What Can I Say?
Emptiness
So I said all I had to say in letters that I threw away...
LOVE - a simple four letter word with such a deep meaning behind it. A word that paints the mental image in our minds of pure happiness. A mental image where we ponder around the idea of what true love could really be. For a female, this ideal image of love could be finding prince charming; the man to call Mr. Right, the only and one; It would be someone she would say is her ‘Knight in Shining Armor’ . However, this ideal way of love is slightly different to a male; this being more along the lines of how many women could they be able to score in a certain timespan. But then again, this is just your typical, standard answers of what a female and a male could potentially think about towards love.
Like every love story there’s always two individuals who fall madly in love. They get swept off their feet by one another and nothing else in this world could matter. Most of the time, these true love feelings turn into that happily ever after feelings. Like, 9 times out of 10 they do. However, there is always a downfall to each of these fairytales. Somewhere past the Honeymoon Phase, reality hits and things begin to change...and this change isn’t always the best...
Leana sat quietly in the condo she shared with her fiance, looking over the large amount of pictures that had been plastered in frames on the walls. Cupping a glass of wine in her petite hands, the young brunette stood there staring at one of the first pictures she had taken with Jimmy. She smiled a little, thinking back to that day. She practically had to beg the drummer to take a picture all while listening to his reasoning (or as she saw it, a small excuse in her eyes) that he was going to break the camera. It was the first time Leana MacFadden had rolled her eyes at Jimmy Sullivan, however, she couldn't help it. Hisreasoning was not a good enough reasoning in her eyes, and there was no way she was going to let him talk her out of taking a picture together. When Jimmy finally caved in, saying yes to the picture, Leana couldn't help but feel all warm and bubbly inside as she leaned into him to take the picture before allowing her lips to be captivated by his once the photo was taken. Pulling herself out of that daydream, a soft sigh escaped her lips as she settled on taking another sip of her wine. She needed this. Remaining silent as she strolled down memory lane, Leana could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. Where had all of this gone?
For months now, things with the two of them just weren't the same. It was as if they would tiptoeing around one another, slightly fearing to piss the other person off. Leana had been the first victim to it when Jimmy came home one night completely wasted. Her concern for Jimmy's drinking habit had only grown throughout the years at this point. Usually watching her fiance drink had never a problem nor an issue. It wasn't unlike Jimmy to want or get alcohol of some sort when arriving at a party or hang out. However, when it became such a necessity, the constant urge to have a beer or liquor caused her more concern and worry. But when she brought this topic of concern up to Jimmy, the conversation always ended badly. He would get pissed, saying he didn't appreciate her assumption that he had a drinking problem, and would usually go off somewhere for a short period of time. And while Leana never classified it as a drinking problem, the young woman couldn't help but wonder if this was what his habit was becoming...some sort of addiction.
Breaking her gaze with the wall of pictures, Leana glanced over to check the time, reading 12:30 am. She did her best to keep the tears back, but at this point, a few tears trickled their way down her cheeks. Where the hell is Jimmy? It had been several hours since she had last seen her fiance after he stormed out of the place, pissed because of their conversation. Looking down to her phone, she tried calling Jimmy, but shortly frowned when it went straight to voicemail. This could not be happening. Quickly wiping the tears away, she moved across the family room, moving over to the couch. The house was dead silent and as dim as can be. There was no sounds, barely any lights, and just Leana MacFadden lost in her thoughts. The good thoughts, the bad thoughts,and worse...the ugly thoughts. Taking yet another sip of her wine, challenging herself to finish this drink before placing the empty glass on the coffee table. As she leaned back against the couch, Leana could feel the alcohol flowing through her body. This had been about her third or fourth glass and she could definitely feel the buzz kicking in. In the back of her mind she knew that drinking wasn't going to solve anything, but at least the liquid gave her a sense of temporary numbness.
Slowly beginning to close her eyes, Leana's mind kept the Memory Lane theme going. But this time, it wasn't playing the lovey-dovey, mushy-gushy, fairytale scenes of her life love. No, it was playing the more recent ones – the utter sadness ones. The ones that would leave Leana wondering if things would ever get to being normal, their kind of normal that is. It was like her mind was on repeat. All she could think about was their latest and biggest fight. Jimmy’s drinking problem.
For months now, their arguments focused around the dark haired drummer and his constant drinking habit. For Leana, she knew the drinking was bound to always happen with any party or social gathering, there was no doubt about that. But as of lately it seemed that the amount of pouring and drinking with the liquor never stopped. In the beginning, she didn’t think too much into it. She looked towards it in a nonchalant way of thinking. In her eyes, she thought of it as it being a way for her fiancé to handle things when he was under stress and this liquid was being used as a stress reliever. However, that nonchalant thinking was quickly dismissed as her observing become more aware of his alcohol consumption. As this realization came to mind, Leana felt as if she needed to say something, already knowing what the outcome with be when she confronted Jimmy about her concern. It never failed anymore when the young brunette would bring up her concern towards this, meaning nothing by it. However, this topic would always seem to trigger the dark haired drummer way more than she had ever planned or expected.
So here she stood now, lost in the feeling of being unsure. At this point, she honestly did not know what to do anything. Did she continue to stand in the background like she was asked, letting him living his life the way he chose? Or, did she do what she felt was necessary and continue to tell him her concern with his drinking problem? Question after question tossed back and forth in her mind, causing a feeling of sudden loss wash over her.
Bringing her attention back to photo wall once more, Leana sat there staring in silence, tears rolling down her cheeks. The realization finally hit, making her clearly see what needed to be done. Wiping the tears that managed to fall, Leana pulled her eyes away from the photos to look at her phone. Still no notifications, no phone calls, no text messages from Jimmy. Her heart was broken for she knew there was a time when Jimmy would have went a long time without letting her know that he was okay. Of course, over time things had changed and they relationship continued to grow, Jimmy would call but not as often, which was fine. It was to be expected. She knew things were good and she had nothing to worry about. However, this way was not okay, and that left her with the worried sensation.
Looking away from the phone, Leana slipped the device into the back pocket of her jeans. Letting out a soft, yet frustrated sigh, she lifted herself up from the couch, making her way towards their bedroom. At this point, more tears had made their way down her cheeks and there was no stopping them. This realization of hers brought the tears on and in many ways it was to be expected.
Upon entering their bedroom, Leana maneuvered around the dark, allowing the only light from her closet to guide the way. Pulling out a 3 piece luggage set, she placed each piece of the bed, swiftly opening them. Looking at the luggage cases sprawled out across the bed, Leana bit her bottom lip, wondering should she do this or not? Shaking her head, Leana knew this had been done now, even if it was to be something that was temporarily. Wanting to waste no more time on thinking, the packing began. Beginning with the items from the closet, Leana pulled out the articles of clothing that she desired. Once that was finished, she moved to the clothing from the drawers, then finally all her essentials from the bathroom. She wasn’t quite sure how long she would need to be away, but was pretty sure that she had overpacked. As she zipped up each piece of luggage, Leana glanced over at her phone, expecting a sign to show, telling her this was the wrong choice. But if that was the case then she knew she would have heard something by now, receiving the sign that she had been anxiously waiting for all night. So to see that nothing had popped up - no notification what-so-ever - just gave Leana the confirmation to the question she had been pondering that night. She knew she had to leave.
Lugging her bags out of their room, Leana lined up the bags by the door. Turning around to look around at the house, she blinked her eyes, trying to stop the tears. Making her back over towards the couch, she had picked up a piece of paper and a pen. She figured if Jimmy wasn’t going to answer her text, then maybe he would at least read a note from her. Taking a minute to reflect on what to say, the young woman began to write:
Dear Jimmy,
Truth be told, I don’t even know what to say or how to even begin. At the moment, I feel nothing but loneliness and utter confusion. I don’t know where we went wrong, or what happened to us, and right now I think the best thing we can do is to be apart.
I have my phone if you want to talk, all you have to do is call.
Love you forever and always,
Leana
Reading over the words written on the paper, Leana sit at the table taking a moment to let this set in. Folding the paper in half, she wrote Jimmy’s name on the paper before going back to their bedroom to place the piece of paper on the bed. Looking back once last time at their bed, she sighed.
Picking up all the luggage, Leana made her way out of the house and to her car. Placing each luggage into the trunk, she closed the lid, leaning her body into it. A silent cry escaped as she could feel her heart aching. This pain was the worst type of pain she could ever inflict upon herself. Keeping her head down, she finally slipped into the vehicle, not daring to look back. However as she turned the key to start the car, she couldn't help but look at the home through the rearview mirror, tears trickling down her cheeks.
How did it come to this?
LOVE - a simple four letter word with such a deep meaning behind it. A word that paints the mental image in our minds of pure happiness. A mental image where we ponder around the idea of what true love could really be. For a female, this ideal image of love could be finding prince charming; the man to call Mr. Right, the only and one; It would be someone she would say is her ‘Knight in Shining Armor’ . However, this ideal way of love is slightly different to a male; this being more along the lines of how many women could they be able to score in a certain timespan. But then again, this is just your typical, standard answers of what a female and a male could potentially think about towards love.
Like every love story there’s always two individuals who fall madly in love. They get swept off their feet by one another and nothing else in this world could matter. Most of the time, these true love feelings turn into that happily ever after feelings. Like, 9 times out of 10 they do. However, there is always a downfall to each of these fairytales. Somewhere past the Honeymoon Phase, reality hits and things begin to change...and this change isn’t always the best...
Leana sat quietly in the condo she shared with her fiance, looking over the large amount of pictures that had been plastered in frames on the walls. Cupping a glass of wine in her petite hands, the young brunette stood there staring at one of the first pictures she had taken with Jimmy. She smiled a little, thinking back to that day. She practically had to beg the drummer to take a picture all while listening to his reasoning (or as she saw it, a small excuse in her eyes) that he was going to break the camera. It was the first time Leana MacFadden had rolled her eyes at Jimmy Sullivan, however, she couldn't help it. Hisreasoning was not a good enough reasoning in her eyes, and there was no way she was going to let him talk her out of taking a picture together. When Jimmy finally caved in, saying yes to the picture, Leana couldn't help but feel all warm and bubbly inside as she leaned into him to take the picture before allowing her lips to be captivated by his once the photo was taken. Pulling herself out of that daydream, a soft sigh escaped her lips as she settled on taking another sip of her wine. She needed this. Remaining silent as she strolled down memory lane, Leana could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. Where had all of this gone?
For months now, things with the two of them just weren't the same. It was as if they would tiptoeing around one another, slightly fearing to piss the other person off. Leana had been the first victim to it when Jimmy came home one night completely wasted. Her concern for Jimmy's drinking habit had only grown throughout the years at this point. Usually watching her fiance drink had never a problem nor an issue. It wasn't unlike Jimmy to want or get alcohol of some sort when arriving at a party or hang out. However, when it became such a necessity, the constant urge to have a beer or liquor caused her more concern and worry. But when she brought this topic of concern up to Jimmy, the conversation always ended badly. He would get pissed, saying he didn't appreciate her assumption that he had a drinking problem, and would usually go off somewhere for a short period of time. And while Leana never classified it as a drinking problem, the young woman couldn't help but wonder if this was what his habit was becoming...some sort of addiction.
Breaking her gaze with the wall of pictures, Leana glanced over to check the time, reading 12:30 am. She did her best to keep the tears back, but at this point, a few tears trickled their way down her cheeks. Where the hell is Jimmy? It had been several hours since she had last seen her fiance after he stormed out of the place, pissed because of their conversation. Looking down to her phone, she tried calling Jimmy, but shortly frowned when it went straight to voicemail. This could not be happening. Quickly wiping the tears away, she moved across the family room, moving over to the couch. The house was dead silent and as dim as can be. There was no sounds, barely any lights, and just Leana MacFadden lost in her thoughts. The good thoughts, the bad thoughts,and worse...the ugly thoughts. Taking yet another sip of her wine, challenging herself to finish this drink before placing the empty glass on the coffee table. As she leaned back against the couch, Leana could feel the alcohol flowing through her body. This had been about her third or fourth glass and she could definitely feel the buzz kicking in. In the back of her mind she knew that drinking wasn't going to solve anything, but at least the liquid gave her a sense of temporary numbness.
Slowly beginning to close her eyes, Leana's mind kept the Memory Lane theme going. But this time, it wasn't playing the lovey-dovey, mushy-gushy, fairytale scenes of her life love. No, it was playing the more recent ones – the utter sadness ones. The ones that would leave Leana wondering if things would ever get to being normal, their kind of normal that is. It was like her mind was on repeat. All she could think about was their latest and biggest fight. Jimmy’s drinking problem.
For months now, their arguments focused around the dark haired drummer and his constant drinking habit. For Leana, she knew the drinking was bound to always happen with any party or social gathering, there was no doubt about that. But as of lately it seemed that the amount of pouring and drinking with the liquor never stopped. In the beginning, she didn’t think too much into it. She looked towards it in a nonchalant way of thinking. In her eyes, she thought of it as it being a way for her fiancé to handle things when he was under stress and this liquid was being used as a stress reliever. However, that nonchalant thinking was quickly dismissed as her observing become more aware of his alcohol consumption. As this realization came to mind, Leana felt as if she needed to say something, already knowing what the outcome with be when she confronted Jimmy about her concern. It never failed anymore when the young brunette would bring up her concern towards this, meaning nothing by it. However, this topic would always seem to trigger the dark haired drummer way more than she had ever planned or expected.
So here she stood now, lost in the feeling of being unsure. At this point, she honestly did not know what to do anything. Did she continue to stand in the background like she was asked, letting him living his life the way he chose? Or, did she do what she felt was necessary and continue to tell him her concern with his drinking problem? Question after question tossed back and forth in her mind, causing a feeling of sudden loss wash over her.
Bringing her attention back to photo wall once more, Leana sat there staring in silence, tears rolling down her cheeks. The realization finally hit, making her clearly see what needed to be done. Wiping the tears that managed to fall, Leana pulled her eyes away from the photos to look at her phone. Still no notifications, no phone calls, no text messages from Jimmy. Her heart was broken for she knew there was a time when Jimmy would have went a long time without letting her know that he was okay. Of course, over time things had changed and they relationship continued to grow, Jimmy would call but not as often, which was fine. It was to be expected. She knew things were good and she had nothing to worry about. However, this way was not okay, and that left her with the worried sensation.
Looking away from the phone, Leana slipped the device into the back pocket of her jeans. Letting out a soft, yet frustrated sigh, she lifted herself up from the couch, making her way towards their bedroom. At this point, more tears had made their way down her cheeks and there was no stopping them. This realization of hers brought the tears on and in many ways it was to be expected.
Upon entering their bedroom, Leana maneuvered around the dark, allowing the only light from her closet to guide the way. Pulling out a 3 piece luggage set, she placed each piece of the bed, swiftly opening them. Looking at the luggage cases sprawled out across the bed, Leana bit her bottom lip, wondering should she do this or not? Shaking her head, Leana knew this had been done now, even if it was to be something that was temporarily. Wanting to waste no more time on thinking, the packing began. Beginning with the items from the closet, Leana pulled out the articles of clothing that she desired. Once that was finished, she moved to the clothing from the drawers, then finally all her essentials from the bathroom. She wasn’t quite sure how long she would need to be away, but was pretty sure that she had overpacked. As she zipped up each piece of luggage, Leana glanced over at her phone, expecting a sign to show, telling her this was the wrong choice. But if that was the case then she knew she would have heard something by now, receiving the sign that she had been anxiously waiting for all night. So to see that nothing had popped up - no notification what-so-ever - just gave Leana the confirmation to the question she had been pondering that night. She knew she had to leave.
Lugging her bags out of their room, Leana lined up the bags by the door. Turning around to look around at the house, she blinked her eyes, trying to stop the tears. Making her back over towards the couch, she had picked up a piece of paper and a pen. She figured if Jimmy wasn’t going to answer her text, then maybe he would at least read a note from her. Taking a minute to reflect on what to say, the young woman began to write:
Dear Jimmy,
Truth be told, I don’t even know what to say or how to even begin. At the moment, I feel nothing but loneliness and utter confusion. I don’t know where we went wrong, or what happened to us, and right now I think the best thing we can do is to be apart.
I have my phone if you want to talk, all you have to do is call.
Love you forever and always,
Leana
Reading over the words written on the paper, Leana sit at the table taking a moment to let this set in. Folding the paper in half, she wrote Jimmy’s name on the paper before going back to their bedroom to place the piece of paper on the bed. Looking back once last time at their bed, she sighed.
Picking up all the luggage, Leana made her way out of the house and to her car. Placing each luggage into the trunk, she closed the lid, leaning her body into it. A silent cry escaped as she could feel her heart aching. This pain was the worst type of pain she could ever inflict upon herself. Keeping her head down, she finally slipped into the vehicle, not daring to look back. However as she turned the key to start the car, she couldn't help but look at the home through the rearview mirror, tears trickling down her cheeks.
How did it come to this?
Notes
Please know this is my first Avenged Sevenfold Fanfic...EVER! So, I do sincerely hope you enjoy this. However, I still would love to have your feedback!
Thanks! xoxo
OH MY GOD.... I hope you don’t leave it there! That. Was. Brilliant! Please carry this on!! I hope they work things out!
5/27/19