"How long are we gonna stay up here," I asked, closing my eyes.

"As long as you want," Matt replied. I sighed.

"Brian's gonna think something bad is going on." Matt's heart kept a steady beat under my ear.

"Let him think what he wants." I felt him lean forward the slightest bit. "Go to sleep, baby girl."

"Will you be here when I wake up?" He gently squeezed my hip.

"Of course." I relaxed in his arms and drifted off into a much needed rest.

***

"I don't scare her," Matt murmured, idly running his fingertips up and down my arm.

"Maybe not, but I know you did when you two were up here alone," Brian retorted.

"Yeah, but I calmed down before I hurt her." Neither of them said anything and I kept my eyes closed in hopes that I could go back to sleep. That was until Matt started talking again. "Can you explain something to me?"

"Maybe," Brian said, sounding bored.

"Tell me what happened the first time." Silence for a few seconds.

"What are you talking about?"

"The first time you had sex with Courtney." I could instantly feel the tension and anxiety in the room. Brian didn't want him to know.

"Why are you asking about that," he replied quietly. His voice took on a darker, edgier tone.

"I just want to know. I can't ask her, and you're the only other one that would know."

"Why can't you ask her?"

"Do you really think she wants to remember that," Matt said, his voice as calm as I have ever heard it.

"I wouldn't know because I don't know what happened," Brian said.

"That's bullshit, Brian. Just tell me. Before she wakes up." Brian took a deep breath; he was gonna tell him.

"Where should I start?"

"When you decided you wanted to do it." Brian sighed.

"That was months before our parents even died. I was originally just gonna wait until they went to a party or something that they were gonna be at pretty late."

"Does she know that?"

"I don't know. I might have told her before, I might have not." Silence for a few seconds. I was praying he'd stop.

"What happened that day?"

"She came home from somewhere. The mall, I think. She went up to her room and I went up after her."

"Did she say anything?"

"Yeah, she said she wanted to be left alone. Something happened with one of her friends. She didn't want to talk but I wouldn't leave."

"Tell me what happened from there."

"I told her I wanted to talk to her, she said she didn't feel like it and she needed time to herself. She was lying down so I did the same but I was propped up on my elbow so I had a hand free and I was tracing shapes on her stomach with my finger or something."

"She didn't think that was weird?"

"I always did it when she was upset or whatever. It calmed her down. But I got closer and closer to her waistline."

"What happened then?"

"She got tense, but she didn't say anything. I just moved the hair out of her face so then she looked at me instead of what I was doing. I told her I loved her and I just wanted her happy."

"What did she say?"

"That she was happy. I told her I could make her happier."

"What'd you do then?"

"I kissed her forehead, and I slipped my hand under her jeans. She gasped and looked at me with these really big eyes, like she didn't know what to do. Then she tried moving away but I held onto her so she couldn't. She said, 'Brian, what are you doing?' I didn't say anything except I wanted to make her happy. My hand went lower and lower and she didn't say anything. Just as I put my finger in I kissed her and she jumped."

"Did she try pushing you away?"

"Of course, but the more she tried, the further I went in, and she winced." My mind took me away from what he was saying and I thought back to when it happened. I remembered everything.

"No, Brian, stop!" I screamed as loud as I could, hoping and praying someonewould hear me. I wasn't that lucky.

"Shut up, Courtney, just shut the fuck up! All right?! It's not gonna do anything!" On the last word, he shoved in and I gasped. I exhaled like I hadn't done so in ages. Black tears streaked my cheeks and I clawed his arms. It had to be the worst pain I had ever imagined, let alone experienced.

"Stop!" He covered my mouth with his hand and got really close to my face. His eyes had never scared me more.

"Shut. Up. Got it? Grow up and take it." I let out a short whining sound and he removed his hand.

"Brian, please. Stop," I begged, tears still flowing.

I came back to reality and to Brian's voice.

"I didn't stop, as much as she pleaded," he said. He actually sounded sincerely regretful.

"Do you wish you could take it back," Matt asked quietly. My heart started beating a little faster in anticipation to hear his answer.

"Honestly?" I felt Matt nod. "I don't know." Shit.

Nothing else was said for a little while, but no one went anywhere. I couldn't even imagine what was going through Matt's head.

"Fuck," Matt said out of nowhere.

"What," Brian asked, still quieter than usual.

"I really have to take a piss." I stifled a chuckle.

"Then go," Brian suggested, sounding like he wanted to laugh, too.

"I can't, I don't wanna wake Courtney up."

"She doesn't wake up easily, you could probably just get up and go and she wouldn't even know." Matt thought about it.

"All right." I didn't move as he gently moved me off of him and onto the bed. He whispered, "I'll be right back." As soon as I heard him close the bathroom door, I opened my eyes.

"Hey, look at that," Brian said with a small smile. I didn't say or do anything. "Matt just went to the bathroom, he'll be back in like a minute."

"I've been awake the whole time," I whispered softly. His lips tensed. He knew what this meant. He didn't say anything, so I continued. "Why would you tell him that?"

"He wanted to know," he said sternly.

"Why would you tell him with me in the room?"

"I thought you were asleep."

"I'm not deaf, I can still hear you and it still sinks in and fucks with my head." He looked down. I stood up and walked out of the room, expecting him to stop me. He didn't bother. I went into my room and closed the door. I grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled a few sentences down. When I was done, I left it on my bed and opened the window as quietly but quickly as I could. I climbed out and managed to get down the lattice that was on the side of the house. I jumped down from where it stopped (only a couple feet) and stood there for a second. This was it.

***Brian's POV***

I hung my head on my hands as I realized what happened. Matt wouldn't get why it was such a big deal that I was talking about it.

"Bri?" He was standing in the doorway. "Where's Court?"

"Her room."

"...Why?"

"She heard me telling you. I promised Courtney that I would never speak of that day to anyone ever. Especially not in detail like I just did. She is now guaranteed to have nightmares of this for weeks." I looked up at him. He just stared at me. Then he took off and started knocking on Court's door.

"Courtney, honey, open the door." No answer. "Baby, please, I wanna talk to you." Still nothing. And the door was locked. Big bang, and it opened. Of course. I walked out after Matt, but he was standing in her room holding a piece of paper. He read it aloud.

"Brian, I can't do this anymore. I don't really know what I mean by that, it means alot in my head, but I guess it mainly means I can't do what we do. That and I feel empty. Mood swings, depression, crying. I can't do it. I love you. You're the best brother ever, but brothers don't do this. I'm going to the bridge for the night. I don't know when I'll see you again, but I love you. Love, Courtney." He looked at me with fear in his eyes. I took the note from him and read it again.

There was a tear stain right above her name.

She's gonna jump.