“You’re going to hate me aren’t you?”

It wasn’t every day you saw a six foot three man sat cross legged in front of a grave stone, letting his fingers run over the engraved letters and not even bothering if the wet grass was soaking through his pants. Jimmy hated himself for what he’d done, but he hated what Gabby must have thought even more. She didn’t reply- she was dead, she never did- but it almost felt like she was giving him the silent treatment, a cold shoulder that told him his loved one didn’t like what he’d done to her sister.

He hadn’t meant to kiss Ellen- when do you ever plan things like this? It was just the moment, the way her reflection looked in the lake next to his. It was almost like he had Gabby right back beside him again, and she was the one telling him he wasn’t losing his mind and that the way he felt was perfectly normal for a grieving widower. That’s why he’d let himself go in reckless abandon and kissed her. Because he saw so much of Gabby in Ellen’s eyes- and that’s why he hated himself now.

“I…I didn’t want to, Gabby. I swear to God, if I’d been in the right mind, I never would have even gone near her but…I see so much of you. In her, that is” Jimmy said silently, staring up at the gravestone like she was stood in front of him.

He had never told anyone about his visits to the graveyard, and he always seemed to pick the times where no one else wanted to visit the fallen. He looked down at the marble stone he was sat on, running his hand over the engraved words again and whispering under his breath.
“I did it because I miss you. Because…it’s not easy falling out of love. Especially with someone like you” he whispered.

Miserable, he looked around him, at how the grass underneath his fingertips was turning brown as the months got hotter, preparing for summer, and how blossom had started to bloom on the trees; bright pink bursts of colour that floated down and painted the ground. Gabby’s grave was just below the cherry blossom tree, and soon, it would be coated in speckles of pink. He had fond memories of that particular tree, especially the moments he’d spent with Gabby under this certain tree.

Jimmy had brought her to the spot in the graveyard after her first round of Chemo. It was the last time he was able to run his hands through her long hair and know it would still be there when she woke up the next morning.

“What happens to the blossom after they fall off the tree?” she’d asked, pointing up at the segments on the ground.
“I don’t know, baby. Maybe it disintegrates when the rain comes- or maybe it gets blown away”
“So that must be what happens when you die then”
“What?”

“You disintegrate when the rain comes. Or you float away- blown by the wind. I want to take the wind option- I don’t think I want to disintegrate when I die”
“Don’t think of that now. If I had my way, you’d never leave my arms- not even when we’ve both stopped breathing”

In his pocket, his phone began to buzz and pulling it out without taking his eyes off of the gravestone he saw Zacky’s name flash up on the screen.
“What’s up Zack?”
“Matt’s dad got taken into hospital, his mom’s with him and they can’t watch Kennedy tonight. Can you take her?”
“What about you and Brian? Surely you can?”

“I'm trying to keep him happy after what happened at school, dumbass, and unless you want her to be scarred for life by what I’m planning on doing to him tonight, I suggest you keep her with you tonight”
“Alright, alright. Will you drop her by my apartment or am I going to have to pick her up?”
“Brian’s on his way to yours with her now. Where are you anyway?”

Jimmy looked around at his surroundings, at the gravestone he was sat beside, and the person he was trying to strike a deal with. He had never told his friends where he disappeared to.

“Nowhere special. Give me a few minutes- I’ll be there soon” he said, ending the call. Sighing, he looked back up at the sky and got up, brushing the grass from his jeans.

“Maybe you’ll forgive me one day. And maybe one day I’ll see you again”

***

It had taken a promise of getting to watch a movie with him and giving her a spoon so she could share his ice cream to get Kennedy to go to bed, even though she’d almost fallen asleep halfway through. Jimmy carried her into the spare bedroom he always kept for Kennedy in his apartment- with the purple bedspread with the stars and moons on it and her teddy bear for when she forgot her other ones at her grandparents’ house. Kennedy had crawled onto his lap and from the bed; the two of them were counting the stars in the sky.

“Why are there so many stars in the sky, Uncle Jimmy?” she asked, pointing up at a collection that seemed to be residing right over his building.
“I like to think that all the people who have gone to heaven. Or maybe it’s the prayers people say to ask for help” Jimmy replied, pointing up to one of the shiniest stars in the sky.

“Uncle Jimmy? Will you teach me how to pray? Daddy said I have to learn because he wants to pray with me” Kennedy asked, swivelling around in Jimmy’s lap to ask him sweetly- complete with a face that was impossible to say no to. He knew that Matt prayed a lot more now that he was in prison. He prayed for Kennedy’s safety, and for his friends and family. He’d even prayed for Gabby a few times.
“Of course baby. But you have to sit opposite me, and press your hands together like this” he said as she crawled off of his lap, mimicking his praying position.

“Now what?”

“Close your eyes and just say Dear God- and whoever you want to pray for, OK?”
Kennedy nodded and closed her eyes, furrowing her eyebrows together for a moment in thought before she opened her mouth, unaware that Jimmy was watching her intently.

“Dear God, please look after Daddy in the big building and please get rid of all his cuts. Please kiss them all better for me because that’s what Uncle Jimmy does for me when I get hurt. Tell him that I love him and miss him, and send him a kiss goodnight for me. Also, can you tell Uncle Jimmy to let me have Oreo pancakes for breakfast- and tell Uncle Brian and Zacky that I want to have a blue dress not a pink one, because pink ones are horrible” Kennedy recited, and Jimmy had to stifle a laugh- because he didn’t want to think he didn’t like her prayers.

“Your turn Uncle Jimmy!”

“OK. Dear God…please look after Kenney’s daddy and all my friends, and my favourite little girl too. Look after all the kids in my kindergarten class and…watch over Gabby for me. Kiss her for me. Kenney, you’ve got to say Amen with me OK?”

She nodded and together they said their final amen, Kennedy opening her eyes as Jimmy picked her up, tucking her under the covers. As she stifled a yawn and he turned out the main light, she glanced up at him and asked,
“Who’s Gabby?”

Jimmy froze for a moment, unsure of how to tell this innocent little girl that Gabby was his high school sweetheart, the wife he’d had at eighteen, the girl that had leukemia and the same woman he’d kissed the sister of. His only love.
“She’s the woman I love, baby. But she’s with God now” he sighed, looking up at the ceiling like he could see her through the brick.

“No matter what I believe. She’s not coming back to me”