He didn’t come back after that, I lay in my bed alone, of course I wasn’t really alone, you could never be alone when you had nurses checking on you every four hours, waking you up in the middle of the night. I didn’t get any more visitors and I couldn’t help but feel lonely. In the past few months, I had always been surrounded by people, they almost always had a watchful eye on me, you tend to get used to having people around you all the time, even if you didn’t like the people that were around you.

When I was woken up by the same burly nurse that restrained me two days ago, I got so frustrated that I just wanted to leave and go home, not to the place I had been living in for the last three months, I wanted to go back to Canada, even if it meant that I had to listen to my parents fight day and night, I would even go to that facility that my parents had wanted to send me to, I would do anything to get away and when I saw the nurse come in at 8 AM, I saw the perfect opportunity.

“Please, let me go home,” I begged him, sorrow and despair filled my eyes.

“Don’t worry Miss, you’ll be discharged later today,” he told me, patting me on the shoulder.

“No, you don’t understand, that’s not my home, they took me away from my home, they kidnapped me,” I explained to him, choking on my words, stuttering as they came out just as a tear slipped down my cheek.

“Well that’s where you’re going to go tonight,” he told me firmly, crossing his arms before handing me a little paper cup filled with a variety of multicoloured pills.

“I don’t, I don’t understand,” I sobbed a little more before I was cut off before I could get anything else out.

“That’s enough Holly,” Brian shouted at me before turning to the nurse. “You can go now,” he told him, “Get out!” he screamed at him, slamming the door before him. “Now, what exactly do you think you’re doing?” he demanded. “We’ve paid a lot of money to keep you hidden from the world while you’ve been here and opening your fat mouth isn’t helping.”

“What?” I asked him, not quite grasping what he was telling me.

“What don’t you understand? We paid them off! We’ve come this far, there’s no way we’re going to letting your fucking teenage depression bullshit take you away from us. No matter how hard you try, you will never get away from us, no matter how many times you try to kill yourself, we will be right there to bring you back to life, you aren’t getting off that easy. When we want you dead, that’s when you’ll die, and not a second before that. Now get dressed, we’re going home,” he said, throwing some clothes my way.

“No, I’m not going anywhere with you,” I said, crossing my arms and staying put.

“Look kid, I know you feel all high and mighty, but we have a lot of connections that we wouldn’t even think about, so if I need to drag you kicking and screaming out of this god damn hospital, I will,” his eyes told me that he wasn’t lying, but I didn’t care right now, I didn’t want to go anywhere with this man. “Now get dressed.”

“What part of no don’t you understand? I don’t want to go anywhere with you, you’re a fucking monster, why can’t you just leave me alone?” I cried to him.

“Because you were chosen, you were handpicked and Jimmy didn’t go to all that trouble for nothing.” At the mention of Jimmy’s name, my ears picked up.

“What? What are you talking about?” I asked him, intensely curious.

“Oh you didn’t know?” He asked my, eyebrow cocked.

“Didn’t know what?”

“Well, that friend of yours back at the house, well he was the lead in getting you here. He staked out your town, saw you, followed you around, hell, he was the one that fucking grabbed you,” Brian laughed.

“No, you’re lying, he wouldn’t do that,” I said as more tears welled up in my eyes when I heard this news, even though I wished I could believe that he was lying, but I just couldn’t, I knew that deep down it was true.

“Awe, now Peanut, you know I wouldn’t lie about something as wonderful as the capture of you,” he said, brushing away a tear with the pad of his thumb before patting my cheek and telling me one final time to get dressed, which I reluctantly did. I shuffled through the halls lazily, dragging my feet, staring at the ground and following behind Brian at a good distance. “Oh fuck, will you hurry up? I don’t have all day!” He huffed before grabbing one of my wrists and pulling on it harshly making my scream out in pain as my stitches were pulled on it.

“Stop, just leave me be, please!” I cried out, digging my bare feet into the linoleum floor and pulling back on my arm, trying to get away from him, ignoring the white, hot pain that was shooting up my arm.

“Will you just fucking behave? For once in your tiny, insignificant life, just fucking listen to orders!” He screamed, stepping closer to me. I felt his hot breath hit my face and when I looked into his eyes; they were almost entirely black, clouded with rage.

“Okay,” I whispered back, shifting my gaze down to the floor. I led me through the hospital, and directly into an idle SUV, ready to speed off as soon as we got in. When we started driving, I laid my head against the cool window and closed my eyes to sleep. I was barely awake and too dejected from reality to care enough. I just stared into Matt’s caring and hurt eyes as he leaned over me and unbuckled my seat belt. He placed a gentle kiss on my forehead before he lifted me up into his arms and carried me into the house. When he laid me down in his room, I grabbed onto his shirt and begged him to stay with me.

“Please, don’t leave me, just stay and lay here with me, I don’t want to be alone,” I cried to him. He wrapped his arms around me, laid my head down on his chest and let me cry, my tears soaking his shirt. He stroked my hair and whispered that everything was going to be alright, that I didn’t have to worry about anything anymore, but that only made me cry harder. I hadn’t meant to be such an emotional wreck, but I couldn’t help myself.

“Why? Why didn’t you just let me die? I want to be gone, so bad, why didn’t you leave me there?” I whispered to him. For a long time I never received an answer, he just fiddled him my hair and tucked me in. It wasn’t until I was nearly asleep that I finally got it.

“Because I love you,” he whispered back, most likely thinking that I was already asleep, placing a kiss on the top of my head before unraveling himself from me and leaving me, all alone once again.

When I woke up the next day, I wasn’t in his room anymore; I was in mine, though there were some changes that I noticed right away, one, I had no door, the only door was the one for my bathroom and that had a new handle on it, they most likely changed it to get rid of the lock; second, almost everything was back the way it used to be, except there was no longer a bookshelf, in fact, there were no books at all. I looked down at my wrists and saw that the gauze had been changed, I never got to see what it looked like, I know I was supposed to leave them be, but curiosity got the best of me. I slowly unraveled them and saw five bright blue stitches holding my skin together. Underneath the stitches was a long, bloody gash running from one side of my wrist to the other. Upon looking at it, I couldn’t believe that I could cause this much damage to myself, though that didn’t make me regret it. I’m such a fucking failure, I can’t even manage to kill myself correctly.

I got up from the bed and walked over to the desk on the other side of the room. On it, was a small paper cup containing the medication that I “needed” to take, though I felt entirely different about the whole thing, I never really got along well with people prescribing me medication, I never really thought I needed any of it. The next thing I saw on the desk was a leather bound journal with a note tapped onto it.

If you won’t tell me what’s going through your pretty little mind, at least write it down. Don’t keep it locked up. ~Matt

There were some things that nobody could help me with, so what was the point of writing it down? I dumped the pills into my hand and investigated them, turning them over in my hand. There was two small pink ones, one large white one, and one large blue one, I didn’t even know what any of these did and I was not going to take anything mysterious. I just dumped them back into the cup and walked into the bathroom. The mirror was fixed, the tiles were free of any blood and everything was exactly where it was supposed to be. The shower was free of any razor, the drawers of any nail files, scissors, clippers and safety pins; there wasn’t a pointy or sharp item in sight, nothing that could do any damage. The closet had even been changed from metal hangers to thick large ones. I guess someone just wanted to be careful. When I opened the dresser drawers, I saw everything was in place, each drawer had its’ item, bras, panties, sex toys, and the drawer that I had emptied was now filled with new lingerie, these items even skimpier than the last. I snorted in disgust and slammed the drawer shut.

“You know, if you didn’t always pick fights and just did as you were told every once and a while, we wouldn’t have to be so hard on you, you could even learn to like it here like all the other girls.” Johnny said from his spot in the door way.

“What happened to my door?” I asked him from my sitting position on the closet floor, my back towards him, playing with the soft fabrics of the hanging clothes.

“Well we’ve all kind of decided that we don’t trust you enough to have a door, we don’t know what else you’re planning and we don’t want you to get hurt again. You’ll get it back eventually, when you’re better.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me, I don’t need to get better, there’s nothing to fix,” I said, shaking my head.

“Yeah, well everyone else disagrees. There have also been some new rules set in place for you, you aren’t allowed to see the rest of the girls,” he was about to say another rule when I cut him off.

“What? Why?”

“You’re a negative influence and we don’t need you fucking up the progress we’ve made with them, the last thing we need is a rebellion. Now, you are only allowed to go to certain places in the house, you can go to any of our rooms; the library; Matt’s office, only if asked; the kitchen and of course, the common areas. You aren’t allowed in the hallway with the girls, and you aren’t allowed to use the gym anymore.” He told me, his voice indicating that these rules were not to be fucked with.

“I don’t use the gym, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, trying to deter him.

“We know that you used to use it every night after we went to bed. You may not know this, but there are cameras everywhere in the house except the bedrooms and bathrooms, well, now there’s one in here too. They are constantly being watched, we would see in the morning working out of two three hours a night without stopping. That’s not healthy and we’re putting a stop to all of it.”

“So what, I’m just going to be watched 24/ 7? Don’t I get any privacy?”

“Well, you seem to have abused our leniency towards you, you took advantage of us and now you have to pay the consequences. Last time you had privacy you tried to commit suicide, I think we’ve established that you don’t exactly deserve any privacy.”

“I don’t need your help,”’ I shook my head, picking at the stitches a little.

“You may think that, but it’s not true. By the way, Matt’s coming here soon, if he sees that you haven’t taken the meds, he’ll flip, not to mention how mad he’ll be that you’re picking. Don’t forget, we’re always watching.” He told me before leaving the room. I didn’t even bother moving, I didn’t try to re- bandage my wrists and I didn’t take my pills, if he was going to get mad, then let him, what did I have to lose?

I heard him coming before I saw him. “Hey, what are you doing?” he asked me, making me shrug in response. “What’s wrong?” he asked me, coming to sit in front of me in the closet. He took my hands in his and brought them up to his mouth, kissing each cut gently.

“Please, just leave me alone,” I whispered, desperately wanting to be anywhere but here right now. I couldn’t bear to look at him; I didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes, that would just kill me.

“Come on, don’t be like that babe, and don’t treat me like I’m the bad guy here, I’m just trying to help,” he said, holding my hands a little tighter.

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you,” I said harshly, turning my head to the side. Immediately he dropped my hands, I didn’t have to see him to know that that had been a low blow. He got up off the floor and stalked over to the desk, coming back to me, kneeling down and holding his hand out in front of my face with the pills in them.

“I’m tired of you acting like this, take the pills,” he said, thrusting them closer to my mouth, holding a glass of water in the other hand.

“No, I’m not taking anything I don’t know,” I said firmly.

“One vitamin, one pain killer, and two for depression, now take them.”

“I don’t need any of those; I’m not going to take something I don’t need.”

“God dammit Holly! Why do you have to be so fucking difficult all the time?” he screamed at me, standing up, though I didn’t even flinch at the harshness. “Don’t you see that we’re just trying to help you? We don’t like seeing you like this, hell Jimmy hasn’t fucking left his room since you left. You need help, whether you want to admit that or not. Now I’m not going to ask again, will you please take the pills?” He asked, calming down a little at the end. I stood up in front of him and held out my hand, not saying a word. I could see the achievement in his eyes as he handed them over to me, thinking I was going to take them, though I shocked him when I turned on my heel and marched into the bathroom, flushing them down the toilet. I watched them swirl around in the water, some starting to break down, and then I turned around and stared at him with my arms crossed. The expression on his face could only be defined in one way, it was pure rage. “Fine, whatever, be depressed, see if I fucking care!” he huffed out as he stormed from the room.

I don’t know what had gotten in to me, actually I do, and it was the depression that was turning me into an ungrateful bitch. I was stubborn, uncontrollable, defiant, mouthy, and difficult, though I hadn’t always been like this. I knew I cared for Matt, I knew I liked him in a way that you should never like your kidnapper, but I couldn’t bring myself to be any nicer to him.

I had just crawled back into bed when someone else decided to pay me a visit. “Well, well, well, looks like Kitty’s come back to play.” Zacky laughed, entering my bedroom.

“Go away, Zacky.” I mumbled from under the blankets.

“Now come on, Kitty, don’t be like that.” He said as he sat down on my bed, lying down beside me and pulling the duvet down I bit so he could look at me. I glared at him from under the blankets but all that did was make him laugh. “You’re so cute when you want to be left alone!” He said in a sickly sweet voice.

“What do you want, Zacky?” I asked, just trying to get him to go away.

“Nothing, I just wanted to come and say hi to my favourite girl in the house!”

“Yeah, good one,” I snorted out a laugh. “Why are you really here?”

“I just came to see if you maybe wanted to have a little fun,” he smirked at me, wiggling his eyebrows.

“No, now piss of,” I grunted before throwing the blanket back over my face.

“Fine, but you don’t know what you don’t what you’re missing,” he trailed off which made me laugh a little.

“Actually, I do, and it’s not much,” I retorted.

“Bitch,” he muttered before he left the room, leaving me in place. I stayed under the blankets until the air got thick and hot. When I lifted the blanket, my face was blasted with cool air, making me take in one big, refreshing breath. I guess I had fallen asleep because the room was now dark, I could barely make out anything. Through the window I could see the bright moon and the golden stars twinkling in the distance. I walked over to the window and pressed my palm against the glass, letting out a sigh. I wished I could be outside right now, lying on a blanket under the sky, watching the sun come up. Someone came up behind me and hugging my waist. I guess he had forgiven me after our last encounter.

“You’ve had a rough week, why don’t you go lie down?” he whispered in my ear, leading me back towards my bed.

“I’m not really tired,” I said, shaking my head.

“Yeah, neither am I,” he grinned devilishly at me. He laid me down and laid next to me, propping his head up on his shoulder and looking at me. I turned my head to look at him and watched as he studied me.

“What are you doing?” I asked him, speaking my mind.

“You are a curiosity to me. I look into your eyes and see that they hold back so many things, they hold so many secrets that you keep hidden from the rest of the world. You make me think and you make me feel like no one has made me feel before. You’re different, I like to watch you sometimes.” His words were so heartfelt that it made me blush, burying my face in the mattress.

“Well stop, it makes me nervous.” I giggled, pulling the blanket up and over my head.

“Awe, Honey, everything makes you nervous,” he laughed. “Come on, just look at me.” When I didn’t flip over onto my back, he draped an arm over my waist and began to tickle me, making me squirm and laugh out loud and he wouldn’t stop until I flipped over.

“Stop it!” I cried out, laughing uncontrollably. I pried his hands off of me and crawled on top of him, tickling him, making him laugh. “You know, you’re surprisingly ticklish for a fully grown man.” I smirked down at him, though this only lasted for a little while, before he intertwined our fingers, staring into each others eyes. His deep eyes gave me butterflies and made me bite my lip nervously.

“God, you’re so sexy, you drive me up the wall when you bite your lip like that,” he told me, shifting his eyes from my eyes to my lips. He sat up and wrapped his hands around my neck, pressing his lips against mine passionately. I was sitting in his lap with my legs on either side of his waist, my arms were wrapped around his neck and I was so wrapped up in the kiss that I didn’t want to stop. He pulled away first and pressed his forehead against mine, breathing in deeply. “You have to promise that you’re going to try to get better.” He told me, pleading with me.
I couldn’t even look him in the eyes, I knew that he was waiting for my answer, but I just couldn’t give me one. I wanted to say no, that I was fine, I was fine the way I was and I didn’t want to change, but I knew that answer wasn’t acceptable, so what was I supposed to say? No? I don’t even think that was an option.

“Holly, look at me,” he demanded, taking my face in his hands and forcing my gaze upwards.

“You have to promise that you’re going to get better. I need you better. I need you to start eating, I need you to stop working off all the calories you never ate, I need to you to start telling me what’s going through your mind, I need you to talk to me whenever you get the urge to hurt yourself. Please, I need you to get better,” he pleaded with me, his eyes glazing over and tears filling them, threatening to spill over, it broke my heart to see him like this and I found myself lying through my teeth to make him feel better.

“I’ll try my best,” I nodded, making him smile, though secretly knowing that I most likely wouldn’t try at all. I never tried to do anything unless I was forced, I was stubborn and I didn’t give a fuck.

“Thank you,” he whispered to me before connecting my lips to his one final time. He laid me down on the bed and wrapped his arms around me, whispering sweet things into my ear as I fell asleep.

“You are good, you are kind, and you are important.” He whispered into my ear before nuzzling his head into my neck and falling asleep.

I stretched when I awoke the next morning, surprised to see that Matt was still lying beside me, watching me with a grin plastered on his face. “What are you looking smiling about?” I asked him.

“Nothing,” he said, leaning down and kisses me again before getting up, out of bed, fully dressed.

“Wait, why are you dressed?” I asked him, he wasn’t wearing that when we had gone to bed.

“Well, I’ve been up for like two hours, waiting for you to wake up,” he shrugged, throwing a shirt on. “I just decided that I didn’t want you to be lonely, so I came to lie back down with you,” he shrugged again as if it was no big deal, even though it was probably one of the sweetest things anyone had ever done for me. “Here, bottom’s up,” he said, handing me a little paper cup with my daily dose of crazy pills. He stared at me expectantly as I stared down into the cup. He stared at me a little more before I reluctantly brought the cup and swallowed everything that was inside it, instantly regretting it.

I found that when I took my pills frequently and regularly, I didn’t care that I took them, it wasn’t such a job for me, but getting started was when the problems really showed up. If I stopped taking them I found I couldn’t get into the routine of it, I didn’t want to take them and I really hated having to.

“Come on, let’s go get you something to eat,” he said as he took me by the hand and lead me out of the room, down to the kitchen where everyone was already sitting.

“Well look who’s finally up,” Brian laughed, walking past me. I refused to look at him though, not after everything that had happened at the hospital yesterday.

“So, what do you want to eat?” Matt asked me, leading me over to the fridge. “We can have anything you want, pancakes? (Two pancakes, with butter and syrup= 520) French toast?(356) Fried eggs?(90)” He asked me hopefully.

“Um, I think I’m okay with just an apple (67)” I said, reaching in a grabbing a small red one
from the bottom shelf. His face fell a bit as I said this, but what did he expect?

“Come on, you have to eat more than an apple,” he told me.

“I’m not hungry,” I told him, that wasn’t entirely a lie, I was too hungry to eat, my stomach had that empty feeling that I loved.

“At least have a protein shake,” he suggested, holding a small bottle filled with the chocolate liquid (212). (212+ 67= 279= not going to happen)

“No thanks, I’m good,” I shook my head at him, though he still stared down at me. Not wanting him to look at me like that anymore, I turned around and went to sit down at the table, beside Johnny, taking a big bit of the apple, letting its’ sweet juices fill my mouth. I watched as Matt shuffled around the kitchen, fixing his own breakfast before setting his plate down across from me and sitting down. I eyed his plate hungrily, wanting nothing more than to take a big mouthful of his scrambled eggs (102) but I knew I would hate myself if I even got close to actually acting on that thought. So instead, I took another bite of my apple and told myself that this was better for me, that this was better than any plate of eggs.

I guess he caught me looking when he finally spoke up, “Do you want a bite?” he asked me, cocking an eyebrow.

Yes!! “No, I’m fine,” I said, looking back down at my eaten apple core that was resting on
the table. He didn’t take his eyes off of me once while he shovelled more and more food into his mouth, staring at me skeptically, not believing for one second that I didn’t want some of those eggs. An apple a day keeps the doctor a day, and that’s exactly what I was planning on happening.

“So what are you going to do today?” Matt asked me, taking my hand over the table.

“I don’t know, probably the same as every day,” I said she shrugging.

“Okay, well if you need me, I’ll be in my office,” he said, promptly getting up and leaving the kitchen. What does he do in there all day? Is that where he is all day? I never see him during the day, how odd.

“What does he do in there every day?” I asked no one in particular.

“Let’s just say he’s taking care of business, nothing you need to worry about Dollface,” Brian said, smirking at me. There was something in his tone that told me that I wouldn’t like what he was doing, which made me even more intrigued.

“Okay, well I’m going to the library,” I said as I got up from the table, I was about to turn away when Brian’s arm shot out and stopped me.

“Don’t go sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong, Holly, you won’t like what you find,” I stared at all the men at the table, all glaring at me indicating just how serious they really are.

“I’m not,” I told them, once again lying, this seemed to be a new hobby of mine.