I can’t even describe the feeling that was spreading throughout m chest, to say that it was sadness, would be an extreme understatement. I felt like I should be crying, there should be tears streaming down my face, but I just couldn’t muster up the tears. There were so many emotions that I didn’t know which one to focus on, I was completely overwhelmed. I stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, knowing what to do. I quietly padded over to the door and placed one hand on the door handle, I knew before even turning it that it wouldn’t work, he wanted to punish me, and he knew that keeping my locked up in a room with nothing to do was the perfect punishment. I placed my forehead against the cool wood of the door and let out a deep sigh, I closed my eyes and let myself be still and quiet for a moment, forgetting everything that had just happened. I ignored the fact that I had to do the one thing I swore I never would, see a therapist; I ignored the thoughts and questions swimming through my mind; I forgot about the damp feeling of my shorts as the blood soaked into them; I didn’t even focus on the pain and heat that was radiating from my hips; I just let myself be still. I sank down to the floor and leaned my body against the sturdy door. I brought my knees up to my chest and rested my head on the cool wood, closing my eyes and letting myself fall into a peaceful sleep, I didn’t have enough energy in me to move to the bed, I was defeated, I was broken.

I only woke once in the night, it was early in the morning, the sun wasn’t yet up, and I rolled my shoulders and straightened out my neck, trying to get rid of the dull ache that had appeared. I slowly stood up and stretched before moving over to the bed and crawling under the blankets of the empty and cold bed. I knew that he wouldn’t stay here tonight, he was angry and disappointed, but I couldn’t help the feeling of loneliness that swept over me as I slept in this big, empty bed.

I awoke early the next morning to the sound of something scraping against the floor. “What are you doing?” I asked Zacky as he pushed my dresser across the room with the clothes from my closet piled on top.

“Well, Matt’s decided that you’re going to stay in his room from now on so he can keep a proper eye on you. Oh, and he says to go downstairs, the shrink’s here.”

“Why can’t he just tell me himself?” I asked him, though I couldn’t mask the hurt that my words were coated in.

“Awe, Puppet, he doesn’t want to see you right now.”

“Well if that’s the way this works, I don’t want to see the shrink,” I told him, lying back down and covering myself up with the blankets.

“Yeah, it really doesn’t work that way,” Zacky explained, shaking his head and crossing is arms after he got the dresser in the spot he wanted it.

“I don’t really care, I’m not going.”

“Yeah, we thought you’d say that. BRIAN!” Zacky shouted as he stomped out of the room, soon being replaced with Brian. As soon as he entered the room, I turned my back at him, not being able to look at him. The sight of him terrified me, it brought back awful memories of the time he raped me and of all the times he’s beaten me, especially the one where he beat me into a coma.

“Get up,” he told me, his voice loud, indicating that he was standing very close to me.

“Get away from me.”

“Now Peanut, do you really want to do this the hard way?” He asked me as I felt the bed dip under his weight. Before I knew what was happening, he had flipped me over onto my back and was straddling my waist. “Now, we can do this your way, where you walk out of this room, or we can do it my way, where I haul your ass out of this room. Which do you choose?” He asked, his nose touching mine, his face eerily close to mine. My heart was pounding and fear was coursing through my veins, I wanted him far away from me, I didn’t want him to touch me. I placed my hands on his chest and, with all my strength, push him off of me. I quickly scrambled off the bed and through the door, practically running through the halls. “Damn, I was hoping that you’d be your regular stubborn fuck and let me do it the hard way,” Brian said, trailing me at a very fast pace. “Don’t you want to change before you go meet the shrink? You know, first impressions are everything.” When I looked down, I saw I was still wearing the same things as I was yesterday morning, but this time, there were blood stains seeping through the hem of my shorts, my shirt wrinkled and without a doubt, my hair was ghastly. After a moment’s hesitation, I turned on my heel and headed back in the same direction I had just come from. When I got into Matt’s room, I immediately slammed the door in Brian’s face, if I was going to be changing, there was no way he would be watching, though he didn’t seem to get the hint as he opened the door again and let himself in.

“GET OUT!” I shrieked at him as he sat down on the bed and watched me.

“Sorry Peanut, new rule, you have to be accompanied at all times. I don’t make the rules, but I guess I’ll just have to sit here and watch you,” he said with a smirk plastered onto his face.

“I’m not a fucking child, now get the fuck out!”

“No can do, Peanut.” When he refused to leave, walked over to the closet door and closed it, I went to lock it but there wasn’t a lock on this door, now that I think of it, there weren’t locks on any of the doors anymore. “Now don’t make this harder than it has to be,” he said as he opened the door and leaned against the frame. “I promise not to touch, we can’t have you all worked up before you see the doc, now can we? Now hurry up, strip and get changed.” I quickly went through the closet and picked out a quick outfit, I quickly threw it on, opting to keep the same underwear, considering I didn’t know how trust worthy he was. When I was done, he moved out of the way and let me leave, still with a smirk on his face. When I made it down the stairs, I wasn’t really sure where I was supposed to go, where was this thing going to happen? “Right in the living room, if you’re wondering.”

I tried to keep my composure as I walked into the living room with my head held high and my shoulders rolled back. I would not tell this man a single thing about myself, he would not crack me. When I walked in, all eyes turned towards me. It seemed like all the guys were in here, including Matt, but as soon as my eyes met his, he turned away and said a few hushed words to the guys who all left the room, then it was only me and the shrink. He was an older man, salt and pepper hair and large, black rimmed glasses. He sat in a leather armchair, poised and waiting with a pen in one hand and a clipboard sitting in his lap. He was wearing black dress pants and a blue button down with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows as he stared at me expectantly. He hadn’t even said one word to me and I already knew that I hated this man with everything I had.

“Why don’t you take a seat, Holly?” Oh god, he’s British too, what a pretentious bastard. I continued to stare at him skeptically as I sat on the couch the farthest spot possible. He began asking me questions, all of them I had heard before and I knew exactly what they wanted to hear, but I didn’t give that to him, I didn’t give him anything he could work with, I didn’t give him anything. With each question came a blank stare. I was really starting to get annoyed with this man until he started on a topic that really was none of his business, that just sent me fuming.
“So, I hear you’ve been having intimacy issues, why do you think that is?”

“What?” I sneered, immediately snapping out of my daze.

“Well, I was told that every time you get intimate with someone you ‘freak out,’ why do you think that is?”

“What are you talking about?” I tried to play it dumb, but the anger was just boiling up inside of me.

“Well, you can’t have sex, why do you think that is?”

“THAT’S NONE OF YOUR GOD DAMN BUSINESS, YOU PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLE!” I screamed at him, jumping up from my spot on the couch.

“Answer the question, Holly,” Matt said as he walked into the living room, arms crossed and leaning against the back wall, looking at me for the first time.

“NO, THAT’S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS; I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT!” I screamed at him, though he remained cool and collected.

“He’s here to help fix you, and this is just one of the things that need to be fixed,” he explained, trying to defend himself though he was actually only digging his grave a little deeper.

“FIX? I’M NOT A BROKEN TOY YOU CAN JUST SEEND TO GET REPAIRED, IM NOT BROKEN, YOU IGNORANT LITTLE FUCK.”

DING

“Oh look, your time’s up, time for you to get the fuck out,” I sneered at the doctor, who’s name I never got.

“Well, I’ll be back tomorrow for another session.” He said, not looking at me, but at Matt.

“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay the fuck away from this house and me,” I threatened him, though he continued to stare at Matt, having a silent conversation with each other. With a single nod in my direction, he put his papers into his brief case and left the house.

“Now, was that nice?” Matt asked me, his expression stern, as if he was disciplining a small child.

“I don’t fucking care if it was nice! I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not a nice person! And I don’t appreciate it when people tell other people things about myself that are personal,” when I went to leave the room in a huff, he stepped in my way blocking the exit. “Get the fuck out of my way.”

“I know you don’t see it, but you’re damaged and you need help and we will get you help, even if we have to strap you down and shove it down your throat.” His eyes burned into mine for a second longer until he stepped out of the way and let me pass. I stomped up the stairs and into the bedroom, slamming the door closed. I was angry, I was pissed, and I wanted more than anything to prove the doctor wrong. I walked into the bathroom and slammed that door closed to.
I ran the water in the shower, stripping of my clothes and hopping in. Even though they had taken all the razors, there was one left in the shower for me, though I was usually under supervision so they knew I wouldn’t do anything. I scrubbed my body down with peach body wash, using vanilla shampoo and conditioner. I shaved practically my entire body, anything to make myself more desirable. I knew I didn’t have a lot of time, I knew that Matt would be coming back up here soon to keep an eye on me. So I quickly finished and wrapped a fluffy towel around myself, plugging in the curler and blow drying my hair. When I was completely done, my red hair hung in loose curls around my shoulders. I started to apply some makeup, a light smoky eye and clear lip gloss. When I was pleased with my appearance, I made my way into the closet, and straight to one of the drawers that I had sworn that I would never touch. I opened the drawer and stared at the array of colours; I shoved my hand in and randomly pulled on out, immediately putting it on.

I walked over to the full length mirror that was propped up against the wall and stared at myself in shock. The teddy that I was wearing was a soft pink, shear and barely skimming the tops of my thighs, it was lacy with a black bow in the center of my chest. I placed my hands flat against my stomach and was running them down the smooth fabric when the door opened.

“What, what’s that?” Matt asked, pointing to what I’m wearing. Instead of answering him, I walked over to him and took his face in my hands and kissed him, hard. His hands snaked around my back and rested on my ass. I wrapped m arms around his neck, deepening the kiss, and jumping up, wrapping my legs around his waist. He pressed my back against the wall and grinded himself against me. I could feel him hardening against my leg and that made my heart speed up. My breathing hitched in my throat as he groped my ass. My inner voice was telling me that this wasn’t what I wanted, and it was right, but I pushed it to the back of my mind, desperate to prove to the doctor that he was wrong. He broke away from me for one second and leaned his forehead against mine, looking me in the eyes. “If you aren’t ready, we don’t have to do this,” he said in a breathy voice.

“No, I want this,” I told him, trying to sound as sincere as possible. No you don’t. After those four words, things got more intense. He carried me over to the bed and practically threw me on it, immediately climbing back on top of me. His hands trailed up my stomach and up to my breasts, groping them through the thin fabric. You could tell that he was eager, all of his movement quick, wasting no time. He quickly shed of all of his clothing, except for his boxers and was now moving on to me; he untied the bow in the middle and pushed the garment off of my shoulders. When his hands travelled down, toying with the edge of my underwear, my heart began beating erratically, my body tense, not that he seemed to notice, I had already given him the OK. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! My mind was screaming at me as he pushed his fingers under the hem and swiftly pulled them down my legs, never once breaking the kiss. I began freaking out as one hand pushed my legs apart and he readied himself at entrance.

“You ready?” He asked me, staring down.

“Yes,” I whispered, not being able to make any more noise come out of me. No.As he pushed himself into me, a tear slipped down my cheek and he immediately brushed it away with the pad of his thumb.

“It’s okay, babe, it’ll stop hurting soon,” he said as he began thrusting in and out of me gently, only, it didn’t hurt, not at all, a little uncomfortable, but it didn’t hurt. I was crying because I was upset. Even though, I was letting him do this, I still felt violated, I still felt like this is wrong and that this shouldn’t be happening right now. I wasn’t doing this because I wanted to; I was doing this to prove a point.

I tried to push my thoughts away, to focus on the moment and try to enjoy it with the man that loved me, but I couldn’t, not really. I watched his face as it changed with the pleasure he was feeling, it was so easy for him. I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath, shoving all emotions and feelings to the side, trying to focus on the pleasure. When I opened my eyes again, everything was different, I focused on what my body was telling me, and that was amazing.
I looked him in the eyes and brought my face up to meet his, giving him a deep and passionate kiss. I felt pleasure sweep throughout my body, no longer being a thing to ignore, more of a thing to embrace. One thrust later, had me moaning out loudly and arching my back. I brought one leg up and hooked it around his waist, then bringing up the next, giving him more access.

“Harder, Mattie,” I moaned out in pleasure and he immediately met my demand. With each thrust, came a loud moan, getting louder each time as I felt the pleasure increase almost to the point where I was ready to burst. “I’m so so close, Mattie!” I screamed out, unable to contain myself.

“Fuck,” he moaned out repeatedly as his thrusts began getting sloppier.

“MATT!” I screamed out in pure ecstasy as he hit my little bundle of nerves over and over again. I could feel my orgasm coming and when he nearly pulled all the way out, and slammed back into me, I couldn’t control myself any longer as I screamed out his name as we rode out our orgasms together.

He collapsed down beside me and when I turned my back on him, he wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me back so my back was against his chest. I tried to enjoy the moment, but I couldn’t stop the tear that fell down my cheek as all the thoughts and more came rushing back to me.

What am I doing? I’m 16 and he’s nearly 30, why did I sleep with him? There are so many things wrong here. Thoughts like this and many more swam through my mind, and everything I thought of, the word slut came bouncing through, reminding me of just how pathetic I am.