Scream

"You do?" I asked, setting the bottle down. This changed everything, we both knew that.

"I mean..." He walked over to stand in front of me. "I remembered the whole time, but I couldn't believe it actually happened. And it was hazy, so I thought it was a dream, but you said it happened but I still believe you. Until..."

He looked away, but I leaned into his line of sight. "Until what?"

"Until I saw how you looked at me during the song. You felt like it was real, and so did I. To me, it was real. I was really asking for a chance."

"Matt..." I looked down and swallowed what I was going to say.

He deserves better.

"Did you tell him?"

"You know I did," I murmured.

He laughed. "And I'm not dead yet?"

The bus door opened and I froze.

"Count your blessings," Brian said lowly. Both Matt and I looked at him and then back to each other.

"I'll talk to you later," Matt said before walking past Brian without a word. Brian shut the door behind him.

"Doubt it," Brian muttered. He walked into the bathroom and I followed him.

"Brian, I have to talk to him about this," I said, sitting on the toilet as he started getting undressed.

"I heard what he said, there's nothing to talk about. Unless you really wanna tell him the real reason you did it."

I didn't say anything as he turned the shower on and stood naked in front of me. He caught me looking at him and he wiggled his eyebrows.

"Stop," I said laughing.

He chuckled, stepping in under the water and leaving the curtain open a little so he could see me. "Why don't you get in here, too?"

"Because then there wouldn't be much showering going on."

"That never stopped you before."

"I know," I murmured, looking down at my hands. I felt his eyes on me.

"What's wrong?"

I shrugged. "Just everything. I feel... gross."

"Court," he sighed, washing his hair. "It happens. People screw multiple people throughout their life. You know I have."

"It's different."

"No, it's not. I mean... yeah, your reasoning is different. But you need to let it go. I don't want this affecting our relationship."

"Aren't you mad?" I asked. He rinsed his hair, thinking.

"I'm upset, but it's done. There's nothing I can do, and neither can you. Now we just have to focus on what we're gonna do about it."

"Which is?"

He started rinsing the soap off of his body as he said, "What do you want to do?"

I thought while he turned the water off and I handed him a towel. He wrapped it around himself and leaned against the counter, facing me.

"What would you do if you were me?" I asked.

"I would be honest, or at least as honest as I could be. You can easily say you were drinking."

"That's not being honest-"

"We can't be honest with him, Courtney," he said. "That's the thing. You can tell him you don't have feelings for him, but he's going to ask why you did it and saying you were jealous of me with someone else isn't an option."

"Why isn't it?" I asked, thinking. "It doesn't mean anything is going on necessarily, it just means old habits came about."

"Then he'd watch us like a hawk. He'd probably want you to stay in his bus, and that's definitely not happening."

I groaned and ran my hands through my hair as Brian walked into our room. I went in and sat on the bed.

"Can we just forget about it?" I asked.

His jaw tensed slightly before he said, "I don't really know how well that'll work, Court." He pulled boxers on as the bus started moving.

"I don't know what else to do," I whispered as he sat next to me.

"Let's just sleep on it, all right? Go wash all that shit off your face and we'll go to bed. Clear your head a bit."

I nodded and went back into the bathroom with makeup wipes and managed to get most of it off. Brian had turned on one of the Fast & Furious movies as I changed into a T-shirt and laid next to him. He moved his arm so I could rest my head on his chest and he kissed my hair.

"I love you, Princess," he murmured.

I tightened my arms around him. "I love you, too."

***

"Brian," I whined, pushing his sleeping body.

His response was a groan.

"I've been up for an hour, I'm bored," I said.

He turned his head to look at me with half lidded eyes. "Aren't you old enough to get up on your own?"

"What would make you think that?" I asked innocently.

He grinned and sat up, rubbing his eyes. "What time is it?"

"11:40."

"Jesus christ," he said, getting up and throwing on sweatpants and a T-shirt. "I'm gonna go have a smoke, do you wanna come with?"

"I guess." I pulled on a pair of yoga pants and we went outside to see Matt, Johnny, and Zack all hanging around, talking about tour stuff.

"Look who finally showed up," Zack said sarcastically, grinning.

"If you needed me, you would've woken me up," Brian said, lighting his cigarette.

I looked to the side and noticed Matt looking at me. I looked away and stood a step closer to Brian.

"Don't you start school tomorrow?" Johnny asked, lighting his own cigarette.

"Stop," I muttered, "we aren't talking about it."

The guys all chuckled but Matt's eyes stayed on me as intense as ever. He looked away every so often to participate in whatever conversation the guys were having, but they always came back to me.

"Dude, can you stop?" Brian said, throwing his cigarette down and stepping on it but glared at Matt.

"What?" he asked, confused.

"Don't look at her like that." I felt my breath catch in my throat. Zack and Johnny looked between the two of them.

"What are you talking about?" Matt asked with a hint of urgency in his voice. He didn't want the others to find out, and Brian picked up on it.

"You know fucking exactly what I'm talking about. Should we inform them so they can be in on it, too?"

"No," I said quickly. "Brian, stop."

"Why should I?" He looked at me and I realized just how angry he actually was about everything. He hid it so well.

"You know why," I whispered.

"Brian, can we talk about this later?" Matt asked.

"Why? No, you know what, no. There will be no talking about this later. There's nothing to be said."

"There's plenty to be said-" Matt started.

"Like what?" Brian took a step toward him, and surprisingly Matt took one toward Brian to meet him halfway.

"Don't do this," Matt murmured.

"Why not?" Brian sneered. "You can't control yourself, neither can I."

"What the hell does that mean?" Zack interjected, getting our attention.

"Nothing," Matt said, keeping his eyes on Brian.

"It's everything, Matt," Brian growled.

"Courtney, go to my bus," Matt said.

"Are you fucking serious? Absolutely not!"

"I don't trust you with her like this, Brian-"

"And I'm supposed to trust you with her?!" Brian yelled. "You're my problem. It has nothing to do with her."

"It's her fault anyway-" Matt started.

Before I had the chance to say anything, Brian's fist swung into Matt's jaw and he stumbled backward as Brian turned and started walking away toward the gate. Johnny and Zack rushed to Matt to make sure he was okay, but he was watching me.

With hurt in his eyes that didn't come from the hit, he said, "Go."

I took off to catch Brian at the gate.

"Brian, stop!" I screamed, running. He stopped and turned to me, clearly still pissed.

"I can't handle this, Courtney," he said, defeated once I caught up to him. "I thought I'd be okay and I'd get over it, but I can't. This fucking hurts and I don't know if it'll ever stop. Any time you two are near each other I just keep imagining what happened and it's tearing me the fuck apart. And you two doing the song together, it took all I had to not walk off that stage. I tried staying calm for you and moving on but I can't. I just can't do it."

"What does that mean?" I asked quietly, tears stinging my eyes.

"I don't know," he said crossing his arms over his chest. "I need time to... figure stuff out, I guess."

"Are we breaking up?"

He cracked a small smile. "No, baby. But I just need space to... heal."

I nodded a little. "Okay."

He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. I hugged him back and realized how much I needed him. Of course it took almost losing him for me to figure it out.

***

We'd managed to keep Zack and Johnny in the dark until that night. After Lacey and Gena retired to their buses, it left the five of us sitting around.

"So can we please talk about earlier?" Johnny asked. "I think we deserve to know."

Brian looked at me and I looked at Matt, who was looking down.

"You're right," I said. "You do." I bit my lip, debating what to say.

"We slept together," Matt blurted out. Everyone looked at him, but he refused to look up. "I was drunk, and it just happened."

"I'm going to assume Valary doesn't know," Zack said slowly.

Matt shook his head. "And she isn't going to." He looked to me before saying, "It was a mistake."

I nodded. "And it's not going to happen again," I agreed.

"Why did you get so mad, Syn?" Johnny asked.

Brian took a swig of his beer. "He's my best friend and she's my sister, pretty obvious."

There was a moment of silence where Matt, Johnny, and Zack exchanged glances.

"What?" I asked, confused. Brian had the same expression on his face.

"Would you guys tell us if you two were... back to how things were?" Zack asked. I looked at Brian and he looked back at me. I could tell he wasn't sure what to say.

"Just tell us," Matt murmured.

I saw Brian's chest rise with the breath he took in before he said, "We are."

I looked down as I felt Matt's eyes on me.

"Since when?" Johnny asked.

"Before the tour," Brian said solemnly.

"Court," Matt said. I met his fear-stricken gaze.

"I initiated it," I said finally. "It was all me."

No one said anything for a while before Brian tossed his bottle into the trashcan.

"What happens now?" he asked. His voice told me he was prepared for another fight for me if it came down to it. Even if he said he needed space, he wasn't letting anyone take me from him again.

"I don't even know," Zack said. "I say let it ride out for the tour."

"Are you serious?" Matt asked.

"It's what was gonna happen anyway, Shads," he replied. "Keeping them apart and babysitting isn't gonna work. It's pretty clear no matter what happens, this is how it's gonna be." He looked at me. "As long as you're both happy."

I nodded with a small smile and Brian rested his hand on my knee.

Matt finished his beer and chuckled.

"What?" I asked.

"I was just thinking about the only bright side to this," he said.

"Which is?" Johnny asked.

"At least you guys aren't, like, fully blood related."

My head snapped around to look at Brian, who was staring wide eyed at Matt.

"What does he mean?" I asked, looking back at Matt. He looked to Brian with a sorrowful expression.

"She doesn't know?" he asked. Everyone looked at Brian, who then looked at me.

"She doesn't," he said. They three men instantly stood up and dispersed to their own buses.

"Thanks guys," Brian yelled as the sound of shutting doors filled the air.

"Brian," I said. He got up, taking my hand.

"Come on." He led me to our bus and into our room, sitting across from me on the bed.

I waited as he tried to decide what to say.

"We..." He cleared his throat and he met my stare. "We don't have the same mother."

"Why am I just now learning this?" I asked.

"Because I never thought it was important, and they had planned on telling you."

"When?"

He looked away as he said, "The weekend they died."

My heart dropped into my stomach. That's why they were taking me to the vacation house.

He looked back at me and continued. "Brian Sr. is our father. Both of us. Suzy was my stepmother, but they got pregnant with you right after they started dating."

"Why did you wait to tell me?" I asked.

"It wouldn't have changed anything, we're still blood related."

I nodded, trying to process that. "All right. I think it's time for bed."

As we undressed on opposite sides of the room, I caught myself looking over my shoulder at Brian, feeling little pieces of my heart break off.

"Stop being a creep," he said, pulling me from my daze.

"Sorry," I said, unclasping my bra and looking through my stuff for one of my own shirts. Brian's arms snaked around my waist and he held the shirt he had been wearing today in his hand. I took it and held it to my chest.

"Thank you," I whispered. He turned me around and hugged me, rubbing my back.

"Today changes nothing between us, okay?" he said. "I promise."

Notes

Chapter title credit: Lady Gaga (this song is fucking amazing omg)
Shout out to @merero (on Mibba) for the suggestion of how Matt figured out Courtney was telling the truth :)
This chapter kinda sucks, I'm sorry. And I'm even sorrier for taking so long to update, but I was really stuck. But I think I have some idea of what direction to go.
Classes are getting harder and I have to write two papers, one of which I am dreading because it's Literary Theory and I'm just not feeling it.
Holy shit, 50 chapters! Thanks for sticking with me!
As always, thank you for reading and don't forget to comment!