Life After Death

The three of us sat, wrapped in insulating blankets. Aubrey’s ranting and raving that had been drifting out of the ambulance was slowing down, eventually it came to a complete halt. I peeked around Adam’s shoulder into the ambulance and saw her looking drowsy. Adam noticed me watching her and gave me a sympathetic smile.
“Sedative,” he explained.
“What’s going to happen to her?” I asked, my heart aching at the sight of her.
“The paramedics will take her to hospital. I don’t know for sure Brian, but it’s highly likely that she’ll be admitted. You’ll have to cope with Jimmy alone for a while,” he said quietly, avoiding my gaze. I couldn’t understand what was going on, what had happened to Aubrey. A hurricane of questions was tearing apart my mind. The paramedics approached.
“Does someone want to go with her?” one of them asked. I glanced back at Jimmy, who appeared to have quite recovered from the ordeal. He was snuggling into Matt’s huge arms whilst the paramedics checked him over. They both needed me right now, I was so torn.
“Do you want me to go?” Adam offered, sensing my turmoil. “I can keep you updated as everything happens.”
With a heavy heart, I agreed. I couldn’t leave Jimmy, and someone needed to be with Aubrey. He climbed into the back of the ambulance, sitting beside her. He gave me a nod as they closed the doors on them.

I sat in the back of the ambulance with Jimmy as it set off at a leisurely pace towards the hospital. His vitals were all fine apart from his temperature which, predictably, was a little low. Aubrey had thankfully refrained from completely dunking him into the water, which made all the difference.
I was fine physically, if not a little cold still. Mentally though, I was a wreck. I replayed how everything could have gone in my head a thousand times, each time the end scenario getting worse and worse. Normally at a time like this, I would have spoken to the Rev, but all of this was the ever-painful reminder that he was not here, and never would be again. He would have known just what to say to make things better, and then he would have said something that would have had me roaring with laughter. I closed my eyes and imagined that he was here, that he was talking to me about whatever popped into his head like he usually did. I imagined him laughing, pulling me into a hug, cracking a silly insult at me. All of the things that I loved him for. The world felt incredibly dull and lonely when I opened my eyes, save for baby Jimmy, who fidgeted and fussed in my arms.
“We’ll be there soon Jimjam, we’ll get you better,” I whispered, gently hushing him. “And when you are better, we’ll get your mommy better too.”

I met Matt at the hospital, he’d gone back to my home to collect some things before driving here. Aubrey and Adam were nowhere to be seen in the ER as we waited. Eventually a nurse fetched us and we were taken to paediatrics for Jimmy to be observed and treated. They placed him in an incubator to warm him. He looked so tiny and fragile, totally unaware of the huge event that just had centred around him. Matt had brought a change of clothes in for me, which I was incredibly grateful for. I went to the nearest bathroom and 5 minutes later, emerged feeling a thousand times more comfortable. When I returned to the ward, a doctor was looking over Jimmy who was rather fractious at this point. Matt smiled at me as I approached.
“All good so far, brother,” he mouthed, with a thumbs up. The doctor finished checking Jimmy over and turned to me.
“You’re the father?” she asked, scanning her paperwork.
“Yes,” I confirmed, “Brian Haner.”
“Great. I’m Dr. Harrison and I’ll be taking care of your son whilst he’s here. He’s looking good so far but we want to keep him for a few more hours for observation. You should be able to take him home this evening, though. I understand that mom was breastfeeding?” she asked, almost apologetic for bringing it up. I nodded in reply and she gave me a sympathetic smile.
“I’m afraid you will have to switch to formula, at least temporarily. I’ll get a feed sorted for you, he must be ravenous,” she remarked, looking over at Jimmy who was waving his fists as he made little grunts. She smiled at me again before disappearing off to another patient. Shortly after she left, a young nurse turned up with a small bottle of formula. After making sure we had everything that we needed, she too headed off, leaving Matt, Jimmy and myself alone. I lifted Jimmy out of the incubator and settled him in my arms. I’d never fed him before. Normally, I would have been ecstatic at the chance, but the circumstances tainted what would have otherwise been a joyful event. I hovered the bottle at his tiny, pink lips until he opened them and hungrily began gulping from the bottle. I lost myself in thought as he fed.
“We’ll all help out,” Matt interjected, “for however long it takes to get Aubrey home. You’ve got me, Zach and Johnny. You know that, right? We’re your family and we’re here for you.”
“Yeah, I know,” I replied, quietly, appreciating his support.
“Are you ok? Everything must have been pretty scary in the ocean,” he probed, gauging my reaction.
I shrugged, “I guess so. I don’t really want to think about it right now.”
“Understood,” he nodded at me and let it rest. We were disturbed by Adam appearing, dressed in fresh clothing. He sent me a look of acknowledgement before heading over to the on-duty doctor. They chatted lightly, obviously good friends as well as colleagues.
“Alright,” I heard him call as he walked in our direction, “Thanks, Kerry.”
He approached us and smiled at Jimmy, happily feeding in my arms.
“Someone’s looking happier,” he noted, before switching his gaze to me. “Brian, when you’re done, I’ll be waiting outside for you.”
I nodded and turned back to Jimmy. I wanted to relish a moment’s peace with him before hearing what Adam had to say, as I was all too aware that I wouldn’t like it.

Jimmy’s feed ended too soon. I placed him careful back in the incubator, leaving him under the watchful eye of Matt as I went to find Adam. It didn’t take long to spot him, leaned against the wall in the ward reception. He gestured for me to follow him.
“Let’s go somewhere more private,” he suggested, leading me out to a quiet corridor. He leaned against the wall again - apparently a standard pose for him - and looked up at the ceiling, clearly trying to find the words for what he wanted to say.
“Aubrey,” I prompted him, impatiently. “Is she ok?”
His mouth pulled down at the corners and he heaved a sigh.
“They’re treating her hypothermia first. She’s still sedated, but she’s responding well,” he paused, before looking directly at me. “Brian, what I saw today, was… not good.”
“You’re telling me,” I replied, casting my eyes down at the floor. “I don’t actually understand what’s going on, Adam,” I admitted, shifting my feet. Adam looked at me sympathetically. I wish everyone would stop doing that. I didn’t need their pity, I needed answers.
“Aubrey’s not well. She will probably need to be sectioned and treated as an inpatient,” he informed me, his voice grave.
“What’s wrong with her?” I asked, then following my question with almost a whisper. “Was it my fault? Did I do something?”
Adam shook his head, sorrowfully, “It’s no one’s fault, Brian. It’s just one of those things.”
“So what’s happened?” I pressed, still not totally clear. No seemed to want to tell me what was going on, and I was getting frustrated.
“There’s no official word yet, but I imagine that when she is seen by a psychiatrist they will diagnose postpartum psychosis,” Adam began, looking to me. I stayed quiet, so he continued. “It’s not common at all, but it can be triggered by any manner of things. In Aubrey’s case, probably the emotional stress of your friend’s passing. I think you will agree that she’s clearly had delusional beliefs surrounding Jimmy. I suspect she hasn’t been sleeping well either? Maybe erratic bursts of energy too?”
I didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t wrong but it didn’t make it easier to hear. I was basically being told that the mother of my child had been behaving like a crackpot and I’d not realised. I ran through the events of the past 3 weeks in my mind, trying to identify the turning point and how I maybe could have stopped it. It was difficult to think of anything that wasn’t Jimmy’s death, though. Adam stood awkwardly to my side, waiting for me to come back to reality. I realised I had to go and see her. Baby Jimmy would be safe and happy with Matt for now.
“Can you take me to her?” I asked, looking at Adam pleadingly. He nodded and set off down the corridor at a gentle pace. I followed behind in silence, not sure what it was that I was about to face.

Notes

Poor Brian. The gravity of the situation is starting to sink in, I think.