trust me, and if there’s the feeling of safety then there is at least a little trust. To be honest I’ve been finding it hard to even fall asleep when she’s not next to me.
The doors are opening. Time to get the party started. I don’t have any doubts the place will be successful. I wanted it to have a rock’n’roll feel to it. Most of the places around here are either dive bars or dance clubs. I wanted something different. People could mosh if they wanted, dance if they wanted. A place where people can let loose and enjoy good music.
I decided to tell Tammy about my developing feelings. I know it’s still going to take some time, but she needs to know how I feel. I know after she ran into Jim she has been hopeful to run into Jacoby. I need her to see me before that happens. I know he won’t show up here this weekend. He’s out of town on business, but he knows I am opening a club, and will eventually come check it out. Not to mention them being one of our allies they come to the house from time to time. Three Days Grace will be here. They are our other ally, as well as allies with Papa Roach.
I was making my way back to the dressing rooms. I was going to tell her tonight before the show. I seen Jim walk in. Great he brought the whole fucking gang. They better not cause any fucking problems. I made eye contact with Corey as I reached the hall leading to the dressing rooms. Tipping his hat, he smirked at me. I rolled my eyes and made my way down the hall. I have a feeling he’s up to something, and I’m pretty sure I have a good idea what.
I knocked on Tammy’s dressing room door, and heard her tell me to come in. I opened the door to find her sitting at the vanity putting on the last bit of makeup she needed. Not that she needed any, but god does she look hot when she does wear it.
She smiled at me through the mirror, a smile I’ve grown very much to enjoy. “What’s up?” she asked as she screwed the cap back on her mascara. “Just came to see if you were about ready. You’re on in 20.” I said. She stood and walked to me. Fuck she looked amazing. Hair down and teased. Makeup dark and smokey. Knee high boots over her jeans that had rips in the thighs. The jeans hugging every curve oh so nicely. Not to mention the black leather corset top that clasped up the front showing a classy amount of cleavage, that also hugged nicely. She could definitely pull off rock star.
“Yea I’m ready.” she said bringing me out of my daze. I smirked. “I like seeing you like this.” I said motioning up and down her body. She blushed a little. “Like what?” she asked not breaking my gaze. “All rocked out like this.” I said closing our distance. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” I asked running a finger down the clasps on her shirt. Her breath hitched, and I smirked. I ran my finger across the slightly exposed skin on her stomach as her breathing got slightly heavier. “I know how beautiful you are.” I whispered against her lips before capturing them in a kiss.
I was expecting her to push me away, but much to my surprise she started to kiss me back. She wrapped her arms around my neck, as I rested a hand on her hip my other on the small of her back pulling her closer to me. I ran my tongue across her bottom lip hoping she would let me deepen the kiss, and she did. I backed her up to the wall putting all my feelings into the kiss as we fought for dominance. Of course I won, and I savored in the taste of her.
All to soon she pulled away, and looked down. Something was bothering her. I could tell she tensed before she pulled away, like she was coming to her senses. “What’s wrong.” I asked placing a finger under her chin so she would look at me. There was a little bit of fear in her eyes. “I can’t. I’m sorry.” “Why?” I asked. She looked down again, and I lifted her chin to make her look at me once more. “Why?” I asked again. “I don’t want to be another notch in your bed post.” she confessed. “I don’t want that either.” I told her. It was true, but you could tell she didn’t believe me. She dropped her arms to her sides, and I cupped her face so she couldn’t look away from me. “I’m not trying to get you into my bed. I want something real with you,” I told her, “the more I’m around you the more I think about you. I enjoy falling asleep with you next to me, and waking up with you in my arms,” I continued as I started to lean in more, “I could love you.” I whispered just before kissing her again.
I could tell she was having a hard time fighting with herself. She started kissing me back again for a few moments before pushing me away again. “I’m not ready for that. I don‘t trust you.” she said rejecting me. It hurt a little, but I understood. It’s hard for her to trust people. “How can you not trust me?” I asked showing some of my hurt. “I trust you some Brian. I just don’t trust you with my heart.” she said as she started to fight back some tears. I nodded and backed away making my way for the door. I paused with my hand on the knob. “I’ve never considered devoting myself to anyone until I met you,” I started telling her not looking behind me at her, “ I broke all my personal rules for you, and yes I have been know to sleep around a lot it keeps me from getting attached, but it also comes with a lonely life. I haven‘t even had you, and I‘m already getting attached, and for some reason I can‘t stop it,” I paused and looked at her, “even I’m capable of love.“ and with that I walked out leaving her with just my words.
I walked out into main area. The place was packed already. Slipknot made themselves comfortable in a round corner booth that could fit 10 people. I made my way to where the guy were stopping to get a beer first. I sat next to Shadz, and scanned the crowd. “Place is packed already.” I said. “Yea it didn’t take long. Adam and the guys said they would be here soon.” Shadz said showing me the text. I nodded, and she caught my eye. Leaning on the hall door frame she was looking out at the crowd. I seen her smile when she spotted Jim and started to walk over to their table.
Yea I wanted to stop her, but I just can’t. I really hope I planted a seed in her mind and she’ll consider me. I’m going to have to be patient, and let her come around on her own. I might try and influence the decision a little, but I won’t push her into doing something she’s not ready for. I haven’t had to chase a woman in awhile. It was kind of nice. It gets old when they just fall at your feet. “Nice place Gates.” I hear Adam Gontier leader of Three Days Grace bringing me out of thought. “Thanks man glad you guys could make it.” I said greeting them all. They sat with us and ordered drinks. “Papa Roach going to be here?” Neil asked. “No. Jacoby said they had business out of town.” Shadz explained. They nodded.
The lights dimmed almost into darkness. The once noisy club was now very quite. Only a few whispers could be heard. I was too busy watching the stage to even notice that Jimmy had slipped away. They were about to come on. I seen a figure in the dim light run up on stage. “Ahhahaha! Lets rock’n’roll MotherFuckers!” it was Jimmy, and just as quick as he ran on stage he was gone. The place fell into complete darkness for a few seconds before the stage lit up, and they were there. Opening with a song Tammy wrote in rehab. I like the metaphor she used. Meeting so many people with different addictions, puppets to the substance that controls their lives.
The crowd instantly reacted with screams, and applause. They were loving it. “Where the hell did you find these guys?” Adam asked over the music. “I held auditions,” I started to explain, “Ian the guy singing and Jason the drummer are friends, and Justin the bassist and Tammy the lead guitarist are friends. They meshed pretty well together.” I said. “Their fucking amazing.” Neil said. They were, like I said they meshed pretty well together, and they brought out talent in each other that we didn’t know they had. “What’s Slipknot doing here?” Brad asked when he noticed them. “Jim knows Tammy.” I simply said. There was no need to go into detail. “Tammy, that’s the chick up there right?” Neil asked looking at the stage. We nodded. “You know I had some tweeker show up at my door a couple months ago. Saying something about Slipknot taking his daughter cause he owed them money,” Adam started to ramble, “don’t know what he was thinking coming to us. You guys can do business with them, but fuck, no thank you.” he finished. “If you don’t fuck them, they won’t fuck you.” Shadz said. Even Slipknot followed the code of the gangs. Laws laid out by Metallica to maintain order amongst us.
I was really hoping no one would mention that, that same guy came to our place, and his daughter was on stage. “I was talkin to Jacoby a few weeks ago, he had the same guy show up at his place too couple of hours before he came to mine. He shut the door in his face.” Adam said with a chuckle. I couldn’t fucking believe it. If she meant so much to him why would he shut the door in his face. I noticed some of the guys had looks of surprise and wonder on their faces. Apparently TDG noticed too. “Why you guys look so shocked?” Brad asked confused. We hesitated. “He come to you too?” Adam asked. “Uh, yea,” I started, “his daughter is on stage right now.” I said seeing the shock come across their faces as they focused their attention back to the stage.
They were on their fourth song, and Tammy was setting up with her cello. Two of the cellist from the side orchestra sitting on either side of her. I glanced at Jim. He seemed slightly surprised. She has only been playing the cello for about 4 years, so he didn’t even know she could play it. She’s only been harmonizing and backing the last couple of songs, but this one she was going to sing.
Dirty little secret
Dirty little lies
Say your prayers and comb your hair
Save your soul tonight
Drift among the faithful
Bury your desires
Aberrations fill your head
You need a place to hide
And I am
Do you remember me?
The kid I used to be?
Do you remember me?
[Chorus:]
When your world comes crashing down
I want to be there.
(If God is looking down on me!)
I'm not Jesus,
Jesus wasn't there!
You confess it all away,
But it's only shit to me
(If God is looking down on me!)
I'm not Jesus,
I will not forgive!
No I won't! [x2]
I've thought you were a good man,
I've thought you talked to God.
You Hippocratic, Messianic, child abusing, turned satanic.
Do you remember me?
Do you remember me?
The kid I used to be?
Do you remember?
Do you remember?
[Chorus:]
When your own world comes undone,
Let me be the one to say:
(If God is looking down on me)
I'm not Jesus,
You can't run away!
And the innocence you spoil
Found a way to live
(If God is looking down on me!)
I'm not Jesus
I will not forgive!
[x2:]
I will not forgive.
I won't be whatever you want to.
Do you remember me?
The kid I used to be?
Not the same as I used to be!
Oh, do you remember me?
No!
[Chorus:]
When your world comes crashing down,
I want to be there
(If God is looking down on me)
I'm not Jesus
Jesus wasn't there!
You confess it all away,
But it only shit to me!
(If God is looking down on me!)
I'm not Jesus,
I will not,
I'm not Jesus,
I will not forgive!
Oh, I will not forgive, yeah yeah!
No, I will not forgive!
“Wait. I’m a little confused. If Slipknot kidnapped her, then why are they here now?” Barry asked. “She kind of doesn’t know they are Slipknot.” I said. “It’s a long story, but we need to keep it that way.” Shadz said. “Why?” Adam asked. “Jim and Tammy have a history, and she doesn’t know he’s part of Slipknot. She’s had a rough past, and he’s one of the few good memories she has.” I said kind of irritated at all the questions. “Then why would he-,” Adam started, but I cut him off “I don’t fucking know why. I don’t fucking like it, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Now can we just drop it?” I snapped. They nodded and focused their attention back to the show.
I didn’t want them to know that much. They are allies with Papa Roach too, and the last thing I wanted was all of this getting back to Jacoby. I was still a little shocked that he shut the door in her dad’s face. She definitely won’t be happy about that. A smile crept on my face. Maybe that will work in my favor. He had the chance to save her, to be reunited, and he fucked that up.
Tammy’s been talking to Jim all week. She even invited him to the show opening night. Can’t say I like the idea, but can’t really tell her why. More than likely he will bring some of them, they never go out alone. I don’t want her to become friends with them. I don’t know what kind of crap Corey is trying to pull, but I don’t fucking like it.
We open in an hour. There’s already a line around the corner waiting to get in. Of course Tammy had me put Jim on the permanent reserve list so he could skip the line. Another idea I didn’t like, but I just can’t tell her no then she would wanna know why. The band is already here along with the guys. Shadz made sure we could all be here opening night. We won’t always be able to be here hentz why we don’t play.
The band was back in the dressing rooms getting ready. Tammy has her own cause well you know she’s a girl. They wouldn’t be going on for at least a half hour after we open. After that “fake” kiss I stole from her that day we were hustling, I’ve been struggling to hide what I’m feeling for her. It wasn’t just that first stop, we went to 3 more pool halls that day. I got to kiss her 3 more times. Each time feeling more natural, more right. A week later and I can still feel her lips on mine.
We’ve been skipping starting the night out sleeping in our own beds. After I came home that night, and she was in my bed I suggested it the next morning. She was hesitant at first. She knew I could help her go back to sleep, maybe we could skip the nightmares altogether. Sure enough she’s been nightmare free for almost 2 weeks. Johnny says it’s probably the security she feels with me. Her mind is able to go to rest calm, and comforted. That made me feel good. I wanted her to feel safe with me, to trust me, and if there’s the feeling of safety then there is at least a little trust. To be honest I’ve been finding it hard to even fall asleep when she’s not next to me.
The doors are opening. Time to get the party started. I don’t have any doubts the place will be successful. I wanted it to have a rock’n’roll feel to it. Most of the places around here are either dive bars or dance clubs. I wanted something different. People could mosh if they wanted, dance if they wanted. A place where people can let loose and enjoy good music.
I decided to tell Tammy about my developing feelings. I know it’s still going to take some time, but she needs to know how I feel. I know after she ran into Jim she has been hopeful to run into Jacoby. I need her to see me before that happens. I know he won’t show up here this weekend. He’s out of town on business, but he knows I am opening a club, and will eventually come check it out. Not to mention them being one of our allies they come to the house from time to time. Three Days Grace will be here. They are our other ally, as well as allies with Papa Roach.
I was making my way back to the dressing rooms. I was going to tell her tonight before the show. I seen Jim walk in. Great he brought the whole fucking gang. They better not cause any fucking problems. I made eye contact with Corey as I reached the hall leading to the dressing rooms. Tipping his hat, he smirked at me. I rolled my eyes and made my way down the hall. I have a feeling he’s up to something, and I’m pretty sure I have a good idea what.
I knocked on Tammy’s dressing room door, and heard her tell me to come in. I opened the door to find her sitting at the vanity putting on the last bit of makeup she needed. Not that she needed any, but god does she look hot when she does wear it.
She smiled at me through the mirror, a smile I’ve grown very much to enjoy. “What’s up?” she asked as she screwed the cap back on her mascara. “Just came to see if you were about ready. You’re on in 20.” I said. She stood and walked to me. Fuck she looked amazing. Hair down and teased. Makeup dark and smokey. Knee high boots over her jeans that had rips in the thighs. The jeans hugging every curve oh so nicely. Not to mention the black leather corset top that clasped up the front showing a classy amount of cleavage, that also hugged nicely. She could definitely pull off rock star.
“Yea I’m ready.” she said bringing me out of my daze. I smirked. “I like seeing you like this.” I said motioning up and down her body. She blushed a little. “Like what?” she asked not breaking my gaze. “All rocked out like this.” I said closing our distance. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” I asked running a finger down the clasps on her shirt. Her breath hitched, and I smirked. I ran my finger across the slightly exposed skin on her stomach as her breathing got slightly heavier. “I know how beautiful you are.” I whispered against her lips before capturing them in a kiss.
I was expecting her to push me away, but much to my surprise she started to kiss me back. She wrapped her arms around my neck, as I rested a hand on her hip my other on the small of her back pulling her closer to me. I ran my tongue across her bottom lip hoping she would let me deepen the kiss, and she did. I backed her up to the wall putting all my feelings into the kiss as we fought for dominance. Of course I won, and I savored in the taste of her.
All to soon she pulled away, and looked down. Something was bothering her. I could tell she tensed before she pulled away, like she was coming to her senses. “What’s wrong.” I asked placing a finger under her chin so she would look at me. There was a little bit of fear in her eyes. “I can’t. I’m sorry.” “Why?” I asked. She looked down again, and I lifted her chin to make her look at me once more. “Why?” I asked again. “I don’t want to be another notch in your bed post.” she confessed. “I don’t want that either.” I told her. It was true, but you could tell she didn’t believe me. She dropped her arms to her sides, and I cupped her face so she couldn’t look away from me. “I’m not trying to get you into my bed. I want something real with you,” I told her, “the more I’m around you the more I think about you. I enjoy falling asleep with you next to me, and waking up with you in my arms,” I continued as I started to lean in more, “I could love you.” I whispered just before kissing her again.
I could tell she was having a hard time fighting with herself. She started kissing me back again for a few moments before pushing me away again. “I’m not ready for that. I don‘t trust you.” she said rejecting me. It hurt a little, but I understood. It’s hard for her to trust people. “How can you not trust me?” I asked showing some of my hurt. “I trust you some Brian. I just don’t trust you with my heart.” she said as she started to fight back some tears. I nodded and backed away making my way for the door. I paused with my hand on the knob. “I’ve never considered devoting myself to anyone until I met you,” I started telling her not looking behind me at her, “ I broke all my personal rules for you, and yes I have been know to sleep around a lot it keeps me from getting attached, but it also comes with a lonely life. I haven‘t even had you, and I‘m already getting attached, and for some reason I can‘t stop it,” I paused and looked at her, “even I’m capable of love.“ and with that I walked out leaving her with just my words.
I walked out into main area. The place was packed already. Slipknot made themselves comfortable in a round corner booth that could fit 10 people. I made my way to where the guy were stopping to get a beer first. I sat next to Shadz, and scanned the crowd. “Place is packed already.” I said. “Yea it didn’t take long. Adam and the guys said they would be here soon.” Shadz said showing me the text. I nodded, and she caught my eye. Leaning on the hall door frame she was looking out at the crowd. I seen her smile when she spotted Jim and started to walk over to their table.
Yea I wanted to stop her, but I just can’t. I really hope I planted a seed in her mind and she’ll consider me. I’m going to have to be patient, and let her come around on her own. I might try and influence the decision a little, but I won’t push her into doing something she’s not ready for. I haven’t had to chase a woman in awhile. It was kind of nice. It gets old when they just fall at your feet. “Nice place Gates.” I hear Adam Gontier leader of Three Days Grace bringing me out of thought. “Thanks man glad you guys could make it.” I said greeting them all. They sat with us and ordered drinks. “Papa Roach going to be here?” Neil asked. “No. Jacoby said they had business out of town.” Shadz explained. They nodded.
The lights dimmed almost into darkness. The once noisy club was now very quite. Only a few whispers could be heard. I was too busy watching the stage to even notice that Jimmy had slipped away. They were about to come on. I seen a figure in the dim light run up on stage. “Ahhahaha! Lets rock’n’roll MotherFuckers!” it was Jimmy, and just as quick as he ran on stage he was gone. The place fell into complete darkness for a few seconds before the stage lit up, and they were there. Opening with a song Tammy wrote in rehab. I like the metaphor she used. Meeting so many people with different addictions, puppets to the substance that controls their lives.
The crowd instantly reacted with screams, and applause. They were loving it. “Where the hell did you find these guys?” Adam asked over the music. “I held auditions,” I started to explain, “Ian the guy singing and Jason the drummer are friends, and Justin the bassist and Tammy the lead guitarist are friends. They meshed pretty well together.” I said. “Their fucking amazing.” Neil said. They were, like I said they meshed pretty well together, and they brought out talent in each other that we didn’t know they had. “What’s Slipknot doing here?” Brad asked when he noticed them. “Jim knows Tammy.” I simply said. There was no need to go into detail. “Tammy, that’s the chick up there right?” Neil asked looking at the stage. We nodded. “You know I had some tweeker show up at my door a couple months ago. Saying something about Slipknot taking his daughter cause he owed them money,” Adam started to ramble, “don’t know what he was thinking coming to us. You guys can do business with them, but fuck, no thank you.” he finished. “If you don’t fuck them, they won’t fuck you.” Shadz said. Even Slipknot followed the code of the gangs. Laws laid out by Metallica to maintain order amongst us.
I was really hoping no one would mention that, that same guy came to our place, and his daughter was on stage. “I was talkin to Jacoby a few weeks ago, he had the same guy show up at his place too couple of hours before he came to mine. He shut the door in his face.” Adam said with a chuckle. I couldn’t fucking believe it. If she meant so much to him why would he shut the door in his face. I noticed some of the guys had looks of surprise and wonder on their faces. Apparently TDG noticed too. “Why you guys look so shocked?” Brad asked confused. We hesitated. “He come to you too?” Adam asked. “Uh, yea,” I started, “his daughter is on stage right now.” I said seeing the shock come across their faces as they focused their attention back to the stage.
They were on their fourth song, and Tammy was setting up with her cello. Two of the cellist from the side orchestra sitting on either side of her. I glanced at Jim. He seemed slightly surprised. She has only been playing the cello for about 4 years, so he didn’t even know she could play it. She’s only been harmonizing and backing the last couple of songs, but this one she was going to sing.
Dirty little secret
Dirty little lies
Say your prayers and comb your hair
Save your soul tonight
Drift among the faithful
Bury your desires
Aberrations fill your head
You need a place to hide
And I am
Do you remember me?
The kid I used to be?
Do you remember me?
[Chorus:]
When your world comes crashing down
I want to be there.
(If God is looking down on me!)
I'm not Jesus,
Jesus wasn't there!
You confess it all away,
But it's only shit to me
(If God is looking down on me!)
I'm not Jesus,
I will not forgive!
No I won't! [x2]
I've thought you were a good man,
I've thought you talked to God.
You Hippocratic, Messianic, child abusing, turned satanic.
Do you remember me?
Do you remember me?
The kid I used to be?
Do you remember?
Do you remember?
[Chorus:]
When your own world comes undone,
Let me be the one to say:
(If God is looking down on me)
I'm not Jesus,
You can't run away!
And the innocence you spoil
Found a way to live
(If God is looking down on me!)
I'm not Jesus
I will not forgive!
[x2:]
I will not forgive.
I won't be whatever you want to.
Do you remember me?
The kid I used to be?
Not the same as I used to be!
Oh, do you remember me?
No!
[Chorus:]
When your world comes crashing down,
I want to be there
(If God is looking down on me)
I'm not Jesus
Jesus wasn't there!
You confess it all away,
But it only shit to me!
(If God is looking down on me!)
I'm not Jesus,
I will not,
I'm not Jesus,
I will not forgive!
Oh, I will not forgive, yeah yeah!
No, I will not forgive!
“Wait. I’m a little confused. If Slipknot kidnapped her, then why are they here now?” Barry asked. “She kind of doesn’t know they are Slipknot.” I said. “It’s a long story, but we need to keep it that way.” Shadz said. “Why?” Adam asked. “Jim and Tammy have a history, and she doesn’t know he’s part of Slipknot. She’s had a rough past, and he’s one of the few good memories she has.” I said kind of irritated at all the questions. “Then why would he-,” Adam started, but I cut him off “I don’t fucking know why. I don’t fucking like it, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Now can we just drop it?” I snapped. They nodded and focused their attention back to the show.
I didn’t want them to know that much. They are allies with Papa Roach too, and the last thing I wanted was all of this getting back to Jacoby. I was still a little shocked that he shut the door in her dad’s face. She definitely won’t be happy about that. A smile crept on my face. Maybe that will work in my favor. He had the chance to save her, to be reunited, and he fucked that up.
Notes
Two Updates for you today! Somebody's nosy. Lets play guess that song again, 10 points if you can guess the opening song :)
I was picturing her voice with the tone of Amy Lee, the grittiness of Janice Joplin, and the range of Christina Aguilera. No I am not a fan of Christina, but that woman has got a hell of a voice. Second Song Credit: I'm Not Jesus/Apocalyptica feat. Corey Taylor
I know Adam is no longer with Three Days Grace, but he will be in this story.
No more updates till after Christmas Sorry guys :(
Sorry if they're not the best. They will get better.
I would be interested in a rewrite if that’s what you feel like you wanna do. I would read the new version too, even though I don’t find anything wrong with the original.
9/27/19