Scream

Matt opened the door and smiled when he saw me.

"Hey, did you find Brian?" he asked.

I fought the urge to cringe. "No, I didn't. Can I come in?"

"Of course," he said, moving aside. I stepped in and saw his bus was shockingly messier than the one I shared with Brian.

"How much did you guys drink out there?" I asked, chuckling.

"Too much, but I needed to get my mind off Val," he said, collapsing onto the couch. I sat next to him. "So how are things with Bri?"

"Not good, I don't really wanna talk about him," I said quietly. I felt Matt's arm slide around my shoulder and pull me against him.

"That's fine, what do you wanna talk about?"

I didn't give myself a second to think before it came out, I knew I'd regret it. "Matt, there's something I've been meaning to tell you."

"What is it?"

I turned to him and took a deep breath. "I still have feelings for you."

He stared at me for a bit while he processed that. I could tell he didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything," I said, standing up. He grabbed my hand.

"No, don't," he said. I sat back down. He sighed. "I just don't know what to say. My head is kind of foggy and if Brian knew-"

"Who gives a fuck about him?" I snapped, then mentally kicked myself.

"Is he being annoying with your health and school?"

I nodded. That sounded good enough.

"He's being your brother," he said, still holding my hand.

"I know," I said, "and I love that, but at the same time it's getting hard because I'm... honestly, Matt, I'm lonely."

I got so good at lying, it was disgusting.

"So that's what this is about," Matt said, sitting back with a small smile. I could tell he was definitely drunk, which made this all the better for me.

"Kind of," I said, "but seeing you perform brought up how I felt about you before I went away."

He watched me as I saw in his eyes that he was debating. I had to sway him.

"You still love me, don't you?" I asked him softly.

"You know I do," Matt whispered.

"You're the only one that can make me happy right now, Matt." My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. What was I doing?

"Courtney, don't do this to me," he groaned, getting up and walking over to a cabinet. He pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels with a glass and poured himself some. He downed it and poured more. I walked over and took the glass from him as he raised it to his lips.

"What are you doing?" I asked, holding it away from him.

"Getting myself drunker," he said.

I narrowed my eyes and threw the alcohol back myself. I handed him the glass as he smirked at me. "Why are you doing that?"

"So," he said, pouring another, "my judgement will be flawed and therefore I won't feel guilty tomorrow." He drank it. He eyed me for a second.

"One more," I said, so he had one more. He put the bottle away and looked at me.

"What now?" he asked.

I glanced out his bus window and didn't see anyone in sight. I looked back up at him and said, "Kiss me."

In the quickest movement, he pulled me by the hips against him and his lips crashed into mine. It was so different from when Brian kissed me, but I loved it. Matt's kiss was hungry and longing. I wrapped my arms around his neck and we made out just like that. Abruptly he pulled back and let go, walking over to his bus door and locking it. He came back over to me, taking my hand and leading me back to where his bed was. It was the same kind of set up as my bus, the bed just wasn't as big.

Matt sat down on the edge and I stood in front of him. He cupped my face in his hands.

"Is this what you want?" he asked. I nodded and kissed him before I could change my mind. His hands drifted up under my shirt on my bare skin and I realized just how different Matt was from Brian. But every time I thought about Brian, I remembered why I was here in the first place.

I tore my shirt off over my head, breaking the kiss for a second and Matt took that same time to take his own off. I started at his jeans and he pulled them down with ease as I took mine off. He already had a full hard-on and I saw Matt looking me over with a smile.

"You are beautiful, you know that?" he said. I unclasped my bra and let it drop to the floor. He bit his lip and grabbed me again, pulling me to him and laying us both down on his bed. He turned us over so he was on top and he grabbed a condom off of his dresser. He leaned on his side to put that on as I slid my panties off. He pushed his boxers down to his knees and hovered over me again. He kissed me again as his hand made its way to my opening.

"Skip the foreplay, Matt," I said, chuckling.

"Fine by me," he said as he positioned his tip. He kissed me slowly as he entered, taking his time. My nails dug into his back as he pushed in. He wasn't as wide as Brian was, but it still filled me all the same.

"Holy shit, Matt," I breathed in between kisses, but he gained speed and bit my lip. One of his hands traveled my body as his other held him up, but he made sure he didn't miss a spot.

"I'm so fucking close," he growled.

I sank my teeth into his neck and licked his skin. Bringing my lips to his ear, I moaned, "Come on, babe." The roaming hand held onto my ass and squeezed as I felt him begin his climax. He slammed into me and I clenched my teeth to stay quiet. He slowed to a stop and looked at me while catching his breath. He moved the hair from my face and kissed my forehead.

"I'm gonna go back my bus," I whispered before he could say anything.

"Good idea," he said, pulling out and standing up next to the bed. I did the same and got dressed as quickly as I could without seeming obvious that I wanted to get the hell out of there. When I was done I turned to see him watching me.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I said with a smile. He smiled back.

"Yeah," he said. I left his bus and made it to my own before I collapsed to my knees in the bathroom, tears freely spilling.

You fucked everything up.

"God, I know," I cried, holding my shaking hands to my head. Not too long after I heard the door open.

"Courtney, what's wrong?!" Brian asked, sounding scared as he knelt down next to me. I jumped away and he held his hands up.

"Leave me alone," I begged. "Please go away, Brian."

His expression crumbled. "You saw me, didn't you?"

All I could do was nod. He reached out toward me and I kicked his hand.

"Get out!" I screamed. "Leave me alone!"

He stared at me in shock before finally getting up and going into our room, shutting the door quietly behind him. I curled into a ball and cried, hating myself and everything I'd done.

The door opened next to me and Brian was there, holding out two pills with a water bottle. I looked up at him through blurry eyes.

"Please take these," he whispered. I did as he said, knowing they would help. He left again in silence and I got up to turn the shower on. I stripped down and stepped in, knowing the water was way too hot. I lathered soap into a washcloth and scrubbed my body raw, still crying the entire time. My head just kept replaying what had happened with Matt and I couldn't handle it.

After my skin was beet red, I turned the water off and stepped out, wrapping the towel around myself and avoiding the mirror. I started going through the drawers and found what I was looking for.

I sat down on the ground with the razor in my hand and brought it down to my arm. The door opened right before I dragged it across my skin.

"Courtney!" Brian grabbed my hand, making my drop the razor. "Courtney, baby, talk to me!" He got on his knees in front of me and held me by my shoulders. I shook my head as more tears spilled over.

"Courtney, I am so sorry about earlier," he said, sounding desperate. "I am so, so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you or scare you, I'm so sorry. I was jealous of that kid and then I met..."

I started crying harder and he wrapped his arms around me, rubbing my back.

"I'm so sorry, baby girl," he murmured. "I will do anything to make it up to you-"

I shook my head furiously and pushed him.

"Please leave, I can't do this right now," I said. He glanced at the blade on the floor.

"I can't shut this door, Courtney," he said. I nodded and he got up, taking the razor with him. He went into the room and I stayed in that spot. I was exhausted. I trudged into our room and over to the dresser, feeling Brian's eyes on me. I pulled on a pair of underwear under the towel and dropped it to put on one of Brian's old shirts. I climbed into the bed and fell right to sleep.

***

I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and aching skin. I didn't feel anyone in the room with me, so I opened my eyes as much as I could and looked around. There was a note on the nightstand.

Good morning Princess, let me know when you wake up so I can make you something to eat. Take some Tylenol if you're in pain. See you soon, I love you. - B

The memory of last night rushed into my mind and I held my head, groaning. I heard the door creak open and then a hand on my back.

"Hey," Brian whispered. "Are you ready to eat?"

I shook my head, tapping the nightstand drawer. He opened it and I heard him rattle a bottle. I sat up as much as I had to, took the Tylenol from him and swallowed them with water.

"You need to eat with those. I know you're hurting but you have to come eat, okay?"

I stared at him and he sighed, standing to pull the comforter off of me. He handed me a pair of sweatpants so I pulled them on while still laying down.

He chuckled. "Determined to not get up, huh? Come on." He took my hand and gently pulled me up, taking me through the bathroom and into the living area. I laid down on one of the couches as Brian went through the fridge. I hadn't even realized the bus was moving.

"I can make you pancakes, do you want that?"

"Do I have any other choices?" I whispered.

"Not really. But we have orange marmalade, I know you love that stuff."

"Okay."

He didn't say anything as he started making the pancakes and I relaxed on the couch.

"Getting gas at the next exit," Chad called back to Brian.

"Sounds good," Brian yelled back. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I opened my eyes.

"All done," Brian said quietly, smiling. I got up and sat in one of the chairs at the table, seeing he already put the marmalade on the pancake for me and cut it up. He sat across from me as I ate a piece.

"Stop staring at me," I muttered.

"Are you gonna tell me what last night was about?"

"I saw you, that's it."

"There was more, Courtney. I know you."

"Nope." I continued eating, ignoring him, until my plate was clean. He took it from me and set it in the sink. I felt the bus slow to a stop and I saw Brian reach into his pocket.

"I'm gonna go out and smoke, okay?" he asked, holding his pack. I nodded and he went outside along with Chad. I snuck over to the door and tried to listen to Brian. I heard Matt's voice, too.

"How are things on your end?" Matt asked.

"Bad," Brian replied. "Shit with Courtney, things are getting really... hard."

"What happened?" His voice didn't seem bothered at all.

"I caught her with some guy she met at the hospital, which freaked me out because she could have gotten fucking abducted or something." He paused, probably taking a drag. "And then she saw me with that fan, I guess. She got really upset about that. I couldn't find her for a good half hour, so I thought something with that kid really did happen until I found her in the bus having a breakdown."

I had no idea he was looking for me while I was with Matt.

"Jesus," Matt said. "What was wrong?"

Was he playing stupid or did he really not remember?

"She hasn't told me."

"I'm sure she will. But do you think I could hang on your bus till we get to the venue? It's boring as fuck on mine."

"Hell yeah, dude." I scrambled to the couch as the door opened and the two men walked on. I avoided Matt's gaze.

"Hey, Court," he said nonchalantly.

"You feeling okay?" Brian asked, kneeling in front of me. I nodded. "Good. We're gonna play Call of Duty until we get there."

They started setting it up and I just sat there, not sure what to do. A couple times I caught Matt giving me a weird look. I finally stood up and walked through the bathroom to our room without a word. I laid in bed and got comfortable before the door opened again. My heart dropped at who it was.

"Hey," Matt said. "Are you okay?"

I stared straight ahead at the wall. "Yep."

"Courtney, don't lie to me." He shut the door and sat by my feet at the end of the bed. "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Court-"

"Stop," I snapped, glaring at him. He looked hurt but I didn't care.

"What is wrong," he whispered with a hint of wonder in his eyes.

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?" I asked with the same amount of acid in my voice.

"Like what?"

"Like there's something you're thinking about but you won't say what."

"You really want to know?"

My eyebrows furrowed. "Yeah."

He sighed, looking at the door. "I had a dream that felt so real but I know it's impossible."

Fucking hell.

"What was it?" I asked.

"I dreamed that... you and I had sex," he said with a small smile, as if it was some joke. I sat up and looked him in the eye.

"Matt," I said. "That wasn't a dream."

Notes

Chapter title credit: "War" Sum 41
Bigbigbig chapter. Read it, digest it, comment and dissect it. (it sounded good in my head)
Thanks for reading, as always.