Journal Entries
It hurts, but it’s okay
The Diary of Brooke Miller
January 3, 1998
Brian means so much to me. He’s the last thing I wanna lose. He’s the thought I wake up to, and the thought I fall asleep to. I know it sounds kinda weird, but he makes me feel so happy and cared for. I wanna keep him in my life for as long as possible. I love him.
~
February 9, 1998
Even the shortest conversation with him makes me happy.
~
March 6, 1998
Let’s set the record straight: nobody makes me smile like the way he can. The thing is, he makes me happy; his whole existence makes me happy. And I know I may sound like this totally obsessed teenager who’s got this huge crush on her neighbor and is going out with him, but Brian walked into my life when it seemed like the rest of the world walked out. He was there. He is there, and he always will be there. And I love him for that. I never need to pretend when I’m with him, when I’m talking to him, when I’m around him. He makes me laugh. He seems to know all the right words to say to make it all okay.
~
April 12, 1998
I wanted him in the bluntest way. I wanted his lips, his hands, his arms. I wanted him the way the ocean wants the shore, constantly reaching and running back. I wanted him to infinity, to the millionth degree. No amount of rain could douse the fire I had in me for him.
~
May 15, 1998
I wonder if he ever talked about me to someone.
~
June 18, 1998
If he stays with me, I promise to make him smile everyday with my weird jokes and random kisses. I promise to hold his hand when he needs someone to walk through the storm. I will listen when he tells me about how he shred his guitar and made hundreds of girls swoon over him. I promise to hold him in my arms when he feels like his whole world is crashing down. I’ll make him see that there’s a million reasons why he should be with me.
~
July 21, 1998
I hope I cross his mind once in a while just so that I won’t feel pathetic for thinking of him all the time.
~
August 24, 1998
Everyday I replay him, his every detail. I don’t wanna lose a single memory. I’d rather the pain of remembering than to forget the feeling of happiness.
~
September 27, 1998
I miss him. And not in some wistful, nostalgic way. I miss him painfully. Violently. In a way that I can’t quantify or articulate. But in a way that I can write about it, every day, for years on end. And still not have found the words to describe it.
~
October 30, 1998
Imagine how heartbreaking it must be to suddenly stop talking to the person you thought you’d marry. I can not only imagine that, but can feel it too.
~
November 3, 1998
We had the right love at the wrong time, Brian.
~
December 6, 1998
There’s a corner of my heart that’s yours. And it’ll be yours forever. Whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again, there’s always gonna be this small quiet place in my heart that belongs to you.
~
December 12, 1998
There was nothing romantic about our lost love. It was a tragedy. And I’m still trying to recover from what is left of you.
~
December 31, 1998
I love you, but fuck you.
~
January 3, 1999
I deserved a better goodbye, Brian.
January 3, 1998
Brian means so much to me. He’s the last thing I wanna lose. He’s the thought I wake up to, and the thought I fall asleep to. I know it sounds kinda weird, but he makes me feel so happy and cared for. I wanna keep him in my life for as long as possible. I love him.
~
February 9, 1998
Even the shortest conversation with him makes me happy.
~
March 6, 1998
Let’s set the record straight: nobody makes me smile like the way he can. The thing is, he makes me happy; his whole existence makes me happy. And I know I may sound like this totally obsessed teenager who’s got this huge crush on her neighbor and is going out with him, but Brian walked into my life when it seemed like the rest of the world walked out. He was there. He is there, and he always will be there. And I love him for that. I never need to pretend when I’m with him, when I’m talking to him, when I’m around him. He makes me laugh. He seems to know all the right words to say to make it all okay.
~
April 12, 1998
I wanted him in the bluntest way. I wanted his lips, his hands, his arms. I wanted him the way the ocean wants the shore, constantly reaching and running back. I wanted him to infinity, to the millionth degree. No amount of rain could douse the fire I had in me for him.
~
May 15, 1998
I wonder if he ever talked about me to someone.
~
June 18, 1998
If he stays with me, I promise to make him smile everyday with my weird jokes and random kisses. I promise to hold his hand when he needs someone to walk through the storm. I will listen when he tells me about how he shred his guitar and made hundreds of girls swoon over him. I promise to hold him in my arms when he feels like his whole world is crashing down. I’ll make him see that there’s a million reasons why he should be with me.
~
July 21, 1998
I hope I cross his mind once in a while just so that I won’t feel pathetic for thinking of him all the time.
~
August 24, 1998
Everyday I replay him, his every detail. I don’t wanna lose a single memory. I’d rather the pain of remembering than to forget the feeling of happiness.
~
September 27, 1998
I miss him. And not in some wistful, nostalgic way. I miss him painfully. Violently. In a way that I can’t quantify or articulate. But in a way that I can write about it, every day, for years on end. And still not have found the words to describe it.
~
October 30, 1998
Imagine how heartbreaking it must be to suddenly stop talking to the person you thought you’d marry. I can not only imagine that, but can feel it too.
~
November 3, 1998
We had the right love at the wrong time, Brian.
~
December 6, 1998
There’s a corner of my heart that’s yours. And it’ll be yours forever. Whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again, there’s always gonna be this small quiet place in my heart that belongs to you.
~
December 12, 1998
There was nothing romantic about our lost love. It was a tragedy. And I’m still trying to recover from what is left of you.
~
December 31, 1998
I love you, but fuck you.
~
January 3, 1999
I deserved a better goodbye, Brian.
Notes
hey everyone,
so im back to writing after, like five months. and i’m really excited. my term ends in like six weeks and i’ve been writing more than ever now (just not fanfics, school papers :p)
but will hopefully be back, i wish to finish my incomplete works. and maybe work on a new fic. your feedback on this oneshot would be great! haven’t checked for typos, but since i’m on my phone there should be a couple here and there ;)
@J.J.
Thank u so much! So happy to see your comment :)
@violetshade
Thanks for telling me about the edit, hun! And I’m glad that u liked this :)
@Daphne
School’s crap. But I love what I’m doing, so it’s kinda okay I guess;)
@Lily97
Thank u so much for leaving a comment, Lily! I know you’re super busy;)
@Kimmie
I’m back, yes!! But I’ll be leaving again, after I finish bete noire of course ;) aaaand if by that time I come up with a good plot, or even decide to continue The Switch, you’ll see more of me here again.
~ xoxo
4/20/19