Will you carry me down the aisle that final day?
With your tears and cold hands shaking from the weight.
When you lower me down beneath that sky of gray,
Let the rain fall down and wash away your pain


"Zack, are you in there?" Brian asked tentatively, rapping his knuckles on the door. Zacky groaned and rolled over in his bed, knocking a beer bottle onto the floor. He didn't want to get up and answer the door for Brian; to do so required an amount of willpower he no longer had. Zacky only wanted to lay in bed and wallow in his pain. "Zacky, if you don't open this fucking door right now, I'm going to break it down."

"I don't care," Zacky groaned.

Letting out a ragged sigh, Brian began kicking the door just beneath the doorknob. Brian hated to tear up Zacky's house, but Zacky wasn't really giving him much of a choice. It took a few solidly-placed kicks, but Brian finally managed to break down the bedroom door. The sight that greeted him broke his heart into pieces. Zacky was curled up in the center of his king-sized bed, dressed only in a pair of boxers, with his knees drawn up to his chest. Various bottles of alcohol littered the room. Zacky stared straight ahead, his bloodshot emerald eyes shimmering with tears. "Zack," was all Brian could manage to say.

"What do you want?" Zacky croaked. He drew his covers up around his body, suddenly cold. He knew what Brian wanted. It was the same thing that everyone wanted. They all wanted to stop by and spout their condolences to him, telling him how sorry they were about Abbey. But every mention of his beautiful Georgia peach only drove him further into his hole of depression.

"Zacky, you need to get out of bed," Brian said gently. "It's been a week."

Zacky turned a dull glare on his chocolate-eyed friend. Brian had no idea what type of hell he was in. Asking him to leave this bed knowing that Abbey was gone was like asking another man to count every blade of grass on Earth. "Go away, Brian," Zacky grumbled, rolling over to his other side. He was done talking and wanted to go to sleep.

Brian looked on in silence for a few moments before marching over to the bed. He seized Zacky by the ankles and pulled, dragging Zacky out of bed and onto the floor. The green-eyed man cursed and flailed, obviously unhappy to have been to have been unceremoniously yanked from the safe haven of his bed. "Get up," Brian ordered. Zacky raised his middle finger into the air. "Zacky, look at yourself! What do you think Abbey would say about this?" Brian knew it might not have been the best idea to bring Abbey into this, and he was unfortunately proven right when Zacky began crying, the sobs causing his body to shake violently. "Zack, I'm sorry. I--"

"Why did you come here?" Zacky asked.

"We're worried about you," Brian answered from above him. "So get up and take a shower."

"What if I don't want to?"

"You need to rejoin the world of the living, Zack," Brian sighed. "Johnny and Matt are waiting downstairs. Now please, get up."

Finally realizing that there was no use in arguing, Zacky clambered to his feet and shuffled to the bathroom. He turned on the shower, making the water as hot as he could possibly stand it. Zacky stood beneath the scalding water for a few minutes before he actually went about cleaning himself; he pressed his forehead against the cold tile and let out the last of the tears that burned the back of his eyes.

When Zacky emerged from the bathroom, Brian had disappeared. But Zacky could hear him talking to Johnny and Matt downstairs, so he knew Brian hadn't left completely. Zacky quickly dressed and went over to the mirror. He hadn't seen his own reflection in days and what he saw shocked him.

The man staring back at Zacky was more of a ghost than a human. His green eyes were dull, his damp hair disheveled. There were sunken, dark half-circles beneath his eyes, and a five o'clock shadow darkened his chin. But how could anyone blame him? He'd just had his whole world ripped away from him. They were lucky he was even breathing right now.

"Jesus Christ Zack, ever heard of a razor?" Johnny joked when Zacky emerged downstairs. Zacky sent a glare in his younger friend's direction, and Johnny shrunk back against the couch. "Hey, calm down. I was just trying to lighten the mood."

"Well fuck you," Zacky croaked. He knew that Johnny was only trying to help, but Zacky just wasn't in the mood for it. He wasn't in the mood for anything quite frankly.

Matt, ever the voice of reason, stepped up to defend Johnny. "Zacky, he was just trying to help," the hazel-eyed man said. "Even if he was a little off-base." Johnny just shrugged.

Zacky grumbled an apology to Johnny. Even if he couldn't - or wouldn't - show it, he appreciated his friend's attempt to cheer him up. "So why are you guys here?" Zacky asked. He glanced at Brian. "Other than to drag me out of bed."

"We just wanted to see how you're doing," Johnny spoke up. "You know, after--"

"Don't fucking say it," Zacky interrupted, his voice a low growl. He didn't need reminding that Abbey was dead; he felt the emptiness surrounding him now that she was no longer here. He glanced at his friends. "If all you came to do was check on me, you can leave now. I'm fine."

Matt and Brian shared a worried glance. Had Zacky really forgotten? "Zack, we're spreading Abbey's ashes today," Matt explained gently. Zacky stilled, and as his friends looked on, his eyes darkened. "And I know you don't want to miss that."

Zacky shook his head slowly; he felt as if he was moving through molasses. He knew this day was coming, but he'd hoped that by not thinking about it, he could push it away. But now, with his three remaining friends standing in front of him, Zacky could avoid it no longer.

♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪


Zacky's hands shook as the urn was given to him. He gripped it tight, clutching it to his chest. In this small piece of pottery was what remained of Abbey's physical being, and Zacky simply couldn't imagine letting go of it. But this was what Abbey wanted.

"Zacky?" Brian's voice was soft. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah," Zacky breathed. Slowly, he removed the lid of the urn and reached his hand inside. Tears sprung to his eyes when his fingertips brushed the ashes. This was what Abbey had been reduced to? Dust? It hardly seemed possible. Zacky retracted his hand from the urn. "I-I can't...I can't do this," he choked out. He thrust the urn at Brian. "You guys do yours first."

"If that's what you want," Brian said softly. Turning to Johnny and Matt, Brian reached into the urn and pulled out a handful of Abbey's ashes; the oldest man stepped over to the edge of the small cliff and released the ashes, watching as the small particles caught the wind and flew away. Matt and Johnny did the same, each of them offering a whispered farewell to another of their oldest friends lost far too soon. Zacky might not understand it, but Abbey's death hit the three of them just as hard because she was their friend as well and it hurt to have to let her go.

Johnny was the last one of the three of them to release a bit of Abbey, and so it was he who approached Zacky with the urn. Johnny opened his mouth to speak to his grieving friend but was cut short when Zacky yanked him close, crushing the urn between their chests. Johnny's heart broke just a little bit more for Zacky. "You can do this, Zacky," he assured his friend. "This is what Abbey wanted. Think of Abbey."

Zacky remained in the embrace of his old friend for another minute or so before he moved away, the urn clutched in his hands. Zacky shot Johnny a grateful smile. "Thanks, Johnny," he said. With a shuddering sigh, Zacky walked to the edge of the cliff. He gripped a handful of ashes and held his hand out over the ocean; Zacky slowly opened his fingers, watching as Abbey's ashes floated away on the wind, taking his heart with them.

♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪


When Matt, Brian, and Johnny arrived at Zacky's house to pick him up for Abbey's memorial service, they found him passed out on the kitchen floor, his tattooed fingers barely clutching a half-empty bottle of vodka. The drinking problem he'd had when they were searching for Abbey had only been amplified after her death, and they were worried about him.

"Zack, wake up," Brian boomed, nudging his snoozing friend with his toe.

Zacky groaned and rolled onto his side, sending the vodka bottle rolling across the kitchen floor. "Just...five more minutes, Abbey," he mumbled.

Brian frowned. It didn't surprise him that Zacky dreamt of Abbey. "Zacky, it's Brian," he said, nudging Zacky again. "You need to get up or we're gonna be late for Abbey's memorial service."

Zacky's green eyes finally flickered open and when he saw his friends standing over him, his heart sank. This happened every time he dreamed of Abbey; he'd wake up to the knowledge that she was gone and now never coming back and his heart would implore. The grief was just too much. But Brian's words broke through his haze, and Zacky knew that this was something he needed to do.

Zacky dressed and groomed himself robotically, giving himself a much-needed shave, before he and the other guys departed for the small church where Abbey's memorial service was being held. After a bit of pleading with his friends, Zacky drove his own car to the church; this way he'd be able to leave early if things became too much for him, which they surely would.

Zacky snuck a drink from his flask before going into the church. He was instantly approached by Abbey's grief-stricken mother, whose eyes harbored the pain of losing a second child. "Oh Zack," she whispered, pulling him into a hug. "I was hoping you'd be here. I can't imagine how painful all of this must be for you."

"Not nearly as painful as it is for you and David," Zacky responded, managing a weak smile. It was sweet of Kate to be thinking of him during this time, but deep down Zacky knew that his grief could never match hers.

"David and I were wondering if you would like to give a eulogy," Abbey's mother said, gripping Zacky's tattooed hand. "You knew Abbey better than anyone and it would be a good way to get things off of your chest."

"I-I'll do it," Zacky stuttered. Abbey's mother nodded solemnly and beckoned Zacky forward to the pulpit of the church. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze before moving to stand next to her husband. This left Zacky standing alone, with every eye now focused on him. He could feel Matt's friendly hazel gaze, Brian's worried stare. But more than anything, Zacky could feel a pair of steely gray eyes watching him from overhead.

"Um, hey everybody," Zacky began, his voice soft and unsure. "Kate and David have asked me to um, give a eulogy since I knew Abbey so well. I met Abbey when I was six years old. That's before I even met any of the guys, which was a long ass time ago." Zacky paused as everyone chuckled and took a deep breath before continuing. "So...everybody kinda always knew that me and Abbey would end up being more than friends eventually. I think it happened when we were like fourteen when she used to take me out into the woods to learn to shoot. And the funny thing is, I denied my feelings for her right up until she kissed me." Zacky paused again, tears welling in his eyes as memories of Abbey flooded his mind.

"It didn't take long after that for me to realize I loved her," Zacky continued. "I loved everything about her. I loved her smile, her laugh, the way she always seemed to smell like freaking peaches. And she was always so supportive of the things I did with Avenged Sevenfold. She was at every show, she cheered us on, she jumped in the mosh pits! She was amazing and...and God, I miss her. She was my whole fucking world and now she's gone. I can't...I feel like my heart has been yanked out of my chest and it...it...it fucking hurtsknowing she's gone. It hurts knowing I couldn't protect her from all of this. I just...I loved her. I fucking loved her, and now...now she's gone." Zacky took a long, shuddering breath, trying hard to push back the tears that he so badly wanted to let stream down his cheeks.

Without saying anything else, Zacky rushed off of the pulpit and headed for the front door, shoving Johnny out of the way as he went. Zacky went straight to his car, trying hard to catch his breath as the sobs racked his body. He knew he wouldn't be alone for long, and he was proven all too right when Matt, Brian, and Johnny soon appeared in front of him.

"Hey Zack, you okay?" Johnny asked tentatively, reaching his hand out to Zacky.

The emerald-eyed man shoved his friend's hand away, refusing the younger man's effort at comforting him. "Does it look like I'm fucking okay?" Zacky snapped. "Abbey's fucking dead and I keep having to relive it over and over again. Zacky drew in a deep breath. "I just wanna go home and sleep." Maybe forever.

"We'll stop by later," Brian said to Zacky. The younger man simply nodded and started his car.

Once he was away from the worried and judging stares of his friends and the others, Zacky felt no shame in letting his tears fall freely. He was so tired of this pain and emptiness; he could only hope that he could remedy the cavernous hole in his heart with his beloved Jack Daniels.

Zacky wasn't really paying attention to the road as he drove home; his tears blurred his vision and sorrow clouded his mind. Even so, the crash wasn't his fault; he had the green light. But it happened all the same, and suddenly Zacky was in excruciating pain and he was falling, falling, falling...

When he opened his eyes, Zacky found himself sitting in a world of white. There seemed to be no conceivable end to this place, and at first, Zacky thought that he might be dead, but the agonizing pounding in his head set him straight. Perhaps he was dreaming?

"You're not dreaming, Zacky," a sweet voice said, and when Zacky looked up, he found himself staring at two people he never thought he'd see again.

"Abbey?" he breathed. She smiled and nodded. His eyes traveled next to the giant of a man standing beside her. "J-Jimmy?"

"'Sup, Zack?" Jimmy said, cracking a grin. Zacky, however, was silent; he stared up at Abbey and Jimmy in awe. The blue-eyed man frowned. "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"You're dead," Zacky spit out. He looked to Abbey, tears welling in his emerald eyes. "Can...Can I touch you?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper. Abbey barely had a chance to nod before she was suddenly being crushed against Zacky's chest, his strong arms wrapped tightly around her slender shoulders. In life, this had always brought her comfort, but in death, it only brought her heartache. "I miss you so much, Abbey," Zacky choked out. "Why did you have to go?"

"It was my time," Abbey said solemnly. She gently pushed Zacky away but held tight to his hand. A lump was forming in the back of her throat, her heart shattering for Zacky. "But not yours. You have to go back, Zacky."

Zacky shook his head wildly. "No, I want to stay here with you and Jimmy," he pleaded. "Losing both of you hurt so bad and--"

"Imagine how much it'll hurt Brian, Matt, and Johnny to lose you," Jimmy interrupted. He met Zacky's sorrowful gaze with a steely glaze in his cerulean eyes. "They're still mourning for me and for Abbey. They need you."

"But will the pain ever stop?" Zacky cried. "I mean, fuck...I lost two of my best friends and...and I just feel so...empty. Matt and Brian and Johnny will get over me eventually. They've got so many people to comfort them, they--"

"Don't you dare say they don't need you," someone hissed. Zacky gaped at Jimmy, momentarily confused that he hadn't seen the taller man's mouth move. But then he turned his gaze to Abbey and took in her posture: her gray eyes burned holes into his skin, her fists were clenched so tight her fingernails cut half-moons into her palms. Zacky blanched. Never before had he seen Abbey this angry. "They've lost so much these past few months and they need their brother to help them through this. I know you might think that you're all alone in your pain, but you're not. Matt, Brian, and Johnny have lost the same thing you have. They lost a brother and a friend. Jesus Christ Zack, think of someone besides yourself for a change."

Jimmy gripped Abbey by the upper arm and pulled her back away from Zacky. "You need to calm down," he said to her.

"It just kills me that I can't be there to comfort them!" Abbey shouted. She turned to Zacky and met his gaze; he could see a sadness in her eyes that words could never explain. "And that's why you need to go back, Zacky. As much as it hurts, as much as you want to stay, you have to go back. It's not your time. You have a long life ahead of you."

Zacky closed his eyes, trying hard to imagine the rest of his life, a life without Abbey. But his mind kept drifting back to his past, back to the first time he met Abbey, the first time they'd kissed, the first time they'd made love. He thought about every quiet moment they spent cuddled together and every screaming match they'd had. And then he remembered the last time he'd ever held her in his arms, and then Zacky broke down, falling to his knees. This was asking too much of him, letting go of Abbey and and Jimmy. He just couldn't do it.

"I know it's hard for you to grasp, Zacky," Abbey whispered, laying her hand on his shoulder. His body shook with sobs. "But I know you can do it. You'rea strong person, you always have been. Let Matt, Brian, and Johnny help you, and I promise this pain will pass."

With a shuddering sigh, Abbey leaned down and placed a kiss to Zacky's forehead, and he was swept back in time to a warm day in June twenty two years ago, when all of this started.

Zacky ran fast, careful not to trip over his shoelaces as he followed his new friend Abbey Ketterling down the sidewalk. After stopping a mean boy from pushing her to the dirt, they were both surprised to learn that they only lived three houses apart. Of course, after Abbey found out about this, the small girl with the strange accent insisted on dragging him down the street to meet her family.

"Abbey, wait!" Zacky panted. "I can't keep up!"

"Run faster, silly!" she called back to him. "We're almost there!"

Up ahead, Abbey scampered into a house, and Zacky could hear her shouting for her mother. He arrived at the house seconds later and hurried inside, relishing in the air conditioning. "There you are!" Abbey chirped. She ran up to him and grabbed his hand, pulling him into the living room. "Mama! Come here!"

"Abbey Ketterling, quit all that yelling!" her mother scolded, appearing from another room. Her bright eyes landed on Abbey and Zacky, and she smiled. "Well now, who's this?"

Abbey beamed at Zacky and then at her mother. "This is Zacky Baker," she stated simply. "I met him at the park today, and we're gonna be friends forever!"

"Forever..." Zacky whispered.

"You've always been my hero, Zacky," Abbey said, smiling sadly. "But now it's time to save yourself."

"Will I see you again?" Zacky croaked.

"When the time is right," Abbey replied. She released his hand. "Goodbye, Zack."

"I love you, Abbey," Zacky said. He blinked and when his eyes opened, he found himself under the bright light of a hospital lamp; wires and tubes entered his body in various places and his entire body ached. Matt, Brian, and Johnny were all slumped over in hard-backed chairs, and when Zacky shifted on the bed, all three of them quickly glanced over.

"Zacky!" Brian shouted. The three men rushed to his side, worry splashed across their faces. "Shit, we thought we lost you, too."

"Nah, you're not gonna get rid of me that easily," Zacky joked, managing a weak smile. The three men gathered around his bed laughed dryly; they all knew they'd come dangerously close to losing another brother.

"We'll leave and let you get a little rest," Matt said, patting Zacky's leg. They each said their respective goodbyes and left, wholly intent on getting some much-needed sleep after an emotionally exhausting day.

Zacky shifted again in his bed, attempting to get comfortable as more painkillers flooded his system. It didn't take long for the medicine to take its intended effects and soon Zacky's eyelids began to flutter closed. And just before he fell into a slumber, Zacky was sure he caught the faintest scent of a sweet Georgia peach.

"Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality." -- Emily Dickinson

Notes