Until these stitches heal....
Old habbit's die hard.
I looked at the plastic baggy with blue pill's lining the bottom. The bag lay limp in front of me. Taunting me. begging me to get high again. I knew it wasn't worth it but honestly right now I didn't want to face reality at all. My eye's were sore from all the crying I had been doing for the past couple hours.
* "Thank you for taking me out". I said opening Zack's car door. Lilli sat in the driver's seat.
"No problem babe. I felt very overdue to treat you to a birthday lunch, and a girl's day. Plus I needed one". It was definitely nice.
"It was very much needed". I said leaning down so I could look at her.
"I will see you tomorrow night".
"Alright. bye". I shut the passenger door and started for the front door of Brian's house. I pulled my newly died hair down from the bun I had twisted it in. The curl's it created spilled over my shoulder. the sun reflecting off it showed the purple tint to it. I absolutely loved the change from the dark hair I was used to.
Once I reached the front door I turned the handle and pushed the door open. I could feel a breeze coming room his open glass sliding door leading out to his back porch.
"I'm back". I said loudly shutting the door behind me. I walked into the living room and set my purse down on the arm of the couch.
"Is he sleeping"? I asked my self. I grabbed my phone out of my purse and looked at the time. 4:57 p.m.
I walked over to the sliding glass door and peeked out side. Nope. He's not out side. Hmm. I started towards the bedroom. I could hear him lightly snoring. I couldn't help but smile. Ever since he kissed me, I couldn't help but smile when I think about him or see him. I probably look like a freak with all the smiling I've been doing. My feeling's were definitely growing or Brian. I couldn't deny it no matter how hard I try. He was constantly on my mind. There was no, not thinking about him. At this point I think it's impossible to focus on anything else, but believe me I'm definitely not complaining. I stopped in the bedroom door way. I stood there and stared at probably the most perfect man I'd ever know. He was sprawled out on his back In a muscle shirt and baggy jeans. The band of his boxers poked out over the top of his jeans. The shirt was now lifted half way up his stomach. His lips slightly parted, breathing heavy.
It was nice to see him sleeping in his bed again.
This man had helped me so much. The day we were supposed to get my shit he had it all taken care o and told me not to worry about it. He let me stay with him with out having to pay a damn thing. Listen to me when I needed to talk. He's sweet and has a awesome personality. Not to mention he's probably the best looking man on earth.
I decided not to wake him up. He looked rather comfortable. I turned to walk back to the living room.
"Creep". I mumbled catching my attention. "It's not polite to stare at people you know". He opened one eye yawning.
"Since when are you concerned about polite"? My heart was beating a mile a minute. Talking, interacting, doing anything with him seemed to get my heart going. when he's a sleep or gone I'm fine. I can't remember the last time anyone ever had this effect on me. I love it. All I have to do is tell my self keep it together. You've known him for year's don't make thing's awkward.
"I never said I was". He scratched the patch of hair on his chin. "Your purple". He sat up quickly.
"Kinda". I ran my hand through my hair loving the feeling. "It was actually supposed to be a really dark red".
"I like purple". He said smiling.
"I even got mah nail's did". I held up my hand's, finger's spread, doing the oh so lovely jazz hands.
"Your being rather girly today". I dropped my hand's to my side's with an eyebrow raised.
"It's a good thing". He said quickly.
"I'm girly, sometimes". We both started chuckling.
"You look good".*
I sniffled wiping away the tear's that steadily flowed down my face. When thing's seem to be goin perfect someone some how loves to fuck thing's up for me. I looked down at the last text message I had received from Ava. Which had been a while ago.
"fuck". I closed my eye's and tried not to think about the new's that had turned one of the best birthday's I've ever had into a night that brought everything crashing back.
*I looked over my outfit one last time before stepping out of Brian's bathroom. I don't think I looked to bad. I had on a pair of black leather pant's that hugged my leg's, making my ass look fantastic. A white halter t-back top that showed a good majority of my stomach and most of my back, oh you can't forget the cleavage. A pair of 6 inch platform heels I had bought the day I spent with Lilli and one of my many studded belt. The only word that kept crossing my mind was "SLUT", But it's my birthday party I can dress as slutty as I please. Just because I'm comfortable with my body it gets seen as slutty. Whatever. fuck em.
"So what do you think"? I asked looking up from the floor making eye contact with Lilli who was looking at me as she pinned a fake flower into her hair. Her eye's went wide.
"Is it bad? I asked not sure about the look she was giving me.
"No. You look amazing". She said smiling looking me up and down. "Seriously. If I were a dude I'd fuck you".
"Who's fucking who"? Jimmy said poking his head into the bedroom. "WE GOT A HOTTIE'S IN HERE"! He yelled before disapeering. "Seriously good looking women".
I chuckled and rolled my eye's.
"You do look really good". She said again.
"I don't look like a slut"? Please say no.
"Hell no. You just look sexy".
"LET'S GO"! Jimmy yelled again.
Jimmy was riding with, Zack, Lilli and my self. Making for a very awesome car ride. Lilli sat up front with her man and I sat in back doing some "Before party drinking" with Jimmy.
"No. None of that pussy shit". he said grabbing the flask from me, that I had brought. "It's your birthday. You have to party hardy". I giggled feeling the warming effect from the couple of shot sized drink's I had taken. He gulped some down before handing it back to me.
"So you have to take another one. But you gotta do it right this time". I grabbed the flask and brought it to my lip's.
"Were almost there". Zack said from the front.
"Drink it"! I loved drinking with Jimmy. It was always fun. He knew how to have a good time. It didn't matter if he was drinking or not he always knew how to have a good time. He could always put a smile on someone's face.*
I couldn't take my eye's off the pill's. It's like they were screaming at me . I had bought them to take them. Why the haven't I yet? Why am I second guessing my self. I got them for a reason. I didn't want to go back to the strung out pill dependent junkie I used to be but no amount of alcohol I had drank tonight was doing a damn thing. I knew I risked the chance of killing my self. Maybe that was what I was wanting to do. Thing's would be better that way, but I figured if I was talking up ward's of 10 milligram's of Xanax a day along with what ever pill's I could get my hand's on, and not to mention the heavy drinking I was constantly doing. Taking one couldn't hurt.
Grabbed the clear plastic baggy and tore it open pouring the pill's onto the table. I was really doing this again. I separated one of the pill's from the others pulling it closer to the edge of the table. I grabbed the empty beer bottle beside me and placed the edge of the bottom on top of the pill.
Just fucking do it. pushed the bottle down on the pill and watched the pill turn in to powder. I used my finger to push the powder into a line. I lowered my head and inhaled the powder with out another thought. My nose was now on fire.
I really just did it. I'm doing something I never thought I would do again. Ruin my life all over again. I'm a failure.
I gasped throwing my head back inhaling deeply before sighing heavily. soon the over whelming guilt would set in. Slowly realizing I was sinking back into the tell foot hole I dug my self, that I hoped had been filled. right now I needed some one here to tell my everything will be okay. Some one who I could trust. Some one to talk to I need Brian.
* "Thank you for taking me out". I said opening Zack's car door. Lilli sat in the driver's seat.
"No problem babe. I felt very overdue to treat you to a birthday lunch, and a girl's day. Plus I needed one". It was definitely nice.
"It was very much needed". I said leaning down so I could look at her.
"I will see you tomorrow night".
"Alright. bye". I shut the passenger door and started for the front door of Brian's house. I pulled my newly died hair down from the bun I had twisted it in. The curl's it created spilled over my shoulder. the sun reflecting off it showed the purple tint to it. I absolutely loved the change from the dark hair I was used to.
Once I reached the front door I turned the handle and pushed the door open. I could feel a breeze coming room his open glass sliding door leading out to his back porch.
"I'm back". I said loudly shutting the door behind me. I walked into the living room and set my purse down on the arm of the couch.
"Is he sleeping"? I asked my self. I grabbed my phone out of my purse and looked at the time. 4:57 p.m.
I walked over to the sliding glass door and peeked out side. Nope. He's not out side. Hmm. I started towards the bedroom. I could hear him lightly snoring. I couldn't help but smile. Ever since he kissed me, I couldn't help but smile when I think about him or see him. I probably look like a freak with all the smiling I've been doing. My feeling's were definitely growing or Brian. I couldn't deny it no matter how hard I try. He was constantly on my mind. There was no, not thinking about him. At this point I think it's impossible to focus on anything else, but believe me I'm definitely not complaining. I stopped in the bedroom door way. I stood there and stared at probably the most perfect man I'd ever know. He was sprawled out on his back In a muscle shirt and baggy jeans. The band of his boxers poked out over the top of his jeans. The shirt was now lifted half way up his stomach. His lips slightly parted, breathing heavy.
It was nice to see him sleeping in his bed again.
This man had helped me so much. The day we were supposed to get my shit he had it all taken care o and told me not to worry about it. He let me stay with him with out having to pay a damn thing. Listen to me when I needed to talk. He's sweet and has a awesome personality. Not to mention he's probably the best looking man on earth.
I decided not to wake him up. He looked rather comfortable. I turned to walk back to the living room.
"Creep". I mumbled catching my attention. "It's not polite to stare at people you know". He opened one eye yawning.
"Since when are you concerned about polite"? My heart was beating a mile a minute. Talking, interacting, doing anything with him seemed to get my heart going. when he's a sleep or gone I'm fine. I can't remember the last time anyone ever had this effect on me. I love it. All I have to do is tell my self keep it together. You've known him for year's don't make thing's awkward.
"I never said I was". He scratched the patch of hair on his chin. "Your purple". He sat up quickly.
"Kinda". I ran my hand through my hair loving the feeling. "It was actually supposed to be a really dark red".
"I like purple". He said smiling.
"I even got mah nail's did". I held up my hand's, finger's spread, doing the oh so lovely jazz hands.
"Your being rather girly today". I dropped my hand's to my side's with an eyebrow raised.
"It's a good thing". He said quickly.
"I'm girly, sometimes". We both started chuckling.
"You look good".*
I sniffled wiping away the tear's that steadily flowed down my face. When thing's seem to be goin perfect someone some how loves to fuck thing's up for me. I looked down at the last text message I had received from Ava. Which had been a while ago.
"fuck". I closed my eye's and tried not to think about the new's that had turned one of the best birthday's I've ever had into a night that brought everything crashing back.
*I looked over my outfit one last time before stepping out of Brian's bathroom. I don't think I looked to bad. I had on a pair of black leather pant's that hugged my leg's, making my ass look fantastic. A white halter t-back top that showed a good majority of my stomach and most of my back, oh you can't forget the cleavage. A pair of 6 inch platform heels I had bought the day I spent with Lilli and one of my many studded belt. The only word that kept crossing my mind was "SLUT", But it's my birthday party I can dress as slutty as I please. Just because I'm comfortable with my body it gets seen as slutty. Whatever. fuck em.
"So what do you think"? I asked looking up from the floor making eye contact with Lilli who was looking at me as she pinned a fake flower into her hair. Her eye's went wide.
"Is it bad? I asked not sure about the look she was giving me.
"No. You look amazing". She said smiling looking me up and down. "Seriously. If I were a dude I'd fuck you".
"Who's fucking who"? Jimmy said poking his head into the bedroom. "WE GOT A HOTTIE'S IN HERE"! He yelled before disapeering. "Seriously good looking women".
I chuckled and rolled my eye's.
"You do look really good". She said again.
"I don't look like a slut"? Please say no.
"Hell no. You just look sexy".
"LET'S GO"! Jimmy yelled again.
Jimmy was riding with, Zack, Lilli and my self. Making for a very awesome car ride. Lilli sat up front with her man and I sat in back doing some "Before party drinking" with Jimmy.
"No. None of that pussy shit". he said grabbing the flask from me, that I had brought. "It's your birthday. You have to party hardy". I giggled feeling the warming effect from the couple of shot sized drink's I had taken. He gulped some down before handing it back to me.
"So you have to take another one. But you gotta do it right this time". I grabbed the flask and brought it to my lip's.
"Were almost there". Zack said from the front.
"Drink it"! I loved drinking with Jimmy. It was always fun. He knew how to have a good time. It didn't matter if he was drinking or not he always knew how to have a good time. He could always put a smile on someone's face.*
I couldn't take my eye's off the pill's. It's like they were screaming at me . I had bought them to take them. Why the haven't I yet? Why am I second guessing my self. I got them for a reason. I didn't want to go back to the strung out pill dependent junkie I used to be but no amount of alcohol I had drank tonight was doing a damn thing. I knew I risked the chance of killing my self. Maybe that was what I was wanting to do. Thing's would be better that way, but I figured if I was talking up ward's of 10 milligram's of Xanax a day along with what ever pill's I could get my hand's on, and not to mention the heavy drinking I was constantly doing. Taking one couldn't hurt.
Grabbed the clear plastic baggy and tore it open pouring the pill's onto the table. I was really doing this again. I separated one of the pill's from the others pulling it closer to the edge of the table. I grabbed the empty beer bottle beside me and placed the edge of the bottom on top of the pill.
Just fucking do it. pushed the bottle down on the pill and watched the pill turn in to powder. I used my finger to push the powder into a line. I lowered my head and inhaled the powder with out another thought. My nose was now on fire.
I really just did it. I'm doing something I never thought I would do again. Ruin my life all over again. I'm a failure.
I gasped throwing my head back inhaling deeply before sighing heavily. soon the over whelming guilt would set in. Slowly realizing I was sinking back into the tell foot hole I dug my self, that I hoped had been filled. right now I needed some one here to tell my everything will be okay. Some one who I could trust. Some one to talk to I need Brian.
12/10/12