Trashed and Scattered

Matt pulled along the curb, instinctively stopping outside the Sullivan’s house. He furrowed his brows a little as he correctively inched forward. Peyton just laughed.
“Well,” she started awkwardly as the car lulled to a stop once more, “Thank you taking me home, Matt…I really appreciate it.”
“Any time,” he smiled, his dimples making their adorable appearance. “I’m sorry this weekend was such a nightmare.”
Peyton shrugged, “It’s all good.”
As she reached for the handle, Matt couldn’t help the urgency that ruptured from his throat, “Peyton?”
She stopped, glancing over at the hazel-eyed boy she once knew, “Yeah?”
“I, um…I didn’t know,” he told her quietly.
Her eyes narrowed as her head fell limply to its side, “Didn’t know what?”
“About your mom…About you.”
“Oh,” Peyton replied shortly, the wind effectively knocked out of her.
He frowned, daring himself to meet her gaze, “I’m really sorry. If I’d known, I would have—”
Peyton smiled, effectively breaking Matt’s intensity in two, “It’s okay, Matt. Really.”
“At least you had Jimmy,” Matt half-shrugged. “I just wish I could have been a better friend.”
She nodded oddly, glancing out the window toward her door and then back at the singer, “It’s all good. Like you said, I had Jimmy.”
He forced an awkward smile, “If you ever need a friend, I’m around.”
“I know,” she replied softly. “Thanks.”
With a nervous wave, Peyton pushed herself out from the car. She grabbed her bags and let them fall limply to her feet as she watched Matt pull away. With a sigh of relief, laced intricately with regret, Peyton slung her bags over her shoulder and headed for her door.
She tilted her head a little, noticing quickly that one of the planter pots out front was shattered along the walkway. The clay pieces lay like a welcome mat, sparking a series of fearful emotions.
“The storm,” she reminded herself aloud, kicking at her paranoia as it flared up.
She slid the key into the lock and hip-checked the door open, tossing her belongings into the house with a care. There they lay abandoned while Peyton snatched up the broom and swiftly cleaned up the debris leftover from the weekend’s storm clouds. She emptied the remnants into a white bag and settled it against the front step. Her eyes roamed the street out of habit, searching without success to spot danger.
Without another thought, she gathered up her things and retreated up the stairs to begin the unpacking process. She had half a mind to leave everything in the bags, given that she currently housed one foot out the door. Mentally scanning through her to-do list, Peyton found herself longing for her life. The weekend had proven to be a painstakingly clear rendition of her troubled past, complete with bodily harm. Three weeks, she’d figured; a month tops…and then she could retreat home.
She could go return to New York and never look back.

Jimmy sauntered through the door, admiring the sun as it set itself behind the tree riddled lake. He latched the glass pane closed, cautiously approaching the brooding entity leaned against the railing. Without a word, he offered her the towel clutched inside his long fingers. She glanced at its pattern and then up at him, confusion laced with her anger.
“Ice for your face,” he explained, doing his best to hide the satisfaction he felt to see black bruises forming beneath her right eye.
“Oh,” she breathed, snatching it from his grip. “Thanks.”
He nodded awkwardly, reaching into his pocket to pull a pack of cigarettes into his palm. With a delicate touch, he slipped a cigarette out from the bunch and placed it neatly between his plump lips. Natalie eyed him subtly, turning ever so slowly to rest her back against the wooden rail.
“Can I have one?” she asked him quietly.
His brows furrowed out of instinct but he actively pushed them back into place, carelessly slapping the pack into her extended palm. He lit his cigarette and then he lit hers, settling his pack back into his pocket once Natalie had returned them.
The warring lovers fell into a coma of silence, the soft crushing of waves acting as a soundtrack to their troubles. Jimmy opened his mouth to speak but quickly realized he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know where to start. He sighed, letting his jaw firmly close once more.
Natalie looked up at him, the ember of her cigarette igniting into a dramatic array of oranges and reds; a monochromatic scheme fit to match her current mood.
With a deep exhale, she finally spoke, “Peyton is Lexi, isn’t she?”
Jimmy swallowed down his nerves.
“Please just tell me the truth,” Natalie pleaded softly. “Please tell me I’m not crazy.”
He cast his gaze down to the boards of the deck, flicking at his cigarettes to keep his hand busy, “You’re not crazy.”
The honesty slapped Natalie across her swollen face. She mitigated her rage like a professional.
“She’s Lexi?”
Jimmy sighed quietly, giving his head a faint nod, “Yeah.”
“I knew it,” she seethed, foaming bubbling up through her grit teeth.
He dared to look up at her, surprised not to find a fist hurdling toward his face.
“Why did you lie?” she asked, desperation clinging to her voice. “Why wouldn’t you just tell me the truth?”
Jimmy faltered, racking his brain for something that might make sense of the situation. There weren’t enough words in the universe to properly execute the way he’d been feeling. All he could think of in that moment was Peyton. Her effortless beauty, her piercing emerald eyes, the strained pigment were her flesh had been torn apart. Everything about Peyton inspired a longing in Jimmy that he hadn’t known since the night he’d been brave enough to press his lips to hers. It felt like an eternity had passed him by since that night, each and every day spent wondering about his lost love.
“I don’t know,” was all he could come up with.
Natalie growled, letting her head fall limp, “Don’t give me that shit, Jim. Just…for once in your life, tell me the god damn truth.”
Jimmy groaned, “I don’t know what the truth is, Natalie. I really don’t know anymore.”
Her lips fell into a strained frown, “How did you find her?”
“I didn’t,” he replied slowly. “She found me…Kind of. It wasn’t like she was actively searching me out or shit like that. She just kind of…turned up where I was.”
“And where were you?” Natalie pressed impatiently.
He stared at her blankly, “You know where. I didn’t lie about that. Zach found her…dragged her to the tattoo party.”
“And you guys had a wonderful reunion? Did you kiss and make up right then and there?”
Jimmy scowled, “No.”
“I can’t believe you wouldn’t tell me,” Natalie said, the disappointment sounding off each and every tree branch.
He sighed loudly, “I didn’t know how to fucking explain it to you. It’s crazy. The whole thing is fucking crazy.”
“Did you sleep with her, Jimmy?” Natalie asked, doing her best not to break apart.
At this point, Jimmy had resigned to honesty. He figured there could be no good done by lying about it now; the lies he’d told had ripped his girlfriend limb from limb. But this truth in particular, he knew, would break her heart.
So, he lied, “No.”
There was a distinct sigh of relief escaping from the insecure woman’s throat. Denial let his dishonesty settle into her beliefs seamlessly.
“You should have told me,” she informed him.
He nodded, “Maybe…But look at what fucking happened once you figured it out anyway.”
“So, what?” Natalie challenged. “You thought you’d just prolong the inevitable?”
Jimmy blinked at her, “She doesn’t live here, Nat. She’ll be gone soon…I guess I didn’t think it would matter. She’d leave and we’d go on with our lives.”
Natalie’s eyes dampened, “Can you do that, Jimmy? Can you really pretend like she was never here?”
He tried to answer her but couldn’t. His mind was buzzing.
“Can I tell you something?”
Jimmy nodded with uncertainty, fearful and hesitant to walk into her trap.
“I think I knew from the second I set eyes on her,” Natalie said quietly, moving her gaze away from Jimmy and out to the serenity below.
She pulled at her cigarette, letting the first memory she had of Peyton work its way through her system. She ran that moment over in her mind a thousand times. Although Peyton had been cosied up with Brian and his signature Schecter, it wasn’t Peyton that had given away her identity.
“The way you looked at her…” Natalie continued, although it pained her to breathe the words to life. “I’ve never seen you look at anyone like that.”
Jimmy narrowed his eyes, “And how was I looking at her?”
“Like she held the fucking world in her hands,” Natalie croaked, the emotion welling up within her faster than she could stop it.
The sentiment hit Jimmy right in the soft spot, flooding him with regret and remorse. He hadn’t realized his inner turmoil had been so transparent. If he’d known, he could have worked harder to shield Natalie from it. Maybe even to shield Brian.
“Jimmy,” Natalie sniffled. “Are you in love with her? I need to know.”
He pushed his brows together, “I hardly know her, Natalie.”
“Yes you do,” she challenged knowingly.
Jimmy rubbed at his neck, wishing he could somehow force her to understand. He took one last drag of his cigarette before flicking it over the edge, desperately longing to leap after it to his demise.
“I knew her when she was a kid,” Jimmy tried his best to explain. “And yeah, I loved her then. Of course I did…You don’t take on that kind of shit for someone you don’t love.”
Natalie nodded along, hoping and resisting validation simultaneously.
“But that was thirteen years ago,” he continued with a lazy shrug. “I hardly know Peyton. You can’t love someone you don’t know. That goes against physics or some shit.”
Natalie’s eyes welled up as she coaxed herself into the most painful conversation she’d ever endured.
“But you do know her,” she persisted through the aching. “You know her down to her core. Nothing she does would surprise you…You always seem to know where she is…What she’s thinking. I’ve seen it all this time. It’s so fucking obvious.”
“Natalie,” he tried but she raised her hand to stop him.
She pulled one last cloud into her lungs before letting it trail off into the haze of the evening clouds. She tossed the dying cigarette over the rail and watched it splatter against the soil in a display of fireworks and death.
“Whatever you two had,” she continued brashly. “I don’t think it’s as forgotten as you’re pretending it is. I’m not sure why you’re pretending either…Is it for my benefit?”
A silence befell the drummer.
“Jimmy,” she sighed. “It’s…okay.”
“You’re reading too far into this shit,” he brushed her off.
She shook her head, “No…I don’t think you’re reading far enough into it.”
Jimmy leaned against the railing, digging his hands into the wood to release his tension. Natalie broke out into soft cries, pulling at each and every one of his heart strings like the puppet master intended.
“Every single conversation you have with her,” Natalie managed weakly. “Seems like it’s riddled with hidden meaning…You both linger around one another. You’re always looking for her in the room…and she’s always looking for you. If I didn’t love you, I might even find it…cute.”
He frowned over at her, basking in the way the sunset lit her delicate features. She was so damn fragile; a far cry from the strength he recognized in Peyton.
“You loved me once too,” Natalie said to the sky, her voice carried out along the breeze. “But never like that…Never like that.”
Jimmy’s hand shook as he tried to reach for his severed heart. Natalie’s face flinched as she slipped into sobs. Instinctively, Jimmy tried to shelter her from himself. But everything was different now; the shadows had been driven out by the light.
“Don’t,” she told him as carefully as she could. “Please don’t.”
“I’m so sorry,” Jimmy breathed. “I really didn’t mean to hurt you…I thought I was protecting you. I thought this would all just fucking go away… I thought I could let her leave and I’d just…go back to my fucking life. I thought I could stay in love with you…I thought I could be okay with fucking Brian doing whatever it is Brian does…I thought I could stop before anything got all fucked up. I really thought I could just move past it…”
Natalie shrugged her shoulders with all her might, “And can you?”
With pent up frustration and a lifelong desire, Jimmy let the air escape his lungs, “No.”
Natalie’s heart snapped in half with a deafening crack. The snap echoed against the still surface of the lake, stirring up the leaves on each branch of each tree. Jimmy’s ears rang out with the sudden realization of what kind of damage he’d inflicted. He’d severed Natalie’s love, her trust, and all hopes he had of ever soothing her aching bones.
The two fell into a silence filled only with the soft whimpers escaping Natalie’s pursed lips. She tried her best to rally, to gain composure and control. But her heart was broken and her ego bruised and bloody. Jimmy was reluctant to say anything that might make matters worse. Not that he was sure things could get much worse from the stalemate he found himself stuck within.
“Where,” Jimmy started uneasily, losing his nerve quickly. “…Where does this leave us?”
Natalie sighed, setting her teary gaze onto the crystal blues she’d once found comfort in, “It leaves us nowhere, I guess…”
He nodded, shifting his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot to better shelter the pain he’d caused.
“I still love you,” Natalie whispered. “But I want you to be happy…”
Jimmy furrowed his brows, “I am happy.”
“No, Jimmy,” she breathed. “You were happy…Or I like to think you were, anyway.”
“I was,” he insisted, trying to force a weak smile to rise from the ashes.
She nodded softly, pushing her blonde locks behind her ears, “But you aren’t now…and I think that’s okay. I don’t…I don’t want to force you to stay in something if there’s somewhere else you’d rather be.”
Jimmy felt his own heart crumbling. Three years of devotion. Three years of long nights, infectious laughter, endless fights and kisses…Three years gone. In the blink of an eye, the love they’d labored over had vanished into the thick air. The only remnant left was the dull aching throbbing loudly between the two.
Natalie sunk into the world’s most commonly used mantra, trying her best to let its wisdom carve out a place of calm within the chaos. If you love something, let it go.
“I’m sorry,” Jimmy said quietly, his light lisp hitting a fond weakness in Natalie’s shell.
She tried her best to smile, “I know…”
“I really didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know that too,” she nodded. “I just want you to be happy, Jimmy…And I think Peyton—or Lexi…Or whoever the fuck she is…is your best bet.”
He mulled that over, still not entirely convinced he could look passed the myriad of complications that seemed to follow them around like a demonic shadow. Maybe too much had happened.
“It’s okay,” Natalie told Jimmy as she took a step backward, pacing herself away from the relationship she was leaving behind. “Whatever you do, it’s okay.”
“I did love you,” he told her as she slowly backed away from him.
She nodded, a subtle smile finally spreading across her lips, “I know…I still do love you.”
With that, Natalie turned on her heel and hurried briskly through the door. Jimmy followed her trail until she’d strayed far out of sight. He turned himself around, leaning once more against the wooden rail as his thoughts raced. Under the dim sky, lulled into peace by the subtle splashing of the soft current against the shore, for the first time in three years, Jimmy was alone.

Notes

RIP Jimalie?

xx