Moving house was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I had packed up my things and my childhood memories from the house I was brought home to 18 years ago next month but packing up my mother’s and sister’s belongings that we still had was even harder. I cried for weeks when my dad told me we were moving from our home town to California into a brand new house to accommodate for his new live-in girlfriend and her daughter who I preferred to refer to as ‘spawn of Satan’. My dad’s girlfriend’s name was Marion and I hated her for many reasons; I hated her for making my father move on so soon from my mother, she was supposed to be my mother’s friend; I hated her because she judged me and tried to act like my mother and I especially hated her because she was taking advantage of my father’s money. Losing your wife and youngest daughter is supposed to be hard; you shouldn’t ever get over that! I know I won’t... the guilt will always eat away at me for the rest of my life.

12 June 2011

Daddy was away working on business and left my mother, my sister and I alone in the house for a week. It was gorgeous in the summer and I learned to drive the previous winter and although I didn’t have my own car, my mother asked if I wanted to drive the three of us to the Lake District, hundreds of miles away, to which of course I said yes. I loved driving and daddy told me that when I proved myself to him that he was going to buy me my own truck.

We left early in the morning to avoid traffic and make good time to our cabin in the woods. Leila, my sister who was 10 at the time, 6 years younger than me, was complaining because she was so tired and the aroma of coffee emitted from my mother. I was wide awake, for now and I couldn’t be more excited about driving all this way. I was going to make my father proud.

After driving for a few hours Leila shouted that she needed the bathroom and my mother wanted to buy some more snacks for the drive. I stopped at the next gas station and walked with Leila to the bathroom ‘round the back. After she was finished she ran back to the car and jumped in before I could get there. Locking the doors and refusing to let me inside.

“Leila May, open the goddamn doors!” I yelled at her as I slammed on the driver’s side window.
“Make me!” She retorted and stuck her tongue out at me.

“I swear to god I will make this vacation a living hell for you if you don’t open this fucking door right now!” I yelled with steam coming out my ears. I’d become tired all of a sudden and very, very cranky.

Reluctantly Leila unlocked the door and I climbed inside, slamming the door behind me and reaching to the back to grab a bottle of water to splash my face to wake myself up enough for the drive. I knew that driving tired was worse than driving drunk and I didn’t want to ask mum to drive since she would become uncomfortable with our new addition to the family growing inside of her.

“You didn’t have to yell, I was going to open them eventually.” She sighed turning away from me.
“Oh just shut up, you’re supposed to do what I tell you, when I tell you!” I yelled.

“Fine, I won’t speak the rest of the way there.” She huffed.

“Good.” I snapped “Sometimes I wish you were never born.” I whispered before hearing the hurt gasp escape from her mouth.

Once our mother got back into the car I got us back onto the road again, we were a few more hours away from our destination. Little did I know that that argument would be the last time I spoke to my sister and mother.

My mother was in the back of the car and Leila was dozing off in the passenger seat next to me. My mind started to wander.

I remember the day Leila was brought home from the hospital. My grandparents had been called to care for me when my mother went into labour. I couldn’t be more excited, although I was only six I couldn’t wait to be a big sister. I already loved this little baby so much. Mummy walked through the door with a little pink person wrapped in a little pink blanket. She was gurgling and reaching out, she was so tiny.
“Would you like to hold her?” My father asked. I nodded excitedly and my grandmother sat me back in the chair and positioned my little skinny arms correctly for the baby to be placed.
“This, is your baby sister, Leila…” My mother whispered to me as she placed our new tiny baby in my arms. She was gorgeous, she looked like my mum, she reached her hand out and grabbed a tiny handful of my hair, we bonded right there and I knew I would guard this angel with my life.

I must have dozed off thinking back to how good things were before Leila hit the brat stage.

“Bailey!” I heard my mother scream from the back of the car, I snapped my eyes open. I saw lights, bright lights. I tried to turn the car but it was too late. The end of the front bumper hit the stuck, sending us flying through the air. Everything went into slow motion. I closed my eyes and held my breath but when I opened for just a second, everyone was moving around inside the car. My mother and sister being thrown violently around the car; blood and glass everywhere. Everything stopped... I woke to the sound of sirens and people talking over each other. It took my eyes a minute to adjust and my head was still spinning as I took in everything around me, Leila was being pulled from the car and I hear someone shouting something about a time, I looked to the front of the car where the windshield was missing and my mother, was pinned between the bonnet of our car and a tree, limp, not moving… lifeless. This whole time I hadn’t taken in what was wrong with me, that’s when I looked down and screamed, the pain I was feeling was unbearable, I couldn’t stop screaming and crying but I couldn’t get out of the car.

“Bailey? Honey? Can you feel your legs?” A well-built fireman asked me from my side of the car.
“Yes I can feel my fucking legs! They’re fucking agony! GET ME OUT!” I screamed and cried.
“Okay darling, we’re nearly there, just hold really still for me, my friends are going to help me get you out and you’re going to hold onto me as tightly as you can okay?” He asked, his soothing voice was calming me down by the second.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt two other pairs of hand grab me as a drill started up, I knew they were cutting me from the wreck, with a loud crunch from the car I was pulled up and out, screaming in pain and crying into my saviours shoulder.

I was placed on a gurney and moved from the car to an ambulance but frantically looked around for any sight of Leila May and our mom when my eyes were drawn to two bloody sheets on the ground, I cried out loudly, sobbing uncontrollably, I didn’t care about the pain I was in anymore, I knew it was them and that’s when it hit me that I was a murderer, I killed two of the people I loved the most and right now all I wanted to do was join them.

I spent months in hospital recovering from my injuries, I had broken both of my legs in 7 places… each, and I had two cracked ribs, a broken nose, wrist and a severe concussion. Once that was all healed I was discharged and taken home, a month or so later I decided I wanted to go back to school, biggest mistake ever, everyone was staring at me, telling me they were sorry for my loss, asking how I was, if they weren’t talking to me they were whispering about me wherever I went. The school psychologist assessed me one day when I flipped and broke Jeremy Greene’s arm for looking at me the wrong way in Biology. After I told her how I felt about it, how people were acting around me, I was diagnosed with anxiety problems, put on medication and if I didn’t take them I didn’t have any control over my anger and could do some serious damage to someone or myself.

Two months later, another broken arm and a cracked nose to two girls who whispered something about me being a murderer, dad dropped the bomb on me that he had been seeing Marion since I got out of hospital and that she suggested we move away from Wisconsin and into California, Huntington Beach, of course I didn’t get a say, I’d been transferred schools and the house was sold and a new one bought. A week later, we moved.

With a groan I pulled myself from my bed which was covered by my newly bought sheets. My bare feet padded across my carpet through my room which was filled with unpacked boxes and some unpacked things. Forgetting this wasn’t the bedroom I knew like the back of my hand I smacked my hip on the corner of my new computer desk and mumbled some curse words to myself.

My bathroom still smelled new and the mirror on my wall still had the protective cover on it which I peeled off with excitement which soon faded when I saw my reflection in the mirror. My mascara from last night was running down my cheeks from crying in my sleep again, the handprint on my face looked even worse than the morning before from when Marion slapped me for ‘being a bitch about moving’ although, we hadn’t just moved house, which I reminded her, we were moving across the fucking country from Wisconsin to California, Huntington Beach. As I glanced at the small digital clock beside the sink I remembered that today is my first day at Huntington High, it’s the middle of the semester which means school is already in session, people have their friends and the classes have started their courses. Meaning I wouldn’t have any friends and I would have to start the courses from the beginning, alone. Surely a cold shower would take my mind off of things for the time being.

My dirty blond hair was tied in a messy, tousled pony tail from my restless night, swearing and hissing I managed to untangle the hair tie from my hair allowing the chocolate locks to fall to my waist. I decided natural hair and dark makeup for today since I was tired and having such long hair could be such a pain in the ass I begun to brush my hair, tangling the brush in it occasionally. Once I was pleased with my hair I started my makeup, thick eyeliner, dark smoky eye shadow, a touch of foundation to cover the hand print and some blush so I didn’t look like death warmed up.

I dressed in a Guns N Roses tee which I had ripped the sleeves from and cut the sides to reveal the side of my bra and some of my side. Black skinny jeans hugged my legs and red vans on my feet. I slipped my iPhone into my pocket and ran downstairs.

“Mornin’ angel, ready for your first day?” Dad asked me as I ran into the kitchen to see him making a pot of coffee in pyjama pants.

“I guess so, I’m just not happy about being the new kid who joins in the middle of a semester.” I replied with a chuckle and shoved a slice of toast between my teeth.

“Marion made you lunch, it’s the bag with your name on it.” Dad smiled pointing to the counter beside the fridge.

“Tell her thanks, I look forward to eating it.” I said sarcastically while peeking inside the bag and scrunching up my face.

“Get going, before you’re late.” He said, shoving my arm and handing me a can of Monster.

I ran down the path from our ridiculously large house and over the grass to the drive way where my white and faded blue truck was sitting. Of course my dad never did buy me a truck, I had to save up from working my ass of and buy it with my own money, which gave me a sense of pride so I didn’t mind much. It was a bit of a heap but it was mine. I slung my back pack into the passenger seat and climbed in, pulling out of the drive and tooting the horn at my dad who was standing at the front door drinking his coffee, he waved me off and I laughed to myself. Sometimes I wish it was just me and dad now that mom and Leila weren’t here, I would bring them back in a heartbeat if I could but I can’t, I took them away and I can never bring them back.

Pulling into the school parking lot my truck and its noise got a lot of attention, unwanted attention and I hate being stared at, the anxiety was already kicking in. I can never control my temper so people at my last school knew not to mess with me, but at this school I was going to have to start all over again and warn people off, that was at the bottom of my to do list.

The school reception smelled sterile to say the least which was surprising for somewhere that had hundreds of smelly teenagers passing through it all day.

“Hi, uh, I’m Bailey Carter, it’s my first day and I have no idea where I’m meant to be.” I smiled nervously at the woman behind the desk.

“Ah yes, we’re expecting you today, here’s your schedule, do you need any-“ She spoke back, handed me my class schedule and was cut off by someone yelling.

“NEW GIRL!” The voice screamed, when I turned I was faced with a very tall, very lanky, dark haired and pail skinned man.

“Looks like you have all the help you need. Mr Sullivan, try not to scare the girl too much and please, take her straight to class.” She laughed to herself.

“Yeah, sure Janette, She’ll be fine with us, won’t she short shit?” He laughed back and turned around to look at a much smaller guy about my height who was red in the face I thought that steam was going to come out his ears.

“STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THAT!” He yelled and I couldn’t help but laugh at him “What’re you laughing at, gorgeous?” He asked with a wink.

“You, and pfft, thank you!” I exclaimed sarcastically while flicking my hair over my shoulder dramatically.
“Come on, looks like you’ve got music with us first period and we’re already late… you” Jimmy pointed a long, bony finger in my face “Are our excuse today!” He smiled and grabbed my hand and started running off down the corridor.

We approached the music class and Jimmy hid me behind him and told me to ‘shut the fuck up or be tickled mercilessly’ I chose to stay silent.

“Ah, I see the rest of you have decided to join us today, Mr Sullivan, Mr Seward, your friends managed to make it on time today, what’s your excuse this time?” The man, who I assumed was the teacher, spoke from the front of the class as we stood just inside the door. He was a tall man with a beer belly, a receding hairline and glasses.

“She is!” Jimmy exclaimed and Johnny pulled me out from behind Jimmy and displayed me to the class.
“Ah, you must be Miss Carter, correct?” The pot-bellied man asked. “I’m Mr Hare, I’ll be your music teacher this year if you are.”

“Uh, Bailey’s fine actually, but yeah, that’s me” I said with a shy smile.

“Okay, well, it looks like Jimmy and Johnny here have claimed you for their gang so you can join them up the back of the class.”

The guys dragged me to the back of the class where three other guys were sitting.
“Hey man, where’d you find her?” One guy asked. He was very handsome, muscular, medium length curly hair and gorgeous hazel eyes.

“Ah, Dick assigned me to help her out this week, I don’t know why, but I don’t regret getting into trouble last week if it helped me find her. I think she may be our good luck charm.” Jimmy whispered excitedly “Guys, this is Bailey; she’s new and seems to have classes with all of us at some point so we can take care of her.”

“Hey, I’m Matt” The same guy spoke again with a nod “And just how is she going to be our good luck charm Jim?”

“Well, she got me and short shit outta trouble on her first class of the day, which never happens, nothing works with Hare.”

“Jimmy enough bullshitting” The guy beside Matt spoke, he wasn’t too bad looking himself, he had very chiselled features and chocolate brown eyes, his hair was in all directions and looked as though he had just rolled out of bed and it suited him well. “This dipshit over here, who won’t speak to you because he seems to be falling for you or something, is Zacky! I’m Brian”

I looked over to the side of Brian to see the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. He had the most stunning green eyes, pouty lips, snake bites and a septum piercing, his black hair was slicked to the side of his face and his eyes were circled in guy-liner. He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the teacher yelling something at us about getting to know each other on our own time and not during his lesson.

The rest of the day I spent mostly with Jimmy or Johnny in classes and at lunch I had a meeting with the head about the school and what I was here for and what was expected of me in ‘his school’. First impressions are everything and he made a bad one. I left the office and sighed loudly. Biology was next.
“Hey Bails!” Matt shouted from behind me “Wait up, we got biology together, I’ll walk with you.” He smiled and wrapped his arm around my shoulder when he caught up to me.

“Thanks Mattie, I have no idea where I’m going anyway.” I laughed and then sighed.

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad, it’s a double period and then we get to go home.”

“Yeah, home, great.” I said sarcastically as we walked into a brightly lit classroom.

End of the day dragged in, I was good at biology but music was hands down my favourite so all I wanted to do was get out of here and listen to music.

“Hey is this yours?” Matt asked, walking up behind me again as I put my key in the lock to my truck.

“No, Matthew, I’m stealing someone’s truck with a random key that just so happens to fit.” I said sarcastically, tilting my head to the side and raising my eyebrows.

“Alright, alright, she’s nice.” Matt smiled running his hand along the bonnet.

“Hey shit heads!” Brian exclaimed as he bounded over to us, cigarette in hand and Zacky walking behind him.

“No need to look so glum Zacky, cheer up!” I smiled widely at him; this was the first thing I had said to him all day.

“Bails, you have no idea what a shit day I have had, and I refuse to ride with Brian ‘cause he’s hyper and I’m tired as fuck.” Zacky said leaning against the back of the truck.

“Well, I’m sure if you gave Bails here some directions she could get you home.” Jimmy smiled popping up at the other side of the truck.

“Really?” Zacky asked raising an eyebrow at me.

“Yeah, sure, hop in.” I said, opening my door and climbing inside.

The drive was comfortably quiet with some small talk but mostly music and sometimes Zacky and I rocking the fuck out to whatever came over the radio.

“Zacky, why are you taking me to my house?” I asked sceptically.

“What? I’m taking you to my house?”

“No, I live down here.”

“No shit, so do I just go to yours and I can walk from there.”

I pulled into my drive less than a minute later, relieved to see my dad working on his car in the garage and Marion’s car wasn’t there, she must still be out for the day.

“Fucking hell Bails, looks like we’re next door neighbours.” Zacky laughed as I climbed out of the car and he followed.

“Hey dad, this is Zacky. Turns out he lives next door.” I spoke loudly to make sure my dad could hear me.
“Oh hey kids, sorry I’m a mess. Nice to meet you Zacky.” My dad smiled and held his oily hand out to Zacky who shook it without a care.

“Nice to meet you, sir, no need to apologize” Zacky said politely before being released from my dad’s grip.
“How would you like to join us for dinner tonight son? And please, call me Andrew” My dad asked, I was surprised, my dad didn’t like boys very much and all of my friends back home were mainly boys and he didn’t like them very much but he seemed to have taken an automatic shining to Zacky.

“Sounds good to me, that alright with you Bails?” Zacky asked me with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

“Sure, c’mon, I’ll give you a tour.” I laughed before grabbing his hand and running inside with him.
Ten minutes later and the tour was nearly done, I had left out my dad and Marion’s bedroom – which he understood, the only other room he hadn’t seen was mine.

“What’s in there?” Zacky asked walking over to my door.

“Oh, nothing, we don’t have to go in there.” I said trying to pull him downstairs towards the smell of food.
“C’mon Bails, I know it’s your room.” He gripped the door handle and turned it.

“Whoa!” Zacky exclaimed walking into my bedroom.

“No need for the sarcasm Zacky, it’s nothing special.” I laughed and followed him into the room.
“Yeah, but it’s the same room as mine, see that window there?” He asked, pointing out of my bedroom window and over to the side of the house next door where there was a window overlooking mine “That’s my bedroom, we can hang out without even leaving the house if we want to”

“This is so cool!” I exclaimed.

“Y’know… it’s kinda, hot, being in your room.” Zack said mysteriously with his back to me

“WH… what?” I stuttered, but the only response I got was being backed up into the wall behind me, Zacky’s hands on either side of my head. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing… I wanted him to kiss me so badly, just as he was leaning in and I was beginning to smell the faint scent of cigarettes on his breath there was shouting from downstairs.

“BAILEY! DINNER!” Marion’s annoying, high pitched voice screeched from the kitchen.

“We uh… better go down before someone comes looking for us.”

We made our way downstairs, surprisingly there wasn’t any awkwardness, when we got into the kitchen the smell of Spaghetti Bolognaise was strong. Marion thought she was some fucking master chef when really her cooking was terrible. Maybe, maybe I was just judging her too hard because I hated her so much.

“So Zacky, how long have you lived here in Huntington?” Marion asked politely, placing a napkin on her knee before fixing one into Georgia’s shirt.

“Uh, I’ve lived here my whole life Ma’am, me and my four best friends have lived here since we were born.” He replied nervously, swallowing some spaghetti.

The conversation was flowing, everyone was getting along, even Georgia and I, which never happened, I didn’t like her any more than I liked her mother, she was 8 and I was almost 18 and the fact that she was a little brat didn’t help either. I reached for another slice of garlic bread, Marion placed her hand on top of mine gently.

“Bailey, sweetie, too much bread makes you fat… do you really want that piece?” She asked rhetorically before I dropped it back onto the plate. Tears burned my eyes, I stood up from the table making my chair scrape along the floor loudly before storming away from the table, mumbling ‘bitch’ under my breath and running upstairs. A few minutes later there was a knock on my door.

“Go away!” I cried.

“No, Bails, I’m coming in.” Zacky protested. As I heard my door creak open I sat up from my face down position on my bed and wiped the tears from my eyes.

“I thought you went home.” I sighed.

“Not before spending some more time with my best girl.” He smiled and sat beside me on my bed. “You don’t have to listen to her y’know? You’re perfect, you can eat whatever you want and you’re still going to be beautiful.” Zacky was serious now, his voice stern but gentle “She’s probably just jealous that she doesn’t have her teenage figure anymore anyway.” He said, clearing his throat and trying to make light of the situation.

“Thanks, Zacky, really. I’m glad you’re still here