I dug the dirt and grit out from under my fingernails as we travelled towards the state line, minus one. My hands and nails were stained with earthy tones from digging a hole in the gritty soil. I’d scraped at the ground until my fingers had blistered and the sun had long sunk below the horizon. Viola was silent next to me as she drove. She was focused, her movements robotic and emotionless in a way that was extremely familiar. I’d been the very same as I’d plunged my hands into the dirt, desperate to focus on anything other than the painful replay that was looping in my head. She’d not said a word since we’d started the car. It had taken a lot to coax her out of the centre, but finally she did appear, arms filled with the lifeless bundle of fabric that contained the tiny body of her daughter. Her eyes were swollen and red, fresh tears springing up as she saw the small grave I’d carved into the earth. She clutched Esther to her body tightly, not wanting to let go of her. I didn’t rush her, I couldn’t bear the thought either. It all felt like a dream, and I clung to the idea that that was all it was, just a bad dream. More than that. It was a nightmare.

“I can’t do it,” she croaked, staring numbly at the hole meant for her daughter. “I can’t put her in there.” The tears that had been threatening to spill over suddenly came thick and fast as she held her baby against her. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like my emotions had been switched off, like I was just going through the motions as if this were a normal occurrence in my life. Maybe I was broken? I watched my sister weep into her daughter’s curls and tried to connect myself to the moment, but the emotion wouldn’t come. Instead I stood there awkwardly, numbly. Viola continued to sob and I turned away, ashamed of my unfeelingness, until I was facing the car. Hallie… I’d forgotten all about her. She was staring out at the events that were unfolding before her and bawling. I approached the car with the intention of comforting her, but as I climbed into the back seat and pulled her into my arms, I still couldn't make my brain work. We clung to each other tightly as she cried, both understanding that maybe there were just no words for right now. There was no pushing this away and pulling ourselves together, each of our hearts were broken for the loss of a daughter, a sister, and a niece.

Viola approached the edge of the grave and dropped to her knees. Each movement was slow and drawn-out, as she battled with what she was doing. She leaned forward, lingering briefly as she kissed the top of Esther’s head, and then lowered her into the last place she would ever see her. I tried to turn Hallie away from it, but she watched every second. Every sweeping fistful of dirt, every tear and droplet of sweat on her mother’s face, until her sister had been hidden beneath the dirt, never to surface again. Only then did she turn into me, and sob against my chest. Her pain cracked my silence.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered into her hair again and again as I held her tightly. This was all my fault, it was my doing. I wasn’t sure that Hallie would be clinging to me quite so tightly if she knew just how Esther had come to be in that grave... She’d never be able to look at me the same way, just as Viola wouldn’t. It was a mutual feeling as well as an understanding though; I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to look either of them in the eye ever again, and I’d never be able to look at my own reflection. I was fearful of what I might see looking back.

I don’t know how many seconds, minutes passed by while we remained as we were - Hallie and I melded together, and Viola doubled over with pain at her daughter’s graveside. With tremendous effort, I pulled myself from the trance-like state. We needed to move, or at least get ourselves somewhere safe. Viola was a sitting duck in her current state.
“Wait here,” I whispered to Hallie, as I shifted myself over to the car door. I opened it gently, not wanting to disturb Viola’s grief earlier than necessary. It was late enough now that there was a chill in the air, and it was becoming difficult to make out her form in the dark. I tiptoed over to her, trying to ignore the feeling of guilt that was spiking with each quiet sob she emitted. I placed my hands on her shoulders, unsure of what else to do.
“We need to go,” I urged, softly. She said nothing. I knelt down in the dirt beside her. In her hands, she tightly gripped Bunny, Esther’s little pink rabbit that had gone everywhere with her, until now. I wrapped my arms around her and gently encouraged her to her feet. She didn’t look at me, or say a word, while I led her away. She let me guide her to the car without a fight, but that almost hurt more than if she’d resisted. I was holding the pieces of a broken woman in my arms, and I wasn’t sure she could ever be put back together.

Once she was sat in the driver’s seat, I slotted myself in beside her. I wasn’t sure that she should be driving, but with my arm feeling less than reliable, it was our only option.
Before she turned the key, she took a deep breath and twisted in her seat to face Hallie, who still had tears rolling freely down her face.
“Your sister, she can’t come with us…” Viola began, her voice cracking. She took a moment to compose herself and then continued numbly, “She was sick because that man touched her, so you do what we say at all times and don’t let anyone near you, okay? I can’t lose another daughter.”
She pushed Bunny into Hallie's arms, turned back to the front and fell into silence. Hallie whimpered as she clutched Bunny tightly, but no one had anything to add. The weight of Esther’s death made the atmosphere thick, and we were all choking on it with no way to come up for oxygen. The engine of the car ignited into life, and Viola pulled away, away from her youngest daughter forever.

Hallie was still snoring lightly when I poked my head around the door. Thinking better of waking her, something that I knew for sure that I’d regret, I descended the stairs towards the chatter rising from the kitchen. The intense aroma of coffee sucked me in as I neared, setting alight a yearning deep within my heart. It had been my first love, and had remained the keeper of my heart since the first sip. It beckoned me into the welcoming kitchen, currently occupied by Zach, and a hungover Johnny and Matt. I didn’t pay them much attention – I was completely distracted by the pot of coffee steaming away on the table.
“Morning,” Zach smiled, as he gestured to the pot. “Want one?”
“Is the pope Catholic?” I quipped, grabbing an empty mug from the counter and filling it almost to the brim. I sat myself at the table and took in the sheer size of the kitchen. They’d certainly picked a luxurious place to act as their fort.
“No Jimmy or Brian?” I asked, their absence – particularly Jimmy’s – making the room a little quieter than it should have felt.
“Jimmy won’t be up for a while,” Matt snickered from behind his coffee, eyeing me. “You seem fresh as a daisy though, obviously went to bed at an appropriate time in comparison.”
“And I slept well,” I shrugged, a little smile playing on my lips at the thought of Jimmy’s self-induced suffering. I sipped at the dark nectar in my hands. It was freshly ground, almost freshly brewed and it was heavenly. I hadn’t had coffee that good in a long, long time. The appreciation obviously showed on my face, because my expression elicited a smirk from Zach.
I waved a hand at him, playfully, “It’s been a while.”
“I can see,” he grinned back. At that moment, Brian appeared from outside, wearing overalls. I couldn’t decide if he looked ridiculous or handy. I was swaying towards ridiculous due to the fact that they were coupled with his painstakingly well-styled hair. He wiped his hands down on them before nodding a ‘morning’ at me and grabbing his coffee mug from the windowsill.
“Generator’s done,” he announced between deep draughts from his mug. He glanced over at the doorway suddenly and smirked. “You’re up then?”

A drawn-out groan sounded from behind me, and then the chair next to me was dragged out and ungracefully occupied with a flump by Jimmy, who immediately set his forehead down on the table.
“No noise please,” he mumbled from under his bird’s nest of hair. Of course, the rest of them took this as an invitation to make as much noise as possible, Johnny even going as far as to bang a pair of saucepans together. It was an amusing activity to everyone but Jimmy – and Hallie.
“Ugh,” was all she managed as she appeared in the doorway. The noise trailed off as the group lost interest, having successfully ruined Jimmy’s morning, or what was left of it anyway.
“You want breakfast?” Zach offered, looking between the both of us. Jimmy raised a hand limply, despite the fact that his request had not been invited.
“Lucky Charms,” he groaned, still not lifting his head from the table. Zach rolled his eyes and fished the box out of the cupboard, dumping it unceremoniously on the table beside Jimmy.
“What would you do without me, Jim?” he teased, as Jimmy’s hand tipped the box onto its side and wandered in in search of the cereal.
“Starve,” he replied simply, popping a marshmallow piece into his mouth. Hallie yawned and then quickly advanced towards the box that Jimmy was intermittently stuffing his hand into.
“Right, that’s you two sorted. Marina?” Zach asked, looking at me expectantly. I gave him a sheepish smile before reaching a hand over Jimmy's form towards the Lucky Charms.
“Oh great,” Johnny rolled his eyes at the three of us, “More people to reinforce Jimmy’s addiction.”
Matt drained the last of his coffee and let out a laugh, “Don’t pretend you’ve never dipped into that box, Christ.”
Another weird name. These guys were odd, sometimes.

“So,” I smiled, “Beer and coffee? You guys have it pretty good here, huh?”
“Well, only because Brian’s handy with electrics,” Zach answered, digging out a box of Poptarts. Hallie’s eyebrows shot upwards as she caught sight of them. He tossed her a pack with a grin. “All American breakfasts available here,” he joked, as she tore the packet open with vigour.
“I presume that means you got the power hooked up to this place?” I asked, looking over to Brian as I grabbed another handful from the box, much to Jimmy’s disapproval. Clearly he was protective of his limited supply of the sugary cereal.
Brian nodded, “Yep. I know just enough about it to sort us out with life’s necessities.”
“And necessities they are,” Jimmy piped up with a tad more enthusiasm, lifting his head from the table. “I need a mug,” he whined, shooting some beautiful puppy eyes Zach’s way.
“None of us got our own personal server,” Matt jested, digging at Jimmy. He got a middle finger in return, and a smug look as a mug was plonked down before the subject of his joke. Jimmy poured himself a cup of much-needed caffeine and retrieved another handful of Lucky Charms. They were now disappearing at an alarming rate, the initial pickings obviously giving him just enough of a sugar rush to tackle breakfast with more vim.
“You wanna go shopping today?” he mumbled at me through a mouthful.
“Shopping?” I repeated, dumbly, quickly becoming aware that the boys were all exchanging knowing looks of amusement amongst themselves.
“Yeah, you know, going into stores and… robbing? Is it robbing if no one’s there anymore? I don’t think it technically counts as stealing. Doubt we’ll go to hell for it. So you wanna go?” Jimmy rambled away, partly to himself I think.
“What for?” I asked, still not really getting it.
“Well, you’ve demolished half my sacred supply of Lucky Charms for a start,” he grumbled, “so you can help me find more; but also, your clothes are gross.”
I looked down at myself, feeling mildly offended, but he had a point. My jeans were ripped and scuffed, and the tank top that I’d worn for a pretty long time now was looking rather grubby and stained.
“You’ll take the offer if you care for your sanity,” Matt informed me, “Jimmy without Lucky Charms in the morning is fucking annoying.”
“Rude,” Jimmy scoffed, narrowing his eyes at Matt. He turned to me with a shrug. “It’s true, though, so I guess that means you’re coming.”
I looked over at Hallie but she let out a laugh before I could even suggest her company on the trip.
“No way,” she shook her head, rising from the table. “I’m going back to bed.”
I looked to the rest of the boys, but they were all shaking their heads as well.
“I’m not going on a fucking Lucky Charms run,” Johnny laughed, eliciting a chorus of snickering from the small crowd in the kitchen.
“Sorry,” Matt smirked, “you’re on your own.”
Jimmy cast a glower around the kitchen at their amusement, “A Lucky Charms run is a necessity of survival.”
I poured myself another coffee and wearily relented, “Fine. I’ll go with you on your hunt. Coffee first, though."
"Of course," Jimmy replied as though he was doing me a gracious favour, before giving me a winning smile. "This is gonna be fun."

Notes

Well, looks like we're about to dip our toes into Revarina. I wonder if there will be any blossoming of relationships? After all, a shared appreciation of Lucky Charms is surely a sign that something more could come?