“Get a room!” Brian shouted at us, which promptly led to Matt giving him the finger. I looked back down at my lap as I felt a blush creep along my face to which the guys hooped and hollered for embarrassing me, I will never understand guys.

“Come on,” Matt said, taking my hand and leading us from the room.

“Go get him, Tiger!” Brian shouted as I left the room, smacking my ass, which made me turn around and glare at him.

He led me up the stairs and surprised me when we didn’t go back to his room, rather to mine. When he closed the door, he wasted no time in attaching his lips to mine, lifting me up and wrapping my legs around his waist. He brought us over to the bed and sat down, with me straddling him. I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck, deepening the kiss. I thought we were just going to make out, how naive can I be?

I quickly noticed my mistake when he flipped us over and laid me beneath him. His hands travelled down my stomach, pas my navel and stopped at the top of my shorts, his fingers playing with the drawstring a bit before untying it, instantly making them a lot looser, my heart was beating a thousand miles a minute as he hooked his thumb under the hem, pulling them down slightly before I had the chance to stop him.

“Stop,” I said to him, my breathing hitching in my throat as I pulled away from him. “I’m sorry,” I whispered to him as I sat up, seeing that he was clearly frustrated, I could tell that he’d never waited this long before sleeping with a girl.

“It’s fine,” he huffed out, wiping a hand across his forehead, standing up off the bed. “I just, uh, I gotta go take care of something anyways,” he said as he got up, fixing himself slightly, I could clearly see that he was turned on as he turned on his heel and left my room, leaving me sitting up against the head board. I couldn’t help the feeling of guilt that was swelling up in me, why couldn’t I do this? It’s not like this would be my first time, hell, I did it with Zacky, why can’t I do it with Matt, someone I actually cared about?

After sitting in my room with my knees tucked up under my chin, I decided that I wouldn’t let this ruin my day, I wanted to break my routine, do something different. I got up and walked into my bathroom, turning on the water, adjusting it to the right temperature before stripping of my clothing and jumping in. When I was finished, I got out and wrapped a big, fluffy towel around myself, walking into my closet to pick out what I was going to wear. I quickly found a pair of underwear and bra to put on before looking through all of my clothes. Usually, I just wore shorts and a sweater around the house, but today, I decided to dress up a bit because I was going to see if Jimmy would take me out. I thumbed through all of the hanging dresses before settling on a light blue striped one, considering it was March, I decided to through a light sweater on top it, it may be California, but it could still get chilly outside. Before I left my room, I put on a pair of ruffly socks and saddle shoes.

I skipped through the halls, looking for Jimmy’s room, but stopped dead in my tracks when I heard the melodic playing of someone at a piano, I didn’t even know they had a piano. I tiptoed up to the partially closed doorway and peaked in, to see Zacky sitting there, his fingers moving quickly across the keys. He didn’t have any sheet music and his eyes were closed, and I could tell that he was entranced in what he was doing. I knew I shouldn’t be snooping, considering I could probably get punished for this, but I couldn’t seem to stop. Who knew beautiful music could come from someone so vile.

“What are you doing?” Jimmy whispered in my ear, scaring me half to death.

“Oh my god,” I yelled out, jumping back and putting a hand over my beating heart.

“So, what were you doing just now?” he asked me, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, clearly amused at scaring me.

“I was, uh, looking for you,” I told him, trying to sound convincing, but he didn’t seem convinced.

“Pfft, yeah, okay, whatever you say, Kiddo.” Jimmy laughed out loud. I hadn’t even noticed that the music had stopped, but I figured it out when I felt a chest press against my back, making me jump to stand beside Jimmy quickly. “Wow, you’re jumpy today!” He exclaimed, draping an arm over my shoulders.

“What are you guys doing out here?” Zacky asked us, looking at us suspiciously.

“Well, I caught Holly pea...” But I cut him off by elbowing him in the ribs before he could finish that sentence.

“Nothing, nothing at all,” I said shrugging my shoulders as best I could with Jimmy’s arm over them.

“Whatever,” Zacky scoffed before walking back into the room and slamming the door shut.

“Wow, someone’s touchy.”

“Nah, he’s just mad cause you chose Matt over him.”

“Yeah, okay,” I scoffed.

“So what brings you to my neck of the woods, kid?” Jimmy asked me, leading my down the hallway.

“Well, I came to see if you wanted to do something.” I told him, hopeful that he would say yes to taking me out.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know...” I trailed off.

“Well, we could go to the fair down by the dock,” he suggested.

“Yeah! I wanna go to the fair!” I shouted at him, I hadn’t been to a fair since I was a little kid.

“Okay, just let me get my keys.” He said, walking into his room and quickly coming out of it, jingling a pair of keys in my face. “Let’s hit the road,” I smiled down at me. It didn’t take us long to get there, and before he knew it, we were waiting in line to go on all the rides, laughing without a care in the world.

It had been a perfect day, nothing had gone wrong, he sun was shining and there wasn’t a single cloud in sight. We were waiting in line to get calorie- free, sugar- loaded cotton candy when things started going wrong. We were standing and people watching, making up what people were saying when I middle – aged blonde woman stopped a few feet away and looked at us curiously. I don’t think Jimmy noticed, and at first, I just brushed it off as nothing, maybe she just recognized him from the band, that’s happened a lot today, but when she came up to us, that’s when I knew something was wrong. She came up to me and embraced me in a hug, taking me out of Jimmy’s grasp.

“At first, I couldn’t place where I knew you from, but now I do, you’re that girl Holly that’s been missing the a few months.” My eyes widened as she pulled me away from Jimmy as he stared back at me, unsure of what to do.

“No I’m not; I don’t know what you’re talking about. My name is, um, Crimsin, I don’t know what you’re talking about, let me go.” I cried at her, trying to wrench my hand out of her grasp.

“It’s okay sweetheart, I’ll get you somewhere safe,” she said, trying t pull me further and further away from Jimmy.

“Let me go!” I yelled at her, trying to keep my voice down, as to not gain the attention of the patrolling cops that have been wandering around all day. I tried again to get m hand back, but it only worked when Jimmy ran up to us and pushed her back, making her fall to the floor. He quickly grabbed my hand in his and started to run with my trying desperately to keep up with him.

“SOMEBODY STOP THAT MAN!” She cried out, gaining everyone’s attention, pointing to Jimmy as we ran away. The next time I looked back, we were being chased by four cops, and they were catching up to us. When I wasn’t looking, I tripped on a piece of wiring that had been laid down to control the rides. I was splayed out, on the concrete when they caught up to us. One cop caught up to us and pulled me up and tried to pull me in the opposite direction as another cop had a gun pointed at Jimmy’s chest.

Instinctually, I swung out and connected my fist with his nose, making his blood spray everywhere, including on me. He immediately let go of me and his wailing in pain distracted the op with the gun, giving us the perfect opportunity to get away. We ran faster than last time, and in no time we were back in tinted window SUV, speeding down the highway.

“I swear to god, I did not plan for this to happen, Jimmy, you have to believe me!” I pleaded with him, both of us panting, trying to catch our breath.

“I know, this wasn’t your fault. I’m so fucking stupid! I can’t I took you out so closely after t last sighting! Matt’s going to kill me!” He shouted out in frustration, banging on the steering wheel.
Neither of us said a word as we drove back to the house, we both knew we were in for a shit load of trouble when we got back, and as soon as we walked in the front doors.

“Where the fuck did you guys go?” Matt’s voice boomed, though it was no longer Matt speaking, it was Shadows; you could see it in his eyes.

“Relax man; we just went to the carnival down by the pier.” Jimmy said, putting his hands up in defense.

“And, what exactly, is all over her? Care to explain why there’s blood all over her?” Shadows screamed at him, looking into his eyes scared me; there was only cold, black anger in them.

“It’s just a little blood; it could be a lot worse.” Jimmy explained, unwavering, not even flinching as he got screamed at.

“What happened?” Shadows said after taking a deep breath.

“Well, someone recognized her and tried to take her away, when neither of us let that happen, she alerted some nearby cops.” He said it as if it was nothing, as if I didn’t have somebody else’s blood all over my hands, face, and clothing, but I guess these men were used to this sort of thing. After Jimmy explained everything that had happened, he let out an animalistic roar that echoed throughout the entire house. Before I knew what was happening, Shadows had swung out at Jimmy, hitting him squarely in the jaw.

“Stop, it’s not his fault! Don’t blame him!” I screamed at him, walking over and placing a gentle, seemingly calm hand on his upper arm, which he immediately shrugged off, pushing me down to the ground.

“Get upstairs, I’ll deal with you later,” he seethed down at me as I stared up at him in horror and fear. When I didn’t get up quickly enough, he bent down and forcefully pulled me up, most likely bruising my arm in the process. “I SAID GET UPSTAIRS!” He screamed at me, I immediately scrambled up off the floor and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time and before I knew it, I was in my room, sitting with my knees pulled up to my chin with my back against the locked door. When I had finally bitten back the tears that were threatening to fall, I stood up on shaky knees, double checking the lock on the door before wobbling into the bathroom to shower off all the blood.

I striped off all of my blood stained clothing, throwing them directly in the trash, even my bra, underwear, socks, and shoes, they all went in the trash, I didn’t want to remember anything about this day, I just wanted it to be over. Before I climbed into the shower, I walked over to the bathroom door and shut it, locking it just for good measure. It didn’t take long after the hot water had started cascading down my body that my walls melted and I broke down into a fit of sobs. I sank down to the bottom and just curled into a ball, letting the tears fall freely as I watched the water slowly turn from pink to clear again. When I had finally calmed down, I stood up and washed my hair, when I took my fingers away, I noticed that the suds too, were red, I hadn’t even noticed that my hair had been slightly caked with blood. I washed by body thoroughly, then scrubbing myself head to toe with body scrub, then I washed my hair one more time before finally applying the conditioner. By the time I had gotten out, the water had started to run cold.

When I walked out into the bedroom, I was surprised to see that I was still alone, which left me alone with my thoughts because I knew that if I took even as much as one step out of my room, there would be hell to pay. I had seen that side of him before, but only once, he had only been that angry with me once before, and that was the day of the concert.

God, I was so fucking stupid! Why couldn’t I just go with that woman? I couldn’t even escape properly, god, what’s wrong with me? How sick could I be to want to actually stay with the men that took me away from my entire life? I fell asleep thinking a variety of thoughts like these.

When I woke up, I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to move a single message, I just wanted to lie in bed all day and cry. I wanted to hide my ugly face from the world; I didn’t want to see a single ray of sunshine. When I saw the note lying there on the pillow beside me, I knew I couldn’t do any such thing.

Get up, get dressed, and meet me in my office, right beside my bedroom, at 11:00, don’t be late.
-- Shadows

When I looked over at the clock, it was already 11:37, so I didn’t really see much point in going now. If I’m going to be late, why go at all, either way I’m going to be in a lot more trouble than I was already in. Sticking with that mentality, I crawled even further under my blankets and buried myself in them, blocking out all light and curling up into a little ball, falling asleep for the rest of the afternoon.

I knew I was depressed, ever since I started high school I could feel it in my mind. There was always this black cloud looming over head, darkening my thoughts, turning them against me. I never saw a point in telling anyone, they wouldn’t care anyways. My parents were too wrapped up in their fighting to notice that their only daughter was dying slowly inside, but they were brought to a rude awakening when my mother came home early one afternoon to find me lying in a bathtub full of warm water with my wrists slit open wide. Since then, I went to therapy where I didn’t really do much sharing of thoughts and took my medication daily, under the close supervision of my mother who had a slight OCD complex about them, making sure I took them with a glass of milk, every day at the exact same time to maximize their abilities. When they found that the medication they had given me weren’t exactly working as well as they had hoped, (they found my food diary), they switched my pills and upped he dosage. One pill with a big glass of pure white fat (milk) twice daily now, straight when I got up and right before I went to bed.
Before they had upped my meds, I had had plenty of days like this, days where I didn’t feel worthy to be walking away, and it was on a day like this that I had decided to end it all the first time. I wanted desperately to do it now, split my wrists open and let the red hot life drain out of my veins, but I couldn’t find the energy in me to move, all I wanted to do was sleep, and that is all I did.

When night time finally rolled around, I was brought to a rude awakening. The slamming of my door made my eyes snap open, and the shaking of the floor indicating how hard he had slammed it made me tuck the blankets in closer around my small frame, though that was no match for him when he ripped them off of me and threw it against the other side of the room.

“You dirty, conniving, bitch, when I tell you to be somewhere at a specific time, you be there, you do not, under any fucking circumstances, make me wait 12 fucking hours for you. You got that, slut? LOOK AT ME!” he screamed when I squeezed my eyes shut and wished him away. This time, without hesitation, I turned my head and looked him straight in the eyes, trying to make him think that I wasn’t scared of him.

“What was I going to do? Walk into your office and get slapped around? No thank you, I’d rather take my chances here.” I shook my head at him; I could see the black in his eyes slowly turn into hazel as hurt sunk into them, though I didn’t care right now.

“I wasn’t going to hit you.” He said, shaking his head at me, as if disappointed that I would even make that assumption.

“Oh yeah, like you’ve never done it before, right? Does it make you feel like a man when you slap me around? Is that it, do you feel masculine when you see some innocent 16 year old girl quivering underneath you, because to me, all that does is make you a disgusting excuse for a human being!” I shouted at him, even though he was calm right now, I was furious.

“What, does it make you feel like a woman when you shove your finger down your throat after every meal? Does it make you feel like a woman when you starve yourself, because to me, all that does is make you look like a pathetic, self- conscious, little girl,” he spat back at me, glaring at me angrily.

“How dare you use that against me,” I said to him, my voice dripping with hurt as I stalked over to him and slapped him hard, I slapped him so hard that my hand was radiating with pain. After I had gotten out all of my anger, I shut my brain down; I turned myself off to protect myself from anything else he might say to me.

“If you hit me one more time...” He trailed off, to sound menacing

“You’ll what? I have nothing left for you to take or do to me! What, are you going to steal my virginity, take me away from my entire life, and hit me so hard I black out for eight fucking days? Oh wait, you’ve already done all that, I guess you’ve done it all, congratulations, you’ve finally broken me.” I applauded him sarcastically though all I really wanted to do was break down and cry. I stood my ground and watched him leave my room without saying another single word to me.