“I love this one too,” I murmured, tracing the outline of the tattoo on her hip. She squirmed as the movement of my fingers tickled her. “You’re fucking beautiful, Aubrey, you know that?”
“Synyster Gates, you hopeless romantic,” she teased, a mischievous smile upon her face. I climbed over her and settled in between her thighs, planting kisses along her collar bone as I leaned over her. She put her hands either side of my face and pulled me to her.
“You’re never going anywhere, right?” she asked, her amethyst eyes twinkling.
My lips lingered over hers, as I promised, “Never.”

“Everybody’s going to burn and it’s your fault,” Aubrey hissed at me, as somewhere in the distance a door slammed, bringing me into the present.
“We’ll arrange for an ambulance to transport Aubrey to White Oaks. It’s a psychiatric institution about an hour from here,” Dr Reed’s voice shot through my memory.
“An hour? Isn’t there somewhere closer?” I asked, looking up at him. He shook his head apologetically, before turning to Aubrey.
“Ms. Wilson,” he said, speaking more softly than he had for most of the conversation. “Do you understand what is happening? Do you need me to explain anything to you?”
Aubrey turned to look at me, her eyes conveying her loathing. If I thought I could still find a shadow of the woman I loved behind them, I was wrong.
“You’re leaving me. Caging me up like a dog because you’re jealous that I was chosen instead of you. Well, I won’t help you when Satan comes for your soul. Don’t you dare come crawling back to me, Brian, not ever,” she spat, turning away abruptly, refusing to look at me any longer. I didn’t respond - what could I possibly say? I hoped that she would soon forget all of this, even if I would always remember it. I stood without a word, nodded my thanks to the doctor and left the room. Left Aubrey.

Adam jumped up as soon as I appeared. He saw my face twist as I closed the door behind me, and without question he put his arms around me firmly. I didn’t like him at all, perhaps unreasonably, but at that moment I didn’t care. I felt absolutely crushed and I cried like a fucking baby right there in the corridor. After a few moments, Adam loosened his arms and gently gave me a shove towards the exit.
“Come on, let’s get you out of here,” he coaxed, propelling me forwards until my legs began moving by themselves. A nurse let us out of the unit, locking the door behind us. Though we were only meters apart, I’d never felt so disconnected from Aubrey. The cold, unfeeling woman in that office was not the one I knew. I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath. Now was not the time to lose it, I had to get back to Jimmy.
“You gonna be ok?” Adam’s voice came from beside me.
I nodded, “Yeah, I just need to get back to Jimmy.”
“Follow me,” he replied, instinctively knowing that I had zero idea of how to get back to Paediatrics. I walked a couple of paces behind him, trying to keep my breathing even. Trying not to think of what had just happened. What was happening. We’d been walking for a couple of minutes and things were starting to look familiar again. Soon we'd be back to Jimmy and Matt.

“Adam?” I called his name, stopping him in his tracks. “What do I do?”
He put his hands on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes.
“Get your son and go home. Call Matt, call your parents, call whoever you need to call to help you get through this.”
“What about Aubrey?” I interjected.
“Pack a bag for her. Where’s she being admitted?” he asked, obviously having worked out much earlier on than I had that she was going to be committed.
“White Oaks,” I answered, the words leaving a sour taste in my mouth as I spoke them.
“I know it, I’ll take it up for you. You need rest and Jimmy needs you.”
With that, he took his hands back and continued leading me to the children’s ward in silence.

“Bro,” Matt called, jumping out of his chair. “Jimmy can come home!” His goofy grin was the polar opposite to how I was feeling. He noticed my despondency. “Where’s Aubrey?”
“She’s not coming home for a bit,” I replied, not meeting his eye. He thought for a moment, and decided to leave the questions for later.
“Let’s get your boy home,” he smiled weakly, handing me the discharge paperwork. I delved into the bag to get some clean clothes out for Jimmy. I could feel the depression edging forwards, reaching its cold fingers out towards me. I fought it back as I dressed my son. I had to fight it, for Jimmy’s sake. He needed me to channel everything I had into his care. I couldn’t let grief get to me just yet. Gently pulling his little hat onto his head, I waved to Matt.
“Ready to go.”

Matt had had the good sense to bring my car, complete with Jimmy’s car seat. Once everyone was buckled in, he began the drive back stopping only briefly for formula milk. I just couldn’t face anything that required that much concentration right now, so driving was out of the question for me. I was teetering on the edge and waiting for something to push me off.
“You want me to call the boys?” Matt asked, stopping at a red light.
“If you want,” I replied, not really caring who or what would be in my house.
“I’ll call them, man. I’m no nanny, I’m gonna need help keeping Jimmy alive while you get some rest,” he joked, lightly, hinting at my need for sleep. I wasn’t offended. In fact, I was relieved. I was completely beat and needed a few hours to myself to try and sort through my head. I was grateful that Matt was by my side, without question, as I knew the other guys would also be. Flecks of rain hit the windshield as we pulled up in my driveway. Matt turned the key and let the engine die. I stared at the house in front of me. The last time I had been here wasn’t pleasant. The memory stung and I wondered if it would hang around forever, like a thorn in my side. Matt stepped out of the car to call the guys but I didn’t move for a while, reluctant to face the emptiness of the house.

Jimmy gurgled from the back of the car, as if to remind me of his existence. The noise jarred me into action and I got out of the car to collect him. I hauled his seat into the house and set it down. It was silent, save for both of our breathing. I felt silly for only just noticing it, but I’d not realised how much noise came with Aubrey. There were no light pitter-patter footsteps, no clattering from the kitchen as she prepared dinner, none of her abysmal, tone-deaf singing to the radio. The house felt empty in the worst way possible, the quiet constantly prodding and reminding me of how things were.
The door handle rattled as Matt entered the house. He quickly found me and gave me a sympathetic smile.
“Why don’t you go and get some rest? The boys are coming to help out with Jimmy," he lowered his voice. "Do you want me to fill them in?” he asked, gently.
“Yeah, please. I don’t think I can face telling people just yet. Are you sure you're ok with Jimmy?” I frowned, a little worried that my child was being left in the care of three men who had zero experience with children.
“Yeah dude, we’ll manage. What about you, are you ok?” he raised an eyebrow, and I couldn’t lie.
“Honestly? Of course not. I need to spend some time sorting my head out,” I trailed off, fully intending to retreat to the bedroom, but my mind had other ideas. Before I could stop myself, I leaned against the wall and opened my mouth again. “I just don’t get it, man. How did this happen? Things were so normal and then she flipped. She went from baking fucking cookies to nearly drowning our son! Did I do something? Did I not do something? I was so wrapped up in myself, in the Rev, that I barely noticed Aubrey and Jimmy existed. Hell, I’ve been an asshat from the start, since before Jimmy was even born; and now I just keep circling back to it and thinking that I caused this. It was me, Matt. It’s all my fault,” I dissolved into tears for the second time that day and slid down the wall, hiding my face in my arms. Matt rushed to my side, and pulled me into him. I’d never been massively into man hugs, but I kept seeming to find myself in the middle of them today. He didn’t say anything, just let me cry like a fucking pansy. He eventually cleared his throat, speaking gruffly to make up for my current lack of masculinity.

“If Jim was here, he’d be firing peas out of his nose to make you laugh or some shit,” he said, finishing with a quiet laugh. As devastated as I was, the imagery that had popped into my head was insanely funny and I couldn’t help but crack my face with a smile.
“Hey, Synyster,” Matt lisped, in an amazing impersonation of the Rev himself. "Check this shit out! Look how far this pea goes!”
I began laughing so hard that I wasn’t sure anymore whether the tears on my face were of joy or sorrow. Matt was pretending to shoot peas out of his nose, which, without the peas present, just looked ridiculous. We didn’t even hear the door open. The two of us were practically rolling on the floor laughing when we were interrupted by the two men at the door.
“Have you guys lost it?” Johnny asked, bemused. Zacky was also eyeing us, clearly wondering what they’d just walked in on. Matt eventually managed to stop cackling and I dried my eyes with my sleeve. He gave me a light shove.
“Go to bed, dude. We got this covered. How hard can it be with the three of us?” He gave a shrug before going over to get Jimmy out of his car seat. I lingered in the doorway for a moment, watching him fumble.
“Red button,” I informed him, as he struggled.
“I knew that,” he countered with a wicked grin, finally unclipping Jimmy. I pushed myself to leave them before I lost my nerve.

I got into bed and closed my eyes, trying to ignore the empty space next to me. I had a lot to think about, but right now I was so exhausted that all I could do was sleep.

Notes

Aww, Brian. Things will get better... right?

Sorry I've been lacking updates this weekend. We're renovating a house and sometimes shit just gets crazy busy!