The God That Never Came
I Hate Just Sitting Here
I was released from the hospital 10 days ago and in those days, a physical therapist has been helping me get mobile enough where I don't have to use a wheelchair but crutches to walk. Luckily for me the 10 days I've been at home Spring Break has school out but I plan on going back on Monday morning. I hate just sitting around the house having Sabrina cater to me. Sabrina told me she took off work for a few days so I wouldn't be so alone in the house but I like being alone. It helps me think. I got up out of bed, grabbing my crutches, and hobbled out of my room and down the hall to the kitchen. Sabrina was busy cooking dinner as I carefully sat down at the bar. She turned around and looked at me.
"What are you doing out of bed?"
"I was tired of just laying there doing nothing" I said sighing and propping my crutches against my leg.
"You need your rest."
"I know but I need to move or I'll get stiff." I said getting comfortable in the chair.
"Well yeah. Do you want something to drink?"
"I'll get it." I said grabbing the crutches.
"No. You just sat down. I'll get it. Now what would you like?"
"Water is fine." I said and Sabrina filled a glass with water and sat it down in front of me. I brung the glass up to my mouth and drank a little. It was so refreshing.
"Matt will be joining us for dinner tonight."
"Cool. What about the others?" I asked/said as I drank some more.
"They're all out with their girlfriends."
"Awesome! So how long has Jimmy known this girl?" I asked curiously.
"They're high school sweethearts."
"Awe! So does Matt have a girlfriend? When I first met him he wasn't wearing a ring." I said drinking the rest.
"He used too."
"What happened?" I asked.
"Matt and Val were together since high school, just like Jimmy and his girl, but from what I could see everything seemed fine until she left him in the middle of the night. She left her phone and the key Matt gave her to his house. The fucked up thing about this whole situation is she never left a note."
"If you don't mind me saying, I think she never really cared for him at all." I said honestly.
"I wouldn't doubt that for a second. I never liked her and none of the others did either but they wouldn't say anything about it. What makes me really mad about the whole thing is she left when everyone was gone on tour. When Matt came home, he seen that a large amount of money was taken from his bank account."
"Pardon my French but stupid gold-digging bitch." I said shaking my head.
"Funny...that's exactly what Matt called her. His love for Val faded drastically after all that and he got rid of everything that remind him of her."
"I would've done that too if I was in his situation." I said shaking my head once again. Who could do that to such a nice guy? Sabrina and I kept on talking as I somewhat helped her set the table and she finished the food. A knock came to the door as Sabrina put the last of the food on the table.
"I'll get it." I said and she nodded I hobbled over to the door and opened it. Matt stood there in a Jack Daniels t-shirt, aviators, and black jeans.
"Hey Matt. Come on in." I said smiling and I side stepped away from the door and he came in and smiled at me. He went into the kitchen and I could hear Sabrina welcoming him. I leaned my back against the closed door and my mind couldn't stop thinking about how good he looked.
Goddamnit stop thinking about him like that Butayne! Not only is he your teacher, he's older than you! He's probably not interested in you anyways.
I shook my head and hobbled back into the kitchen and sat down. I propped my crutches against my leg.
"How are you feeling Octayne?"
"I'm alright. These crutches help me be mobile more. What about you?" I said smiling.
"I'm good. Sabrina told me that you've been have a physical therapist over."
"Yeah and he's helped a whole lot. I'm planning on returning to school Monday." I said as I filled my plate.
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
"What do you mean?" I asked looking at Sabrina.
"You still can't move as fast and you're pain level is still much too high."
"Sabrina, my only class is Matt's." I said eating some of my food.
"Yeah and I can pick her up on the way to school and bring her home."
"Matt you don't have to do that. I don't want to be a burden." I said shaking my head.
"It's not going to be a problem."
"Are you sure?" I asked looking into his eyes.
"I'm positive. What kind of person would I be to let you walk on crutches to and from the school?"
"Good point." I said laughing. We sat and ate and talked some more having the best conversation I've ever had with anyone. Matt complimented Sabrina's cooking with words while I kept scarfing down her delicious cooking. I filled up my plate time after time until I was completely full. I got up and started to help Sabrina but she stopped me.
"Octayne go rest. I can do this."
"I can help." I said as she took the plates from me.
"I know but go and relax. Watch some TV with Matt."
"Alright." I said laughing as she gently nudge me out of the kitchen. I went into the living room and sat down beside Matt on the couch.
"She kick you out of the kitchen too?"
"Of course. She wants me to relax." I said getting comfortable. Matt turned and faced me.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure what's on your mind?" I asked.
"Why exactly did you move here to California?"
"I wanted a better life." I said looking down.
"Is that the only reason?"
"A few years before I came here...my parents died in a horrific car accident. I was then sent to a foster home...and to be honest I didn't like it so I left." I explained.
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"Thank you." I said smiling.
"Octayne...please be completely honest with me."
"About what?" I asked acting confused.
"Octayne...when you were in the hospital, and the nurse had to change your bandages, I seen several burn marks and old cuts. How did that happen and please don't lie."
"I don't know what you're talking about." I said lying through my teeth and turning my head.
"Those burns weren't there by accident. Please tell me the truth."
"I said I don't know what you're talking about." I said closing my eyes. To tell Matt about my true self would not be in my best interests.
"What about the old injuries? The broken ribs, wrists, jaw?" He kept pushing my buttons and I just wanted him to shut the hell up.
"I can't tell you who did it!" I yelled turning my head to him. I realized what I said and I lowered my head.
"Why? Are you covering for someone?"
"I just can't. If I say something I'll be sent right back to them! I can't go back there!" I said and I let the tears spill from my eyes as I looked back at him. Matt scooted closer to me and placed his hand on my shoulder.
"Who did this to you?"
"My foster family....the same ones who ran me off the road." I said and the tears flowed down my face like a waterfall. Matt pulled me over to him and held me as I cried. He pushed my face up and wiped away the tears that lingered on my cheeks. He leaned in close to me and did the unthinkable. He kissed me.
I placed one of my hands on his cheek as his tongue begged for entrance and I granted it. His tongue danced on mine in glorious motion and I bit down lightly on his botton lip. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead on mine as we caught our breath. I knew kissing him back was so wrong but it felt so right. Matt looked at me before pecking m lips once more.
"Octayne...I haven't felt this way about anyone in years. You've taught me that love has found me again."
"You've taught me that I don't have to be afraid anymore." I said smiling.
"I'll always protect you Octayne." laid my head on his chest and the guilt started eating me inside. I needed to tell him. I leaned back up and stared into his eyes.
"Matt...there's something you need to know."
"Let me say this...I know I'm your teacher but from the first day I walked into that classroom and saw you, I fell head over heels for you." I smiled but looked away. He gently turned my face back.
"What did you want to tell me?"
"Matt...I'm not who you think I am." I said looking down and shaking my head slightly.
"What do you mean?"
"My name isn't Octayne....it's Butayne. I'm not 18...I'm only 16. The foster home abuse and my parents dying was the truth. The real reason I came here was because I wanted away from the monsters. I couldn't take one more beating. I thought for 2 years that I was safe from them...but when I seen that monster's face and the wicked smile he...he gave me...I knew I was dead." I said keeping my head lowered and wiping away the stray tears that fell from my eyes. I felt his fingers go under my chin and gently push my face back to his.
"I'm glad you were honest with me but it doesn't change how I feel about you." he kissed me again and held my fragile body close to him. I looked over his shoulder at Sabrina who smiled in happiness. I smiled back before closing my eyes and pushing myself closer into Matt's tattooed arms. It felt so good to tell Matt the truth about who I am. I know we haven't known each other that long but I'm drawn to him in such a weird fashion and I like it.
"What are you doing out of bed?"
"I was tired of just laying there doing nothing" I said sighing and propping my crutches against my leg.
"You need your rest."
"I know but I need to move or I'll get stiff." I said getting comfortable in the chair.
"Well yeah. Do you want something to drink?"
"I'll get it." I said grabbing the crutches.
"No. You just sat down. I'll get it. Now what would you like?"
"Water is fine." I said and Sabrina filled a glass with water and sat it down in front of me. I brung the glass up to my mouth and drank a little. It was so refreshing.
"Matt will be joining us for dinner tonight."
"Cool. What about the others?" I asked/said as I drank some more.
"They're all out with their girlfriends."
"Awesome! So how long has Jimmy known this girl?" I asked curiously.
"They're high school sweethearts."
"Awe! So does Matt have a girlfriend? When I first met him he wasn't wearing a ring." I said drinking the rest.
"He used too."
"What happened?" I asked.
"Matt and Val were together since high school, just like Jimmy and his girl, but from what I could see everything seemed fine until she left him in the middle of the night. She left her phone and the key Matt gave her to his house. The fucked up thing about this whole situation is she never left a note."
"If you don't mind me saying, I think she never really cared for him at all." I said honestly.
"I wouldn't doubt that for a second. I never liked her and none of the others did either but they wouldn't say anything about it. What makes me really mad about the whole thing is she left when everyone was gone on tour. When Matt came home, he seen that a large amount of money was taken from his bank account."
"Pardon my French but stupid gold-digging bitch." I said shaking my head.
"Funny...that's exactly what Matt called her. His love for Val faded drastically after all that and he got rid of everything that remind him of her."
"I would've done that too if I was in his situation." I said shaking my head once again. Who could do that to such a nice guy? Sabrina and I kept on talking as I somewhat helped her set the table and she finished the food. A knock came to the door as Sabrina put the last of the food on the table.
"I'll get it." I said and she nodded I hobbled over to the door and opened it. Matt stood there in a Jack Daniels t-shirt, aviators, and black jeans.
"Hey Matt. Come on in." I said smiling and I side stepped away from the door and he came in and smiled at me. He went into the kitchen and I could hear Sabrina welcoming him. I leaned my back against the closed door and my mind couldn't stop thinking about how good he looked.
Goddamnit stop thinking about him like that Butayne! Not only is he your teacher, he's older than you! He's probably not interested in you anyways.
I shook my head and hobbled back into the kitchen and sat down. I propped my crutches against my leg.
"How are you feeling Octayne?"
"I'm alright. These crutches help me be mobile more. What about you?" I said smiling.
"I'm good. Sabrina told me that you've been have a physical therapist over."
"Yeah and he's helped a whole lot. I'm planning on returning to school Monday." I said as I filled my plate.
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
"What do you mean?" I asked looking at Sabrina.
"You still can't move as fast and you're pain level is still much too high."
"Sabrina, my only class is Matt's." I said eating some of my food.
"Yeah and I can pick her up on the way to school and bring her home."
"Matt you don't have to do that. I don't want to be a burden." I said shaking my head.
"It's not going to be a problem."
"Are you sure?" I asked looking into his eyes.
"I'm positive. What kind of person would I be to let you walk on crutches to and from the school?"
"Good point." I said laughing. We sat and ate and talked some more having the best conversation I've ever had with anyone. Matt complimented Sabrina's cooking with words while I kept scarfing down her delicious cooking. I filled up my plate time after time until I was completely full. I got up and started to help Sabrina but she stopped me.
"Octayne go rest. I can do this."
"I can help." I said as she took the plates from me.
"I know but go and relax. Watch some TV with Matt."
"Alright." I said laughing as she gently nudge me out of the kitchen. I went into the living room and sat down beside Matt on the couch.
"She kick you out of the kitchen too?"
"Of course. She wants me to relax." I said getting comfortable. Matt turned and faced me.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure what's on your mind?" I asked.
"Why exactly did you move here to California?"
"I wanted a better life." I said looking down.
"Is that the only reason?"
"A few years before I came here...my parents died in a horrific car accident. I was then sent to a foster home...and to be honest I didn't like it so I left." I explained.
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"Thank you." I said smiling.
"Octayne...please be completely honest with me."
"About what?" I asked acting confused.
"Octayne...when you were in the hospital, and the nurse had to change your bandages, I seen several burn marks and old cuts. How did that happen and please don't lie."
"I don't know what you're talking about." I said lying through my teeth and turning my head.
"Those burns weren't there by accident. Please tell me the truth."
"I said I don't know what you're talking about." I said closing my eyes. To tell Matt about my true self would not be in my best interests.
"What about the old injuries? The broken ribs, wrists, jaw?" He kept pushing my buttons and I just wanted him to shut the hell up.
"I can't tell you who did it!" I yelled turning my head to him. I realized what I said and I lowered my head.
"Why? Are you covering for someone?"
"I just can't. If I say something I'll be sent right back to them! I can't go back there!" I said and I let the tears spill from my eyes as I looked back at him. Matt scooted closer to me and placed his hand on my shoulder.
"Who did this to you?"
"My foster family....the same ones who ran me off the road." I said and the tears flowed down my face like a waterfall. Matt pulled me over to him and held me as I cried. He pushed my face up and wiped away the tears that lingered on my cheeks. He leaned in close to me and did the unthinkable. He kissed me.
I placed one of my hands on his cheek as his tongue begged for entrance and I granted it. His tongue danced on mine in glorious motion and I bit down lightly on his botton lip. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead on mine as we caught our breath. I knew kissing him back was so wrong but it felt so right. Matt looked at me before pecking m lips once more.
"Octayne...I haven't felt this way about anyone in years. You've taught me that love has found me again."
"You've taught me that I don't have to be afraid anymore." I said smiling.
"I'll always protect you Octayne." laid my head on his chest and the guilt started eating me inside. I needed to tell him. I leaned back up and stared into his eyes.
"Matt...there's something you need to know."
"Let me say this...I know I'm your teacher but from the first day I walked into that classroom and saw you, I fell head over heels for you." I smiled but looked away. He gently turned my face back.
"What did you want to tell me?"
"Matt...I'm not who you think I am." I said looking down and shaking my head slightly.
"What do you mean?"
"My name isn't Octayne....it's Butayne. I'm not 18...I'm only 16. The foster home abuse and my parents dying was the truth. The real reason I came here was because I wanted away from the monsters. I couldn't take one more beating. I thought for 2 years that I was safe from them...but when I seen that monster's face and the wicked smile he...he gave me...I knew I was dead." I said keeping my head lowered and wiping away the stray tears that fell from my eyes. I felt his fingers go under my chin and gently push my face back to his.
"I'm glad you were honest with me but it doesn't change how I feel about you." he kissed me again and held my fragile body close to him. I looked over his shoulder at Sabrina who smiled in happiness. I smiled back before closing my eyes and pushing myself closer into Matt's tattooed arms. It felt so good to tell Matt the truth about who I am. I know we haven't known each other that long but I'm drawn to him in such a weird fashion and I like it.
3/18/13