Life After Death

“I’ve been reading Jane Austen,” Lily announced, looking up from our game of Snakes And Ladders - her current favourite.
“And?” I encouraged, landing my counter on a ladder square and sliding it up.
“And it’s good,” she replied, shaking the die in her small hands.
I raised my eyebrows, “And?”
“And what?” she retorted, tumbling the die across the board and moving her counter along the squares.
“That’s all?” I asked, snickering as she moved her counter down a snake with a groan.
“Well,” she began, “since you’re asking, no, that’s not all. I’ve been reading Pride and Prejudice very closely, and I think I’ve discovered something that no one has ever seen before.”
“Oh?” I probed, taking my turn. I hit the longest damn snake on the board, sending my counter halfway back down the board. Lily would normally have whooped with glee at this, but she was now fully engrossed in telling me about Jane Austen’s secret messages about time travel. She was so convicted in her theories that you could almost believe her if the subject matter wasn’t so ridiculous.
“And Bingley,” she powered on, pausing for dramatic effect, “is a space traveller from the future.”
“Wow, how about that,” I grinned, letting her ramble on. Her counter finally reached the top of the board, interrupting her flow.
“Oh,” she exclaimed, her disappointment evident. “First one back to the bottom?”
“Absolutely,” I agreed, “Usual rules?”
“Up the snakes, down the ladders,” she confirmed, before excitedly launching back into her Aliens And Prejudice theory. Her wild dark hair bounced about as she chattered away, pausing only to take her turn at the game which I was losing miserably at.
“Aubrey, time to see Dr Sykes,” Nurse Nathan informed, breaking up our fun.
“Ugh, I don’t want to see Dr Sykes,” I grumbled, standing from my seat and casting Lily an apologetic glance.
“Good luck,” she grimaced, “don’t tell her about Pride and Prejudice.”
I gave her a small smile, “I won’t.”

“So Aubrey, I see you’re still on 24 hour watch,” Dr Sykes looked up from her notes, peering at me from over her glasses. “Are you still having suicidal thoughts? The nurses told me they found more notes in your bedside drawer.”
“I wouldn’t be writing them if I wasn’t here,” I retorted, glaring at her.
“I understand it’s a difficult adjustment to make,” she agreed, keeping her voice irritatingly monotone. “So you are still having those thoughts then?”
I shrugged, not giving anything away. She scribbled a long note down, pursing her lips in concentration.
“Nurse Williams recorded that you’ve been happier in general though, would you agree?”
“I guess so,” I mumbled, straining my eyes to try and read her scrawl.
“How are you finding your medication now? Side effects settling down?” she queried, shifting in her seat and ignoring my curiosity. “You were having racing thoughts, drowsiness, restlessness; are those settling?”
“My legs are still jittering,” I admitted, reluctantly, “but I’m more awake now.”
“And how about your thoughts about your son? Do you still feel he is ‘special’, as you put it?” she asked, her head tilted.
I pursed my lips at her patronising tone.
“My son is special,” I countered, “I know he is.”
“And how do you know he’s special?” she pressed, looking to me for the answer.
“Because…” I faltered, feeling less sure than usual, “because God showed me. He gave me signs, like Jimmy’s halo.”
“Aubrey, we’ve discussed before about how you weren’t a believer in God prior to Jimmy’s birth. Perhaps we could explore this a little more. If you took God out of the equation, do you think that maybe you mistook natural coincidences for signs?” she asked, leaning forward over her notes.
“I… I don’t… No, it happened, it definitely happened,” I insisted, though my tone betrayed my lack of conviction in my statement.
“A light illuminated him,” Dr Sykes read from her notes.
“Yes, exactly.”
“So could this have just been a ray sunlight, coincidentally falling on Jimmy’s face?” she prompted, waiting on my reaction.
I blinked a few times as I processed the question, picking it apart to find a hidden meaning. I wasn’t so sure any more about the answer. The psychiatrist watched my face twist.
“It’s okay to find it confusing,” she comforted, “you’re experiencing a lot of changes, especially as your medication is beginning to work.”
“I don’t understand anything anymore,” I answered, looking down at my hands.
“Give it time,” she smiled, before glancing at her watch. “Okay, we can finish there for today. I’m happy with how you’re doing, Aubrey. I’ll speak to the nurses to arrange for you to go for a walk with your family, if you like? You’ll have to stay on the grounds, and you’ll be escorted of course, but it’s something to think about.”
“Really?” I asked excitedly as she nodded. “Thank you!”
“Nathan will take you back to the ward.”
I stood from the chair and made my way to the door.
Dr Sykes called out, “Oh, and Aubrey?” I looked over my shoulder at her. “Don’t run this time.”
I grinned sheepishly and turned back to the door.

“Hey!” Lily greeted me, waving wildly as soon as I walked through the door. “There’s someone in the visitor’s room for you!”
“Really?” I bubbled with excitement, “Who? I’m not expecting anyone.”
“Not Brian. That other guy,” she furrowed her brow, “Alan?”
My heart sank, “Adam.”
“Oh yeah, that guy,” she nodded vigorously. I groaned in exasperation. I hadn’t seen him since our kiss and I hadn’t planned on seeing him any time soon. Pushing the door open to the visitor’s room, I wandered in reluctantly.
“Aubrey,” Adam exclaimed, standing on my arrival.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, eyeing him wearily.
“I wanted to talk to you. We left things on an awkward note last time,” he explained, looking at me hopefully. “Will you sit?”
I took the chair next to his and pulled my feet up, hugging my knees to my chest. He waited for me to get comfy before starting.
“How are you?” he asked, leaning his elbows onto his knees.
“I’m ok,” I replied, cautiously. He nodded, before looking around the room, hesitating on his next words.
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since... I was last here,” he finally confessed, looking me in the eye. “I don’t know where to go from here.”
“I don’t know if I’m in the best place to make any decisions,” I murmured, breaking away from his uncomfortable gaze. “I’m so confused in here, Adam. Everything changing around me, and I’m struggling to keep up with it; but I think what happened between us was a mistake.”
His face fell, “A mistake?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know,” I sighed, burying my head in my hands.
“We had something before all of this, and now our paths keep crossing,” he smiled weakly, “don’t you think that means anything? Don’t you feel something for me?”
“Of course I do,” I groaned from my palms, “but I don’t know what I'm supposed to do with it or if it’s supposed to go anywhere.”
“Is it going anywhere with Brian?” he asked, reaching out to touch my arm. His warm fingertips danced against my skin, setting my nerves alight.
“I don’t know,” I admitted, “but I have Jimmy to think about as well.”
He withdrew his hand with a frown.
“I understand, Aubrey. Really, I do. I just feel like we’re fighting against something. Ever since we first met, life keeps bringing us back together. And that kiss...” he looked deeply into my eyes, with a sincere yearning.
“Adam,” I began, but he shook his head to stop me.
“I’ve said what I needed to say,” he mumbled, looking away. “You can call me if you want to talk.”
He stood, giving me one last longing look. It felt too much like goodbye, so I jumped up and threw my arms around him. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and squeezed for a moment before pulling back and raising his hands to my face.
“What are you doing to me, Aubrey?” he breathed, sweeping a thumb across the apple of my cheek and looking down into my eyes. I felt my cheeks flush, and pulled myself out of his grasp. He let his arms drop to his sides.
“I should never have walked away that night at your apartment,” he murmured, before turning on his heel and walking away. I followed him, stopping by Lily who was watching Adam’s departure, agog.
“That was crazy,” she muttered, putting an arm around me.
“Did you watch us?” I asked, my privacy feeling slightly violated.
“Yah, I always do,” she shrugged, “It’s better than Days Of Our Lives.”
“Are you saying my life is like a soap opera?”
“If it was on TV, I’d probably watch it,” she replied, casually. “Hey, you wanna finish Snakes and Ladders?”
I raised an eyebrow at her, but she was already setting the board up.
“Yeah, alright,” I relented, sitting down at the table. “You never finished telling me about Alien Bingley.”
Her eyes lit up and she launched back straight back in where we’d left off. I listened to her rabbit on delightedly, but my mind was elsewhere. Adam seemed to be particularly good at whipping up a whirlwind whenever he came around and somehow, I was beginning to get caught up in it.

Notes

I'm sorry I've neglected my first love! Life has been crazy (and you can also blame fyction who's been hounding me for Infected updates!)

PS Fuckin' Adam!