Life After Death

“I shouldn’t be here,” I informed her, jabbing a finger in her direction.
The psychiatrist said nothing, just jotted down more scribblings. More lies to keep me locked up.
“How have you been feeling?” she asked, looking over her glasses at me.
I scowled, “I want to leave.”
“I know, but we still need to help you,” she smiled sympathetically, only enraging me further. “How are you coping with the side effects of your medication?”
I stayed stony-faced, pursing my lips as I glared at her.
“I can see you’re having difficulties with sitting still,” she probed, eyeing my bouncing feet, “Are you finding that your thoughts are racing too?”
“I don’t need it. Please don’t make me take it,” I pleaded, breaking my façade. “I don’t like it.”
“Things will settle down, and before long you will feel the positive effects of it as well. For now though, you’ll have to work through the restlessness,” she paused, looking down at the papers in my lap. “The ward nurses say you’ve been sleeping a lot as well? The drowsiness is another side effect that will pass in time.”
“I don't mind that part. Sleep is the only escape I get from this place,” I spat, bitterly. “You’re trying to medicate me to keep me compliant, I know it.”
“The medication is an important part of your treatment, I’m afraid it’s a necessity,” she replied, simply, adding more scrawl to her paper. “Are you eating yet?”
I pressed my lips together again, refusing to answer, instead playing with a loose thread on my pyjama top.
She finished up scribbling and smiled pleasantly at me, “Alright, well if you have no questions, you can go back to the ward.”
I stood, not giving her any more of my time. Dave was waiting for me on the other side of the door.
“Ready to go, Aubrey?” he asked, his warm smile calming my ruffled feathers a little. I nodded, following him limply as he plodded back to the ward. He wasn’t really paying much attention, so I slowed my pace a little. My hands jittered by my side as I skimmed through the directional signs on the wall, trying to look for the way out without alerting him to my activity.
A fire exit. That would do. An exit is an exit, right?
I took my opportunity right as Dave looked down to check his fob watch. I’d always been a speedy runner, and I wasted no time in showcasing my talent as I took off.
“Hey!” Dave called out from behind me as I sped away. I heard his feet pick up pace as he threw himself into pursuing me. I kept up a good speed for a while, but my refusal to eat was coming to bite me in the ass and the light-headedness forced me to slow a little. Dave caught up easily and placed a hand on my arm, stopping me.
“Dammit Aubrey, I’m gonna have to write this up,” he complained, no doubt as disappointed with the black mark on my record as he was with the extra the paperwork that came with it.
“I just don’t want to go back there,” I shrugged, miserable and already too tired to fight him.
“I know you don’t. Come on,” he pressed, giving my arm a little tug back in the direction of the ward.

“Aubrey!”
Lily grinned widely as she saw Dave bringing me back to the day room. She was looking wild this morning, her jet black hair curling out of control and her green eyes electrifying.
“I need to tell you about this theory I’ve been working on all night,” she babbled excitedly. “It’s to do with the solar system. I was thinking about Jupiter and how it’s next to Saturn but because Saturn’s rings aren’t really rings it… why is your face red?”
“I ran,” I offered flimsily. Her mouth made an ‘o’ shape and her eyes blinked a few times before she sprung into action.
“How far did you get? What was it like? Did Dave catch you?” She hurled a torrent of questions at me as fast as she could, not stopping for answers. I managed to silence her with a hand on her mouth.
“I didn’t get out, it was demoralising, Dave caught me. Now, I’m going back to bed,” I yawned, traipsing off towards my room. Lily was about to follow me, but thankfully decided instead to pester a nurse about her space theory. She was loyal, but definitely easily distracted. I got myself as comfortable as I could on the hard, single bed and closed my eyes. As did often happen with my ‘naps’ though, I didn’t sleep. Instead I thought of my angelic son, left with no one to guide him. I was failing miserably at my mission, and it made me wonder if God had really chosen the right person for the task. Brian certainly wasn’t up to it. He didn’t even believe me. We’d had many arguments over the phone about it, usually resulting in me hanging up. It was infuriating. Oh shit. Brian. I’d forgotten that he was visiting today. I didn’t really want to see him now - not only because I was still furious with him for having me imprisoned here, but because I was ashamed of what had transpired during Adam’s last visit. My desperation for acceptance and feeling had pushed me to kiss him and I’d instantly felt the sting of his regret in the aftermath. It only served at this point to remind me how much I hated the both of them right now. There was a lingering guilt though, buzzing intrusively in the back of my brain. No matter how much the mere thought of Brian infuriated me, a small part of me was wasting no time in berating me for my actions. I tried to silence the dizzying conflict.
He didn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve your infidelity. Except he put you here. He doesn’t understand. He’s just jealous that you have a special connection with Jimmy and now you can't be there for your child when he needs your guiding hand.
I jerked upright, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. I grabbed the notebook and biro from my bedside table and scribbled manically as legs jittered. I had to get out of here, get away from everything. If I could escape, then I could be with Jimmy. If Jimmy was truly the heavenly being that I knew he was, then I would be able to guide him from the afterlife. I scrawled out plan after plan for my departure, rejecting them for various reasons. By the time a nurse came to fetch me for Brian’s visit, I was sitting amidst pages and pages of snubbed ideas.
“Your visitor is here,” she smiled, gesturing for me to follow her.

Brian was sat, staring intently out of the window. He looked just as handsome as ever, if not a little rough around the edges, but that only added to his beauty. He hadn’t even noticed me in the doorway, so I called his name softly, pulling him from his day dream. I watch his eyes as they travelled up and down my form, taking in my appearance. His brows knitted together, and he stood as I made my way over to where he was seated. As I neared him, he pulled me in close, fuelling the fired that was my guilt.
“You’ve lost weight,” he commented, holding me back slightly to inspect me. A rush of desperation overwhelmed me, and before I knew it, I was begging him to take me home.
“They’re trying to kill me,” I insisted, grabbing his arms. Predictably, Brian denied all possibility of this and wouldn’t even entertain the idea, palming it off as ridiculous. Instead, he tried to change the subject, and, infuriatingly, mentioned Jimmy. All the hatred that swirled around in my mind for him surfaced.
“You mean my baby that you stole from me?” I hissed, “You and Adam were in on that together, weren’t you? And now you’ve had me locked up, you fucking asshole.”
I flew into a tirade, berating and belittling him for even daring to suggest that I didn’t care for Jimmy. How dare he have me caged like an animal, and then act as though he hadn’t put me here.

“-so don’t pretend that you’re innocent, because I know you’re evil,” I finished, glaring at him as I tried to recover from the physical exertion of my fit of rage. He’d not contested any of my rantings, simply listened with no reaction. He waited for me to catch my breath and then, softly, began speaking again a though nothing had happened.
“Can I please bring you some food in?” he asked, his dark eyes pleading. As angry as I was, I considered this for a moment. I was starving, and I was beginning to hear whispers from the nurses station of being tubed, which was a sure fire way for them to put poison into my system.
“I need something they can’t tamper with,” I whispered, which he surprisingly agreed to. We exchanged a short goodbye – not before I’d begged to go home again – and suddenly he pulled me into his arms tightly. A fleeting spark jolted through my body, a distant echo of love for him. The sensation only lasted for a second, but made me push all reservations aside as I threw myself into him. His hand ran down my back, stirring up ghostly memories of his touch on my bare skin. With whispered promises of his return, he broke away and left the ward, leaving me on my own again.

“There you are,” Lily exclaimed, bounding over as I watched Brian’s departing figure. “I need to tell you about Jupiter’s connection to-”
“Not now, Lily,” a female nurse interrupted, firmly. Ruth. No one likes Ruth. “Aubrey, come with me.”
I followed her without question to my room, where she gestured to the 50 or so pages that had been uncrumpled and stacked neatly.
“We need to talk about these notes.”

Notes

Oh god, I hate juggling timelines and perspectives. Apologies if I mucked anything up!

Poor Lily, she just wants to tell Aubrey about her solar system theory.