No one has to know.
Eighteen: Now there's so much of me, tells me I shouldn't leave, every time I see your face.
I knew that Zacky was awake when I woke up, I felt him stiffen when I moved a little bit. I had my face buried in his shoulder, his arms were wrapped around me tightly, our bodies pressed together, and our legs were so tangled together we were gonna have to spend a while getting them back from each other.
“Riley I’m sorry” He whispered
“Don’t say anything Zack” I wasn’t pissed like I should have been, I mean I was pissed off at myself, not at him. We’d ruined our friendship for good and there was nothing we could do to go back and change that, because even if we went back to being friends, which I doubt we would anyway, it would always be there in the back of my mind that we’d had sex, we’d slept together and there was no way to change that. I vaguely remember that we didn’t even use a condom, but I was on birth control anyway, and right then I wasn’t bothered because there were bigger problems to deal with right then. “Zacky we ruined everything”
“What?”
“We ruined everything, we can never go back to being just friends now” I looked up at him, he was looking at me, his green eyes piercing. He opened his mouth as if he was going to yell at me, but instead all he said was:
“I know”
“I’m sorry you were just so upset and then things went too far and i—“
“Should have stopped me”
“No that’s not it, evidently I wanted it to happen, because I never told you to stop once, don’t
you get it Zacky, you’re the first person that I’ve slept with since I was with Craig, they told me that it would probably take years for me to be able to trust anyone that much again, but then we just did it, Zacky I think that tells you that there was always something more here than us just being friends, and I was just too busy crushing on your band mate to ever look at you in that way “Zacky I think that I fell in love with you years ago, and I just never realised it”
“I know”
“What?”
“I always knew you loved me, maybe not in the way that I wanted you to at first, but I never wanted to say anything because I knew that this would happen, Riley I’m not asking anything of you because I know you’re with Mason and i—“
“You don’t want an angry ex-boyfriend on your case”
“Kind of, and I know that you like him”
“But don’t you get it Zacky, I don’t know what to do now, I’m so confused” I bit my lip and pressed my face against his shoulder “I… I can’t break up with him, I have to make it work, Zacky you and I can’t be together, I don’t want to lose your friendship, and I know that sounds so horrible, but please I just have to make it work with him”
“Riley can you just—“
“No Zacky I love you, but I want it to work with Mason, this is too much to cope with at one point”
“Okay babe” He said, he kissed top of my head “I’m always here though… just in case you… change your mind” He sounded sad yet hopeful
“That’s the thing Zacky, I can’t change my mind, not ever”
“Why not?”
“Because it will hurt even more when we realise that it just won’t work”
“Fucking hell Riley why can’t you just give us a chance?”
“Because I have a boyfriend, and for so many other reasons”
“You’re making it so hard” He said
“I know”
“I love you”
“I know”
“Just tell me that you love me too”
“I can’t”
“Why not?”
“Because then it means that all of this is real”
“But it is real”
“But it can’t be”
“Riley stop doing this”
“Zacky we can’t work, this was a mi—“
“Don’t say it”
“—a mistake”
“You’re the only woman who’s ever made me feel like bursting into tears”
“I’m sorry”
“I’d say it’s okay, but I’d be lying”
“Zacky you need to go, Mason’s coming over in a while”
“Okay… Riley I love you”
“Zacky…” I shook my head and kissed his shoulder gently “Zacky you need to go”
“I don’t want to”
“Please? I’m asking you to leave”
“Okay” He kissed my forehead and then my lips before getting out of bed and pulling his boxers on. He picked up his clothes and left, shutting the door behind him. I sighed and stared at the ceiling. I fucking hated myself so much right now. Not only had I cheated on my boyfriend, but I’d slept with my best friend and probably just broken his heart. I’d led him on and let him fuck me, and now he was probably crying in his room, it wouldn’t surprise me because he’d just told me that I was the only girl who had ever made him feel like crying.
“Riley I’m sorry” He whispered
“Don’t say anything Zack” I wasn’t pissed like I should have been, I mean I was pissed off at myself, not at him. We’d ruined our friendship for good and there was nothing we could do to go back and change that, because even if we went back to being friends, which I doubt we would anyway, it would always be there in the back of my mind that we’d had sex, we’d slept together and there was no way to change that. I vaguely remember that we didn’t even use a condom, but I was on birth control anyway, and right then I wasn’t bothered because there were bigger problems to deal with right then. “Zacky we ruined everything”
“What?”
“We ruined everything, we can never go back to being just friends now” I looked up at him, he was looking at me, his green eyes piercing. He opened his mouth as if he was going to yell at me, but instead all he said was:
“I know”
“I’m sorry you were just so upset and then things went too far and i—“
“Should have stopped me”
“No that’s not it, evidently I wanted it to happen, because I never told you to stop once, don’t
you get it Zacky, you’re the first person that I’ve slept with since I was with Craig, they told me that it would probably take years for me to be able to trust anyone that much again, but then we just did it, Zacky I think that tells you that there was always something more here than us just being friends, and I was just too busy crushing on your band mate to ever look at you in that way “Zacky I think that I fell in love with you years ago, and I just never realised it”
“I know”
“What?”
“I always knew you loved me, maybe not in the way that I wanted you to at first, but I never wanted to say anything because I knew that this would happen, Riley I’m not asking anything of you because I know you’re with Mason and i—“
“You don’t want an angry ex-boyfriend on your case”
“Kind of, and I know that you like him”
“But don’t you get it Zacky, I don’t know what to do now, I’m so confused” I bit my lip and pressed my face against his shoulder “I… I can’t break up with him, I have to make it work, Zacky you and I can’t be together, I don’t want to lose your friendship, and I know that sounds so horrible, but please I just have to make it work with him”
“Riley can you just—“
“No Zacky I love you, but I want it to work with Mason, this is too much to cope with at one point”
“Okay babe” He said, he kissed top of my head “I’m always here though… just in case you… change your mind” He sounded sad yet hopeful
“That’s the thing Zacky, I can’t change my mind, not ever”
“Why not?”
“Because it will hurt even more when we realise that it just won’t work”
“Fucking hell Riley why can’t you just give us a chance?”
“Because I have a boyfriend, and for so many other reasons”
“You’re making it so hard” He said
“I know”
“I love you”
“I know”
“Just tell me that you love me too”
“I can’t”
“Why not?”
“Because then it means that all of this is real”
“But it is real”
“But it can’t be”
“Riley stop doing this”
“Zacky we can’t work, this was a mi—“
“Don’t say it”
“—a mistake”
“You’re the only woman who’s ever made me feel like bursting into tears”
“I’m sorry”
“I’d say it’s okay, but I’d be lying”
“Zacky you need to go, Mason’s coming over in a while”
“Okay… Riley I love you”
“Zacky…” I shook my head and kissed his shoulder gently “Zacky you need to go”
“I don’t want to”
“Please? I’m asking you to leave”
“Okay” He kissed my forehead and then my lips before getting out of bed and pulling his boxers on. He picked up his clothes and left, shutting the door behind him. I sighed and stared at the ceiling. I fucking hated myself so much right now. Not only had I cheated on my boyfriend, but I’d slept with my best friend and probably just broken his heart. I’d led him on and let him fuck me, and now he was probably crying in his room, it wouldn’t surprise me because he’d just told me that I was the only girl who had ever made him feel like crying.
@Tones27tga
Life in technicolour :)
5/27/14