Matt had never been a violent man. He would never hit his girlfriend, not even after all the shit she’d put him through, and he wouldn’t dare lay a finger on Kennedy. He loved her too much to hurt her, but he’d hurt anyone who tried to make her feel used.

He was stood in the corner of the courtyard where the warden had told them to get some fresh air. Rain was predicted, and soon they’d have to be cooped up in the prison again, where all Matt would do was use the weights until he felt like his arms were going to fall off.

He’d spotted the prison snitch getting beaten up again, and he’d ignored it. Instead, he’d pulled a book out of his pocket and crossed his legs as he sat down, leaning against the wall as he read his law book. They were the only books this prison allowed, ones where criminals could learn about the law they’d defied and why they were in prison in the first place. Some people used it to find loopholes- others just to pass the time.

Matt read the books so he could become a lawyer when he got out of here.

He’d made a promise to himself, that when he finally got released on probation, that he’d go back to school and get a law degree, that he’d help out all of the people like him who had been wrongly accused of crimes they did not commit, and convince an entire jury of people that the person was innocent. He wanted to become everything his lawyer hadn’t been. Talking to one of the wardens, he had expressed an interest in getting lessons within the prison.

It wasn’t out of the question for people to come in and teach- and he’d already seen a law sign up sheet in the courtyard. His name had been the only one on the list when he checked a few days ago.

He knew things now- things that would help him make money. He knew now, that in Los Angeles County, you had to have permission from the life guard to throw a Frisbee. That a minor can accept drugs or treatment for the prevention of a child being born. That his crime had been a fake- yet every law he knew had come down on him like a tonne of bricks.

“Are you reading Sanders? What sort of pussy are you?”

Above him stood a gang of men, the same group of men that harassed him every day for just sitting in his cell and reading about the law. Matt rolled his eyes, but didn’t lift them away from the page of the book.
“I’m talking to you motherfucker!” the leader roared and snatched the thick book out of Matt’s hands, hurling it across the courtyard and laughing when half the pages fell out and started to float along in the wind. He felt like his head had been torn off- it hurt. That book was his only solace, the only thing other than his friends and daughter that were keeping him sane. He stood up then, and the two of them stared each other down.

They were around the same height, but Matt had more muscle. But the other man didn’t back down.
“You’re a fuckin’ kiss ass Sanders. Which cop did you blow to get a meeting with your kid, huh? We all saw ya, and we all knew faggot Sanders had got down on his knees and begged the cop the only way he knew how. By sucking his dick” the man laughed, the others around him laughing too. Matt had to stop himself from throwing the first punch, because he’d dealt with these kinds of things before. No one knew two of his best friends were gay- and he intended to keep it that way.

“You shut up about my kid!”

“Or what? That bitch that dumped her on you is gonna come knock my front teeth out? Oh I’m real scared. Or is your little mistake of a kid gonna bite my kneecaps?” the man laughed, and that was all it took for Matt to roar like a wild animal and lunge at the man, smashing his fists into the man’s face. He didn’t care that he was getting hit back; he just cared about making the man below him feel pain- pain that made him forget.

Because no one, not even the fucking queen of England, called his daughter a mistake and got to live to tell the tale.

He slammed his fist into the man’s nose just as he collided his knee with the other guys crotch, and the scream that came out of his mouth just was not natural for a man. But Matt didn’t stop- he didn’t even care that he was crying, or that everyone else in the courtyard was watching them, half of them yelling ‘FIGHT! FIGHT!’ like they didn’t care what anyone else thought. Nobody had guessed that Matt would’ve had the balls to stand up for himself, and yet here he was beating the shit out of some random prisoner.

Suddenly, he was grabbed by four police officers and pushed onto the ground, the concrete scraping a long graze over his cheek that made him yell out in pain as they clasped handcuffs around his fists.
“Sanders! Tuck! What the fuck do you two think you’re playing at huh? This is a prison, not a fucking bar scene. You- take Sanders back into his cell. Tuck, go see a nurse- you look like the walking dead. Neither of you are getting out of here anytime soon!” the chief yelled, and as Tuck was led away, hiding the blood on his face, Matt felt his heart sink.

No one saw to his wounds, or picked up his books. He was just thrown back in his cell, the horrible clashing of the doors and the lock that meant he wasn’t going to be getting out soon making him feel even worse than he already did.

He’d promised Kennedy he’d be out in a month- and then he could go home with her and they’d be a proper family. He’d promised Jimmy that he’d be out in time for Zacky and Brian’s wedding, so that he could be a best man. He’d promised his parents that he would take his child off of their hands and find a mother for his daughter.

He’d made hundreds of promises that he could not keep- and now, he wasn’t going to be going anywhere for a long time.

And doing what he’d always done, he slipped down onto his knees, facing the window, pressed his bloodied and bruised hands together and bent his head down. Praying.
“Forgive me Father…” he whispered as hot tears began to spill out of his eyes and he clenched them shut, pretending like he couldn’t hear the rest of the prison working behind him. It was just and him and God now.

He hated himself. Not even God could change that.

Tell my babygirl that it’s alright…her daddy’s coming home real soon