Baby Don't Cry
But baby don't cry.
”I don't even know what I'm doing,” Brian admitted quietly.
My head shot up and I looked right into his eyes as memories flooded my mind. I couldn't believe what was happening. I couldn't believe he had once, many years earlier, said those exact same words to me on that exact same spot on the exact same beach. I couldn't believe how much things had changed from that day.
I could barely keep my hands away from him as I looked at his face. His eyes looked tired and red and it was like he was dying to curl up into fetal position and cry. I had never seen such look on his face and I didn't think I could handle looking at him for much longer. It was like his world had fallen to pieces, somebody had stolen a piece from his puzzle, and there was no way to fix it anymore. There was nothing but sadness and pure anger in his eyes that had once been so kind and calm.
But he had a right to be angry, of course he did. And even though I was in the exact same situation – or even worse – I was holding up much better. I was angry, yes, and I was sad but I wasn't showing it the way he was. I was holding all of it inside, which, I thought, mustn't have been any better way to handle it.
”I never knew anything could hurt this much,” he told me.
He finally looked away from my face and turned his head to side, looking at the water. We were sitting outside on the beach, on our spot. The air was cold and for once, the breeze didn't feel calming. It was as if that place had become my nightmare, my worst enemy. I didn't think I could ever return to my favourite place because even if it had once held happy memories, now it only reminded me of such horrible things. It was that beach, the very same place where it had all started and where it would all end.
”I think... I think I'm going to end this,” I whispered and swallowed hard.
I was a coward because I knew I couldn't possibly ever feel happy again. I didn't want to be around to witness any more miserable days.
Brian only nodded as he didn't know how to respond. I had lost all hope and I couldn't wait to feel calm again. I couldn't wait to find my peace because what hurt the most was knowing that I had failed. I had lost my baby, our baby daughter, and I had failed in the most horrible way. Because during that night on the hospital, while in labour, something had gone wrong and we lost our child.
I was trying my best to keep the whole awful memory off my mind but at that moment, as I sat on the beach next to my soon-to-be-ex-husband, all I could think about was our daughter. I could never stop blaming myself for not doing something, anything differently and saving our daughter's life. Even if there had been nothing there for me to do, I should've done something to save her. But I didn't, I couldn't, and there we were.
”I need to find my peace,” I whispered, ”I need to find a way to find myself again.”
”Don't be stupid. This isn't the end of the world,” he told me but neither of us believed in his words. It was, indeed, the end of the world. It was the worst time of my life.
In some funny way, it was very relaxing to know that everything had once started on that very same beach and it was all going to end on that beach. Our spot, the place where I had lost my virginity to the love of my life, my soulmate, would be the spot I would say goodbye to him. We came one on that spot and we separated on that spot. The cold summer breeze, the sound of water, the feeling of sand between my toes – nothing had changed from that night from years ago, yet everything had changed. Everything felt so familiar yet everything was new.
”I really do love you with all my heart,” I whispered.
I finally lifted my hand up and reached closer to touch his face. His skin felt soft under my touch but it wasn't the same anymore. Nothing would ever be the same anymore.
”Sophia...” Brian sighed, ”If the situation wasn't this, I wouldn't let you go...”
”I know,” I nodded.
Even though I had never seen my husband so miserable, he flashed the saddest, most miserable smile I had ever seen and that let me know that he really loved me, no matter what. He didn't blame me for anything, he had always stood by my side and he would stay there until the end.
When the time came for Brian to leave, he stood up without saying a word. He brushed the sand off his jeans and let out a deep sigh. He watched around the beach for a moment and then looked down at me. Then, without a sound, he grabbed my hands and pulled me up to my feet. It took him no time to pull me into his arms and bury his face into my hair. He was breathing quietly but I thought I could hear sobbing near my ear. His breath was hot when it hit my skin and I relaxed when his hand started rubbing my lower back gently.
I never wanted to leave but he pulled away too soon. Before leaving completely, he reached close to my face and pinched my cheek.
”Goodbye, Sophia, my flower girl,” he whispered and flashed another sad smile.
I thought I was going to start crying. I thought I wasn't able to hold myself together but before I could completely break down, he was gone and I was left alone.
I looked at our house that stood next to the beach. I looked at it and realized that it didn't feel like a home anymore. It wasn't a happy place anymore, I felt like I didn't belong there. I realized that I would never get to raise my children in that house like my parents had once raised me. I realized that I would never get to be happy again, my life was over.
I almost laughed as I thought of the tiny baby shoes that I had once hid under the couch. They must've still been there, I thought, and wiped the miserable grin off my face. There was no reason to smile anymore. Those shoes would never get to be worn by my children. The way I thought about life, ”If it's meant to be, it will happen”, had always comforted me in a way but now the joke was on me. Was I not meant to have children?
I wasn't sure if killing myself would be the right thing to do. I was a coward, I didn't think I could actually ever do anything to hurt me. But I knew something had to be done. I had lost my daughter, I had lost my husband, I had lost my life. Brian had left me alone on the beach, on our spot, and he'd had no idea what he had done. He had left me for the last time, it had been the time for our final goodbye.
I looked around the beach for a really long time until I took off my coat. I set it down on the sand and started wandering closer to the water. The sand felt nice and cool under my bare feet but the breeze was freezing. When I reached the cold water, I stopped walking.
I couldn't actually believe everything I had gone through with Brian in my entire life. I couldn't believe I had met him again, after being ten years away from him, and falling in love with him. I had given my virginity, my all, to him and he had taken care of me. He was my soulmate, the true love of my life, my best friend and I would always be thankful of that. But after losing something, somebody so important to you, you don't really find a way to continue your life the way it was anymore. Everything was still the same, nothing had changed, yet everything had changed. I was, once again, in a very dark place in my life.
I took another step into the water and allowed my feet to get used to the coolness of the water before making my way deeper. It took me no time to reach the point in which I couldn't walk anymore. I had to swim in order to keep my head above the water. And that was when tears started streaming down my face.
I could barely breathe as I thought of everything that had happened. What had I ever done to deserve it? I couldn't find an answer but moments later it didn't matter anymore. I was tired of fighting, I was tired of being strong so I relaxed and took one last deep breath in before closing my eyes for the very last time.
I knew I could've pulled through it with Brian's help. I knew that giving up hadn't been my only option but it had been the easiest one. It was his love that had always made everything better and even if it had never stopped, it had changed. The moment we lost our daughter his love for me changed. But, as the coldness reached me, it was his words that comforted me. It was his words that made everything better, even if it was the end of everything. It was his words, that I had heard for the first time right before he had proposed to me, that kept playing in my mind for as long as I was alive.
"...But I really love you. There's nobody here I would love more than you. I don't ever want to lose you and I hope you feel the same about me. You've completely changed my world. You've proved me that we're meant to be together. I know you've always told me that but now I can really see it. You were meant for me, Sophia...”
And I still believed we had been meant for more.
My head shot up and I looked right into his eyes as memories flooded my mind. I couldn't believe what was happening. I couldn't believe he had once, many years earlier, said those exact same words to me on that exact same spot on the exact same beach. I couldn't believe how much things had changed from that day.
I could barely keep my hands away from him as I looked at his face. His eyes looked tired and red and it was like he was dying to curl up into fetal position and cry. I had never seen such look on his face and I didn't think I could handle looking at him for much longer. It was like his world had fallen to pieces, somebody had stolen a piece from his puzzle, and there was no way to fix it anymore. There was nothing but sadness and pure anger in his eyes that had once been so kind and calm.
But he had a right to be angry, of course he did. And even though I was in the exact same situation – or even worse – I was holding up much better. I was angry, yes, and I was sad but I wasn't showing it the way he was. I was holding all of it inside, which, I thought, mustn't have been any better way to handle it.
”I never knew anything could hurt this much,” he told me.
He finally looked away from my face and turned his head to side, looking at the water. We were sitting outside on the beach, on our spot. The air was cold and for once, the breeze didn't feel calming. It was as if that place had become my nightmare, my worst enemy. I didn't think I could ever return to my favourite place because even if it had once held happy memories, now it only reminded me of such horrible things. It was that beach, the very same place where it had all started and where it would all end.
”I think... I think I'm going to end this,” I whispered and swallowed hard.
I was a coward because I knew I couldn't possibly ever feel happy again. I didn't want to be around to witness any more miserable days.
Brian only nodded as he didn't know how to respond. I had lost all hope and I couldn't wait to feel calm again. I couldn't wait to find my peace because what hurt the most was knowing that I had failed. I had lost my baby, our baby daughter, and I had failed in the most horrible way. Because during that night on the hospital, while in labour, something had gone wrong and we lost our child.
I was trying my best to keep the whole awful memory off my mind but at that moment, as I sat on the beach next to my soon-to-be-ex-husband, all I could think about was our daughter. I could never stop blaming myself for not doing something, anything differently and saving our daughter's life. Even if there had been nothing there for me to do, I should've done something to save her. But I didn't, I couldn't, and there we were.
”I need to find my peace,” I whispered, ”I need to find a way to find myself again.”
”Don't be stupid. This isn't the end of the world,” he told me but neither of us believed in his words. It was, indeed, the end of the world. It was the worst time of my life.
In some funny way, it was very relaxing to know that everything had once started on that very same beach and it was all going to end on that beach. Our spot, the place where I had lost my virginity to the love of my life, my soulmate, would be the spot I would say goodbye to him. We came one on that spot and we separated on that spot. The cold summer breeze, the sound of water, the feeling of sand between my toes – nothing had changed from that night from years ago, yet everything had changed. Everything felt so familiar yet everything was new.
”I really do love you with all my heart,” I whispered.
I finally lifted my hand up and reached closer to touch his face. His skin felt soft under my touch but it wasn't the same anymore. Nothing would ever be the same anymore.
”Sophia...” Brian sighed, ”If the situation wasn't this, I wouldn't let you go...”
”I know,” I nodded.
Even though I had never seen my husband so miserable, he flashed the saddest, most miserable smile I had ever seen and that let me know that he really loved me, no matter what. He didn't blame me for anything, he had always stood by my side and he would stay there until the end.
When the time came for Brian to leave, he stood up without saying a word. He brushed the sand off his jeans and let out a deep sigh. He watched around the beach for a moment and then looked down at me. Then, without a sound, he grabbed my hands and pulled me up to my feet. It took him no time to pull me into his arms and bury his face into my hair. He was breathing quietly but I thought I could hear sobbing near my ear. His breath was hot when it hit my skin and I relaxed when his hand started rubbing my lower back gently.
I never wanted to leave but he pulled away too soon. Before leaving completely, he reached close to my face and pinched my cheek.
”Goodbye, Sophia, my flower girl,” he whispered and flashed another sad smile.
I thought I was going to start crying. I thought I wasn't able to hold myself together but before I could completely break down, he was gone and I was left alone.
I looked at our house that stood next to the beach. I looked at it and realized that it didn't feel like a home anymore. It wasn't a happy place anymore, I felt like I didn't belong there. I realized that I would never get to raise my children in that house like my parents had once raised me. I realized that I would never get to be happy again, my life was over.
I almost laughed as I thought of the tiny baby shoes that I had once hid under the couch. They must've still been there, I thought, and wiped the miserable grin off my face. There was no reason to smile anymore. Those shoes would never get to be worn by my children. The way I thought about life, ”If it's meant to be, it will happen”, had always comforted me in a way but now the joke was on me. Was I not meant to have children?
I wasn't sure if killing myself would be the right thing to do. I was a coward, I didn't think I could actually ever do anything to hurt me. But I knew something had to be done. I had lost my daughter, I had lost my husband, I had lost my life. Brian had left me alone on the beach, on our spot, and he'd had no idea what he had done. He had left me for the last time, it had been the time for our final goodbye.
I looked around the beach for a really long time until I took off my coat. I set it down on the sand and started wandering closer to the water. The sand felt nice and cool under my bare feet but the breeze was freezing. When I reached the cold water, I stopped walking.
I couldn't actually believe everything I had gone through with Brian in my entire life. I couldn't believe I had met him again, after being ten years away from him, and falling in love with him. I had given my virginity, my all, to him and he had taken care of me. He was my soulmate, the true love of my life, my best friend and I would always be thankful of that. But after losing something, somebody so important to you, you don't really find a way to continue your life the way it was anymore. Everything was still the same, nothing had changed, yet everything had changed. I was, once again, in a very dark place in my life.
I took another step into the water and allowed my feet to get used to the coolness of the water before making my way deeper. It took me no time to reach the point in which I couldn't walk anymore. I had to swim in order to keep my head above the water. And that was when tears started streaming down my face.
I could barely breathe as I thought of everything that had happened. What had I ever done to deserve it? I couldn't find an answer but moments later it didn't matter anymore. I was tired of fighting, I was tired of being strong so I relaxed and took one last deep breath in before closing my eyes for the very last time.
I knew I could've pulled through it with Brian's help. I knew that giving up hadn't been my only option but it had been the easiest one. It was his love that had always made everything better and even if it had never stopped, it had changed. The moment we lost our daughter his love for me changed. But, as the coldness reached me, it was his words that comforted me. It was his words that made everything better, even if it was the end of everything. It was his words, that I had heard for the first time right before he had proposed to me, that kept playing in my mind for as long as I was alive.
"...But I really love you. There's nobody here I would love more than you. I don't ever want to lose you and I hope you feel the same about me. You've completely changed my world. You've proved me that we're meant to be together. I know you've always told me that but now I can really see it. You were meant for me, Sophia...”
And I still believed we had been meant for more.
You made me cry!:(:(:(
I loved the story, right from the first chapter. Sofia and Brian's first time, them separating, Brian marrying Michelle, Jimmy having feelings for Sophia, Sophia falling for Brian, Brian getting a divorce and marrying Sophia, the couple losing their child, and finally separating.
Loved it! But ending was really sad:(
10/25/15