After the wedding and after returning home from Hawaii Brian sold his house and moved in with me, completely. Life seemed normal again and somebody had burst my little bubble. I had to face the hard world again. I had to get a job. This time I was a lot more serious about it and actually got a decent job at a local flower shop. I was used to working with flowers so at first it was pretty nice. But after a while it got boring and stupid but it was just something I had to do.

I didn't feel really cheerful or happy at all because it had started to look like I wasn't going to have kids, ever. We had been trying for months to get me pregnant but nothing had happened. I wasn't going to be okay with the fact that I wasn't going to be a mother. And, as bad as it sounded, I had decided that if I wasn't pregnant by the age of 40, I would kill myself. I didn't want to live my life without kids, even if I had an amazing husband. I wanted children so badly.

Christmas was coming up and if anything, that made me excited. I absolutely loved Christmas and the feeling of staying in pajamas all day and opening presents and eating good food and snuggling with my husband. I loved the smell of Christmas. And I was really excited because it was our first Christmas as a husband and a wife. It was our first Christmas as a family... And hopefully the last one without any children.

Only a few weeks before Christmas I started to decorate the house. Brian wasn't such a big fan of the holidays and he didn't care about the whole hustle.

”I have to go and buy Christmas presents today,” I told him.

We were sitting in the kitchen and eating breakfast. Once again Brian's eyes were glued to his phone.

”Uh huh...”

”Are you even listening?”

”Sure.”

”Right, okay... Brian?”

”Huh?”

”What do you want for Christmas?” I asked him.

He finally looked up at me and then shrugged.

”I don't know. Nothing, I suppose,” he said.

”Aww, come on. Say something. I have to give you something,” I insisted.

He grimaced and shrugged again. Then he looked at his phone again.

”Why are you being like that, anyway? Why aren't you excited about this?” I asked him.

”I'm doing something important right now, babe,” he mumbled.

”What could be so important?” I asked.

I went to him and sat down on his lap, making it impossible for him to keep staring at his phone. He sighed and put his phone on the table.

”Why are we acting like an old married couple, anyway?” I asked him and wrapped my arms around
his neck. He finally gave in to me and placed his hands on my waist, pulling me close. He buried his face into my neck and kissed my skin a few times.

”You could get me a new car for Christmas,” he murmured and laughed, finally answering my question.

”That was low, babe. You know I can't afford that,” I told him.

”I know. I was joking. But the real question is, what do you want for Christmas?” he asked me.

”Well... We both know what I really want...” I mumbled, talking about having a baby.

”But since it's not possible... I don't know. Maybe just some nice underwear or something,” I said finally.

”Nice underwear? Do you think I'd be able to walk into a shop and buy you underwear? That would be a terrifying experience,” he said with a laugh.

”I know you guys always go together as a group to buy underwear for your girls,” I told him, ”And I can only imagine you five well-tattooed, big guys trying to find some sexy lingerie for your wives.”

”So you can imagine how embarrassing it is,” he said.

I smiled and leaned in to kiss him quickly. His phone buzzed on the table and he grabbed it. I got up from his lap and let him focus on his phone again.

That afternoon I drove to the local mall and started buying a lot of (useless) things for Christmas. Mostly I just bought presents for my family and friends. I just couldn't figure out what to buy to Brian. I wandered around the mall and tried to think of something but I didn't find him anything.

What I did find, however, was a cute little shop that sold only baby stuff. My heart skipped a beat as I walked in and looked at all of the cute pink and baby blue clothes. Everything was so tiny and cute and adorable. I found the cutest pair of tiny Converse shoes and I just had to buy them.

I left the mall feeling a little guilty. I knew I shouldn't have bought the baby shoes because now I was going to get all emotional and wish I had an actual baby that could wear them.

I drove home and to my surprise the house was empty. There was a note on the kitchen table that said that Brian had gone to Jimmy's to discuss some band stuff. I left the baby shoes and everything else that I had bought on the table and went into the living room to watch TV.

Brian came home when it was already dark outside. I had fallen asleep on the couch while watching television so I was woken up by the voice of my husband coming from the doorway.

”Sophia? What are these?” Brian's voice sounded concerned.

I had turn to look at what he was talking about and saw that he was holding the tiny shoes in his hands. I furrowed my eyebrows and bit my lip for a moment. I didn't know what to say.

”They are... They're obviously shoes...” I mumbled finally.

”Shoes for a baby, Sophia. Why did you buy these?” he asked me.

”I just... I thought they looked nice...”

”You shouldn't have bought these,” he said and shook his head, ”You shouldn't have.”

”Why?”

”Because these will make you feel like shit, that's why. You're going to look at these and start feeling like shit because you don't have a baby. I know that,” he said.

”I have a right to feel bad,” I said quietly, ”It's not fair, okay? It's not fair that I can't have a baby when it's really all that I want.”

”Yeah but why do you have to do this to yourself? You know these,” he lifted the shoes up, ”Won't make you feel any better.”

”I just thought they looked nice, that's all.”

”I'm going to take these back. Where did you get these?”

”Brian, no,” I exclaimed, ”Please, just, forget about those. I'm going to be just fine, okay? I won't bother you about those, I promise.”

”It's not about you bothering me, babe. I just hate seeing you all sad and miserable,” he said. He sighed and started walking to the couch where I was. He sat down and placed his hand on my thigh.

”You know, this isn't easy for me either,” he said, ”It breaks my heart to know that you're not happy.
I feel like I've failed to make you happy. This isn't easy for anyone.”

”Yeah but – ”

”Please stop being so hard on yourself. Who knows, maybe you'll get pregnant once you stop trying.
Didn't that happen in the Sex and the City movie, too?”

”How would you know anything about Sex and the City?”

”I just... That's not the point here,” he said and laughed. He lifted his hand up and touched my cheek.

”Maybe we just should stop trying for a moment,” he said, getting more serious again.

”And then what?”

”I don't know. But this is taking all of our energy. I don't want us to be like this. I want to have my Sophia back,” he whispered.

Once Brian had gone to the kitchen, I grabbed the shoes from the couch and hid them under the couch. I wasn't going to let Brian take them back. If I wasn't able to have a baby then at least I could have a pair of baby shoes.

And, okay, well maybe I was going a bit crazy. Maybe the whole baby thing wasn't a healthy obsession anymore. But as long as I didn't have a baby, I wasn't happy.