“Vi?” I called out shakily into the darkness, straining my eyes, but she’d disappeared. The fleeting vision of a bittersweet dream. I’d wanted to reach out to her and touch her, but she was standing just beyond my fingertips grasp. All too quickly, she’d turned and walked into the shadows, vanishing. I woke as the last of her light faded, unsure of whether I’d been dreaming. The empty silence answered that for me, though. I sat up, making sure not to wake Hallie, and waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. Although I knew it was a dream, there was a niggling urge to get up and look for Viola, just in case. I’d never given up hope that one day I’d wake up in my bed, and roll over to text her about this crazy dream that I’d had, but it never came. There was no snapping out of a day dream or waking in a sweat from a vivid nightmare. I just woke up in the same cruel world every time, with the same gnawing hunger, crippling anxiety and persistent worry.

I crept towards the kitchen of the house we’d holed up in for the night. The moonlight crept through the gaps in of the shutters, illuminating the room in an otherworldly light. Despite the ethereal glow, there were no ghosts here tonight. Disappointment crept in as I accepted that it really had just been a dream. I pulled out a chair and sat at the kitchen table, my head coming to rest in my hands. Despair came slithering into the room, stretching out its vines towards me. I felt my throat tighten with grief as the tendrils constricted around my heart.
“Viola?” I choked out, my voice thick with sorrow. “Can you hear me? I need you. I need you to come back. I can’t do this by myself.”
I dissolved into myself, the tears rolling down and my shoulders heaving with painful sobs. I was so lost without her. The loneliness was crushing, and the regret was all-consuming. I’d never had to take on the world without her guidance. She’d always led the way on every step of the journey. How was I supposed to continue on without my compass?

“Are you missing Mom?” Hallie called from the doorway. I looked towards her voice and was met with her curious look, head tilted to one side and Bunny tucked under her arm.
“Yeah,” I smiled weakly, wiping at my eyes. I didn’t want her to see me so clueless and afraid of the world. “I’m missing her, and your sister.”
“Me too,” Hallie replied, her voice as tiny as her frame. She wandered towards me, looking for comfort. I pulled her into my lap, biting my lip at her bony, sparrow-like figure. She leaned into me deeply as I encased her in my arms, trying to conjure an emotional fortress to safely lock her up in.
“Why are we still walking?” she asked, blinking up at me, innocently.
“I don’t really know,” I confessed, trying to think of a better reason than the one I had. Coming up with nothing, I admitted that I was oblivious. “I’m not sure what else to do. Your mom had a plan, so I’m just following that.”
She nodded, mulling it over before asking, “California?”
“That’s the one.” I tried to smile, but my lips worked against me, pulling downwards.
I didn’t really want to go anywhere near Cali anymore, but where else would we go? At least for now there was a goal in mind, as opposed to spinning out of control as we tried to survive in an unfamiliar place. She wrapped her arms around me, giving me a squeeze as she yawned deeply.
“Will you come back to bed?” she asked, “I don’t like being alone.”
“Of course I will, I’ll be there in a moment,” I replied, easing her down from my knee. She ambled back towards the corner that we’d transformed into a sleeping area in the lounge, rubbing her eyes as she did so. I just needed a moment longer with my solitude before retreating back to bed.

My eyes stung fiercely as I opened them to burning sunlight. The space next to me was empty, which was unusual. Hallie normally slept well into the afternoon if given the opportunity. The previous night’s events came trickling back, making me wince at the memory. Why am I such a jerk? I needed to find Jimmy and apologise. I sat myself up, my head pounding in protest. Crying all night gave a worse hangover than any amount of alcohol could. I tried to shake off the blanket of weariness I was wrapped in and muster up the courage to face him.
“You’re up,” Hallie smiled from the doorway.
“So are you,” I returned, unable to hide my surprise.
“If you’re wondering why I’m up early, I’m not. You’re up late,” she smirked, enjoying my unusual tardiness. “What time were you even up til last night?”
“I don’t know, not that long after you,” I answered, shrugging.
“Were you up with Jimmy?” she asked, almost pointedly.
“Only briefly, why?” I swallowed, hoping she wasn’t going to linger on the subject. She made her way over to the bed and sat next to me.
“Just asking,” she replied, obviously holding back more than she was letting on. “Last night was fun.”
I smiled faintly, “It sure was.”
Until I bitched out Jimmy, I thought.
“I really like it here,” she tested, judging my expression from the corner of her eye. I didn’t answer. She played with one of her ringlets, pulling it down and letting it spring back up to its tight curl, as she worked up the courage to utter, “Auntie Maz… I want to stay.”
I turned this over in my mind for a moment, because, really, I sorted of wanted to stay as well. This place felt safer than anywhere we’d stayed for a long time. There was power, food and protection, not to mention comfort and good company. It certainly beat running from place to place, hoping nothing caught you while you were sleeping, and scrounging for food while you slowly starved to death. There was safety here, and a chance for Hallie to have fun. And there was Jimmy too... Shut up, brain.
“I think I want to stay as well,” I finally admitted. Hallie beamed at my revelation, throwing herself over and wrapping her arms around me in a suffocating hug.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she gushed, squeezing me.
“Ok, ok,” I laughed, peeling her off of me and laying back down. “Now you can play all the video games you want.”
“Yeah, I can,” she burst out, triumphantly. “I’m gonna kick Brian’s ass!”
I smiled as she launched into a lengthy speech on the topic of Brian’s gaming abilities, watching her face light up as she spoke animatedly. If the key to her happiness was as simple as this, then who was I to fight against it?
“And you can see more of Jimmy,” she dropped in at the end of her prattling, looking at me expectantly. I’d not been particularly listening to her rambling, but that name certainly caught my attention.
“What?” I bolted upright as she smiled mischievously. “What do you mean?”
“I saw you last night,” she said casually, as though it explained everything.
“What did you see last night?” I pressed, staring at her.
She tilted her head, “I saw you looking at him when we were dancing.”
“So?” I relaxed, thankful she’d not seen our altercation.
“So it’s obvious you like him,” she finished, waiting eagerly for my response.
“I don’t,” I protested quickly, which she met with an eye roll.
“You so do,” she insisted, “Why don’t you just try, like, kissing him or something?”
I blushed furiously, “Hallie! First off, I don’t like him. Secondly, I’m not taking dating advice from someone who’s never had a boyfriend.”
“I’ve had a boyfriend,” she retorted, haughtily. “I dated Nicky Hayes in third grade, and we kissed once for eight seconds.”
“Eight seconds huh?” I raised an eyebrow, trying to suppress my smirk.
“Yeah, Emily timed us.”
I snorted at her credentials, causing her to scowl at me.
“Sorry!” I laughed as she pouted, “I’m just not sure that kissing for 8 seconds qualifies you as a relationship counsellor.”
“Whatever,” she sassed, getting up from the bed. “Are you coming downstairs or what?”
I waved her off, “Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.”

After she'd flounced off, I swung my legs out of bed and sighed at the misting of blood that had crept through my jeans. At least I’d picked up more than one pair from the plaza. After I’d switched them out for a fresh set - making a note to soak the original pair in an attempt to save them - I traipsed over to the window and looked out at the scenery. Much of Huntington Beach looked untouched, its palms still standing proudly and the ocean still lapping at the shore. I could see why they’d chosen to stay here of all places, it was like nothing had ever happened. It was almost like you were on holiday from the craziness of the real world. The sun was almost overhead, meaning I’d slept until nearly noon. Fuck. That’s what I get for staying up late to cry. What a waste of time on a stupidly pointless activity, I scolded myself. I pulled on a fresh tee and brushed my hair out, reminding myself to seek out Brian’s product stash when I had a chance. Pulling my hair back into a pony tail, I thought long and hard about how divine hairspray would be right about now. I was finally ready to go down to join Hallie but I hesitated, I wasn’t ready to see Jimmy. My memory of last night was emotionally charged and patchy, but even so I knew I’d been completely vile to him. I owed him an even bigger apology than I had done last night. Despite having taken an intense interest in my hoodie zip, I couldn’t put off seeing him any longer, so I headed for the stairs.

There was bubbly chatter coursing through the house from various places, Hallie’s distinctively squeaky voice was overpowering the others in the kitchen so I set off in that direction. I looked into the lounge as I skulked past, catching a glimpse of Zach and Matt mashing buttons on controllers, engaged in some kind of fighting game. Simultaneously, there was a whoop from Zach and a loud groan from Matt.
“Heihachi is undefeatable,” Zach teased, smugly.
“You don’t play properly,” Matt protested. “You just smash your fingers into the controller, you button basher.”
“Well, I don’t see ‘playing properly’ netting you any wins,” Zach retorted. This was followed closely by a grunt as Matt launched a cushion at him. I smiled at the scene that was playing out before me.
“I catch you spying a lot,” a voice came softly from behind me. It was undeniably Jimmy, his lisp was incriminating. I turned to face him. He stood awkwardly, his usual confidence had deserted him and he looked as though he didn’t really know what to do with himself. I bit my lip as I searched for words that weren’t making themselves easily available. Anything would have been good at this point as we’d been standing in silence for a moment, but I’d temporarily been rendered mute.
“Hi,” I eventually managed. An appalling attempt at conversation, but an attempt nonetheless.
“Hi,” he replied, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. We stared at each other for a few seconds before Jimmy gave me a clumsy tap on the arm and wandered off into the lounge.
Okay, that could have been worse, I guess. The tap on the arm was… weird, though. A shriek of laughter belonging to Hallie burst out from the kitchen, breaking me from my hypnosis, so I dutifully followed it.

Brian and Hallie were flicking Lucky Charms at each other from across the table with their spoons.
“Christ, don’t let Jimmy catch you doing that,” I laughed, watching Hallie nail Brian square on the end of his nose.
“Don’t waste the food of the gods,” Brian lisped in almost perfect imitation, setting Hallie off into more giggles. “Perhaps he shouldn’t leave them out to be tampered with.”
I found the coffee as the rowdy battle continued, enjoying Hallie’s newfound friendship. It briefly crossed my mind that Brian made an admirable and adorable amount of effort with her, and I made a note to thank him. She was clearly relishing having an older brother figure in her life. I sat at the table – at the far end from the cereal war – to enjoy the action, and sipped at my coffee as thoughts of Jimmy played on my mind more than I liked to admit.

Notes

SHOUT OUT NICKY HAYES WHO I KISSED FOR 8 SECONDS IN THIRD GRADE!
Real life inspiration is the best.