Life After Death

The rest of the day was spent sorting my house out. We took turns to watch Jimmy as we hauled the mattresses back to their rooms and cleared empty bottles and pizza boxes. It had been significantly easier shoving the mattresses down the stairs than it was to get them back up, but we sweated and swore our way through it eventually. As we joined Zacky (who was currently on baby watch) back in the lounge, we all took in the odd emptiness. This room had been our sanctuary for two weeks, a kind of shrine. Now it was back to just being a normal lounge.
“This feels weird,” remarked Johnny, quietly, to vague murmurs of agreement. “Kind of like I’m not mourning Jimmy so hard now.”
“Maybe you’ll even take a shower, huh?” Matt cackled, receiving an elbow to the ribs. We all laughed lightly, but quickly fell back to an uncomfortable silence, all understanding how each other felt. This was a step forwards, one that we felt guilty taking. It felt too soon. Sure, we were still all completely miserable and missing Jimmy every second, but we felt guilty for not wallowing in a single room and avoiding real life. The room no longer looked melancholic, making it feel like we were closing the door on mourning Jimmy.
“Jimmy wouldn’t have wanted us to sit around in the same boxers for 5 days and drinking ‘til we passed out. He’d want us living life in his memory,” Zach shrugged, looking up from the burbling infant in his arms.
“Come on, Zacky,” Johnny grinned, “Of course the Rev would want us drinking ‘til we passed out.”
Zacky thought about this for a moment, before agreeing, “Yeah, he totally would. In fact, he’d probably condone wearing the same clothes for 5 days as well. In the name of partying, of course,” he added quickly, with a wink. I stayed quiet through all of their exchange, still unable (and unwilling) to think about Jimmy in a positive manner. I focused my attention on my Jimmy instead, who was wriggling away happily. I’d barely spent any time with him recently and was ready to give him my full attention.
“You guys know the drill,” I announced, “help yourself to anything, put the TV on, whatever. I’ll see to the little man.”
“Yes, Sir! I’ll be on slop duty,” Matt teased as he saluted, before heading to the kitchen to attempt to rustle some food up.

I started with a diaper change and a fresh outfit. Little Jimmy was more awake than ever, looking at the world around him and cooing. I watched him with wonder, there was a whole world for him to discover and he had no idea. I kissed his nose and he gurgled in response, making my heart swell with love. It deflated just as quickly though, when I thought about Aubrey. She would miss so much of this. Would she remember this? Would Jimmy remember it? Would it change him? He didn’t seem unsettled so far, but would he realise soon that his mommy wasn’t coming back for a while? I would surely have to take him to see her, but a psychiatric institute didn’t exactly seem like a child friendly place. I pushed the worried out of my mind and spent some time tickling toes and playing peekaboo, not that Jimmy seemed to have a clue what I was doing. He just carried on waving his closed fists in my general direction, occasionally making little noises at me. I still couldn’t believe he was mine. He’d changed my whole life. Aubrey had become so much more to me than a girlfriend; and this tiny human? He was not just any baby, he was my son. It was everything I wanted, and somehow I’d not realised until it was thrust upon me how much I could have needed it. Our family had been ripped apart, but I’d fix us back together, somehow. I was determined.

Once Jimmy was clean, happy and suitably spoiled for fatherly attention, I took him back downstairs to make up a feed for him. The lounge had been abandoned, but I could hear their voices coming from the kitchen. As I got there, I stopped in the doorway, watching the scene playing out before me. Matt was setting the table and barking orders at Johnny and Zacky, who were paying little attention to him. They had been put on vegetable duty together – a bad move on Matt’s part – and Zacky was currently was amusing Johnny by holding a rather misshapen parsnip by his crotch and surreptitiously nodding in Matt’s direction as he wobbled it about. Like damn kids, I smiled to myself as Johnny doubled over in silent laughter and launched a large, half-peeled potato at him. Zacky yelped as it made contact with his leg.
Matt spun, catching Johnny pulling a face and scolded him, “Dude, stop being an ass and peel the fricking potatoes, will you?” He turned back to arranging the cutlery on the table as Zacky and Johnny tried to hold back their laughter.
“Shadows, you’re a terrible father. Gotta keep ‘em in line,” I laughed from the doorway. Matt looked up and scowled.
“Man, I’m trying to get a dinner together for us all and these two are no fucking help,” he growled, whilst Zach and Johnny were doing their best to look innocent behind him.
“Yeah well, imagine if Jimmy was here. There’d be total chaos,” Zacky retorted with a giggle, clearly imagining Jimmy’s would-be shenanigans. It wiped the smile off of my face instantly just hearing his name. I bristled.
“Yeah, well he’s not, is he?” I replied, sharply. My words seemed to freeze time. Everyone stopped what they were doing as the cloud of anger I’d emitted spread across the room, leaving the air thick. Matt moved towards me but I shook my head.
“I don’t want to talk about him,” I replied, making the concept seem far simpler than it was. The tension between us all was almost painful as I crossed the room, grabbing a carton of formula milk from the fridge and filling a bottle for Jimmy. I put it in the bottle warmer and then stalked out of the room, ironically too uncomfortable to stay in the atmosphere that I’d created by my own words.

The kitchen was quiet after my outburst. Matt had brought the bottle through to me after a few minutes, perhaps thinking it a good idea that I didn’t grace the kitchen with my bitter presence again. He kept his head down and didn't say anything before he disappeared again. They must have continued working together through the silence, as after some time, the scent of roast dinner began wafting down the hallway. Surprisingly, I couldn’t smell burning. I guess head chef Matt was running a tight ship. Baby Jimmy had been doing a god job of distracting me from my thoughts so far, as I fought with him to bring up his wind. I put him over my shoulder and rubbed his back vigorously for several minutes, and in return he eventually relented and vomited down my back. I froze in revulsion, feeling the warm, dampness soak through my t-shirt whilst Jimmy sighed contently, completely unaware of my horror. The door creaked open.
“Hey Syn, dinner’s ready if you’re… Oh,” Johnny paused, taking in the white slime that was oozing down my back and then burst into laughter. “Bro, you’ve got puke on you.”
“Yep, aware of that,” I retorted, raising an eyebrow. A small smile played across my lips and I chided him, playfully, “Well, get me a towel or something then, asshole!”
Johnny jumped into action, disappearing to find one. I carefully set Jimmy down in his bouncer. He seemed pretty settled now, so that was something, I guess. I bounced him gently and almost instantly, his eyelids flickered with tiredness. By the time Johnny had reappeared with a towel, he was out for the count.
“Here,” Johnny smirked, handing me a pack of wipes and a fresh tee.
“Thanks,” I smiled, weakly. I was beginning to feel pretty embarrassed about bringing the mood down earlier. Johnny seemed to sense this and plonked himself down on the edge of the coffee table.
“You know, we all feel that way sometimes,” he said, hesitantly, eyeing me. When I didn’t reply, he continued. “Sometimes I wonder if he meant to do it, and then I get angry if I think he might. Then I get guilty for getting angry. I think "maybe I could have stopped him" or wonder if it still would have happened if I'd have gone back to his with him that night when he asked," he paused, his face full of regret. "I know that out of all of us, you guys were the closest, Bri, and it must hurt for you more than I can imagine. None of us can even begin to understand how it must feel for you, but please don’t shut us out. We’re all in this together,” he finished, patting my arm lightly. I nodded without looking at him as I pulled my soiled t-shirt over my head.
“Thanks, Johnny,” I replied, not wanting to divulge anything more at present. Thankfully Johnny seemed to sense this and didn’t push the issue. I wriggled into my fresh t-shirt just as Matt appeared.
He waved a spoon at us and grinned, “Hey, you fuckers coming to eat or what?"

Notes

I got through an entire chapter without mentioning You-Know-Who!! Quick, someone throw a party!