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Trashed and Scattered

Chapter Eighteen: Scream While There's Life Left

Peyton’s eyes wandered along the shadows cast onto the ceiling. The faded yellow walls dimmed with the evening sky. She nuzzled into Jimmy’s chest, savoring the pure ecstasy she’d thrown herself into. As they lay entangled in one another, quietly memorizing the feel of one another, Jimmy’s soul was aching with conflict.
“Well,” Peyton finally breathed out a subtle laugh, “That wasn’t what I had planned for my night.”
Jimmy grinned, “What can I say? Manual labor really gets me going.”
“Apparently,” she giggled, shifting the arm lying dead across his stomach to get more comfortable.
She ran her fingers along the letters scrawled down his chest. He smiled, watching as her fingertips pulled him back into this existence, temporarily freeing him from the binds that be. While she’d been a ravenous creature only moments before, she now seemed somehow delicate. As the lamplight lit up the colour in her eyes, Jimmy caught himself falling.
“Fiction,” Peyton said quietly, mostly to herself.
Jimmy smirked, tracing her shoulder blade with one of his long fingers, “Me.”
“Shut up,” she laughed, smacking her hand down onto the O.
“It doesn’t feel real,” Jimmy thought aloud, dragging his hand down to rest at the small of her bare back. “Is this real?”
She shrugged with her entire body.
“Don’t tell me,” Jimmy laughed sharply.
“I’ll tell you when I know,” she told him sweetly. “And only if it’s real.”
He nodded, letting the cool of her green eyes calm the fury sparking up behind his. He could feel the truth bubbling up like a bad cough. He tried to clear it away, but the irritation in his throat persisted. She looked so genuinely enamored with him that he feared he’d break her heart.
He never wanted to hurt her…But he knew she’d find out the truth in time. It was better that he volunteer the information…Right?
With a groan, he rubbed at the side of his face with his free hand.
“What’s wrong?” Peyton asked lowly, trying to read him from her place atop his chest.
“I’m too happy,” he said almost in a growl.
She snickered beneath her breath, “I’m confused why that’s groan-worthy.”
“Because I’m a bad person, Lexi,” he sighed. “And bad people don’t deserve to be happy. The fact that I am this happy actually just makes me a worse person. It just goes round and round and round until I fucking die. I guess I’d die happy though, so there’s a silver lining for you—”
“Jimmy,” Peyton laughed sharply. “Jesus.”
He smiled, “Sorry.”
His smile faded quickly as Peyton turned her body onto its front. She propped her folded arms against Jimmy’s chest and set her head atop them. Her eyes bore into his soul, begging for the answers to questions she didn’t know to ask.
“Why are you a bad person?” she asked confusedly.
“I…” his nerve fizzled out before it had really worked itself up.
She raised her brows in anticipation, “Come on, Wiley. I don’t have all night.”
“Fuck,” he grumbled, frowning down at her. “I…have…a girlfriend.”
Peyton’s heart lulled to a slow stop. The world faded away as his blue eyes worked overtime to try and reassure her without words. There was nothing to reassure; he’d gone above and beyond his threshold and now she’d have to share the consequences. He was selfish; hating himself for dragging Peyton into his nonsense.
“Okay,” Peyton said finally, struggling to find any other words.
“I shouldn’t have…” he trailed off, dually unsure how to continue to breathe.
Peyton, though surprised, wasn’t as angry as she figured she should be. This wasn’t the first time this had happened to her; though, most men weren’t so forthcoming until far after the fact. But this was no typical man. This was Wiley. Her Wiley.
She hadn’t really considered what Jimmy’s romantic situation was, and supposed that maybe she shared part of the blame for this unfortunate circumstance. Though, she hadn’t exactly carried herself up those stairs…and she didn’t have someone waiting for her.
Confusion set in.
In a sense, it was reassuring to know that the undeniable pull she’d felt toward him was requited. He had more reasons than she to resist the temptation; and he’d failed. There was something to that, she knew for sure.
But this wasn’t her life.
This wasn’t her forever.
She resisted the strong urge to throw a tantrum and scream all sorts of crude obscenities at him while she stormed from the bedroom. His touch was all she needed; she was selfish, too. And she was selfishly soaking up the night.
“What’s her name?” Peyton asked awkwardly.
Jimmy pushed his brows together, “What does that matter?”
“I don’t know…” Peyton nearly whispered. “I don’t know what else to say.”
“Do you want to scream at me?” he asked desperately. “You can. I totally deserve it. I’m a piece of shit; I know that.”
She shook her head, doing her best to hide her conflicting heart, “You’re not…”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Lex,” he confessed to her. “Seeing you…You’re all I’ve been thinking about since you walked into Zach’s house yesterday. I can’t…I don’t…Fuck, I don’t know.”
He pulled his hand back to better rub at his exasperated face. He growled in frustration, hating the confines of his life.
“Jimmy,” she cooed. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not,” he said from inside his hand prison.
“Are you happy?” she asked then, afraid of the answer. “With…her?”
He shrugged, “Complacent seems like a better word.”
She chalked them up to typical Jimmy workarounds. He’d been that way when they were children, too. When he’d lose interest in one project, he’d undermine it and work laboriously to destroy it. All for the sake of something new and exciting.
“Here’s the thing,” Peyton thought aloud. “I’m leaving…You know?...I won’t be here for very long and when I go…We’ll never be here again, Wiley. This is it.”
He wasn’t sure if she was trying to comfort him or berate him.
“I don’t want you to blow up your life for me,” she said with a defeated sigh. “I want you to be happy…no matter what that entails. I would hate for you to throw your life away at some romantic notion that we’re destiny or something.”
She’d taken the words right from his lips.
Of course he thought they were destined to be together. How could he not? There was, simply, no other explanation for the obsessive drive he held for her. He’d never felt that for any woman that had come into his life—not even a fraction of what Peyton conjured up within him.
Peyton sensed his subconscious agreement and she grinned, “Don’t you tell me we’re destined, Wiley. I’m not listening to that shit. Especially not after you casually drop the g-word.”
“Fine,” he pouted like a child. “I won’t tell you. But don’t you think it’s worth exploring? Even just a little?”
She sighed impatiently, “What do you want from me, Jim?”
“I don’t know…”
“Do you want to break up with this girl?” she dared. “Is that really what you want?”
He swallowed hard, “I don’t know.”
“Right,” she snarled, working hard to tame the petulance. “Here’s what I want. I want to be with you. And I don’t mean like this,” she half-laughed, gesturing back and forth between their bare bodies, “I mean…however it needs to be. If all we can ever be is friends, that’s fine. I don’t care. I’ll be whatever to you.”
Her self-sacrifice only made him fall further. It was love, even if hidden beneath disappointment and a bit of anger. She still cared for him the way she always had.
He was royally fucked.
“I just got you back,” she said softly.
He wrapped both arms around her, holding her body tightly to his, “I know.”
“Are you going to tell her?” she asked from within his coloured limbs.
He didn’t want to.
“I…don’t know,” he said with a heavy sigh. “I should probably…”
“She won’t let you see me,” Peyton noted. “Typical girlfriend reaction…Reasonable but not ideal.”
He stood at a crossroads but wasn’t ready to pick a direction. He wasn’t ready for the magnitude of the situation. Two days ago he’d been content with the direction of his life—he had no need to consider a separate course.
Peyton was at one end, Natalie at the other, and he was stuck somewhere in the middle.
“Can I voice a morally unpopular opinion?” Peyton asked once Jimmy had fallen into a reserved silence.
He nodded.
“If you tell her…You’ll rip us apart,” she said slowly. “And you’ll really hurt her…So…If you don’t want to break your life apart, I won’t either.”
His face flinched as her voice cracked.
“I’ll bury this, Wiley,” she told him. “If that’s what you want. I’ll bury it. We can be friends…This will be like it never happened…If that’s what you want.”
He didn’t know what he wanted.
That’s a lie.
He wanted Peyton.
But he wanted Natalie too…She hadn’t done anything to wrong him. She’d always been supportive and kind…Sweet and caring. She trusted him so much that it killed him to know he’d betrayed it. He wanted an easy way to have everything without having nothing.
But Peyton was right. She was leaving. She was temporary—Natalie had been permanent…she could be permanent.
With a shaky breath, he said, “It’s what I want.”
“Okay,” Peyton replied, masking her pain as her heart burst apart. “Then, this never happened…”
“I can’t lose you,” he told her sternly. “In any capacity. I can’t.”
She nodded.
“I’m so sorry,” he frowned down at her.
“Don’t be,” she replied as casually as possible.
A silence fell over them as they each retreated into their respective corners of their minds. Jimmy wrestled with his conscience, Peyton with her desires. Neither proved to be a victor, but they leaned further into each other to ease the pain of pulling apart.
“Lex?” Jimmy croaked, reaching down to lift her chin to meet his gaze. “Will you let me be selfish? Just for tonight?...”
She smiled faintly, pushing herself forward to collide her lips with his. They let it flow through them for a second, reveling in the chemistry they shared.
As Peyton pulled away, nestling herself back into Jimmy’s chest, she sighed.
“So…” she said awkwardly. “We can be friends?”
He nodded, tightening his hold on her, “Best friends.”
She wasn’t sure how he’d swing that with the girlfriend, but decided quickly that it wasn’t her problem. He had never been one to let anyone tell him what to do and she imagined that trait had very much persisted.
He ran his fingers absentmindedly through her hair, reveling in the soft strands as they passed through his grip. His guilt slipped away as he allowed himself to enjoy one night of indulgence; one night before he let her step away.
“For the record,” Jimmy spoke, clearing his throat of emotion. “…I don’t regret it. Not for one second.”
She glanced up at him, grinning a bit behind her heartache; though her heart wasn’t his to ache for.
“Thought you should know,” he added with a smirk.
“Good,” she declared, sliding up his torso slowly and planting a hand firmly on either side of his head. “Because I was just thinking...If we’re being selfish for one night only, we should make it count.”
A distinct grin spread across his coyote face as he hungrily reached up for her and pulled her back down with him, reigning supreme in the fight for dominance. As he spun her around and climbed atop, pushing himself into her all over again, he let her consume him.
They both knew it wasn’t their forever…But they were each desperately wishing that it was.

Notes

Oh, *Insert ship name here*.


Saint Peyton--am I right? You know, other than the blatant encouragement of infidelity. She's a saint.


xx

Comments

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RamonaFoREVer RamonaFoREVer
6/18/19

@fyction
It is one of my favourite things. I melt every time!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
6/11/19

@kiss my sas
I know! Isn’t it sweet?! Guh. Pellivan <3

fyction fyction
6/11/19

@fyction
BUT PELLIVAN IS TRUE LOVE!!!
I still get giddy when Peyton says 'I love you' to Jimmy... urgh! Such a long time coming!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
6/11/19

@kiss my sas
I mean.... Breyton could be revived... never say never ;)

fyction fyction
6/11/19